[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.87,0:00:03.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So the other morning\NI went to the grocery store
Dialogue: 0,0:00:03.15,0:00:04.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and an employee greeted me
Dialogue: 0,0:00:04.49,0:00:07.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with a "Good morning, sir,\Ncan I help you with anything?"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:07.21,0:00:09.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said, "No, thanks, I'm good."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:09.58,0:00:11.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The person smiled\Nand we went our separate ways.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:11.84,0:00:14.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I grabbed Cheerios\Nand I left the grocery store.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.18,0:00:16.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I went through the drive-through\Nof a local coffee shop.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:16.93,0:00:19.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,After I placed my order,\Nthe voice on the other end said,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.63,0:00:21.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Thank you, ma'am. Drive right around."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:21.52,0:00:23.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, in the span of less than an hour,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.36,0:00:26.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was understood\Nboth as a "sir" and as a "ma'am."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.76,0:00:28.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But for me, neither\Nof these people are wrong,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:28.99,0:00:31.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but they're also not completely right.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:32.31,0:00:35.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This cute little human\Nis my almost-two-year-old Elliot.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:36.36,0:00:37.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah, alright.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:38.53,0:00:39.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And over the past two years,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.92,0:00:41.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this kid has forced me\Nto rethink the world
Dialogue: 0,0:00:41.96,0:00:43.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and how I participate in it.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:43.46,0:00:47.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I identify as transgender and as a parent,\Nthat makes me a transparent.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.45,0:00:50.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:50.94,0:00:52.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:52.38,0:00:54.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Cheering)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:54.26,0:00:59.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.77,0:01:03.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As you can see, I took\Nthis year's theme super literal.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:03.37,0:01:04.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:04.46,0:01:06.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like any good dad joke should.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:07.60,0:01:09.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,More specifically, I identify\Nas genderqueer.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.95,0:01:12.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there are lots of ways\Nto experience being genderqueer,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:12.75,0:01:15.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but for me that means I don't\Nreally identify as a man or a woman.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.97,0:01:19.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I feel in between and sometimes\Noutside of this gender binary.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:19.54,0:01:21.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And being outside of this gender binary
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.42,0:01:23.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,means that sometimes I get\N"sired" and "ma'amed"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.78,0:01:26.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the span of less than an hour\Nwhen I'm out doing everyday things
Dialogue: 0,0:01:26.97,0:01:28.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like getting Cheerios.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.15,0:01:30.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But this in between lane\Nis where I'm most comfortable.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:30.74,0:01:32.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This space where I can be\Nboth a sir and a ma'am
Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.02,0:01:35.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,feels the most right\Nand the most authentic.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.34,0:01:38.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it doesn't mean that these\Ninteractions aren't uncomfortable.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.42,0:01:40.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Trust me, the discomfort can range\Nfrom minor annoyance
Dialogue: 0,0:01:41.02,0:01:42.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to feeling physically unsafe.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:42.46,0:01:44.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like the time at a bar in college
Dialogue: 0,0:01:44.08,0:01:46.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when a bouncer physically\Nremoved me by the back of the neck
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.95,0:01:48.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and threw me out of a woman's restroom.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.85,0:01:51.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But for me, authenticity\Ndoesn't mean "comfortable."
