0:00:00.751,0:00:07.636 This summer I was back[br]in Ohio for a family wedding, 0:00:07.784,0:00:09.985 and when I was there, 0:00:09.985,0:00:13.338 there was a meet and greet[br]with Anna and Elsa from "Frozen." 0:00:13.478,0:00:17.103 Not the Anna and Elsa from "Frozen," 0:00:17.103,0:00:19.833 as this was not a Disney-sanctioned event. 0:00:19.833,0:00:24.433 These two entrepreneurs had[br]a business of running princess parties. 0:00:24.433,0:00:26.017 Your kid is turning five? 0:00:26.017,0:00:29.544 They'll come sing some songs,[br]sprinkle some fairy dust, it's great. 0:00:29.554,0:00:33.168 And they were not about[br]to miss out on the opportunity 0:00:33.168,0:00:35.803 that was the phenomenon[br]and that was "Frozen." 0:00:35.804,0:00:37.700 So they get hired by a local toy store, 0:00:37.701,0:00:39.457 kids come in on a Saturday morning, 0:00:39.458,0:00:42.557 buy some Disney swag, get their[br]picture taken with the princesses, 0:00:42.557,0:00:44.160 call it a day. 0:00:44.160,0:00:46.856 It's like Santa Claus[br]without the seasonal restrictions. 0:00:46.857,0:00:48.462 (Laughter) 0:00:48.463,0:00:53.550 And my three-and-a-half-year-old niece[br]Samantha was in the thick of it. 0:00:53.550,0:00:58.672 She could care less that these two women[br]were signing posters and coloring books 0:00:58.672,0:01:03.956 as Snow Queen and Princess Ana[br]with one N to avoid copyright lawsuits. 0:01:03.956,0:01:05.122 (Laughter) 0:01:05.123,0:01:09.818 According to my niece and the 200-plus[br]kids in the parking lot that day, 0:01:09.819,0:01:14.542 this was the Anna and Elsa from "Frozen." 0:01:15.955,0:01:21.597 It is a blazing hot Saturday morning[br]in August in Ohio. 0:01:21.598,0:01:24.872 We get there at 10 o'clock,[br]the scheduled start time, 0:01:24.873,0:01:27.105 and we are handed number 59. 0:01:27.106,0:01:31.673 By 11 o'clock they had called[br]numbers 21 through 25; 0:01:31.674,0:01:33.426 this was going to be a while, 0:01:33.427,0:01:37.891 and there is no amount[br]of free face painting or temporary tattoos 0:01:37.892,0:01:41.396 that could prevent the meltdowns[br]that were occurring outside of the store. 0:01:41.397,0:01:42.971 (Laughter) 0:01:42.972,0:01:47.113 So, by 12:30 we get called: 0:01:47.114,0:01:50.306 "56 to 63, please." 0:01:50.316,0:01:53.677 And as we walk in, it is a scene[br]I can only describe you 0:01:53.678,0:01:56.567 as saying it looked like Norway threw up. 0:01:56.568,0:01:57.947 (Laughter) 0:01:57.948,0:02:02.333 There were cardboard[br]cut-out snowflakes covering the floor, 0:02:02.334,0:02:07.252 glitter on every flat surface,[br]and icicles all over the walls. 0:02:07.870,0:02:09.063 And as we stood in line 0:02:09.063,0:02:11.596 in an attempt to give[br]my niece a better vantage point 0:02:11.596,0:02:14.151 than the backside[br]of the mother of number 58, 0:02:14.151,0:02:15.879 I put her up on my shoulders, 0:02:15.880,0:02:19.978 and she was instantly riveted[br]by the sight of the princesses. 0:02:19.979,0:02:22.519 And as we moved forward,[br]her excitement only grew, 0:02:22.520,0:02:24.804 and as we finally got[br]to the front of the line, 0:02:24.804,0:02:28.497 and number 58 unfurled her poster[br]to be signed by the princesses, 0:02:28.498,0:02:32.097 I could literally feel the excitement[br]running through her body. 0:02:32.098,0:02:35.062 And let's be honest,[br]at that point, I was pretty excited too. 0:02:35.063,0:02:36.457 (Laughter) 0:02:36.458,0:02:39.456 I mean, the Scandinavian decadence[br]was mesmerizing. 