1 00:00:00,840 --> 00:00:01,673 - Hey, everybody. 2 00:00:01,673 --> 00:00:04,140 Today, we're gonna talk about shame and trauma 3 00:00:04,140 --> 00:00:07,060 and why they are so deeply connected. 4 00:00:07,060 --> 00:00:09,100 Before we jump into this very important topic, 5 00:00:09,100 --> 00:00:10,260 are you new to my channel? 6 00:00:10,260 --> 00:00:11,093 Welcome. 7 00:00:11,093 --> 00:00:14,010 I release videos on Mondays and on Thursdays 8 00:00:14,010 --> 00:00:15,140 so make sure you're subscribed 9 00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:16,570 and have your notifications turned on 10 00:00:16,570 --> 00:00:18,230 so you don't miss out. 11 00:00:18,230 --> 00:00:21,660 As always, let's first begin by defining the two terms. 12 00:00:21,660 --> 00:00:25,850 Now, shame is defined as a painful feeling of humiliation 13 00:00:25,850 --> 00:00:28,778 or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong 14 00:00:28,778 --> 00:00:30,750 or foolish behavior 15 00:00:30,750 --> 00:00:34,680 but I find that many people confuse shame with guilt. 16 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:36,220 Maybe it's because they both cause us 17 00:00:36,220 --> 00:00:39,370 to feel bad about ourselves but they are very different 18 00:00:39,370 --> 00:00:41,080 and I think it's important to highlight that 19 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:43,120 before we really get into this any further. 20 00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:45,390 Now, guilt is when we judge our behavior 21 00:00:45,390 --> 00:00:47,400 as being negative or wrong, 22 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:49,530 our behavior, remember that, 23 00:00:49,530 --> 00:00:52,460 meaning that if I told someone that I would pay them back 24 00:00:52,460 --> 00:00:54,820 but I didn't, I could feel guilty about it 25 00:00:54,820 --> 00:00:56,400 because I feel that what I did 26 00:00:56,400 --> 00:01:00,480 or more importantly didn't do was wrong or inconsiderate. 27 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:01,810 Now, shame on the other hand 28 00:01:01,810 --> 00:01:04,790 is when we view ourselves as being bad or wrong. 29 00:01:04,790 --> 00:01:06,450 It's much deeper than guilt 30 00:01:06,450 --> 00:01:08,630 and it can't be fixed by simply making amends 31 00:01:08,630 --> 00:01:11,330 or following through with what you said you would do. 32 00:01:11,330 --> 00:01:13,610 As you can see, guilt can in some ways 33 00:01:13,610 --> 00:01:16,750 motivate us to be better and to make amends. 34 00:01:16,750 --> 00:01:20,020 Shame isn't motivating and in most cases, 35 00:01:20,020 --> 00:01:21,930 it can actually be debilitating. 36 00:01:21,930 --> 00:01:23,870 It can cause us to believe terrible things 37 00:01:23,870 --> 00:01:25,950 about ourselves and our situation 38 00:01:25,950 --> 00:01:29,470 and in turn make our mental health issues even worse. 39 00:01:29,470 --> 00:01:31,110 Many of my patients and viewers have shared 40 00:01:31,110 --> 00:01:34,000 how shame has made them act in more self-destructive ways 41 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:35,920 whether it be sabotaging relationships 42 00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:38,470 or engaging in self-injurious behavior. 43 00:01:38,470 --> 00:01:42,150 Guilt is about our actions and shame is about ourselves. 44 00:01:42,150 --> 00:01:45,380 Therefore, shame is something that we need to understand 45 00:01:45,380 --> 00:01:48,430 so that we can process it and remove it from our lives. 46 00:01:48,430 --> 00:01:49,700 Also, as I was doing research, 47 00:01:49,700 --> 00:01:52,790 I've heard shame described as a developmental trauma 48 00:01:52,790 --> 00:01:54,040 meaning that it doesn't occur 49 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:56,240 immediately following the traumatic event 50 00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:59,943 but it grows over time, it develops over time 51 00:01:59,943 --> 00:02:01,890 especially if the traumas repeat 52 00:02:01,890 --> 00:02:04,450 or if our PTSD symptoms go untreated. 53 00:02:04,450 --> 00:02:06,040 Now, moving on to trauma. 54 00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:08,040 It is defined as a deeply distressing 55 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:10,130 or disturbing experience. 