Dialogue: 0,0:01:51.63,0:01:54.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It means managing and negotiating\Nthe discomfort of everyday life,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:54.75,0:01:56.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,even at times when it's unsafe.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.09,0:01:59.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it wasn't until\Nmy experience as a trans person
Dialogue: 0,0:01:59.52,0:02:01.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,collided with my new identity as a parent
Dialogue: 0,0:02:01.53,0:02:03.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I understood\Nthe depth of my vulnerabilities
Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.87,0:02:06.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and how they are preventing me\Nfrom being my most authentic self.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:08.20,0:02:10.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, for most people,\Nwhat their child will call them
Dialogue: 0,0:02:10.70,0:02:12.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is not something\Nthat they give much thought to
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.93,0:02:14.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,outside of culturally specific words
Dialogue: 0,0:02:14.70,0:02:18.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or variations on a gendered theme\Nlike "mama," "mommy," or "daddy," "papa."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:18.27,0:02:20.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But for me, the possibility\Nis what this child,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.69,0:02:23.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who will grow to be a teenager\Nand then a real-life adult,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:23.63,0:02:25.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,will call me for the rest of our lives,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:25.51,0:02:28.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was both extremely scary and exciting.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.18,0:02:32.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I spent nine months wrestling\Nwith the reality that being called "mama"
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.74,0:02:35.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or something like it\Ndidn't feel like me at all.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:35.05,0:02:37.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And no matter how many times\Nor versions of "mom" I tried,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.80,0:02:40.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it always felt forced\Nand deeply uncomfortable.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:40.90,0:02:44.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I knew being called "mom" or "mommy"\Nwould be easier to digest for most people.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.64,0:02:46.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The idea of having two moms\Nis not super novel,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.01,0:02:48.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,especially where we live.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.74,0:02:51.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I tried other words.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:51.36,0:02:54.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when I played around\Nwith "daddy," it felt better.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:54.57,0:02:56.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Better, but not perfect.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:57.12,0:02:59.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It felt like a pair of shoes\Nthat you really liked
Dialogue: 0,0:02:59.48,0:03:01.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but you needed to wear and break in.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:01.72,0:03:05.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I knew the idea of being\Na female-born person being called "daddy"
Dialogue: 0,0:03:05.04,0:03:08.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was going to be a harder road\Nwith a lot more uncomfortable moments.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.39,0:03:10.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But, before I knew it, the time had come
Dialogue: 0,0:03:10.60,0:03:13.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and Elliot came screaming\Ninto the world, like most babies do,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.57,0:03:16.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my new identity as a parent began.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.20,0:03:19.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I decided on becoming a daddy,\Nand our new family faced the world.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.54,0:03:23.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now one of the most common things\Nthat happens when people meet us
Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.66,0:03:24.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is for people to "mom" me.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:24.100,0:03:28.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when I get "momed", there are\Nseveral ways the interaction can go,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:28.32,0:03:31.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I've drawn this map\Nto help illustrate my options.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:31.75,0:03:33.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:33.39,0:03:36.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, option one is to ignore the assumption
Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.31,0:03:39.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and allow folks to continue\Nto refer to me as "mom,"
Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.27,0:03:41.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is not awkward for the other party,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:41.25,0:03:43.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but is typically really awkward for us.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.61,0:03:46.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it usually causes me to restrict\Nmy interaction with those people.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:47.33,0:03:48.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Option one.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.70,0:03:51.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Option two is to stop and correct them
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.100,0:03:53.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and say something like,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.20,0:03:56.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Actually, I'm Elliot's dad"\Nor "Elliot calls me 'daddy.'"
Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.34,0:03:59.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when I do this, one or two\Nof the following things happen.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.62,0:04:02.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Folks take it in stride\Nand say something like, "Oh, OK."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.94,0:04:04.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And move on.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:04.24,0:04:06.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or they respond by apologizing profusely
Dialogue: 0,0:04:06.84,0:04:09.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they feel bad or awkward\Nor guilty or weird.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.07,0:04:13.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But more often, what happens\Nis folks get really confused
Dialogue: 0,0:04:13.61,0:04:17.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and look up with an intense look\Nand say something like,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:17.13,0:04:19.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Does this mean you want to transition?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.13,0:04:20.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you want to be a man?"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:20.67,0:04:22.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or say things like,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.42,0:04:23.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"How can she be a father?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:23.93,0:04:25.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Only men can be dads."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.28,0:04:28.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, option one is oftentimes\Nthe easier route.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:28.57,0:04:31.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Option two is always\Nthe more authentic one.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.40,0:04:34.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And all of these scenarios\Ninvolve a level of discomfort,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:34.10,0:04:35.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,even in the best case.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.28,0:04:38.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'll say that over time, my ability\Nto navigate this complicated map
Dialogue: 0,0:04:38.69,0:04:39.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,has gotten easier.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:39.93,0:04:41.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the discomfort is still there.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.88,0:04:43.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, I won't stand here and pretend
Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.58,0:04:45.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like I've mastered this,\Nit's pretty far from it.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:45.99,0:04:48.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there are days when I still allow\Noption one to take place
Dialogue: 0,0:04:48.93,0:04:51.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because option two\Nis just too hard or too risky.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:52.14,0:04:55.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's no way to be sure\Nof anyone's reaction,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:55.45,0:04:58.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I want to be sure\Nthat folks have good intentions,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.20,0:04:59.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that people are good.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:59.54,0:05:02.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But we live in a world\Nwhere someone's opinion of my existence
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.70,0:05:04.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,can be met with serious threats to me
Dialogue: 0,0:05:04.58,0:05:07.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or even my family's emotional\Nor physical safety.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:07.50,0:05:11.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I weigh the costs against the risks
Dialogue: 0,0:05:11.77,0:05:15.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and sometimes the safety of my family\Ncomes before my own authenticity.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:16.93,0:05:18.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But despite this risk,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.14,0:05:22.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know as Elliot gets older and grows into\Nher consciousness and language skills,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.37,0:05:24.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if I don't correct people, she will.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:25.73,0:05:28.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't want my fears and insecurities\Nto be placed on her,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:28.54,0:05:31.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to dampen her spirit\Nor make her question her own voice.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:31.78,0:05:34.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I need to model agency,\Nauthenticity and vulnerability,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:34.59,0:05:38.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that means leaning into those\Nuncomfortable moments of being "momed"
Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.52,0:05:41.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and standing up and saying,\N"No, I'm a dad.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:41.41,0:05:43.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I even have\Nthe dad jokes to prove it."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:43.48,0:05:45.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:46.19,0:05:49.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, there have already been\Nplenty of uncomfortable moments
Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.03,0:05:50.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and even some painful ones.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:50.40,0:05:52.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But there's also been,\Nin just two short years,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:52.62,0:05:55.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,validating and at times transformative\Nmoments on my journey as a dad
Dialogue: 0,0:05:55.89,0:05:57.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my path towards authenticity.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:58.47,0:05:59.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we got our first sonogram,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.100,0:06:02.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we decided we wanted to know\Nthe sex of the baby.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:02.58,0:06:05.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The technician saw a vulva\Nand slapped the words "It's a girl"
Dialogue: 0,0:06:05.99,0:06:08.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on the screen and gave us a copy\Nand sent us on our way.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:09.41,0:06:12.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We shared the photo\Nwith our families like everyone does
Dialogue: 0,0:06:12.08,0:06:15.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and soon after, my mom showed up\Nat our house with a bag filled --
Dialogue: 0,0:06:15.21,0:06:16.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not exaggerating,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:16.54,0:06:21.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was like this high and it was filled,\Noverflowing with pink clothes and toys.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.01,0:06:26.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now I was a little annoyed to be\Nconfronted with a lot of pink things,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:26.36,0:06:27.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and having studied gender
Dialogue: 0,0:06:27.68,0:06:31.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and spent countless hours teaching\Nabout it in workshops and classrooms,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:31.33,0:06:34.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought I was pretty well versed\Non the social construction of gender
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.70,0:06:37.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and how sexism is a devaluing\Nof the feminine
Dialogue: 0,0:06:37.24,0:06:40.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and how it manifests\Nboth explicitly and implicitly.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:40.88,0:06:45.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But this situation, this aversion\Nto a bag full of pink stuff,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:45.33,0:06:48.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,forced me to explore my rejection\Nof highly feminized things
Dialogue: 0,0:06:48.64,0:06:49.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in my child's world.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.47,0:06:53.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I realized that I was reinforcing sexism
Dialogue: 0,0:06:53.69,0:06:56.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the cultural norms\NI teach as problematic.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:56.66,0:06:59.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No matter how much I believed\Nin gender neutrality in theory,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:59.90,0:07:05.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in practice, the absence of femininity\Nis not neutrality, it's masculinity.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:06.30,0:07:09.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If I only dress my baby\Nin greens and blues and grays,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:09.14,0:07:12.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the outside world doesn't think,\N"Oh, that's a cute gender-neutral baby."
