0:00:00.840,0:00:01.673 - Hey, everybody. 0:00:01.673,0:00:04.140 Today, we're gonna talk[br]about shame and trauma 0:00:04.140,0:00:07.060 and why they are so deeply connected. 0:00:07.060,0:00:09.100 Before we jump into this[br]very important topic, 0:00:09.100,0:00:10.260 are you new to my channel? 0:00:10.260,0:00:11.093 Welcome. 0:00:11.093,0:00:14.010 I release videos on[br]Mondays and on Thursdays 0:00:14.010,0:00:15.140 so make sure you're subscribed 0:00:15.140,0:00:16.570 and have your notifications turned on 0:00:16.570,0:00:18.230 so you don't miss out. 0:00:18.230,0:00:21.660 As always, let's first begin[br]by defining the two terms. 0:00:21.660,0:00:25.850 Now, shame is defined as a[br]painful feeling of humiliation 0:00:25.850,0:00:28.778 or distress caused by the[br]consciousness of wrong 0:00:28.778,0:00:30.750 or foolish behavior 0:00:30.750,0:00:34.680 but I find that many people[br]confuse shame with guilt. 0:00:34.680,0:00:36.220 Maybe it's because they both cause us 0:00:36.220,0:00:39.370 to feel bad about ourselves[br]but they are very different 0:00:39.370,0:00:41.080 and I think it's important[br]to highlight that 0:00:41.080,0:00:43.120 before we really get[br]into this any further. 0:00:43.120,0:00:45.390 Now, guilt is when we judge our behavior 0:00:45.390,0:00:47.400 as being negative or wrong, 0:00:47.400,0:00:49.530 our behavior, remember that, 0:00:49.530,0:00:52.460 meaning that if I told someone[br]that I would pay them back 0:00:52.460,0:00:54.820 but I didn't, I could feel guilty about it 0:00:54.820,0:00:56.400 because I feel that what I did 0:00:56.400,0:01:00.480 or more importantly didn't do[br]was wrong or inconsiderate. 0:01:00.480,0:01:01.810 Now, shame on the other hand 0:01:01.810,0:01:04.790 is when we view ourselves[br]as being bad or wrong. 0:01:04.790,0:01:06.450 It's much deeper than guilt 0:01:06.450,0:01:08.630 and it can't be fixed[br]by simply making amends 0:01:08.630,0:01:11.330 or following through with[br]what you said you would do. 0:01:11.330,0:01:13.610 As you can see, guilt can in some ways 0:01:13.610,0:01:16.750 motivate us to be better[br]and to make amends. 0:01:16.750,0:01:20.020 Shame isn't motivating and in most cases, 0:01:20.020,0:01:21.930 it can actually be debilitating. 0:01:21.930,0:01:23.870 It can cause us to believe terrible things 0:01:23.870,0:01:25.950 about ourselves and our situation 0:01:25.950,0:01:29.470 and in turn make our mental[br]health issues even worse. 0:01:29.470,0:01:31.110 Many of my patients[br]and viewers have shared 0:01:31.110,0:01:34.000 how shame has made them act[br]in more self-destructive ways 0:01:34.000,0:01:35.920 whether it be sabotaging relationships 0:01:35.920,0:01:38.470 or engaging in self-injurious behavior. 0:01:38.470,0:01:42.150 Guilt is about our actions[br]and shame is about ourselves. 0:01:42.150,0:01:45.380 Therefore, shame is something[br]that we need to understand 0:01:45.380,0:01:48.430 so that we can process it[br]and remove it from our lives. 0:01:48.430,0:01:49.700 Also, as I was doing research, 0:01:49.700,0:01:52.790 I've heard shame described[br]as a developmental trauma 0:01:52.790,0:01:54.040 meaning that it doesn't occur 0:01:54.040,0:01:56.240 immediately following the traumatic event 0:01:56.240,0:01:59.943 but it grows over time,[br]it develops over time 0:01:59.943,0:02:01.890 especially if the traumas repeat 0:02:01.890,0:02:04.450 or if our PTSD symptoms go untreated. 0:02:04.450,0:02:06.040 Now, moving on to trauma. 0:02:06.040,0:02:08.040 It is defined as a deeply distressing 0:02:08.040,0:02:10.130 or disturbing experience. 