WEBVTT

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When #MeToo went viral last year,

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it pulled back the curtain
to reveal a problem

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that had really been hiding 
in plain sight.

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We weren't shocked or surprised
to learn that information -

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these were not new statistics.

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What it really exposed was
our lack of action,

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our inadequacy at responding.

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#MeToo collected the stories,
it gave them faces and names,

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and it brought them forward
and it put them in front of us

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and it begged a new question.

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It said, Are we going to do
something about this?

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Which is why, I think,
as a lawyer, educator and trainer,

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the question I've been asked the most
often in the last several months is,

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"So what do we do now?"

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What do we do now?

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Now, in all of my heads, I should be able
to rattle off a whole list of ideas,

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but the first time somebody
posed that question to me,

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I didn't give any great policy insights.

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The first time somebody asked
the question, I gave my gut reaction,

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the first thing that popped
into my head, and I said,

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"I think we need
to keep talking about it."

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And I kind of looked back
on that answer, and I thought,

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"Isn't that a little overly simplistic?"

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Over the last several months, though,
I've had a lot of conversations

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in a variety of contexts,
formal and informal,

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with all kinds of people,

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and I'm sensing that people
are really uncomfortable.

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I keep getting the same comments,
hearing the same kinds of questions.

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People are saying things like,
What about hugs? Are hugs okay?

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Should I open my office door?
Is it bad to have closed-door meetings?

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I get nervous when I give
a coworker a compliment.

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And everybody wants to talk 
about the spectrum.

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Because it's a spectrum, right?

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Some conduct is worse than others.

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It has led me to the conclusion

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that #MeToo has presented us 
an opportunity for a reckoning,

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but we seem really anxious 
to get to some kind of reconciliation.

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Is there some new set of rules 
we can apply here so we can just move on?

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I think we can get 
from reckoning to reconciliation,

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but not until we change this conversation.

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Luckily, as any good TED speaker should,

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I have come equipped with five steps
to changing the conversation.

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(Laughter)

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So, step one, we are going 
to stop training and start talking.

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Yes, I came to advocate that we stop 
doing sexual harassment training.

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And yes, I still feel like the lawyers 
and the HR people in the room

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are a little nervous about that.

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In order to get us all on the same page,

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I decided that we should do just a quick
sexual harassment training in 30 seconds.

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In order to do that, I dusted off 
an old PowerPoint presentation

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that I gave probably 15 years ago
about this topic.

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And here we go.

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Sexual harassment training in 30 seconds.

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There are two types.

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It takes a lot of words 
to explain those two types,

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especially the second type.

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Even the courts 
aren't entirely sure what it is -

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they just know that bullying, 
that's not enough.

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But don't worry,
this is just about what's illegal.

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Your employer can set a much higher bar -

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cue an inappropriate, 
awkwardly acted video

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about a weird back rub in the copy room,

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(Laughter)

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a reminder that you should call HR 
if you have any questions.

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Don't forget supervisors 
can be individually liable -

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don't be creepy and seen.

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(Applause)(Screaming)

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Sexual harassment training 
hasn't changed a lot

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in the last several decades.

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Now you can do it all online 
without ever seeing another person.

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(Laughter)

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There have been some strives to change it,

NOTE Paragraph

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but the problem 
with sexual harassment training

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is that it is rooted in risk prevention.

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Sexual harassment training exists
because the courts said,

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"Hey employers, if you do this thing,
you can avoid liability if it happens."

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Thus, sexual harassment training 
was born of litigation,

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and it has been raised by lawyers.

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Now hopefully, for the sake 
of my three children,

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being raised by lawers 
is not the worst possible unbringing.

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(Laughter)

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Nevertheless, it is time 
for sexual harassment training

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to move on out of the house of compliance

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because conversation is risky.

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We will not get from reckoning
to reconciliation

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unless we are willing 
to cross a path of risk.

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So, step two, we need to take some risks.

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Conversation is risky.

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One of the risks we need to take

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is we need to be willing 
to admit our past mistakes.

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We haven't always engaged
exactly right in this conversation,

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and we've got to be willing to own that.

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In organizations, 
if leaders can step up and say,

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"You know, I used 
to think about this this way,

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but now I think about it differently."