Dialogue: 0,0:07:13.38,0:07:15.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They think, "Oh, what a cute boy."
Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.54,0:07:20.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So my theoretical understanding of gender\Nand my parenting world collided hard.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:20.72,0:07:24.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, I want a diversity of colors and toys\Nfor my child to experience.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:24.34,0:07:26.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want a balanced\Nenvironment for her to explore
Dialogue: 0,0:07:26.60,0:07:28.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and make sense of in her own way.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:28.20,0:07:31.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We even picked a gender-neutral name\Nfor our female-born child.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:31.27,0:07:34.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But gender neutrality is much easier\Nas a theoretical endeavor
Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.71,0:07:36.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than it is as a practice.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:36.77,0:07:39.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in my attempts\Nto create gender neutrality,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:39.37,0:07:42.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was inadvertently privileging\Nmasculinity over femininity.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:43.40,0:07:46.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, rather than toning down\Nor eliminating femininity in our lives,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:46.85,0:07:49.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we make a concerted effort\Nto celebrate it.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:49.08,0:07:51.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have pinks among the variety of colors,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:51.78,0:07:53.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we balance out the cutes with handsomes
Dialogue: 0,0:07:53.66,0:07:55.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the prettys with strongs and smarts
Dialogue: 0,0:07:55.56,0:07:58.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and work really hard\Nnot to associate any words with gender.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:58.58,0:08:01.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We value femininity and masculinity
Dialogue: 0,0:08:01.14,0:08:03.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,while also being highly critical of it.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:03.15,0:08:06.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And do our best to not make her feel\Nlimited by gender roles.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:06.88,0:08:08.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we do all this in hopes
Dialogue: 0,0:08:08.33,0:08:11.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we model a healthy and empowered\Nrelationship with gender for our kid.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:13.49,0:08:16.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now this work to develop a healthy\Nrelationship with gender for Elliot
Dialogue: 0,0:08:16.87,0:08:19.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,made me rethink and evaluate\Nhow I allowed sexism to manifest
Dialogue: 0,0:08:19.76,0:08:21.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in my own gender identity.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:21.77,0:08:24.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I began to reevaluate\Nhow I was rejecting femininity
Dialogue: 0,0:08:24.43,0:08:27.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in order to live up to a masculinity\Nthat was not healthy
Dialogue: 0,0:08:27.15,0:08:28.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or something I wanted to pass on.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:29.84,0:08:32.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Doing this self-work\Nmeant I had to reject option one.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:32.82,0:08:34.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I couldn't ignore and move on.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.65,0:08:36.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had to choose option two.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:36.90,0:08:39.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had to engage with some\Nof my most uncomfortable parts
Dialogue: 0,0:08:39.58,0:08:41.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to move towards my most authentic self.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:41.49,0:08:45.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that meant I had to get real\Nabout the discomfort I have with my body.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:46.46,0:08:50.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's pretty common for trans people\Nto feel uncomfortable in their body,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:50.11,0:08:52.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and this discomfort can range\Nfrom debilitating to annoying
Dialogue: 0,0:08:52.90,0:08:54.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and everywhere in between.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:54.25,0:08:57.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And learning my body and how\Nto be comfortable in it as a trans person
Dialogue: 0,0:08:57.57,0:08:59.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,has been a lifelong journey.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:59.26,0:09:01.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've always struggled\Nwith the parts of my body
Dialogue: 0,0:09:01.48,0:09:03.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that can be defined as more feminine --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:03.40,0:09:05.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my chest, my hips, my voice.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:05.100,0:09:08.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I've made the sometimes hard,\Nsometimes easy decision
Dialogue: 0,0:09:08.69,0:09:11.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to not take hormones\Nor have any surgeries to change it
Dialogue: 0,0:09:11.65,0:09:14.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to make myself more masculine\Nby society's standards.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:15.28,0:09:18.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And while I certainly haven't overcome\Nall the feelings of dissatisfaction,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:18.85,0:09:21.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I realized that by not engaging\Nwith that discomfort