0:02:39.457,0:02:40.625 (Laughter) 0:02:40.626,0:02:42.535 So we get to the front of the line, 0:02:42.536,0:02:45.545 and the haggard clerk[br]turns to my niece and says, 0:02:45.546,0:02:47.365 "Hi, honey. You're next! 0:02:47.366,0:02:49.655 Do you want to get down,[br]or you're going to stay 0:02:49.656,0:02:51.912 on your dad's shoulders for the picture?' 0:02:51.913,0:02:53.399 (Laughter) 0:02:53.400,0:02:57.261 And I was, for a lack[br]of a better word, frozen. 0:02:57.262,0:02:58.873 (Laughter) 0:02:58.874,0:03:03.666 It's amazing that in an unexpected instant[br]we are faced with the question, 0:03:03.667,0:03:04.997 who am I? 0:03:04.998,0:03:08.465 Am I an aunt? Or am I an advocate? 0:03:08.466,0:03:12.296 Millions of people have seen my video[br]about how to have a hard conversation, 0:03:12.297,0:03:14.613 and there one was, right in front of me. 0:03:14.614,0:03:15.685 At the same time, 0:03:15.686,0:03:18.595 there's nothing more important[br]to me than the kids in my life, 0:03:18.596,0:03:22.543 so I found myself in a situation[br]that we so often find ourselves in, 0:03:22.544,0:03:25.766 torn between two things,[br]two impossible choices. 0:03:25.767,0:03:27.793 Would I be an advocate? 0:03:27.794,0:03:32.341 Would I take my niece off my shoulders[br]and turn to the clerk and explain to her 0:03:32.342,0:03:35.479 that I was in fact[br]her aunt, not her father, 0:03:35.480,0:03:37.848 and that she should be more careful 0:03:37.849,0:03:42.604 and not to jump to gender conclusions[br]based on haircuts and shoulder rides -- 0:03:42.605,0:03:43.740 (Laughter) -- 0:03:43.741,0:03:45.597 and while doing that, 0:03:45.598,0:03:50.386 miss out on what was, to this point,[br]the greatest moment of my niece's life. 0:03:51.116,0:03:53.205 Or would I be an aunt? 0:03:53.206,0:03:56.343 Would I brush off that comment,[br]take a million pictures, 0:03:56.344,0:04:01.321 and not be distracted for an instant[br]from the pure joy of that moment, 0:04:01.322,0:04:02.840 and by doing that, 0:04:02.841,0:04:06.223 walk out with the shame that comes up[br]for not standing up for myself, 0:04:06.224,0:04:08.606 especially in front of my niece. 0:04:08.607,0:04:10.409 Who was I? 0:04:10.410,0:04:15.228 Which one was more important?[br]Which role was more worth it? 0:04:15.230,0:04:18.218 Was I an aunt? Or was I an advocate? 0:04:18.219,0:04:21.435 And I had a split second to decide. 0:04:22.235,0:04:23.813 We are taught right now 0:04:23.814,0:04:28.112 that we are living in a world[br]of constant and increasing polarity. 0:04:28.113,0:04:32.684 It's so black and white,[br]so us and them, so right and wrong. 0:04:33.524,0:04:37.691 There is no middle,[br]there is no gray, just polarity. 0:04:37.691,0:04:40.131 Polarity is a state in which[br]two ideas or opinions 0:04:40.132,0:04:42.712 are completely opposite from each other; 0:04:42.712,0:04:44.866 a diametrical opposition. 0:04:46.127,0:04:48.581 Which side are you on? 0:04:48.581,0:04:52.646 Are you unequivocally and without question[br]antiwar, pro-choice, anti-death penalty, 0:04:52.646,0:04:56.104 pro-gun regulation, proponent[br]of open borders and pro-union? 