WEBVTT

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This summer I was back
in Ohio for a family wedding,

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and when I was there,

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there was a meet and greet
with Anna and Elsa from "Frozen."

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Not the Anna and Elsa from "Frozen,"

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as this was not a Disney-sanctioned event.

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These two entrepreneurs had
a business of running princess parties.

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Your kid is turning five?

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They'll come sing some songs,
sprinkle some fairy dust, it's great.

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And they were not about
to miss out on the opportunity

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that was the phenomenon
and that was "Frozen."

NOTE Paragraph

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So they get hired by a local toy store,

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kids come in on a Saturday morning,

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buy some Disney swag, get their
picture taken with the princesses,

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call it a day.

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It's like Santa Claus
without the seasonal restrictions.

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(Laughter)

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And my three-and-a-half-year-old niece
Samantha was in the thick of it.

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She could care less that these two women
were signing posters and coloring books

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as Snow Queen and Princess Ana
with one N to avoid copyright lawsuits.

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(Laughter)

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According to my niece and the 200-plus
kids in the parking lot that day,

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this was the Anna and Elsa from "Frozen."

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It is a blazing hot Saturday morning
in August in Ohio.

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We get there at 10 o'clock,
the scheduled start time,

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and we are handed number 59.

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By 11 o'clock they had called
numbers 21 through 25;

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this was going to be a while,

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and there is no amount
of free face painting or temporary tattoos

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that could prevent the meltdowns
that were occurring outside of the store.

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(Laughter)

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So, by 12:30 we get called:

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"56 to 63, please."

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And as we walk in, it is a scene
I can only describe you

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as saying it looked like Norway threw up.

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(Laughter)

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There were cardboard
cut-out snowflakes covering the floor,

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glitter on every flat surface,
and icicles all over the walls.

NOTE Paragraph

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And as we stood in line

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in an attempt to give
my niece a better vantage point

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than the backside
of the mother of number 58,

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I put her up on my shoulders,

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and she was instantly riveted
by the sight of the princesses.

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And as we moved forward,
her excitement only grew,

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and as we finally got
to the front of the line,

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and number 58 unfurled her poster
to be signed by the princesses,

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I could literally feel the excitement
running through her body.

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And let's be honest,
at that point, I was pretty excited too.

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(Laughter)

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I mean, the Scandinavian decadence
was mesmerizing.

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(Laughter)

NOTE Paragraph

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So we get to the front of the line,

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and the haggard clerk
turns to my niece and says,

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"Hi, honey. You're next!

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Do you want to get down,
or you're going to stay

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on your dad's shoulders for the picture?'

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(Laughter)

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And I was, for a lack
of a better word, frozen.

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(Laughter)

NOTE Paragraph

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It's amazing that in an unexpected instant
we are faced with the question,

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who am I?

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Am I an aunt? Or am I an advocate?

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Millions of people have seen my video
about how to have a hard conversation,

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and there one was, right in front of me.

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At the same time,

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there's nothing more important
to me than the kids in my life,

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so I found myself in a situation
that we so often find ourselves in,

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torn between two things,
two impossible choices.

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Would I be an advocate?

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Would I take my niece off my shoulders
and turn to the clerk and explain to her

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that I was in fact
her aunt, not her father,

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and that she should be more careful

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and not to jump to gender conclusions
based on haircuts and shoulder rides --

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(Laughter) --

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and while doing that,

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miss out on what was, to this point,
the greatest moment of my niece's life.

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Or would I be an aunt?

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Would I brush off that comment,
take a million pictures,

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and not be distracted for an instant
from the pure joy of that moment,

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and by doing that,

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walk out with the shame that comes up
for not standing up for myself,

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especially in front of my niece.

NOTE Paragraph

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Who was I?

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Which one was more important?
Which role was more worth it?

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Was I an aunt? Or was I an advocate?

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And I had a split second to decide.

NOTE Paragraph

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We are taught right now

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that we are living in a world
of constant and increasing polarity.

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It's so black and white,
so us and them, so right and wrong.

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There is no middle,
there is no gray, just polarity.

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Polarity is a state in which
two ideas or opinions

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are completely opposite from each other;

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a diametrical opposition.

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Which side are you on?

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Are you unequivocally and without question
antiwar, pro-choice, anti-death penalty,

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pro-gun regulation, proponent
of open borders and pro-union?

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Or, are you absolutely 
and uncompromisingly

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pro-war, pro-life, pro-death penalty,


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a believer that the Second
Amendment is absolute,

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anti-immigrant and pro-business?

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It's all or none, you're with us
or against us.

