WEBVTT 00:00:01.026 --> 00:00:02.523 When I was a child, 00:00:02.547 --> 00:00:03.706 every other Friday, 00:00:03.730 --> 00:00:06.672 I would leave my mother and stepfather's home -- 00:00:06.696 --> 00:00:11.345 an Indian and British, atheist, Buddhist, 00:00:11.369 --> 00:00:17.023 agnostic, vegetarian, new age-y sometimes, 00:00:17.047 --> 00:00:18.339 Democratic household. 00:00:19.339 --> 00:00:23.812 And I would go 1.4 miles to my father and stepmother's home 00:00:23.836 --> 00:00:27.420 and enter a white, Evangelical Christian, 00:00:27.444 --> 00:00:30.297 conservative, Republican, 00:00:30.321 --> 00:00:32.836 twice-a-week-churchgoing, 00:00:32.860 --> 00:00:34.954 meat-eating family. 00:00:35.996 --> 00:00:38.446 It doesn't take a shrink to explain how I ended up 00:00:38.470 --> 00:00:40.186 in the field of conflict resolution. NOTE Paragraph 00:00:40.210 --> 00:00:41.752 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:00:42.164 --> 00:00:45.911 Whether I was facilitating dialogues in Charlottesville or Istanbul 00:00:45.935 --> 00:00:47.158 or Ahmedabad, 00:00:47.182 --> 00:00:49.087 the challenge was always the same: 00:00:50.088 --> 00:00:51.787 despite all odds, 00:00:51.811 --> 00:00:53.353 and with integrity, 00:00:53.377 --> 00:00:56.278 how do you get people to connect meaningfully, 00:00:56.302 --> 00:00:57.920 to take risks, 00:00:57.944 --> 00:01:00.508 to be changed by their experience? 00:01:01.626 --> 00:01:07.105 And I would witness extraordinarily beautiful electricity in those rooms. 00:01:07.930 --> 00:01:09.612 And then I would leave those rooms 00:01:09.636 --> 00:01:12.404 and attend my everyday gatherings like all of you -- 00:01:12.428 --> 00:01:15.645 a wedding or a conference or a back-to-school picnic -- 00:01:15.669 --> 00:01:17.332 and many would fall flat. 00:01:18.155 --> 00:01:19.987 There was a meaning gap 00:01:20.011 --> 00:01:22.631 between these high-intensity conflict groups 00:01:22.655 --> 00:01:24.706 and my everyday gatherings. 00:01:25.412 --> 00:01:27.856 Now, you could say, sure, somebody's birthday party 00:01:27.880 --> 00:01:30.215 isn't going to live up to a race dialogue, 00:01:30.239 --> 00:01:32.244 but that's not what I was responding to. 00:01:33.688 --> 00:01:35.083 As a facilitator, 00:01:35.107 --> 00:01:37.180 you're taught to strip everything away 00:01:37.204 --> 00:01:40.193 and focus on the interaction between people, 00:01:40.217 --> 00:01:44.316 whereas everyday hosts focus on getting the things right -- 00:01:44.340 --> 00:01:47.373 the food, the flowers, the fish knives -- 00:01:47.397 --> 00:01:50.721 and leave the interaction between people largely to chance. NOTE Paragraph 00:01:51.599 --> 00:01:55.878 So I began to wonder how we might change our everyday gatherings 00:01:55.902 --> 00:02:00.096 to focus on making meaning by human connection, 00:02:00.120 --> 00:02:02.308 not obsessing with the canapés. 00:02:03.777 --> 00:02:07.654 And I set out and interviewed dozens of brave and unusual hosts -- 00:02:07.678 --> 00:02:10.862 an Olympic hockey coach, a Cirque du Soleil choreographer, 00:02:10.886 --> 00:02:12.969 a rabbi, a camp counselor-- 00:02:12.993 --> 00:02:15.333 to better understand what creates meaningful 00:02:15.357 --> 00:02:17.194 and even transformative gatherings. 00:02:17.513 --> 00:02:20.181 And I want to share with you some of what I learned today 00:02:20.205 --> 00:02:22.288 about the new rules of gathering. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:23.812 --> 00:02:25.586 So when most people plan a gathering, 00:02:25.610 --> 00:02:27.899 they start with an off-the-rack format. 00:02:27.923 --> 00:02:30.721 Birthday party? Cake and candles. 00:02:31.112 --> 00:02:32.349 Board meeting? 00:02:32.373 --> 00:02:34.975 One brown table, 12 white men. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:34.999 --> 00:02:37.439 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:02:39.405 --> 00:02:43.691 Assuming the purpose is obvious, we skip too quickly to form. 00:02:43.715 --> 00:02:46.371 This not only leads to dull and repetitive gatherings, 00:02:46.395 --> 00:02:48.620 it misses a deeper opportunity 00:02:48.644 --> 00:02:51.060 to actually address our needs. 00:02:51.904 --> 00:02:55.512 The first step of creating more meaningful everyday gatherings 00:02:56.405 --> 00:03:00.151 is to embrace a specific disputable purpose. NOTE Paragraph 00:03:01.381 --> 00:03:04.946 An expectant mother I know was dreading her baby shower. 00:03:05.542 --> 00:03:08.449 The idea of "pin the diaper on the baby" games 00:03:08.473 --> 00:03:11.303 and opening gifts felt odd and irrelevant. 00:03:11.787 --> 00:03:13.130 So she paused to ask: 00:03:13.154 --> 00:03:15.795 What is the purpose of a baby shower? 00:03:15.819 --> 00:03:18.554 What is my need at this moment? 00:03:19.268 --> 00:03:21.604 And she realized it was to address her fears 00:03:21.628 --> 00:03:24.788 of her and her husband's -- remember that guy? -- 00:03:24.812 --> 00:03:26.393 transition to parenthood. 00:03:26.817 --> 00:03:30.440 And so she asked two friends to invent a gathering based on that. 00:03:30.978 --> 00:03:34.038 And so on a sunny afternoon, six women gathered. 00:03:34.062 --> 00:03:38.744 And first, to address her fear of labor -- she was terrified -- 00:03:38.768 --> 00:03:41.076 they told her stories from her life 00:03:41.100 --> 00:03:44.923 to remind her of the characteristics she already carries -- 00:03:44.947 --> 00:03:48.687 bravery, wonder, faith, surrender -- 00:03:49.513 --> 00:03:52.820 that they believed would carry her and help her in labor as well. 00:03:52.844 --> 00:03:57.504 And as they spoke, they tied a bead for each quality into a necklace 00:03:57.528 --> 00:04:00.632 that she could wear around her neck in the delivery room. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:01.216 --> 00:04:03.238 Next, her husband came in, 00:04:03.262 --> 00:04:07.189 and they wrote new vows, family vows, and spoke them aloud, 00:04:07.213 --> 00:04:09.518 first committing to keep their marriage central 00:04:09.542 --> 00:04:11.223 as they transitioned to parenthood, 00:04:11.247 --> 00:04:14.054 but also future vows to their future son 00:04:14.078 --> 00:04:17.380 of what they wanted to carry with them from each of their family lines 00:04:17.404 --> 00:04:19.839 and what would stop with this generation. 00:04:20.392 --> 00:04:24.156 Then more friends came along, including men, for a dinner party. 00:04:24.180 --> 00:04:28.096 And in lieu of gifts, they each brought a favorite memory from their childhood 00:04:28.120 --> 00:04:29.774 to share with the table. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:29.798 --> 00:04:33.589 Now, you might be thinking this is a lot for a baby shower, 00:04:33.613 --> 00:04:36.301 or it's a little weird or it's a little intimate. 00:04:36.325 --> 00:04:37.499 Good. 00:04:37.523 --> 00:04:38.763 It's specific. 00:04:38.787 --> 00:04:40.393 It's disputable. 00:04:40.417 --> 00:04:42.006 It's specific to them, 00:04:42.030 --> 00:04:44.849 just as your gathering should be specific to you. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:46.353 --> 00:04:50.047 The next step of creating more meaningful everyday gatherings 00:04:50.071 --> 00:04:52.773 is to cause good controversy. 00:04:53.908 --> 00:04:55.543 You may have learned, as I did, 00:04:55.567 --> 00:04:58.924 never to talk about sex, politics or religion at the dinner table. 00:04:59.295 --> 00:05:02.202 It's a good rule in that it preserves harmony, 00:05:02.226 --> 00:05:03.833 or that's its intention. 