0:04:56.104,0:05:01.337 Or, are you absolutely [br]and uncompromisingly 0:05:01.337,0:05:03.522 pro-war, pro-life, pro-death penalty,[br] 0:05:03.522,0:05:05.838 a believer that the Second[br]Amendment is absolute, 0:05:05.838,0:05:07.542 anti-immigrant and pro-business? 0:05:07.542,0:05:09.787 It's all or none, you're with us[br]or against us. 0:05:09.787,0:05:11.507 That is polarity. 0:05:12.247,0:05:17.190 The problem with polarity [br]and absolutes is that 0:05:17.191,0:05:22.355 it eliminates the individuality[br]of our human experience 0:05:22.355,0:05:26.381 and that makes it contradictory[br]to our human nature. 0:05:27.187,0:05:29.297 But if we are pulled[br]in these two directions, 0:05:29.297,0:05:31.077 but it's not really where we exist -- 0:05:31.077,0:05:33.507 polarity is not our actual reality -- 0:05:33.507,0:05:34.887 where do we go from there? 0:05:34.887,0:05:38.367 What's at the other end of that spectrum? 0:05:38.368,0:05:42.407 I don't think it's an unattainable,[br]harmonious utopia, 0:05:42.408,0:05:45.841 I think the opposite[br]of polarity is duality. 0:05:45.842,0:05:48.446 Duality is a state of having two parts, 0:05:48.446,0:05:51.729 but not in diametrical opposition, 0:05:51.730,0:05:54.675 in simultaneous existence. 0:05:54.676,0:05:56.662 Don't think it's possible? 0:05:56.663,0:05:58.333 Here are the people I know: 0:05:58.334,0:06:01.497 I know Catholics who are pro-choice,[br]and feminists who wear hijabs, 0:06:01.497,0:06:03.201 and veterans who are antiwar, 0:06:03.202,0:06:05.986 and NRA members who think[br]I should be able to get married. 0:06:05.987,0:06:09.022 Those are the people I know,[br]those are my friends and family, 0:06:09.023,0:06:11.999 that is the majority of our society,[br]that is you, that is me. 0:06:12.000,0:06:13.657 (Applause) 0:06:20.717,0:06:25.885 Duality is the ability[br]to hold both things. 0:06:25.886,0:06:30.007 But the question is:[br]Can we own our duality? 0:06:30.008,0:06:33.730 Can we have the courage[br]to hold both things? 0:06:34.230,0:06:36.422 I work at a restaurant in town, 0:06:36.422,0:06:39.032 I became really good friends[br]with the busser. 0:06:39.032,0:06:42.050 I was a server and we had [br]a great relationship, 0:06:42.050,0:06:43.990 we had a really great time together. 0:06:43.990,0:06:47.608 Her Spanish was great 0:06:47.609,0:06:49.450 because she was from Mexico. 0:06:49.451,0:06:51.312 (Laughter) 0:06:51.313,0:06:53.746 That line actually went the other way. 0:06:53.747,0:06:57.668 Her English was limited,[br]but significantly better than my Spanish. 0:06:59.848,0:07:03.677 But we were united by our similarities, 0:07:03.678,0:07:06.578 not separated by our differences. 0:07:06.578,0:07:09.698 And we were close, even though[br]we came from very different worlds. 0:07:09.698,0:07:10.838 She was from Mexico,[br] 0:07:10.838,0:07:14.169 she left her family behind[br]so she could come here 0:07:14.169,0:07:16.149 and afford them a better life back home. 0:07:16.166,0:07:19.106 She was a devout conservative Catholic, 0:07:19.106,0:07:21.826 a believer in traditional family values, 0:07:21.826,0:07:23.932 stereotypical roles of men and women, 0:07:23.933,0:07:26.727 and I was, well, me. 0:07:26.728,0:07:28.632 (Laughter) 0:07:28.633,0:07:32.318 But the things that bonded us[br]were when she asked about my girlfriend, 0:07:32.319,0:07:35.787 or she shared pictures that she had[br]from her family back home. 0:07:35.788,0:07:38.415 Those were the things[br]that brought us together. 