Dialogue: 0,0:09:21.32,0:09:24.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and coming to a positive\Nand affirming place with my body,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:24.07,0:09:27.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was reinforcing sexism, transphobia\Nand modeling body shaming.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:28.82,0:09:30.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If I hate my body,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:30.24,0:09:33.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in particular, the parts\Nsociety deems feminine or female,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:33.48,0:09:37.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I potentially damage how my kid\Ncan see the possibilities of her body
Dialogue: 0,0:09:37.12,0:09:39.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and her feminine and female parts.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:39.65,0:09:42.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If I hate or am uncomfortable\Nwith my body,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:42.12,0:09:44.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how can I expect my kid to love hers?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:45.52,0:09:48.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now it would be easier for me\Nto choose option one:
Dialogue: 0,0:09:49.08,0:09:52.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to ignore my kid when she asks me\Nabout my body or to hide it from her.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:52.61,0:09:55.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I have to choose option two every day.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:55.76,0:09:59.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have to confront my own assumptions\Nabout what a dad's body can and should be.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:59.89,0:10:02.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I work every day to try\Nand be more comfortable in this body
Dialogue: 0,0:10:03.02,0:10:04.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in the ways I express femininity.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:05.28,0:10:06.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I talk about it more,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:06.80,0:10:08.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I explore the depths of this discomfort
Dialogue: 0,0:10:08.72,0:10:10.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and find language\Nthat I feel comfortable with.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:10.98,0:10:14.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this daily discomfort helps me build\Nboth agency and authenticity
Dialogue: 0,0:10:14.26,0:10:16.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in how I show up in my body\Nand in my gender.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:16.98,0:10:19.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm working against limiting myself.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:19.15,0:10:21.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to show her\Nthat a dad can have hips,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:21.28,0:10:23.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a dad doesn't have to have\Na perfectly flat chest
Dialogue: 0,0:10:23.66,0:10:25.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or even be able to grow facial hair.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:26.29,0:10:28.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when she's developmentally able to,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:28.17,0:10:30.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to talk to her\Nabout my journey with my body.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:30.65,0:10:32.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want her to see my journey\Ntowards authenticity
Dialogue: 0,0:10:33.01,0:10:35.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,even when it means showing her\Nthe messier parts.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:37.35,0:10:38.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have a wonderful pediatrician
Dialogue: 0,0:10:38.100,0:10:41.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and have established a good relationship\Nwith our kid's doctor.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:41.98,0:10:44.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And as you all know,\Nwhile your doctor stays the same,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:44.54,0:10:47.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,your nurses and nurse practitioners\Nchange in and out.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:47.28,0:10:50.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when Elliot was first born,\Nwe took her to the pediatrician
Dialogue: 0,0:10:50.30,0:10:52.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we met our first nurse --\Nwe'll call her Sarah.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:52.70,0:10:54.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Very early in in our time with Sarah,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:54.73,0:10:56.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we told her how I was\Ngoing to be called "dad"
Dialogue: 0,0:10:56.90,0:10:58.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my partner is "mama."
Dialogue: 0,0:10:58.35,0:11:00.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sarah was one of those folks\Nthat took it in stride,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:00.80,0:11:03.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and our subsequent visits\Nwent pretty smoothly.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:03.03,0:11:05.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And about a year later,\NSarah switched shifts
Dialogue: 0,0:11:05.16,0:11:08.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we started working\Nwith a new nurse -- we'll call her Becky.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:08.21,0:11:10.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We didn't get in front\Nof the dad conversations
Dialogue: 0,0:11:10.45,0:11:13.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it didn't actually come up\Nuntil Sarah, our original nurse,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:13.46,0:11:14.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,walked in to say hi.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:14.71,0:11:17.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sarah's warm and bubbly and said hi\Nto Elliot and me and my wife
Dialogue: 0,0:11:17.74,0:11:19.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when talking to Elliot\Nsaid something like,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:19.97,0:11:21.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Is your daddy holding your toy?"