56 00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:11,850 In order for someone to be traumatized, 57 00:02:11,850 --> 00:02:13,350 they have to fear for their life 58 00:02:13,350 --> 00:02:15,420 or the life of someone else. 59 00:02:15,420 --> 00:02:18,550 These can be big events, big traumas or big Ts 60 00:02:18,550 --> 00:02:21,740 or a bunch of smaller events or little ts 61 00:02:21,740 --> 00:02:23,650 but they can all lead us to struggling 62 00:02:23,650 --> 00:02:25,400 with the symptoms of PTSD 63 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:28,220 and if you want more information on PTSD or what it is, 64 00:02:28,220 --> 00:02:29,440 you can click the link in the description 65 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:31,290 for my video all about it. 66 00:02:31,290 --> 00:02:34,400 Now that we know the definitions of both shame and trauma, 67 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:38,030 let's get into why they are so connected to one another. 68 00:02:38,030 --> 00:02:39,390 I personally believe that shame 69 00:02:39,390 --> 00:02:42,500 is only linked to certain trauma experiences. 70 00:02:42,500 --> 00:02:44,550 Now, I could be wrong and you're more than welcome 71 00:02:44,550 --> 00:02:46,220 to share your thoughts in those comments down below 72 00:02:46,220 --> 00:02:48,020 but just hear me out for a minute 73 00:02:48,020 --> 00:02:50,700 because I believe that shame is only associated 74 00:02:50,700 --> 00:02:53,120 with traumas that we feel we are responsible 75 00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:55,010 or could have stopped. 76 00:02:55,010 --> 00:02:57,360 This is obviously dependent on our own personal experience 77 00:02:57,360 --> 00:02:59,510 during or after that traumatic event 78 00:02:59,510 --> 00:03:01,070 but if we feel that we could have 79 00:03:01,070 --> 00:03:03,470 or should have done something to stop it, 80 00:03:03,470 --> 00:03:06,600 we can feel full of shame as a result 81 00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:08,360 'cause think back to the definition of shame 82 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:09,630 and how it can cause us to feel 83 00:03:09,630 --> 00:03:12,220 that we are just wrong or bad 84 00:03:12,220 --> 00:03:14,260 and if we felt that we could have done something 85 00:03:14,260 --> 00:03:16,030 to stop the trauma from occurring 86 00:03:16,030 --> 00:03:17,610 or did something to cause it, 87 00:03:17,610 --> 00:03:20,340 of course we would struggle with feelings of shame. 88 00:03:20,340 --> 00:03:21,630 Does that make sense? 89 00:03:21,630 --> 00:03:24,060 Now, research has shown that when we experience shame 90 00:03:24,060 --> 00:03:25,730 as a result of trauma, 91 00:03:25,730 --> 00:03:28,820 it can lead us into having more unhealthy coping skills 92 00:03:28,820 --> 00:03:32,240 such as excessive alcohol use, complete avoidance 93 00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:34,260 or self-injurious behaviors 94 00:03:34,260 --> 00:03:37,100 which can interfere with our ability to process the emotions 95 00:03:37,100 --> 00:03:39,550 that we associate with the traumatic event. 96 00:03:39,550 --> 00:03:40,383 Think about it. 97 00:03:40,383 --> 00:03:42,010 Drinking a lot is gonna numb us out. 98 00:03:42,010 --> 00:03:43,380 If we're using self-injurious behaviors, 99 00:03:43,380 --> 00:03:45,470 we've talked about this being an unhealthy coping skill 100 00:03:45,470 --> 00:03:48,020 and a way to kinda express how we're feeling differently 101 00:03:48,020 --> 00:03:50,210 or numb out from all that we may be experiencing 102 00:03:50,210 --> 00:03:52,020 so we just focus on that 103 00:03:52,020 --> 00:03:54,430 and this inability to process emotions 104 00:03:54,430 --> 00:03:56,170 may then contribute to the development 105 00:03:56,170 --> 00:03:59,610 or intensification of our PTSD symptoms. 106 00:03:59,610 --> 00:04:03,600 Also, since shame can be so debilitating and stigmatizing, 107 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:06,680 we're less likely to even reach out for professional help 108 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,670 and support when we need it most 109 00:04:08,670 --> 00:04:11,380 and additionally, they believe that shame is born out 110 00:04:11,380 --> 00:04:13,990 of the free state that trauma can put us in 111 00:04:13,990 --> 00:04:16,760 because when we're so overwhelmed and traumatized 112 00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:20,150 that we feel frozen and unable to move or help ourselves, 113 00:04:20,150 --> 00:04:22,080 we can slowly begin to believe 114 00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:24,440 that what happened was all our fault 115 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:27,060 because we didn't do anything to stop it 116 00:04:27,060 --> 00:04:29,120 and that's how shame becomes toxic 117 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:31,820 and impedes our ability to process through things 118 00:04:31,820 --> 00:04:33,250 and move forward. 