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That opens the door 
for other people to do the same.

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But talking about things 
we've gotten wrong is scary,

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so I'll go first.

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This is me.

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I am the curly-haired one in the back.

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The much younger, much cuter,
much blonder girl is my little sister,

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and this is our horse -
his name is Jim.

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I loved my Montana upbringing, 
and I loved that girl -

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she was strong and independent -

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but there were a lot of things 
that she did not know.

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One of them

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is that if you would've asked me then
or for years afterwards,

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if I was a feminist,

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I would've probably told you "No," right?

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But then I listened and I lived 
and I learned, and my perspective shifted.

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I recognized that there was room 
at the equality table for all of us,

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even those of us 
who could drive a stick shift

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and saddle a horse and slap a pig.

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(Laughter)

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We are all on a journey,

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and we have to be willing 
to own our mistakes.

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The flip side of that, of course,

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is that we have to be open 
to other people's journeys too,

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to letting them make mistakes.

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If every time in this conversation

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we think someone
is getting something wrong,

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our reaction is to gather 
our swarm of little blue birdies

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and come peck them 
to death on the Internet,

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we're not going to invite people
into the conversation;

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we're going to push them away.

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(Applause)

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Step three, we've made some time,
we've decided to take some risks,

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What do we talk about instead?

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We need to be talking about power, 
permission, and interruption.

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When we think about
the news stories that we've seen

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with examples of sexual harassment
and sexual violence,

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the power is easy to spot.

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The people in the news 
are wealthy politicians.

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They're media moguls 
who have control and power,

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not only of their own contexts,

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but of the law and culture 
that the rest of the consume.

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But you don't have to be a media mogul
or a wealthy politician to have power.

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Power can exist in a community -

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it can be simply based on having 
information somebody doesn't have,

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control over someone's pay;

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it can be speaking a language.

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We need to start identifying the power
in our contexts and who holds it,

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and whether we hold some and of what kind.

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Because sexual violence thrives

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when bad intentions
meet power, opportunity,

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and a low risk of accountability.

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We need to identify and talk about power.

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Instead, our conversations 
always seem to go to this place

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of romance gone wrong -

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it's an unhappy accident, 
a mistaken communication.

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I think there's something 
more sinister going on

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in almost all of the stories we hear.

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But even if sometimes 
the issue is miscommunication,

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then why aren't we talking 
about permission?

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We're not talking about permission
in sex education with our kids,

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and we're not talking about it
in training in our workplaces.

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And here in stoic Minnesota,

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I'm not sure we're talking about it
with each other either.

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We need to talk about permission.

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When should we be asking for it?

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How do we ask for it?

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And how do we deny it?

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(Applause)

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We also need to talk about interruption -

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it does not take long to find a bystander

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who didn't know what to do or what to say

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or simply chose not to.

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Why is it so much easier 
when our colleague says,

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"You know, Bob makes me 
feel really uncomfortable,"

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that our go-to response
is always "That's just Bob."

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Why is it so hard to say,
"How so?" "Are you OK?"

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"Is there anything I can do?"

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We need to talk about power,
permission, and interruption.

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And then we need people, step four,
to show up for the conversation.

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I give a lot of talks
about these kinds of things,

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and I often find myself staring out 
at a sea of women's faces.

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I did a little what we call "lawyer math"

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over the last couple 
of presentations I've given

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to just kind of see 
what the statistics were,

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and I counted up that less than 10%


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of the people coming to a talk with #MeToo
or sexual harassment in the title

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were men.

NOTE Paragraph

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Yet at the same time, 
I kept getting this question,

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usually from women at the talks:

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"What about all the really 
good men in my office?

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I work with some really good men, 
and they want to do something.

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They feel awkward.
How can I help them?"

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My answer is pretty simple:

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participate.

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Men, we need you to show up 
for this conversation.

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You know what? Scratch that.

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You need you to show up 
for this conversation.

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Three percent of men will experience
a rape or attempted rape -

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that's just the ones who are reported.

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Many of us in this room 
may never experience sexual violence;

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most of us will never 
commit sexual violence.

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But it is going to impact all of us.

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It's impacting us all right now and every
conversation we have in the workplace.