0:07:38.416,0:07:40.002 So one day, we were in the back, 0:07:40.003,0:07:43.682 scarfing down food as quickly as we could,[br]gathered around a small table, 0:07:43.683,0:07:45.313 during a very rare lull, 0:07:45.313,0:07:47.323 and a new guy[br]from the kitchen came over -- 0:07:47.323,0:07:48.985 who happened to be her cousin -- 0:07:48.985,0:07:51.787 and sat down with all[br]the bravado and machismo 0:07:51.788,0:07:53.949 that his 20-year-old body could hold. 0:07:53.950,0:07:55.771 (Laughter) 0:07:55.772,0:08:00.744 And he said to her,[br][in Spanish] "Does Ash have a boyfriend?" 0:08:01.904,0:08:05.856 And she said,[br][in Spanish] "No, she has a girlfriend." 0:08:07.386,0:08:10.911 And he said,[br][in Spanish] "A girlfriend?!?" 0:08:10.912,0:08:14.024 And she set down her fork,[br]and locked eyes with him, 0:08:14.025,0:08:19.047 and said, [in Spanish] "Yes,[br]a girlfriend. That is all." 0:08:19.048,0:08:23.940 And his smug smile quickly dropped[br]to one of maternal respect, 0:08:23.941,0:08:27.143 grabbed his plate, walked off,[br]went back to work. 0:08:27.144,0:08:28.878 She never made eye contact with me. 0:08:29.668,0:08:31.383 She left, did the same thing -- 0:08:31.384,0:08:34.654 it was a 10-second conversation,[br]such a short interaction. 0:08:34.655,0:08:37.191 And on paper, she had[br]so much more in common with him: 0:08:37.191,0:08:42.289 language, culture, history, family,[br]her community was her lifeline here, 0:08:42.289,0:08:46.460 but her moral compass trumped all of that. 0:08:46.461,0:08:50.123 And a little bit later, they were joking[br]around in the kitchen in Spanish, 0:08:50.124,0:08:52.024 that had nothing to do with me, 0:08:52.025,0:08:54.469 and that is duality. 0:08:54.470,0:08:58.983 She didn't have to choose some P.C. stance[br]on gayness over her heritage. 0:08:58.983,0:09:02.133 She didn't have to choose[br]her family over our friendship. 0:09:02.134,0:09:04.408 It wasn't Jesus or Ash. 0:09:04.409,0:09:06.376 (Laughter) 0:09:08.556,0:09:10.493 (Applause) 0:09:15.183,0:09:19.760 Her individual morality[br]was so strongly rooted 0:09:19.761,0:09:23.142 that she had the courage[br]to hold both things. 0:09:23.143,0:09:26.324 Our moral integrity is our responsibility 0:09:26.325,0:09:30.556 and we must be prepared to defend it[br]even when it's not convenient. 0:09:30.557,0:09:33.870 That's what it means to be an ally,[br]and if you're going to be an ally, 0:09:33.870,0:09:36.157 you have to be an active ally: 0:09:36.158,0:09:40.045 Ask questions, act when you hear[br]something inappropriate, 0:09:40.046,0:09:42.074 actually engage. 0:09:42.075,0:09:46.508 I had a family friend who for years[br]used to call my girlfriend my lover. 0:09:48.531,0:09:50.975 Really? Lover? 0:09:50.976,0:09:53.000 So overly sexual, 0:09:53.001,0:09:55.046 so '70s gay porn. 0:09:55.047,0:09:56.253 (Laughter) 0:09:59.293,0:10:01.788 But she was trying, and she asked. 