00:05:03.857 --> 00:05:08.329 But it strips away a core ingredient of meaning, which is heat, 00:05:08.353 --> 00:05:09.979 burning relevance. 00:05:10.736 --> 00:05:14.883 The best gatherings learn to cultivate good controversy 00:05:14.907 --> 00:05:17.273 by creating the conditions for it, 00:05:17.297 --> 00:05:21.755 because human connection is as threatened by unhealthy peace 00:05:21.779 --> 00:05:23.560 as by unhealthy conflict. 00:05:25.218 --> 00:05:27.929 I was once working with an architecture firm, 00:05:27.953 --> 00:05:29.432 and they were at a crossroads. 00:05:29.456 --> 00:05:33.318 They had to figure out whether they wanted to continue to be an architecture firm 00:05:33.342 --> 00:05:35.353 and focus on the construction of buildings 00:05:35.377 --> 00:05:37.863 or pivot and become the hot new thing, a design firm, 00:05:37.887 --> 00:05:40.700 focusing on beyond the construction of spaces. 00:05:40.724 --> 00:05:42.801 And there was real disagreement in the room, 00:05:42.825 --> 00:05:46.241 but you wouldn't know, because no one was actually speaking up publicly. 00:05:46.265 --> 00:05:48.110 And so we hosted good controversy. 00:05:48.134 --> 00:05:51.327 After a lunch break, all the architects came back, 00:05:51.351 --> 00:05:54.395 and we hosted a cage match. 00:05:55.479 --> 00:05:56.666 They walked in, 00:05:56.690 --> 00:06:00.095 we took one architect, put him in one corner to represent architecture, 00:06:00.119 --> 00:06:01.984 the other one to represent design. 00:06:02.008 --> 00:06:03.986 We threw white towels around their necks, 00:06:04.010 --> 00:06:06.208 stolen from the bathroom -- sorry -- 00:06:06.232 --> 00:06:08.659 played Rocky music on an iPad, 00:06:08.683 --> 00:06:10.852 got each a Don King-like manager 00:06:10.876 --> 00:06:13.477 to rev them up and prepare them with counterarguments, 00:06:13.501 --> 00:06:17.012 and then basically made them each argue the best possible argument 00:06:17.036 --> 00:06:18.645 of each future vision. 00:06:19.344 --> 00:06:22.638 The norm of politeness was blocking their progress. 00:06:22.662 --> 00:06:26.668 And we then had everybody else physically choose a side 00:06:26.692 --> 00:06:28.332 in front of their colleagues. 00:06:28.356 --> 00:06:31.323 And because they were able to actually show where they stood, 00:06:31.347 --> 00:06:32.634 they broke an impasse. 00:06:33.240 --> 00:06:34.733 Architecture won. NOTE Paragraph 00:06:35.479 --> 00:06:36.922 So that's work. 00:06:36.946 --> 00:06:42.127 What about a hypothetical tense Thanksgiving dinner? 00:06:42.151 --> 00:06:43.384 Anyone? NOTE Paragraph 00:06:43.408 --> 00:06:45.079 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:06:46.041 --> 00:06:48.573 So first, ask the purpose. 00:06:48.597 --> 00:06:51.797 What does this family need this year? 00:06:52.594 --> 00:06:55.610 If cultivating good heat is part of it, 00:06:55.634 --> 00:07:00.545 then try for a night banning opinions and asking for stories instead. 00:07:01.387 --> 00:07:04.304 Choose a theme related to the underlying conflict. 00:07:04.995 --> 00:07:06.146 But instead of opinions, 00:07:06.170 --> 00:07:09.226 ask everybody to share a story from their life and experience 00:07:09.250 --> 00:07:11.762 that nobody around the table has ever heard, 00:07:11.786 --> 00:07:14.351 to difference or to belonging 00:07:14.375 --> 00:07:16.774 or to a time I changed my mind, 00:07:17.542 --> 00:07:19.766 giving people a way in to each other 00:07:19.790 --> 00:07:21.670 without burning the house down. NOTE Paragraph 00:07:23.559 --> 00:07:26.837 And finally, to create more meaningful everyday gatherings, 00:07:27.948 --> 00:07:30.727 create a temporary alternative world 00:07:30.751 --> 00:07:33.737 through the use of pop-up rules. NOTE Paragraph 00:07:35.021 --> 00:07:38.761 A few years ago, I started noticing invitations coming with a set of rules. 