0:02:10.130,0:02:11.850 In order for someone to be traumatized, 0:02:11.850,0:02:13.350 they have to fear for their life 0:02:13.350,0:02:15.420 or the life of someone else. 0:02:15.420,0:02:18.550 These can be big events,[br]big traumas or big Ts 0:02:18.550,0:02:21.740 or a bunch of smaller events or little ts 0:02:21.740,0:02:23.650 but they can all lead us to struggling 0:02:23.650,0:02:25.400 with the symptoms of PTSD 0:02:25.400,0:02:28.220 and if you want more information[br]on PTSD or what it is, 0:02:28.220,0:02:29.440 you can click the link in the description 0:02:29.440,0:02:31.290 for my video all about it. 0:02:31.290,0:02:34.400 Now that we know the definitions[br]of both shame and trauma, 0:02:34.400,0:02:38.030 let's get into why they are[br]so connected to one another. 0:02:38.030,0:02:39.390 I personally believe that shame 0:02:39.390,0:02:42.500 is only linked to certain[br]trauma experiences. 0:02:42.500,0:02:44.550 Now, I could be wrong and[br]you're more than welcome 0:02:44.550,0:02:46.220 to share your thoughts in[br]those comments down below 0:02:46.220,0:02:48.020 but just hear me out for a minute 0:02:48.020,0:02:50.700 because I believe that[br]shame is only associated 0:02:50.700,0:02:53.120 with traumas that we[br]feel we are responsible 0:02:53.120,0:02:55.010 or could have stopped. 0:02:55.010,0:02:57.360 This is obviously dependent[br]on our own personal experience 0:02:57.360,0:02:59.510 during or after that traumatic event 0:02:59.510,0:03:01.070 but if we feel that we could have 0:03:01.070,0:03:03.470 or should have done something to stop it, 0:03:03.470,0:03:06.600 we can feel full of shame as a result 0:03:06.600,0:03:08.360 'cause think back to[br]the definition of shame 0:03:08.360,0:03:09.630 and how it can cause us to feel 0:03:09.630,0:03:12.220 that we are just wrong or bad 0:03:12.220,0:03:14.260 and if we felt that we[br]could have done something 0:03:14.260,0:03:16.030 to stop the trauma from occurring 0:03:16.030,0:03:17.610 or did something to cause it, 0:03:17.610,0:03:20.340 of course we would struggle[br]with feelings of shame. 0:03:20.340,0:03:21.630 Does that make sense? 0:03:21.630,0:03:24.060 Now, research has shown that[br]when we experience shame 0:03:24.060,0:03:25.730 as a result of trauma, 0:03:25.730,0:03:28.820 it can lead us into having[br]more unhealthy coping skills 0:03:28.820,0:03:32.240 such as excessive alcohol[br]use, complete avoidance 0:03:32.240,0:03:34.260 or self-injurious behaviors 0:03:34.260,0:03:37.100 which can interfere with our[br]ability to process the emotions 0:03:37.100,0:03:39.550 that we associate with[br]the traumatic event. 0:03:39.550,0:03:40.383 Think about it. 0:03:40.383,0:03:42.010 Drinking a lot is gonna numb us out. 0:03:42.010,0:03:43.380 If we're using self-injurious behaviors, 0:03:43.380,0:03:45.470 we've talked about this being[br]an unhealthy coping skill 0:03:45.470,0:03:48.020 and a way to kinda express[br]how we're feeling differently 0:03:48.020,0:03:50.210 or numb out from all that[br]we may be experiencing 0:03:50.210,0:03:52.020 so we just focus on that 0:03:52.020,0:03:54.430 and this inability to process emotions 0:03:54.430,0:03:56.170 may then contribute to the development 0:03:56.170,0:03:59.610 or intensification of our PTSD symptoms. 0:03:59.610,0:04:03.600 Also, since shame can be so[br]debilitating and stigmatizing, 0:04:03.600,0:04:06.680 we're less likely to even[br]reach out for professional help 0:04:06.680,0:04:08.670 and support when we need it most 0:04:08.670,0:04:11.380 and additionally, they[br]believe that shame is born out 0:04:11.380,0:04:13.990 of the free state that[br]trauma can put us in 0:04:13.990,0:04:16.760 because when we're so[br]overwhelmed and traumatized 0:04:16.760,0:04:20.150 that we feel frozen and unable[br]to move or help ourselves, 0:04:20.150,0:04:22.080 we can slowly begin to believe 0:04:22.080,0:04:24.440 that what happened was all our fault 0:04:24.440,0:04:27.060 because we didn't do anything to stop it 0:04:27.060,0:04:29.120 and that's how shame becomes toxic 0:04:29.120,0:04:31.820 and impedes our ability[br]to process through things 0:04:31.820,0:04:33.250 and move forward. 