0:00:01.026,0:00:02.523
When I was a child,

0:00:02.547,0:00:03.706
every other Friday,

0:00:03.730,0:00:06.672
I would leave my mother[br]and stepfather's home --

0:00:06.696,0:00:11.345
an Indian and British, atheist, Buddhist,

0:00:11.369,0:00:17.023
agnostic, vegetarian, new age-y sometimes,

0:00:17.047,0:00:18.339
Democratic household.

0:00:19.339,0:00:23.812
And I would go 1.4 miles[br]to my father and stepmother's home

0:00:23.836,0:00:27.420
and enter a white, Evangelical Christian,

0:00:27.444,0:00:30.297
conservative, Republican,

0:00:30.321,0:00:32.836
twice-a-week-churchgoing,

0:00:32.860,0:00:34.954
meat-eating family.

0:00:35.996,0:00:38.446
It doesn't take a shrink[br]to explain how I ended up

0:00:38.470,0:00:40.186
in the field of conflict resolution.

0:00:40.210,0:00:41.752
(Laughter)

0:00:42.164,0:00:45.911
Whether I was facilitating dialogues[br]in Charlottesville or Istanbul

0:00:45.935,0:00:47.158
or Ahmedabad,

0:00:47.182,0:00:49.087
the challenge was always the same:

0:00:50.088,0:00:51.787
despite all odds,

0:00:51.811,0:00:53.353
and with integrity,

0:00:53.377,0:00:56.278
how do you get people[br]to connect meaningfully,

0:00:56.302,0:00:57.920
to take risks,

0:00:57.944,0:01:00.508
to be changed by their experience?

0:01:01.626,0:01:07.105
And I would witness extraordinarily[br]beautiful electricity in those rooms.

0:01:07.930,0:01:09.612
And then I would leave those rooms

0:01:09.636,0:01:12.404
and attend my everyday[br]gatherings like all of you --

0:01:12.428,0:01:15.645
a wedding or a conference[br]or a back-to-school picnic --

0:01:15.669,0:01:17.332
and many would fall flat.

0:01:18.155,0:01:19.987
There was a meaning gap

0:01:20.011,0:01:22.631
between these high-intensity[br]conflict groups

0:01:22.655,0:01:24.706
and my everyday gatherings.

0:01:25.412,0:01:27.856
Now, you could say, sure,[br]somebody's birthday party

0:01:27.880,0:01:30.215
isn't going to live up to a race dialogue,

0:01:30.239,0:01:32.244
but that's not what I was responding to.

0:01:33.688,0:01:35.083
As a facilitator,

0:01:35.107,0:01:37.180
you're taught to strip everything away

0:01:37.204,0:01:40.193
and focus on the interaction[br]between people,

0:01:40.217,0:01:44.316
whereas everyday hosts[br]focus on getting the things right --

0:01:44.340,0:01:47.373
the food, the flowers, the fish knives --

0:01:47.397,0:01:50.721
and leave the interaction[br]between people largely to chance.

0:01:51.599,0:01:55.878
So I began to wonder how we might change[br]our everyday gatherings

0:01:55.902,0:02:00.096
to focus on making meaning[br]by human connection,

0:02:00.120,0:02:02.308
not obsessing with the canapés.

0:02:03.777,0:02:07.654
And I set out and interviewed[br]dozens of brave and unusual hosts --

0:02:07.678,0:02:10.862
an Olympic hockey coach,[br]a Cirque du Soleil choreographer,

0:02:10.886,0:02:12.969
a rabbi, a camp counselor--

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to better understand[br]what creates meaningful

0:02:15.357,0:02:17.194
and even transformative gatherings.

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And I want to share with you[br]some of what I learned today

0:02:20.205,0:02:22.288
about the new rules of gathering.

0:02:23.812,0:02:25.586
So when most people plan a gathering,

0:02:25.610,0:02:27.899
they start with an off-the-rack format.

0:02:27.923,0:02:30.721
Birthday party? Cake and candles.

0:02:31.112,0:02:32.349
Board meeting?