0:10:01.789,0:10:03.572 She could have called her my friend, 0:10:03.573,0:10:07.707 or my "friend," or my "special friend" -- 0:10:07.708,0:10:09.092 (Laughter) -- 0:10:09.093,0:10:12.058 or even worse, just not asked at all. 0:10:12.059,0:10:15.689 Believe me, we would rather have you ask. 0:10:15.690,0:10:20.931 I would rather have her say lover,[br]than say nothing at all. 0:10:20.932,0:10:23.963 People often say to me,[br]"Well, Ash, I don't care. 0:10:23.964,0:10:27.756 I don't see race[br]or religion or sexuality. 0:10:27.757,0:10:30.600 It doesn't matter to me. I don't see it." 0:10:31.910,0:10:37.244 But I think the opposite of homophobia[br]and racism and xenophobia is not love, 0:10:37.245,0:10:38.858 it's apathy. 0:10:38.859,0:10:42.962 If you don't see my gayness,[br]then you don't see me. 0:10:42.963,0:10:45.948 If it doesn't matter to you[br]who I sleep with, 0:10:45.949,0:10:48.134 then you cannot imagine what it feels like 0:10:48.135,0:10:51.011 when I walk down the street[br]late at night holding her hand, 0:10:51.011,0:10:53.829 and approach a group of people[br]and have to make the decision 0:10:53.829,0:10:56.174 if I should hang on to it[br]or if I should I drop it 0:10:56.175,0:10:58.493 when all I want to do[br]is squeeze it tighter. 0:10:58.494,0:11:01.011 And the small victory I feel 0:11:01.012,0:11:03.719 when I make it by[br]and don't have to let go. 0:11:03.720,0:11:08.838 And the incredible cowardice[br]and disappointment I feel when I drop it. 0:11:08.839,0:11:10.787 If you do not see that struggle 0:11:10.788,0:11:17.263 that is unique to my human experience[br]because I am gay, then you don't see me. 0:11:17.264,0:11:22.678 If you are going to be an ally,[br]I need you to see me. 0:11:22.679,0:11:25.622 As individuals, as allies, as humans,[br] 0:11:25.622,0:11:28.622 we need to be able to hold both things: 0:11:28.622,0:11:31.070 both the good and the bad,[br] 0:11:31.070,0:11:32.900 the easy and the hard. 0:11:32.900,0:11:37.371 You don't learn how to hold[br]two things just from the fluff, 0:11:37.372,0:11:39.773 you learn it from the grit. 0:11:39.774,0:11:43.158 And what if duality[br]is just the first step? 0:11:44.308,0:11:49.137 What if through compassion[br]and empathy and human interaction 0:11:49.138,0:11:51.532 we are able to learn to hold two things? 0:11:51.533,0:11:53.847 And if we can hold[br]two things, we can hold four, 0:11:53.848,0:11:55.858 and if we can hold four,[br]we can hold eight, 0:11:55.859,0:11:58.099 and if we can hold eight,[br]we can hold hundreds. 0:11:58.100,0:12:00.562 We are complex individuals,[br] 0:12:00.562,0:12:02.362 swirls of contradiction. 0:12:02.362,0:12:04.967 You are all holding[br]so many things right now. 0:12:05.888,0:12:09.330 What can you do to hold just a few more? 0:12:10.100,0:12:12.237 So, back to Toledo, Ohio. 0:12:12.237,0:12:14.417 I'm at the front of the line, 0:12:14.417,0:12:18.519 niece on my shoulders,[br]the frazzled clerk calls me Dad. 0:12:18.520,0:12:22.080 Have you ever been mistaken[br]for the wrong gender? 0:12:23.111,0:12:25.309 Not even that. 0:12:25.310,0:12:29.759 Have you ever been called[br]something you are not? 0:12:31.509,0:12:34.039 Here's what it feels like for me: 0:12:34.040,0:12:38.113 I am instantly an internal storm[br]of contrasting emotions. 