0:04:33.250,0:04:35.860 It doesn't help us see how our[br]actions are affecting others 0:04:35.860,0:04:39.140 or motivate us to change[br]which guilt can actually do. 0:04:39.140,0:04:41.200 Instead, it causes us to isolate, 0:04:41.200,0:04:42.740 believe that it's all our fault 0:04:42.740,0:04:45.750 and something is completely[br]inherently wrong with us. 0:04:45.750,0:04:48.160 Now, there is so much I could talk about 0:04:48.160,0:04:49.740 when it comes to trauma and shame 0:04:49.740,0:04:50.930 but I wanna make sure I leave some time 0:04:50.930,0:04:53.200 to talk about how we can heal from it 0:04:53.200,0:04:57.690 and move past the shame that[br]we may feel because we can 0:04:57.690,0:05:00.430 and number one, because[br]we're dealing with trauma 0:05:00.430,0:05:02.750 and possibly some unhealthy coping skills, 0:05:02.750,0:05:04.810 we'll need to gather our healthy 0:05:04.810,0:05:06.810 and helpful resources first. 0:05:06.810,0:05:08.890 Research shows us that[br]the free state happens 0:05:08.890,0:05:11.800 because we don't really know[br]what else to do in that moment 0:05:11.800,0:05:13.700 and it pushes us out[br]of our resilient zone. 0:05:13.700,0:05:16.450 You remember I did that[br]video with Alexa a while ago? 0:05:16.450,0:05:18.760 And so when we do that,[br]when it pushes us out, 0:05:18.760,0:05:22.060 it's because we don't have[br]any resources to help us out. 0:05:22.060,0:05:24.330 So in order to even[br]consider talking through 0:05:24.330,0:05:27.700 all we may have been through[br]and the traumatizing situation, 0:05:27.700,0:05:30.250 we're gonna need to[br]have internal resources 0:05:30.250,0:05:32.460 available to us at all times. 0:05:32.460,0:05:33.960 These aren't distraction techniques 0:05:33.960,0:05:35.760 or healthy coping skills. 0:05:35.760,0:05:38.200 These are resources within ourselves 0:05:38.200,0:05:40.130 and in other people in our lives. 0:05:40.130,0:05:43.900 For example, a resource could[br]be your amazing sense of humor 0:05:43.900,0:05:48.000 or your compassion for others[br]or your closest friend or pet 0:05:48.000,0:05:50.270 or a safe space that you[br]have where you can go 0:05:50.270,0:05:53.730 and you can relax and feel[br]okay, anything like that. 0:05:53.730,0:05:55.190 So any resource that you could use 0:05:55.190,0:05:58.530 to help you better manage any[br]of the hard and icky stuff 0:05:58.530,0:06:00.650 we know can come up[br]when we're going through 0:06:00.650,0:06:02.550 and talking through the trauma, 0:06:02.550,0:06:04.450 you need to be able to[br]go to that happy place 0:06:04.450,0:06:06.650 or to use that sense of[br]humor to keep you present 0:06:06.650,0:06:08.850 and help you continue to push through 0:06:08.850,0:06:11.500 and your therapist[br]should also be a resource 0:06:11.500,0:06:13.410 but it can take a while[br]for us to feel safe enough 0:06:13.410,0:06:14.660 to call them that 0:06:14.660,0:06:16.800 and know that we feel[br]safe in their office. 0:06:16.800,0:06:18.700 It takes us a while to feel okay 0:06:18.700,0:06:22.350 but coming up with resources[br]can take many sessions 0:06:22.350,0:06:24.670 so be patient as you put together 0:06:24.670,0:06:26.150 the ones that work for you. 0:06:26.150,0:06:30.220 Next or number two is[br]mindfulness and grounding. 0:06:30.220,0:06:31.340 When we've been traumatized 0:06:31.340,0:06:33.340 and are struggling with[br]intense feelings of shame, 0:06:33.340,0:06:35.440 it can be hard to stay present. 0:06:35.440,0:06:37.870 This could mean that we're[br]unable to stay in our body 0:06:37.870,0:06:39.180 and so we'll dissociate 0:06:39.180,0:06:41.650 or that we struggle to[br]stay in the present time 0:06:41.650,0:06:44.660 and have a hard time[br]discerning past from present 0:06:44.660,0:06:46.530 and I put these two tools together 0:06:46.530,0:06:49.200 because they work really in tandem. 