0:02:32.373,0:02:34.975
One brown table, 12 white men.

0:02:34.999,0:02:37.439
(Laughter)

0:02:39.405,0:02:43.691
Assuming the purpose is obvious,[br]we skip too quickly to form.

0:02:43.715,0:02:46.371
This not only leads to dull[br]and repetitive gatherings,

0:02:46.395,0:02:48.620
it misses a deeper opportunity

0:02:48.644,0:02:51.060
to actually address our needs.

0:02:51.904,0:02:55.512
The first step of creating[br]more meaningful everyday gatherings

0:02:56.405,0:03:00.151
is to embrace a specific[br]disputable purpose.

0:03:01.381,0:03:04.946
An expectant mother I know[br]was dreading her baby shower.

0:03:05.542,0:03:08.449
The idea of "pin the diaper[br]on the baby" games

0:03:08.473,0:03:11.303
and opening gifts felt odd and irrelevant.

0:03:11.787,0:03:13.130
So she paused to ask:

0:03:13.154,0:03:15.795
What is the purpose of a baby shower?

0:03:15.819,0:03:18.554
What is my need at this moment?

0:03:19.268,0:03:21.604
And she realized it was[br]to address her fears

0:03:21.628,0:03:24.788
of her and her husband's --[br]remember that guy? --

0:03:24.812,0:03:26.393
transition to parenthood.

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And so she asked two friends[br]to invent a gathering based on that.

0:03:30.978,0:03:34.038
And so on a sunny afternoon,[br]six women gathered.

0:03:34.062,0:03:38.744
And first, to address her fear of labor --[br]she was terrified --

0:03:38.768,0:03:41.076
they told her stories from her life

0:03:41.100,0:03:44.923
to remind her of the characteristics[br]she already carries --

0:03:44.947,0:03:48.687
bravery, wonder, faith, surrender --

0:03:49.513,0:03:52.820
that they believed would carry her[br]and help her in labor as well.

0:03:52.844,0:03:57.504
And as they spoke, they tied a bead[br]for each quality into a necklace

0:03:57.528,0:04:00.632
that she could wear around her neck[br]in the delivery room.

0:04:01.216,0:04:03.238
Next, her husband came in,

0:04:03.262,0:04:07.189
and they wrote new vows,[br]family vows, and spoke them aloud,

0:04:07.213,0:04:09.518
first committing to keep[br]their marriage central

0:04:09.542,0:04:11.223
as they transitioned to parenthood,

0:04:11.247,0:04:14.054
but also future vows to their future son

0:04:14.078,0:04:17.380
of what they wanted to carry with them[br]from each of their family lines

0:04:17.404,0:04:19.839
and what would stop with this generation.

0:04:20.392,0:04:24.156
Then more friends came along,[br]including men, for a dinner party.

0:04:24.180,0:04:28.096
And in lieu of gifts, they each brought[br]a favorite memory from their childhood

0:04:28.120,0:04:29.774
to share with the table.

0:04:29.798,0:04:33.589
Now, you might be thinking[br]this is a lot for a baby shower,

0:04:33.613,0:04:36.301
or it's a little weird[br]or it's a little intimate.

0:04:36.325,0:04:37.499
Good.

0:04:37.523,0:04:38.763
It's specific.

0:04:38.787,0:04:40.393
It's disputable.

0:04:40.417,0:04:42.006
It's specific to them,

0:04:42.030,0:04:44.849
just as your gathering[br]should be specific to you.

0:04:46.353,0:04:50.047
The next step of creating[br]more meaningful everyday gatherings

0:04:50.071,0:04:52.773
is to cause good controversy.

0:04:53.908,0:04:55.543
You may have learned, as I did,

0:04:55.567,0:04:58.924
never to talk about sex, politics[br]or religion at the dinner table.

0:04:59.295,0:05:02.202
It's a good rule in that[br]it preserves harmony,

0:05:02.226,0:05:03.833
or that's its intention.