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That is polarity.

NOTE Paragraph

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The problem with polarity 
and absolutes is that

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it eliminates the individuality
of our human experience

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and that makes it contradictory
to our human nature.

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But if we are pulled
in these two directions,

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but it's not really where we exist --

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polarity is not our actual reality --

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where do we go from there?

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What's at the other end of that spectrum?

NOTE Paragraph

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I don't think it's an unattainable,
harmonious utopia,

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I think the opposite
of polarity is duality.

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Duality is a state of having two parts,

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but not in diametrical opposition,

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in simultaneous existence.

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Don't think it's possible?

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Here are the people I know:

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I know Catholics who are pro-choice,
and feminists who wear hijabs,

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and veterans who are antiwar,

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and NRA members who think
I should be able to get married.

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Those are the people I know,
those are my friends and family,

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that is the majority of our society,
that is you, that is me.

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(Applause)

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Duality is the ability
to hold both things.

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But the question is:
Can we own our duality?

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Can we have the courage
to hold both things?

NOTE Paragraph

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I work at a restaurant in town,

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I became really good friends
with the busser.

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I was a server and we had 
a great relationship,

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we had a really great time together.

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Her Spanish was great

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because she was from Mexico.

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(Laughter)

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That line actually went the other way.

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Her English was limited,
but significantly better than my Spanish.

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But we were united by our similarities,

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not separated by our differences.

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And we were close, even though
we came from very different worlds.

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She was from Mexico,


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she left her family behind
so she could come here

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and afford them a better life back home.

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She was a devout conservative Catholic,

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a believer in traditional family values,

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stereotypical roles of men and women,

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and I was, well, me.

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(Laughter)

NOTE Paragraph

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But the things that bonded us
were when she asked about my girlfriend,

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or she shared pictures that she had
from her family back home.

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Those were the things
that brought us together.

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So one day, we were in the back,

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scarfing down food as quickly as we could,
gathered around a small table,

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during a very rare lull,

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and a new guy
from the kitchen came over --

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who happened to be her cousin --

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and sat down with all
the bravado and machismo

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that his 20-year-old body could hold.

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(Laughter)

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And he said to her,
[in Spanish] "Does Ash have a boyfriend?"

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And she said,
[in Spanish] "No, she has a girlfriend."

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And he said,
[in Spanish] "A girlfriend?!?"

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And she set down her fork,
and locked eyes with him,

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and said, [in Spanish] "Yes,
a girlfriend. That is all."

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And his smug smile quickly dropped
to one of maternal respect,

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grabbed his plate, walked off,
went back to work.

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She never made eye contact with me.

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She left, did the same thing --

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it was a 10-second conversation,
such a short interaction.

NOTE Paragraph

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And on paper, she had
so much more in common with him:

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language, culture, history, family,
her community was her lifeline here,

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but her moral compass trumped all of that.

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And a little bit later, they were joking
around in the kitchen in Spanish,

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that had nothing to do with me,

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and that is duality.

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She didn't have to choose some P.C. stance
on gayness over her heritage.

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She didn't have to choose
her family over our friendship.

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It wasn't Jesus or Ash.

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

NOTE Paragraph

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Her individual morality
was so strongly rooted

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that she had the courage
to hold both things.

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Our moral integrity is our responsibility

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and we must be prepared to defend it
even when it's not convenient.

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That's what it means to be an ally,
and if you're going to be an ally,

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you have to be an active ally:

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Ask questions, act when you hear
something inappropriate,

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actually engage.

NOTE Paragraph

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I had a family friend who for years
used to call my girlfriend my lover.

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Really? Lover?

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So overly sexual,

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so '70s gay porn.

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(Laughter)

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But she was trying, and she asked.

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She could have called her my friend,

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or my "friend," or my "special friend" --

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(Laughter) --

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or even worse, just not asked at all.

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Believe me, we would rather have you ask.

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I would rather have her say lover,
than say nothing at all.

NOTE Paragraph

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People often say to me,
"Well, Ash, I don't care.

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I don't see race
or religion or sexuality.

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It doesn't matter to me. I don't see it."

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But I think the opposite of homophobia
and racism and xenophobia is not love,

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it's apathy.

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If you don't see my gayness,
then you don't see me.

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If it doesn't matter to you
who I sleep with,

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then you cannot imagine what it feels like

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when I walk down the street
late at night holding her hand,

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and approach a group of people
and have to make the decision

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if I should hang on to it
or if I should I drop it

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when all I want to do
is squeeze it tighter.

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And the small victory I feel

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when I make it by
and don't have to let go.