00:07:39.580 --> 00:07:42.064 Kind of boring or controlling, right? 00:07:43.000 --> 00:07:44.233 Wrong. 00:07:44.257 --> 00:07:47.013 In this multicultural, intersectional society, 00:07:47.037 --> 00:07:49.114 where more of us are gathered and raised 00:07:49.138 --> 00:07:51.905 by people and with etiquette unlike our own, 00:07:51.929 --> 00:07:54.198 where we don't share the etiquette, 00:07:54.222 --> 00:07:56.138 unspoken norms are trouble, 00:07:57.141 --> 00:08:00.695 whereas pop-up rules allow us to connect meaningfully. 00:08:00.719 --> 00:08:04.888 They're one-time-only constitutions for a specific purpose. 00:08:04.912 --> 00:08:07.433 So a team dinner, 00:08:07.457 --> 00:08:09.682 where different generations are gathering 00:08:09.706 --> 00:08:12.805 and don't share the same assumptions of phone etiquette: 00:08:13.991 --> 00:08:15.961 whoever looks at their phone first 00:08:15.985 --> 00:08:17.240 foots the bill. NOTE Paragraph 00:08:17.264 --> 00:08:18.676 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:08:18.700 --> 00:08:19.906 Try it. NOTE Paragraph 00:08:19.930 --> 00:08:21.398 (Applause) NOTE Paragraph 00:08:21.422 --> 00:08:24.307 For an entrepreneurial advice circle of just strangers, 00:08:24.331 --> 00:08:26.764 where the hosts don't want everybody to just listen 00:08:26.788 --> 00:08:28.844 to the one venture capitalist in the room -- NOTE Paragraph 00:08:28.868 --> 00:08:29.884 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:08:29.908 --> 00:08:31.351 knowing laugh -- NOTE Paragraph 00:08:31.375 --> 00:08:32.409 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:08:32.433 --> 00:08:35.857 you can't reveal what you do for a living. NOTE Paragraph 00:08:36.437 --> 00:08:38.184 For a mom's dinner, 00:08:38.208 --> 00:08:39.877 where you want to upend the norms 00:08:39.901 --> 00:08:44.416 of what women who also happen to be mothers talk about when they gather, 00:08:44.440 --> 00:08:47.497 if you talk about your kids, you have to take a shot. NOTE Paragraph 00:08:47.521 --> 00:08:50.139 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:08:50.624 --> 00:08:51.938 That's a real dinner. NOTE Paragraph 00:08:53.258 --> 00:08:55.303 Rules are powerful, 00:08:55.327 --> 00:09:00.196 because they allow us to temporarily change and harmonize our behavior. 00:09:00.220 --> 00:09:02.210 And in diverse societies, 00:09:02.234 --> 00:09:04.558 pop-up rules carry special force. 00:09:05.028 --> 00:09:07.269 They allow us to gather across difference, 00:09:07.293 --> 00:09:08.777 to connect, 00:09:08.801 --> 00:09:10.160 to make meaning together 00:09:10.184 --> 00:09:11.958 without having to be the same. NOTE Paragraph 00:09:13.104 --> 00:09:14.582 When I was a child, 00:09:15.564 --> 00:09:18.536 I navigated my two worlds by becoming a chameleon. 00:09:19.266 --> 00:09:21.477 If somebody sneezed in my mother's home, 00:09:21.501 --> 00:09:23.131 I would say, "Bless you," 00:09:23.155 --> 00:09:25.983 in my father's, "God bless you." 00:09:26.848 --> 00:09:29.216 To protect myself, I hid, 00:09:29.240 --> 00:09:30.764 as so many of us do. 00:09:31.420 --> 00:09:34.179 And it wasn't until I grew up and through conflict work 00:09:34.203 --> 00:09:36.222 that I began to stop hiding. 00:09:37.730 --> 00:09:40.574 And I realized that gatherings for me, 00:09:40.598 --> 00:09:42.185 at their best, 00:09:42.209 --> 00:09:44.553 allow us to be among others, 00:09:45.410 --> 00:09:47.922 to be seen for who we are, 00:09:47.946 --> 00:09:50.081 and to see. NOTE Paragraph 00:09:51.510 --> 00:09:53.718 The way we gather matters 00:09:55.210 --> 00:09:57.562 because how we gather 00:09:57.586 --> 00:09:58.880 is how we live. NOTE Paragraph 00:09:59.627 --> 00:10:00.784 Thank you. NOTE Paragraph 00:10:00.808 --> 00:10:03.730 (Applause)