0:05:03.857,0:05:08.329
But it strips away a core ingredient[br]of meaning, which is heat,

0:05:08.353,0:05:09.979
burning relevance.

0:05:10.736,0:05:14.883
The best gatherings learn[br]to cultivate good controversy

0:05:14.907,0:05:17.273
by creating the conditions for it,

0:05:17.297,0:05:21.755
because human connection[br]is as threatened by unhealthy peace

0:05:21.779,0:05:23.560
as by unhealthy conflict.

0:05:25.218,0:05:27.929
I was once working[br]with an architecture firm,

0:05:27.953,0:05:29.432
and they were at a crossroads.

0:05:29.456,0:05:33.318
They had to figure out whether they wanted[br]to continue to be an architecture firm

0:05:33.342,0:05:35.353
and focus on the construction of buildings

0:05:35.377,0:05:37.863
or pivot and become[br]the hot new thing, a design firm,

0:05:37.887,0:05:40.700
focusing on beyond[br]the construction of spaces.

0:05:40.724,0:05:42.801
And there was real[br]disagreement in the room,

0:05:42.825,0:05:46.241
but you wouldn't know, because no one[br]was actually speaking up publicly.

0:05:46.265,0:05:48.110
And so we hosted good controversy.

0:05:48.134,0:05:51.327
After a lunch break,[br]all the architects came back,

0:05:51.351,0:05:54.395
and we hosted a cage match.

0:05:55.479,0:05:56.666
They walked in,

0:05:56.690,0:06:00.095
we took one architect, put him[br]in one corner to represent architecture,

0:06:00.119,0:06:01.984
the other one to represent design.

0:06:02.008,0:06:03.986
We threw white towels around their necks,

0:06:04.010,0:06:06.208
stolen from the bathroom -- sorry --

0:06:06.232,0:06:08.659
played Rocky music on an iPad,

0:06:08.683,0:06:10.852
got each a Don King-like manager

0:06:10.876,0:06:13.477
to rev them up and prepare them[br]with counterarguments,

0:06:13.501,0:06:17.012
and then basically made them each argue[br]the best possible argument

0:06:17.036,0:06:18.645
of each future vision.

0:06:19.344,0:06:22.638
The norm of politeness[br]was blocking their progress.

0:06:22.662,0:06:26.668
And we then had everybody else[br]physically choose a side

0:06:26.692,0:06:28.332
in front of their colleagues.

0:06:28.356,0:06:31.323
And because they were able[br]to actually show where they stood,

0:06:31.347,0:06:32.634
they broke an impasse.

0:06:33.240,0:06:34.733
Architecture won.

0:06:35.479,0:06:36.922
So that's work.

0:06:36.946,0:06:42.127
What about a hypothetical[br]tense Thanksgiving dinner?

0:06:42.151,0:06:43.384
Anyone?

0:06:43.408,0:06:45.079
(Laughter)

0:06:46.041,0:06:48.573
So first, ask the purpose.

0:06:48.597,0:06:51.797
What does this family need this year?

0:06:52.594,0:06:55.610
If cultivating good heat is part of it,

0:06:55.634,0:07:00.545
then try for a night banning opinions[br]and asking for stories instead.

0:07:01.387,0:07:04.304
Choose a theme[br]related to the underlying conflict.

0:07:04.995,0:07:06.146
But instead of opinions,

0:07:06.170,0:07:09.226
ask everybody to share a story[br]from their life and experience

0:07:09.250,0:07:11.762
that nobody around the table[br]has ever heard,

0:07:11.786,0:07:14.351
to difference or to belonging

0:07:14.375,0:07:16.774
or to a time I changed my mind,

0:07:17.542,0:07:19.766
giving people a way in to each other

0:07:19.790,0:07:21.670
without burning the house down.

0:07:23.559,0:07:26.837
And finally, to create more meaningful[br]everyday gatherings,

0:07:27.948,0:07:30.727
create a temporary alternative world

0:07:30.751,0:07:33.737
through the use of pop-up rules.

0:07:35.021,0:07:38.761
A few years ago, I started noticing[br]invitations coming with a set of rules.