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So, my challenge, my hope,
is that when men are talking

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about whether they should open the door 
of their offices to be safe,

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go ahead and open the door.

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But can you also open your eyes
and hearts and minds

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to the stories that #MeToo is telling us 
and the reality of those stories?

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Step five: we have got 
to retire this spectrum.

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Because we're talking
about this all the time,

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on one hand, here's the stuff
that's not a big deal,

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you should probably get over it;

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down here is the stuff 
that's really horrifying -

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it's pretty awful.

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We're actually not going to talk
about the horrifying stuff

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pretty much ever;

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we're going to really focus 
on this get-over-it side,

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especially at work and in our training.

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We may not even be
on the get-over-it side,

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because when we're talking 
about hugs and compliments,

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I don't even think 
they're on the spectrum.

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I love hugs and compliments.
They're great.

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The problem with hugs and compliments
is only when they're misused,

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when they're used to demean 
instead of to lift up.

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But we spend so much time 
on that end of the spectrum

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that we don't have time
to dig into what's really going on,

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and we don't want to believe
in the horrifying end, anyway.

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We want to peel everything out of that
and categorize it over here.

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So, here's the thing.
It's not a spectrum.

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It's a system.

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And until we start getting comfortable
with the idea that it might be messy

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to talk about its interconnectivity,
about its intricacies,

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then we will not dismantle it,

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and we need to dismantle the system.

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In education, we have a concept 
we talk about sometimes,

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called "the compelling why."

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The idea is that if we know 
why we're doing something,

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we'll be better at it,
we'll learn it better,

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we'll understand it more.

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We need to change 
why we're having this conversation.

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We can't be having it 
to avoid getting sued;

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we've got to have a better reason.

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And trying to come up with better reasons,

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we've come up with things like,
"It's better for a bottom line.

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There's a business case for it -

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if we really make the workplace
safer and better,

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we'll have a better workforce,
we'll produce more work."

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And that's a better reason,

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but I still don't think it's "the" reason.

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I want to tell you my reason for talking
about sexual assault and harassment -

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my compelling why.

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I have a #MeToo story to tell you.

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My #MeToo story doesn't belong to me.

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This is Suzie.

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I met Suzie when I fell in love 
with her big brother,

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and we became family 
when I married him.

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By the time I'd joined the Hanson family,

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Suzie had already been sexually assaulted.

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I never really talked to her 
about it very much;

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I didn't know a lot about what happened.

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What I did know will sound 
very familiar to you:

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she was sexually assaulted 
at work, at her part-time job,

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by someone with authority.

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There were people who could 
intervene and interrupt - who didn't.

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Mostly, everyone wanted her
to get over it and move on.

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There was a lawsuit, and she couldn't 
really talk about it, anyway.

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So, we never really talked about it.

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I did notice that Suzie was trying
really hard to do all of those things,

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to get over it and move on,

00:14:03.081 --> 00:14:04.641
but even in her happiest time,

00:14:04.641 --> 00:14:10.101
she would carry with her a cloud 
of shame and fear and anger.

00:14:10.361 --> 00:14:13.291
I would learn later 
that what was in that cloud

00:14:13.291 --> 00:14:16.691
were the symptoms 
of post-traumatic stress disorder.

00:14:18.271 --> 00:14:24.151
Suzie and I would have one conversation
that I recall so clearly about it.

00:14:25.551 --> 00:14:28.491
I knew she was in therapy, finally,

00:14:28.491 --> 00:14:32.071
it was the summer of 2000, 
and I asked her, "How's it going?"

00:14:32.071 --> 00:14:37.101
And she said, "It's going pretty well."
She said, "It's kind of hard, though."

00:14:37.101 --> 00:14:38.471
And I said, "Why?"

00:14:38.471 --> 00:14:39.789
And she said,

00:14:39.789 --> 00:14:44.581
"My therapist wants me to tell 
the whole story of what happened to me.

00:14:44.581 --> 00:14:48.261
I've never told the whole story."

00:14:48.791 --> 00:14:50.381
I got kind of scared and nervous.

00:14:50.381 --> 00:14:52.781
I wasn't sure I wanted
to hear the whole story -

00:14:52.781 --> 00:14:55.251
we don't want to hear 
the horrifying things.

00:14:55.251 --> 00:14:56.851
And I said, "Why not?"