Dialogue: 0,0:11:21.74,0:11:23.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now out of the corner of my eye,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:23.40,0:11:25.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I could see Becky\Nswing around in her chair
Dialogue: 0,0:11:25.48,0:11:27.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and make daggers at Sarah.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:28.24,0:11:30.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And as the conversation shifted\Nto our pediatrician,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:30.71,0:11:34.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I saw Sarah and Becky's interaction\Ncontinue, and it went something like this.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:34.43,0:11:38.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Becky, shaking her head "no"\Nand mouthing the word "mom."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:38.90,0:11:43.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sarah, shaking her head "no"\Nand mouthing the word "no, dad."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:43.32,0:11:44.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:11:45.66,0:11:46.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Awkward, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:46.83,0:11:49.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So this went back and forth\Nin total silence a few more times
Dialogue: 0,0:11:49.74,0:11:51.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,until we walked away.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:51.62,0:11:53.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, this interaction has stuck with me.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:53.66,0:11:55.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sarah could have chosen option one,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:55.84,0:11:58.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,ignored Becky, and let her\Nrefer to me as mom.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:59.23,0:12:01.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It would have been easier for Sarah.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:01.28,0:12:04.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She could have put the responsibility\Nback on me or not said anything at all.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:04.93,0:12:07.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But in that moment, she chose option two.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:07.82,0:12:10.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She chose to confront the assumptions\Nand affirm my existence.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:11.36,0:12:13.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She insisted that a person\Nwho looks and sounds like me
Dialogue: 0,0:12:14.01,0:12:15.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,can in fact be a dad.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:15.28,0:12:17.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in a small but meaningful way,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:17.10,0:12:20.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,advocated for me,\Nmy authenticity and my family.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:21.96,0:12:26.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Unfortunately, we live in a world\Nthat refuses to acknowledge trans people
Dialogue: 0,0:12:26.46,0:12:29.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the diversity\Nof trans people in general.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:29.76,0:12:32.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And my hope is that when confronted\Nwith an opportunity
Dialogue: 0,0:12:32.45,0:12:34.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to stand up for someone else,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:34.28,0:12:37.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we all take action like Sarah,\Neven when there's risk involved.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:38.61,0:12:42.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So some days, the risk of being\Na genderqueer dad feels too much.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:43.24,0:12:45.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And deciding to be a dad\Nhas been really hard.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:45.88,0:12:48.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm sure it will continue\Nto be the hardest,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:48.15,0:12:50.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,yet the most rewarding\Nexperience of my life.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:50.62,0:12:54.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But despite this challenge,\Nevery day has felt 100 percent worth it.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:54.82,0:12:57.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So each day I affirm my promise to Elliot
Dialogue: 0,0:12:57.58,0:12:59.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that same promise to myself.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:00.04,0:13:02.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To love her and myself hard
Dialogue: 0,0:13:02.48,0:13:04.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with forgiveness and compassion,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:04.54,0:13:06.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with tough love and with generosity.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:07.47,0:13:10.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To give room for growth,\Nto push beyond comfort
Dialogue: 0,0:13:10.58,0:13:13.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in hopes of attaining and living\Na more meaningful life.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:14.31,0:13:15.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know in my head and in my heart
Dialogue: 0,0:13:15.98,0:13:19.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that there are hard and painful\Nand uncomfortable days ahead.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:19.29,0:13:20.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My head and my heart also know
Dialogue: 0,0:13:20.76,0:13:23.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that all of it will lead\Nto a more rich, authentic life
Dialogue: 0,0:13:23.69,0:13:26.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I can look back on without regrets.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:26.27,0:13:27.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:27.44,0:13:30.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)