0:06:49.200,0:06:50.150 Now, first, think about it. 0:06:50.150,0:06:52.200 With mindfulness, we have to begin feeling 0:06:52.200,0:06:54.590 all that comes up for us in our body 0:06:54.590,0:06:57.330 as well as what emotions we feel. 0:06:57.330,0:06:59.190 This can start by simply[br]tracking your feelings 0:06:59.190,0:07:00.023 with feelings charts. 0:07:00.023,0:07:02.380 I've talked about that a lot.[br]So you can print those off. 0:07:02.380,0:07:04.890 You can Google them online[br]and print off a feelings chart 0:07:04.890,0:07:07.100 but it helps to track that first 0:07:07.100,0:07:10.290 and then progress to how an[br]emotion feels in your body. 0:07:10.290,0:07:13.680 Where is it, what sensation[br]do you feel, et cetera 0:07:13.680,0:07:14.900 and it can take some time 0:07:14.900,0:07:17.640 but the better able we are[br]to recognize the feeling 0:07:17.640,0:07:19.880 and actually allow ourselves to feel it 0:07:19.880,0:07:21.970 and move through it and stay present, 0:07:21.970,0:07:24.450 the better able we'll be[br]to talk through our trauma 0:07:24.450,0:07:27.680 and start to heal and also[br]because we have to be present 0:07:27.680,0:07:29.440 in order for our brain to have the chance 0:07:29.440,0:07:31.480 to reprocess at all. 0:07:31.480,0:07:32.723 Talked about that when it comes to EMDR 0:07:32.723,0:07:35.620 that we have to be present[br]in order for it to work 0:07:35.620,0:07:38.170 and that's why figuring out[br]what grounding techniques, 0:07:38.170,0:07:39.360 remember these work in tandem, right, 0:07:39.360,0:07:40.920 mindfulness and grounding, 0:07:40.920,0:07:42.670 it's important to figure out[br]what grounding techniques 0:07:42.670,0:07:46.740 work for you and that will help[br]you so much in this process 0:07:46.740,0:07:47.750 and remember, grounding techniques 0:07:47.750,0:07:49.800 could be snapping rubber[br]bands on your wrist, 0:07:49.800,0:07:52.430 stomping your feet, clapping your hands, 0:07:52.430,0:07:54.730 counting the colors in a room. 0:07:54.730,0:07:57.190 Connecting to what we feel in our body 0:07:57.190,0:07:59.210 and connecting that with[br]the grounding technique 0:07:59.210,0:08:01.150 can help us focus on that area 0:08:01.150,0:08:05.360 and can be so life changing[br]during our trauma reprocessing. 0:08:05.360,0:08:08.180 Next or number three, explore the trauma 0:08:08.180,0:08:11.040 and situations that created shame for you. 0:08:11.040,0:08:12.610 Because shame is often attached 0:08:12.610,0:08:14.750 to a lot of other uncomfortable emotions 0:08:14.750,0:08:18.310 and could be what's keeping[br]us held in our PTSD response, 0:08:18.310,0:08:20.270 we have to figure out what situations 0:08:20.270,0:08:22.750 caused us to feel shameful. 0:08:22.750,0:08:26.050 Now, obviously, this needs to[br]be done slowly and carefully 0:08:26.050,0:08:28.100 but your therapist should walk you through 0:08:28.100,0:08:30.390 and help you see the other[br]side of the encounter. 0:08:30.390,0:08:32.430 Perhaps we aren't taking[br]into consideration 0:08:32.430,0:08:35.410 why someone would do[br]that to another person. 0:08:35.410,0:08:37.350 Is that person an egomaniac? 0:08:37.350,0:08:40.550 Maybe they're acting out[br]of their own pain or shame. 0:08:40.550,0:08:41.780 Would they have done this to us 0:08:41.780,0:08:43.830 or someone else no matter we did? 0:08:43.830,0:08:46.020 Essentially taking the[br]responsibility off ourselves, 0:08:46.020,0:08:47.480 it can lead to shame. 0:08:47.480,0:08:49.860 Taking the time to reframe what happened 0:08:49.860,0:08:52.550 can help us acknowledge how we felt 0:08:52.550,0:08:54.390 instead of what we usually try to do 0:08:54.390,0:08:57.130 is try to just brush it off,[br]push it down and ignore it 0:08:57.130,0:08:59.060 and I know talking through each encounter 0:08:59.060,0:09:00.610 that may have caused us to feel shame 0:09:00.610,0:09:02.620 can seem really, really tedious 0:09:02.620,0:09:04.310 but it's important that we do it 0:09:04.310,0:09:07.060 so that we can see the other side of it 0:09:07.060,0:09:09.940 and then be able to let it go. 0:09:09.940,0:09:11.120 It can also help to talk out 0:09:11.120,0:09:14.120 what other emotions come up[br]for you when you do this. 0:09:14.120,0:09:16.690 So maybe you feel anger and shame? 