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And the incredible cowardice
and disappointment I feel when I drop it.

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If you do not see that struggle

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that is unique to my human experience
because I am gay, then you don't see me.

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If you are going to be an ally,
I need you to see me.

NOTE Paragraph

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As individuals, as allies, as humans,


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we need to be able to hold both things:

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both the good and the bad,


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the easy and the hard.

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You don't learn how to hold
two things just from the fluff,

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you learn it from the grit.

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And what if duality
is just the first step?

00:11:44.308 --> 00:11:49.137
What if through compassion
and empathy and human interaction

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we are able to learn to hold two things?

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And if we can hold
two things, we can hold four,

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and if we can hold four,
we can hold eight,

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and if we can hold eight,
we can hold hundreds.

NOTE Paragraph

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We are complex individuals,


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swirls of contradiction.

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You are all holding
so many things right now.

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What can you do to hold just a few more?

NOTE Paragraph

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So, back to Toledo, Ohio.

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I'm at the front of the line,

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niece on my shoulders,
the frazzled clerk calls me Dad.

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Have you ever been mistaken
for the wrong gender?

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Not even that.

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Have you ever been called
something you are not?

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Here's what it feels like for me:

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I am instantly an internal storm
of contrasting emotions.

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I break out into a sweat that is
a combination of rage and humiliation,

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I feel like the entire store
is staring at me,

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and I simultaneously feel invisible.

00:12:49.179 --> 00:12:52.122
I want to explode in a tirade of fury,

00:12:52.123 --> 00:12:54.716
and I want to crawl under a rock.

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And top all of that off
with the frustration that I'm wearing

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an out-of-character
tight-fitting purple t-shirt,

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so this whole store can see my boobs,

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to make sure this exact
same thing doesn't happen.

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(Laughter)

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But, despite my best efforts
to be seen as the gender I am,

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it still happens.

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And I hope with every ounce
of my body that no one heard --

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not my sister, not my girlfriend,
and certainly not my niece.

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I am accustomed to this familiar hurt,

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but I will do whatever I need to do
to protect the people I love from it.

NOTE Paragraph

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But then I take my niece off my shoulders,

00:13:34.441 --> 00:13:36.615
and she runs to Elsa and Anna --

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the thing she's been
waiting so long for --

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and all that stuff goes away.


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All that matters is the smile on her face.

00:13:44.980 --> 00:13:50.637
And as the 30 seconds we waited
two and a half hours for comes to a close

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we gather up our things,
and I lock eyes with the clerk again;

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and she gives me
an apologetic smile and mouths,

00:13:58.979 --> 00:14:01.275
"I am so sorry!"

00:14:01.276 --> 00:14:03.385
(Laughter)

00:14:03.386 --> 00:14:09.242
And her humanity, her willingness to admit
her mistake disarms me immediately,

00:14:09.243 --> 00:14:14.415
then I give her a: "It's okay,
it happens. But thanks."

NOTE Paragraph

00:14:14.416 --> 00:14:17.406
And I realize in that moment

00:14:17.407 --> 00:14:19.444
that I don't have to be

00:14:19.445 --> 00:14:23.643
either an aunt
or an advocate, I can be both.

00:14:24.903 --> 00:14:30.251
I can live in duality,
and I can hold two things.

00:14:30.252 --> 00:14:33.189
And if I can hold two things
in that environment,

00:14:33.190 --> 00:14:35.542
I can hold so many more things.

00:14:35.543 --> 00:14:39.295
As my girlfriend and my niece hold hands
and skip out the front of the door,

00:14:39.296 --> 00:14:42.039
I turn to my sister and say,
"Was it worth it?"

00:14:42.040 --> 00:14:43.814
And she said, "Are you kidding me?

00:14:43.815 --> 00:14:47.702
Did you see the look on her face?
This was the greatest day of her life!"

00:14:47.703 --> 00:14:48.800
(Laughter)

00:14:48.801 --> 00:14:51.758
"It was worth the two
and a half hours in the heat,

00:14:51.759 --> 00:14:56.146
it was worth the overpriced coloring book
that we already had a copy of."

00:14:56.147 --> 00:14:57.854
(Laughter)

00:14:57.855 --> 00:15:01.509
"It was even worth you 
getting called Dad."

00:15:01.510 --> 00:15:02.615
(Laughter)

00:15:05.205 --> 00:15:10.919
And for the first time ever
in my life, it actually was.

NOTE Paragraph

00:15:10.920 --> 00:15:13.098
Thank you, Boulder. Have a good night.

NOTE Paragraph

00:15:13.099 --> 00:15:14.619
(Applause)