119 00:04:33,250 --> 00:04:35,860 It doesn't help us see how our actions are affecting others 120 00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:39,140 or motivate us to change which guilt can actually do. 121 00:04:39,140 --> 00:04:41,200 Instead, it causes us to isolate, 122 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:42,740 believe that it's all our fault 123 00:04:42,740 --> 00:04:45,750 and something is completely inherently wrong with us. 124 00:04:45,750 --> 00:04:48,160 Now, there is so much I could talk about 125 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:49,740 when it comes to trauma and shame 126 00:04:49,740 --> 00:04:50,930 but I wanna make sure I leave some time 127 00:04:50,930 --> 00:04:53,200 to talk about how we can heal from it 128 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:57,690 and move past the shame that we may feel because we can 129 00:04:57,690 --> 00:05:00,430 and number one, because we're dealing with trauma 130 00:05:00,430 --> 00:05:02,750 and possibly some unhealthy coping skills, 131 00:05:02,750 --> 00:05:04,810 we'll need to gather our healthy 132 00:05:04,810 --> 00:05:06,810 and helpful resources first. 133 00:05:06,810 --> 00:05:08,890 Research shows us that the free state happens 134 00:05:08,890 --> 00:05:11,800 because we don't really know what else to do in that moment 135 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:13,700 and it pushes us out of our resilient zone. 136 00:05:13,700 --> 00:05:16,450 You remember I did that video with Alexa a while ago? 137 00:05:16,450 --> 00:05:18,760 And so when we do that, when it pushes us out, 138 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:22,060 it's because we don't have any resources to help us out. 139 00:05:22,060 --> 00:05:24,330 So in order to even consider talking through 140 00:05:24,330 --> 00:05:27,700 all we may have been through and the traumatizing situation, 141 00:05:27,700 --> 00:05:30,250 we're gonna need to have internal resources 142 00:05:30,250 --> 00:05:32,460 available to us at all times. 143 00:05:32,460 --> 00:05:33,960 These aren't distraction techniques 144 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,760 or healthy coping skills. 145 00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:38,200 These are resources within ourselves 146 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,130 and in other people in our lives. 147 00:05:40,130 --> 00:05:43,900 For example, a resource could be your amazing sense of humor 148 00:05:43,900 --> 00:05:48,000 or your compassion for others or your closest friend or pet 149 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:50,270 or a safe space that you have where you can go 150 00:05:50,270 --> 00:05:53,730 and you can relax and feel okay, anything like that. 151 00:05:53,730 --> 00:05:55,190 So any resource that you could use 152 00:05:55,190 --> 00:05:58,530 to help you better manage any of the hard and icky stuff 153 00:05:58,530 --> 00:06:00,650 we know can come up when we're going through 154 00:06:00,650 --> 00:06:02,550 and talking through the trauma, 155 00:06:02,550 --> 00:06:04,450 you need to be able to go to that happy place 156 00:06:04,450 --> 00:06:06,650 or to use that sense of humor to keep you present 157 00:06:06,650 --> 00:06:08,850 and help you continue to push through 158 00:06:08,850 --> 00:06:11,500 and your therapist should also be a resource 159 00:06:11,500 --> 00:06:13,410 but it can take a while for us to feel safe enough 160 00:06:13,410 --> 00:06:14,660 to call them that 161 00:06:14,660 --> 00:06:16,800 and know that we feel safe in their office. 162 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:18,700 It takes us a while to feel okay 163 00:06:18,700 --> 00:06:22,350 but coming up with resources can take many sessions 164 00:06:22,350 --> 00:06:24,670 so be patient as you put together 165 00:06:24,670 --> 00:06:26,150 the ones that work for you. 166 00:06:26,150 --> 00:06:30,220 Next or number two is mindfulness and grounding. 167 00:06:30,220 --> 00:06:31,340 When we've been traumatized 168 00:06:31,340 --> 00:06:33,340 and are struggling with intense feelings of shame, 169 00:06:33,340 --> 00:06:35,440 it can be hard to stay present. 170 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:37,870 This could mean that we're unable to stay in our body 171 00:06:37,870 --> 00:06:39,180 and so we'll dissociate 172 00:06:39,180 --> 00:06:41,650 or that we struggle to stay in the present time 173 00:06:41,650 --> 00:06:44,660 and have a hard time discerning past from present 174 00:06:44,660 --> 00:06:46,530 and I put these two tools together 175 00:06:46,530 --> 00:06:49,200 because they work really in tandem. 176 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:50,150 Now, first, think about it. 177 00:06:50,150 --> 00:06:52,200 With mindfulness, we have to begin feeling 178 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:54,590 all that comes up for us in our body 179 00:06:54,590 --> 00:06:57,330 as well as what emotions we feel. 180 00:06:57,330 --> 00:06:59,190 This can start by simply tracking your feelings 181 00:06:59,190 --> 00:07:00,023 with feelings charts. 