0:09:16.690,0:09:18.610 Adding in an emotion word to the shame 0:09:18.610,0:09:20.730 can help us better connect[br]with what we're feeling 0:09:20.730,0:09:24.010 again going back to the tip[br]before this about mindfulness. 0:09:24.010,0:09:25.810 Acknowledging that we felt other emotions 0:09:25.810,0:09:28.460 can be clues to our healing as well. 0:09:28.460,0:09:30.160 Now, next or number four, 0:09:30.160,0:09:32.620 developing new and healthier relationships 0:09:32.620,0:09:34.600 and ways to protect ourselves. 0:09:34.600,0:09:36.280 Shame often gets passed around 0:09:36.280,0:09:37.920 from hurt person to hurt person 0:09:37.920,0:09:40.580 because it's often too[br]difficult to deal with. 0:09:40.580,0:09:43.800 So instead of dealing with[br]it, we inflict it upon others. 0:09:43.800,0:09:46.170 One article I read[br]called shame a hot potato 0:09:46.170,0:09:48.330 and I kinda like that analogy[br]'cause it gets passed around. 0:09:48.330,0:09:50.100 We're like, ugh, I hate[br]this, it feels terrible, 0:09:50.100,0:09:53.040 you take it and so we[br]push it onto other people 0:09:53.040,0:09:56.930 but once we figured it[br]where the shame came from, 0:09:56.930,0:09:58.800 the situations, the people, 0:09:58.800,0:10:00.560 the traumas we may have experienced 0:10:00.560,0:10:03.370 and we're able to safely[br]reframe these situations 0:10:03.370,0:10:05.910 to see it wasn't in fact our fault 0:10:05.910,0:10:08.850 and there isn't anything[br]inherently wrong with us 0:10:08.850,0:10:11.480 then we can develop[br]healthier coping skills 0:10:11.480,0:10:15.250 and relationships starting with[br]our therapeutic relationship 0:10:15.250,0:10:17.170 and you can do roleplay within sessions 0:10:17.170,0:10:19.190 to practice communication skills, 0:10:19.190,0:10:21.410 come up with self-care[br]tools and techniques 0:10:21.410,0:10:24.170 and work together to[br]recognize any of the clues 0:10:24.170,0:10:26.670 that we may be slipping into old habits. 0:10:26.670,0:10:30.340 Now, I know all of that[br]may seem like a lot of work 0:10:30.340,0:10:33.430 and in truth it is but I[br]always think it's important 0:10:33.430,0:10:36.890 that we know it can and will get better. 0:10:36.890,0:10:39.810 Finding the right therapist,[br]possibly a trauma specialist, 0:10:39.810,0:10:43.650 is imperative as well as being[br]patient with your process. 0:10:43.650,0:10:46.220 Trauma work takes time[br]and what's most important 0:10:46.220,0:10:48.860 is that you feel supported[br]as you were challenged 0:10:48.860,0:10:50.700 but not pushed to move too fast 0:10:50.700,0:10:53.100 and that's why resourcing was[br]the first step I mentioned. 0:10:53.100,0:10:54.580 We need to feel supported and safe 0:10:54.580,0:10:56.670 while we do all of the[br]work we're gonna need to do 0:10:56.670,0:10:57.900 in order to heal. 0:10:57.900,0:10:59.030 This video has been brought to you 0:10:59.030,0:11:00.740 by the Kinions on Patreon. 0:11:00.740,0:11:02.230 If you would like to support the creation 0:11:02.230,0:11:03.490 of these mental health videos, 0:11:03.490,0:11:05.490 click the link in the[br]description and check it out. 0:11:05.490,0:11:07.660 But as always, I wanna hear from you. 0:11:07.660,0:11:09.460 Did I leave out an important step? 0:11:09.460,0:11:11.510 Was there something else that helped you? 0:11:11.510,0:11:14.720 Do you think shame and trauma[br]aren't really linked at all? 0:11:14.720,0:11:16.300 Let me know in those comments down below 0:11:16.300,0:11:17.780 and I will see you next time. 0:11:17.780,0:11:18.613 Bye.