0:07:39.580,0:07:42.064
Kind of boring or controlling, right?

0:07:43.000,0:07:44.233
Wrong.

0:07:44.257,0:07:47.013
In this multicultural,[br]intersectional society,

0:07:47.037,0:07:49.114
where more of us are gathered and raised

0:07:49.138,0:07:51.905
by people and with etiquette[br]unlike our own,

0:07:51.929,0:07:54.198
where we don't share the etiquette,

0:07:54.222,0:07:56.138
unspoken norms are trouble,

0:07:57.141,0:08:00.695
whereas pop-up rules allow us[br]to connect meaningfully.

0:08:00.719,0:08:04.888
They're one-time-only constitutions[br]for a specific purpose.

0:08:04.912,0:08:07.433
So a team dinner,

0:08:07.457,0:08:09.682
where different generations are gathering

0:08:09.706,0:08:12.805
and don't share the same[br]assumptions of phone etiquette:

0:08:13.991,0:08:15.961
whoever looks at their phone first

0:08:15.985,0:08:17.240
foots the bill.

0:08:17.264,0:08:18.676
(Laughter)

0:08:18.700,0:08:19.906
Try it.

0:08:19.930,0:08:21.398
(Applause)

0:08:21.422,0:08:24.307
For an entrepreneurial advice circle[br]of just strangers,

0:08:24.331,0:08:26.764
where the hosts don't want[br]everybody to just listen

0:08:26.788,0:08:28.844
to the one venture capitalist[br]in the room --

0:08:28.868,0:08:29.884
(Laughter)

0:08:29.908,0:08:31.351
knowing laugh --

0:08:31.375,0:08:32.409
(Laughter)

0:08:32.433,0:08:35.857
you can't reveal what you do for a living.

0:08:36.437,0:08:38.184
For a mom's dinner,

0:08:38.208,0:08:39.877
where you want to upend the norms

0:08:39.901,0:08:44.416
of what women who also happen[br]to be mothers talk about when they gather,

0:08:44.440,0:08:47.497
if you talk about your kids,[br]you have to take a shot.

0:08:47.521,0:08:50.139
(Laughter)

0:08:50.624,0:08:51.938
That's a real dinner.

0:08:53.258,0:08:55.303
Rules are powerful,

0:08:55.327,0:09:00.196
because they allow us to temporarily[br]change and harmonize our behavior.

0:09:00.220,0:09:02.210
And in diverse societies,

0:09:02.234,0:09:04.558
pop-up rules carry special force.

0:09:05.028,0:09:07.269
They allow us to gather across difference,

0:09:07.293,0:09:08.777
to connect,

0:09:08.801,0:09:10.160
to make meaning together

0:09:10.184,0:09:11.958
without having to be the same.

0:09:13.104,0:09:14.582
When I was a child,

0:09:15.564,0:09:18.536
I navigated my two worlds[br]by becoming a chameleon.

0:09:19.266,0:09:21.477
If somebody sneezed in my mother's home,

0:09:21.501,0:09:23.131
I would say, "Bless you,"

0:09:23.155,0:09:25.983
in my father's, "God bless you."

0:09:26.848,0:09:29.216
To protect myself, I hid,

0:09:29.240,0:09:30.764
as so many of us do.

0:09:31.420,0:09:34.179
And it wasn't until I grew up[br]and through conflict work

0:09:34.203,0:09:36.222
that I began to stop hiding.

0:09:37.730,0:09:40.574
And I realized that gatherings for me,

0:09:40.598,0:09:42.185
at their best,

0:09:42.209,0:09:44.553
allow us to be among others,

0:09:45.410,0:09:47.922
to be seen for who we are,

0:09:47.946,0:09:50.081
and to see.

0:09:51.510,0:09:53.718
The way we gather matters

0:09:55.210,0:09:57.562
because how we gather

0:09:57.586,0:09:58.880
is how we live.

0:09:59.627,0:10:00.784
Thank you.

0:10:00.808,0:10:03.730
(Applause)