182 00:07:00,023 --> 00:07:02,380 I've talked about that a lot. So you can print those off. 183 00:07:02,380 --> 00:07:04,890 You can Google them online and print off a feelings chart 184 00:07:04,890 --> 00:07:07,100 but it helps to track that first 185 00:07:07,100 --> 00:07:10,290 and then progress to how an emotion feels in your body. 186 00:07:10,290 --> 00:07:13,680 Where is it, what sensation do you feel, et cetera 187 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:14,900 and it can take some time 188 00:07:14,900 --> 00:07:17,640 but the better able we are to recognize the feeling 189 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:19,880 and actually allow ourselves to feel it 190 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:21,970 and move through it and stay present, 191 00:07:21,970 --> 00:07:24,450 the better able we'll be to talk through our trauma 192 00:07:24,450 --> 00:07:27,680 and start to heal and also because we have to be present 193 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:29,440 in order for our brain to have the chance 194 00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:31,480 to reprocess at all. 195 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:32,723 Talked about that when it comes to EMDR 196 00:07:32,723 --> 00:07:35,620 that we have to be present in order for it to work 197 00:07:35,620 --> 00:07:38,170 and that's why figuring out what grounding techniques, 198 00:07:38,170 --> 00:07:39,360 remember these work in tandem, right, 199 00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:40,920 mindfulness and grounding, 200 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:42,670 it's important to figure out what grounding techniques 201 00:07:42,670 --> 00:07:46,740 work for you and that will help you so much in this process 202 00:07:46,740 --> 00:07:47,750 and remember, grounding techniques 203 00:07:47,750 --> 00:07:49,800 could be snapping rubber bands on your wrist, 204 00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:52,430 stomping your feet, clapping your hands, 205 00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:54,730 counting the colors in a room. 206 00:07:54,730 --> 00:07:57,190 Connecting to what we feel in our body 207 00:07:57,190 --> 00:07:59,210 and connecting that with the grounding technique 208 00:07:59,210 --> 00:08:01,150 can help us focus on that area 209 00:08:01,150 --> 00:08:05,360 and can be so life changing during our trauma reprocessing. 210 00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:08,180 Next or number three, explore the trauma 211 00:08:08,180 --> 00:08:11,040 and situations that created shame for you. 212 00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:12,610 Because shame is often attached 213 00:08:12,610 --> 00:08:14,750 to a lot of other uncomfortable emotions 214 00:08:14,750 --> 00:08:18,310 and could be what's keeping us held in our PTSD response, 215 00:08:18,310 --> 00:08:20,270 we have to figure out what situations 216 00:08:20,270 --> 00:08:22,750 caused us to feel shameful. 217 00:08:22,750 --> 00:08:26,050 Now, obviously, this needs to be done slowly and carefully 218 00:08:26,050 --> 00:08:28,100 but your therapist should walk you through 219 00:08:28,100 --> 00:08:30,390 and help you see the other side of the encounter. 220 00:08:30,390 --> 00:08:32,430 Perhaps we aren't taking into consideration 221 00:08:32,430 --> 00:08:35,410 why someone would do that to another person. 222 00:08:35,410 --> 00:08:37,350 Is that person an egomaniac? 223 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:40,550 Maybe they're acting out of their own pain or shame. 224 00:08:40,550 --> 00:08:41,780 Would they have done this to us 225 00:08:41,780 --> 00:08:43,830 or someone else no matter we did? 226 00:08:43,830 --> 00:08:46,020 Essentially taking the responsibility off ourselves, 227 00:08:46,020 --> 00:08:47,480 it can lead to shame. 228 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:49,860 Taking the time to reframe what happened 229 00:08:49,860 --> 00:08:52,550 can help us acknowledge how we felt 230 00:08:52,550 --> 00:08:54,390 instead of what we usually try to do 231 00:08:54,390 --> 00:08:57,130 is try to just brush it off, push it down and ignore it 232 00:08:57,130 --> 00:08:59,060 and I know talking through each encounter 233 00:08:59,060 --> 00:09:00,610 that may have caused us to feel shame 234 00:09:00,610 --> 00:09:02,620 can seem really, really tedious 235 00:09:02,620 --> 00:09:04,310 but it's important that we do it 236 00:09:04,310 --> 00:09:07,060 so that we can see the other side of it 237 00:09:07,060 --> 00:09:09,940 and then be able to let it go. 238 00:09:09,940 --> 00:09:11,120 It can also help to talk out 239 00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:14,120 what other emotions come up for you when you do this. 240 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:16,690 So maybe you feel anger and shame? 