00:14:56.851 --> 00:15:00.461
And she said, "I'm just so scared."

00:15:00.851 --> 00:15:03.950
I would never hear Suzie's story.

00:15:04.101 --> 00:15:06.821
I would never talk to her about it.

00:15:07.181 --> 00:15:12.211
She would reveal more horrifying details
to her therapist and to her parents,

00:15:12.731 --> 00:15:15.231
and then she would die by suicide.

00:15:15.421 --> 00:15:19.351
We would lose her 
to her post-traumatic stress disorder.

00:15:21.041 --> 00:15:23.971
We would never talk about it.

00:15:26.901 --> 00:15:30.051
Suzie's death was 
a defining moment in my life,

00:15:30.051 --> 00:15:31.711
not just for my own grief

00:15:31.711 --> 00:15:34.251
but also because it gave me 
the front-row seat

00:15:34.251 --> 00:15:38.591
for the devastation of some of the people
I loved the most in the world.

00:15:38.591 --> 00:15:43.941
What I've learned as the years have past
is that that one act of violence,

00:15:43.941 --> 00:15:48.071
it spread the consequences 
over so many people.

00:15:48.071 --> 00:15:52.071
This is not just about perpetrators
and victims of sexual violence;

00:15:52.071 --> 00:15:54.671
it is about all of us.

00:15:54.671 --> 00:15:56.501
The impacts were huge.

00:15:56.501 --> 00:15:58.681
There were even consequences 
for my children,

00:15:58.681 --> 00:16:00.931
and they weren't even born yet.

00:16:03.711 --> 00:16:05.248
It's been 18 years,

00:16:05.248 --> 00:16:11.371
and our lives are full
of laughter and life and fun,

00:16:12.071 --> 00:16:14.951
but I have heard her voice
and seen her story

00:16:14.951 --> 00:16:19.451
in the voices of clients
and students and #MeToo,

00:16:20.691 --> 00:16:24.771
and I've often wondered
why the cycle never changes.

00:16:24.771 --> 00:16:28.771
It's been kind of depressing 
that I see the same thing,

00:16:28.771 --> 00:16:33.721
the same circle of shame 
and silence, again and again.

00:16:34.701 --> 00:16:38.011
And then, last year,

00:16:38.621 --> 00:16:40.881
I got kind of optimistic.

00:16:41.191 --> 00:16:44.001
It seems sort of strange to think

00:16:44.001 --> 00:16:47.451
that #MeToo might have made 
anyone optimistic,

00:16:48.711 --> 00:16:49.991
but it did.

00:16:49.991 --> 00:16:53.431
And I realized that the reason 
that was making me optimistic

00:16:53.431 --> 00:16:57.111
is because when the movement 
gathered these stories together

00:16:57.111 --> 00:16:59.601
and it set them out there in front of us

00:16:59.601 --> 00:17:02.681
and it said, "Are you going 
to do anything about this?"

00:17:03.031 --> 00:17:04.931
we said, "Yes!"

00:17:04.931 --> 00:17:06.651
We said, "Time's up!"

00:17:06.651 --> 00:17:08.681
We said, "Enough is enough."

00:17:08.681 --> 00:17:12.627
We started asking people like me,
"What do we do now?"

00:17:12.627 --> 00:17:14.407
And the energy of people I talked to,

00:17:14.407 --> 00:17:16.787
even though they know 
they're not getting it right

00:17:16.787 --> 00:17:18.567
and even though they know it's messy,

00:17:18.567 --> 00:17:22.567
the energy of the people I talk to is
"Let's do something about this;

00:17:22.567 --> 00:17:25.277
it is impacting all of us."

00:17:26.225 --> 00:17:29.807
So, my charge to you is,
"Yeah, let's keep going."

00:17:29.807 --> 00:17:32.027
Let's change this conversation:

00:17:32.027 --> 00:17:36.627
Show up. Listen up. Step up.

00:17:36.627 --> 00:17:40.277
And do what my gut said 
that we should be doing all along:

00:17:40.607 --> 00:17:43.697
let's keep talking about it.

00:17:44.567 --> 00:17:45.607
Thank you.

00:17:45.607 --> 00:17:48.467
(Applause)