0:12:38.114,0:12:43.656 I break out into a sweat that is[br]a combination of rage and humiliation, 0:12:43.657,0:12:46.617 I feel like the entire store[br]is staring at me, 0:12:46.618,0:12:49.178 and I simultaneously feel invisible. 0:12:49.179,0:12:52.122 I want to explode in a tirade of fury, 0:12:52.123,0:12:54.716 and I want to crawl under a rock. 0:12:54.717,0:12:57.819 And top all of that off[br]with the frustration that I'm wearing 0:12:57.820,0:13:01.418 an out-of-character[br]tight-fitting purple t-shirt, 0:13:01.418,0:13:03.456 so this whole store can see my boobs, 0:13:03.456,0:13:06.457 to make sure this exact[br]same thing doesn't happen. 0:13:06.458,0:13:08.640 (Laughter) 0:13:08.640,0:13:12.962 But, despite my best efforts[br]to be seen as the gender I am, 0:13:12.962,0:13:14.803 it still happens. 0:13:14.804,0:13:19.496 And I hope with every ounce[br]of my body that no one heard -- 0:13:19.497,0:13:24.050 not my sister, not my girlfriend,[br]and certainly not my niece. 0:13:24.050,0:13:26.491 I am accustomed to this familiar hurt, 0:13:26.491,0:13:30.566 but I will do whatever I need to do[br]to protect the people I love from it. 0:13:31.906,0:13:34.440 But then I take my niece off my shoulders, 0:13:34.441,0:13:36.615 and she runs to Elsa and Anna -- 0:13:36.616,0:13:39.182 the thing she's been[br]waiting so long for -- 0:13:39.183,0:13:41.270 and all that stuff goes away.[br] 0:13:41.270,0:13:44.980 All that matters is the smile on her face. 0:13:44.980,0:13:50.637 And as the 30 seconds we waited[br]two and a half hours for comes to a close 0:13:50.638,0:13:55.841 we gather up our things,[br]and I lock eyes with the clerk again; 0:13:55.842,0:13:58.978 and she gives me[br]an apologetic smile and mouths, 0:13:58.979,0:14:01.275 "I am so sorry!" 0:14:01.276,0:14:03.385 (Laughter) 0:14:03.386,0:14:09.242 And her humanity, her willingness to admit[br]her mistake disarms me immediately, 0:14:09.243,0:14:14.415 then I give her a: "It's okay,[br]it happens. But thanks." 0:14:14.416,0:14:17.406 And I realize in that moment 0:14:17.407,0:14:19.444 that I don't have to be 0:14:19.445,0:14:23.643 either an aunt[br]or an advocate, I can be both. 0:14:24.903,0:14:30.251 I can live in duality,[br]and I can hold two things. 0:14:30.252,0:14:33.189 And if I can hold two things[br]in that environment, 0:14:33.190,0:14:35.542 I can hold so many more things. 0:14:35.543,0:14:39.295 As my girlfriend and my niece hold hands[br]and skip out the front of the door, 0:14:39.296,0:14:42.039 I turn to my sister and say,[br]"Was it worth it?" 0:14:42.040,0:14:43.814 And she said, "Are you kidding me? 0:14:43.815,0:14:47.702 Did you see the look on her face?[br]This was the greatest day of her life!" 0:14:47.703,0:14:48.800 (Laughter) 0:14:48.801,0:14:51.758 "It was worth the two[br]and a half hours in the heat, 0:14:51.759,0:14:56.146 it was worth the overpriced coloring book[br]that we already had a copy of." 0:14:56.147,0:14:57.854 (Laughter) 0:14:57.855,0:15:01.509 "It was even worth you [br]getting called Dad." 0:15:01.510,0:15:02.615 (Laughter) 0:15:05.205,0:15:10.919 And for the first time ever[br]in my life, it actually was. 0:15:10.920,0:15:13.098 Thank you, Boulder. Have a good night. 0:15:13.099,0:15:14.619 (Applause)