241 00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:18,610 Adding in an emotion word to the shame 242 00:09:18,610 --> 00:09:20,730 can help us better connect with what we're feeling 243 00:09:20,730 --> 00:09:24,010 again going back to the tip before this about mindfulness. 244 00:09:24,010 --> 00:09:25,810 Acknowledging that we felt other emotions 245 00:09:25,810 --> 00:09:28,460 can be clues to our healing as well. 246 00:09:28,460 --> 00:09:30,160 Now, next or number four, 247 00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:32,620 developing new and healthier relationships 248 00:09:32,620 --> 00:09:34,600 and ways to protect ourselves. 249 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:36,280 Shame often gets passed around 250 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:37,920 from hurt person to hurt person 251 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:40,580 because it's often too difficult to deal with. 252 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:43,800 So instead of dealing with it, we inflict it upon others. 253 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:46,170 One article I read called shame a hot potato 254 00:09:46,170 --> 00:09:48,330 and I kinda like that analogy 'cause it gets passed around. 255 00:09:48,330 --> 00:09:50,100 We're like, ugh, I hate this, it feels terrible, 256 00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:53,040 you take it and so we push it onto other people 257 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:56,930 but once we figured it where the shame came from, 258 00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,800 the situations, the people, 259 00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:00,560 the traumas we may have experienced 260 00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:03,370 and we're able to safely reframe these situations 261 00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:05,910 to see it wasn't in fact our fault 262 00:10:05,910 --> 00:10:08,850 and there isn't anything inherently wrong with us 263 00:10:08,850 --> 00:10:11,480 then we can develop healthier coping skills 264 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:15,250 and relationships starting with our therapeutic relationship 265 00:10:15,250 --> 00:10:17,170 and you can do roleplay within sessions 266 00:10:17,170 --> 00:10:19,190 to practice communication skills, 267 00:10:19,190 --> 00:10:21,410 come up with self-care tools and techniques 268 00:10:21,410 --> 00:10:24,170 and work together to recognize any of the clues 269 00:10:24,170 --> 00:10:26,670 that we may be slipping into old habits. 270 00:10:26,670 --> 00:10:30,340 Now, I know all of that may seem like a lot of work 271 00:10:30,340 --> 00:10:33,430 and in truth it is but I always think it's important 272 00:10:33,430 --> 00:10:36,890 that we know it can and will get better. 273 00:10:36,890 --> 00:10:39,810 Finding the right therapist, possibly a trauma specialist, 274 00:10:39,810 --> 00:10:43,650 is imperative as well as being patient with your process. 275 00:10:43,650 --> 00:10:46,220 Trauma work takes time and what's most important 276 00:10:46,220 --> 00:10:48,860 is that you feel supported as you were challenged 277 00:10:48,860 --> 00:10:50,700 but not pushed to move too fast 278 00:10:50,700 --> 00:10:53,100 and that's why resourcing was the first step I mentioned. 279 00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:54,580 We need to feel supported and safe 280 00:10:54,580 --> 00:10:56,670 while we do all of the work we're gonna need to do 281 00:10:56,670 --> 00:10:57,900 in order to heal. 282 00:10:57,900 --> 00:10:59,030 This video has been brought to you 283 00:10:59,030 --> 00:11:00,740 by the Kinions on Patreon. 284 00:11:00,740 --> 00:11:02,230 If you would like to support the creation 285 00:11:02,230 --> 00:11:03,490 of these mental health videos, 286 00:11:03,490 --> 00:11:05,490 click the link in the description and check it out. 287 00:11:05,490 --> 00:11:07,660 But as always, I wanna hear from you. 288 00:11:07,660 --> 00:11:09,460 Did I leave out an important step? 289 00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:11,510 Was there something else that helped you? 290 00:11:11,510 --> 00:11:14,720 Do you think shame and trauma aren't really linked at all? 291 00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:16,300 Let me know in those comments down below 292 00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:17,780 and I will see you next time. 293 00:11:17,780 --> 00:11:18,613 Bye.