0:00:01.458,0:00:05.934 So I'd like to start, if I may,[br]by asking you some questions. 0:00:05.958,0:00:09.684 If you've ever lost someone[br]you truly love, 0:00:09.708,0:00:11.684 ever had your heart broken, 0:00:11.708,0:00:15.184 ever struggled through[br]an acrimonious divorce, 0:00:15.208,0:00:18.059 or been the victim of infidelity, 0:00:18.083,0:00:19.893 please stand up. 0:00:19.917,0:00:23.851 If standing up isn't accessible to you,[br]you can put your hand up. 0:00:23.875,0:00:25.768 Please, stay standing, 0:00:25.792,0:00:28.143 and keep your hand up there. 0:00:28.167,0:00:30.434 If you've ever lived[br]through a natural disaster, 0:00:30.458,0:00:32.476 been bullied or been made redundant, 0:00:32.500,0:00:33.851 stand on up. 0:00:33.875,0:00:37.101 If you've ever had a miscarriage, 0:00:37.125,0:00:38.934 if you've ever had an abortion 0:00:38.958,0:00:41.893 or struggled through infertility, 0:00:41.917,0:00:43.518 please stand up. 0:00:43.542,0:00:46.934 Finally, if you, or anyone you love, 0:00:46.958,0:00:50.643 has had to cope[br]with mental illness, dementia, 0:00:50.667,0:00:53.143 some form of physical impairment, 0:00:53.167,0:00:54.643 or cope with suicide, 0:00:54.667,0:00:57.101 please stand up. 0:00:57.125,0:00:58.976 Look around you. 0:00:59.000,0:01:04.268 Adversity doesn't discriminate. 0:01:04.292,0:01:06.184 If you are alive, 0:01:06.208,0:01:10.059 you are going to have to,[br]or you've already had to, 0:01:10.083,0:01:12.684 deal with some tough times. 0:01:12.708,0:01:14.917 Thank you, everyone, take a seat. 0:01:18.708,0:01:22.559 I started studying[br]resilience research a decade ago, 0:01:22.583,0:01:25.934 at the University[br]of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia. 0:01:25.958,0:01:28.309 It was an amazing time to be there, 0:01:28.333,0:01:30.726 because the professors who trained me 0:01:30.750,0:01:37.143 had just picked up the contract[br]to train all 1.1 million American soldiers 0:01:37.167,0:01:41.768 to be as mentally fit[br]as they always have been physically fit. 0:01:41.792,0:01:43.059 As you can imagine, 0:01:43.083,0:01:47.184 you don't get a much more skeptical[br]discerning audience 0:01:47.208,0:01:51.059 than the American drill sergeants[br]returning from Afganistan. 0:01:51.083,0:01:52.351 So for someone like me, 0:01:52.375,0:01:55.893 whose main quest in life[br]is trying to work out 0:01:55.917,0:02:00.768 how we take the best[br]of scientific findings out of academia 0:02:00.792,0:02:03.559 and bring them to people[br]in their everyday lives, 0:02:03.583,0:02:07.184 it was a pretty inspiring place to be. 0:02:07.208,0:02:09.393 I finished my studies in America, 0:02:09.417,0:02:12.018 and I returned home here to Christchurch 0:02:12.042,0:02:15.351 to start my doctoral research. 0:02:15.375,0:02:17.726 I'd just begun that study 0:02:17.750,0:02:20.726 when the Christchurch earthquakes hit. 0:02:20.750,0:02:22.726 So I put my research on hold, 0:02:22.750,0:02:26.434 and I started working[br]with my home community 0:02:26.458,0:02:31.059 to help them through that terrible[br]post-quake period. 0:02:31.083,0:02:33.059 I worked with all sorts of organizations 0:02:33.083,0:02:36.518 from government departments[br]to building companies, 0:02:36.542,0:02:38.351 and all sorts of community groups, 0:02:38.375,0:02:41.601 teaching them the ways[br]of thinking and acting 0:02:41.625,0:02:44.684 that we know boost resilience. 0:02:44.708,0:02:47.643 I thought that was my calling. 0:02:47.667,0:02:53.101 My moment to put all[br]of that research to good use. 0:02:53.125,0:02:55.934 But sadly, I was wrong. 0:02:55.958,0:03:00.934 For my own true test came in 2014 0:03:00.958,0:03:03.351 on Queen's Birthday weekend. 0:03:03.375,0:03:06.143 We and two other families had decided 0:03:06.167,0:03:10.059 to go down to Lake Ohau[br]and bike the outs to ocean. 0:03:10.083,0:03:12.101 At the last minute, 0:03:12.125,0:03:15.184 my beautiful 12-year-old daughter Abi 0:03:15.208,0:03:20.101 decided to hop in the car[br]with her best friend, Ella, also 12, 0:03:20.125,0:03:23.625 and Ella's mom, Sally,[br]a dear, dear friend of mine. 0:03:25.000,0:03:27.893 On the way down,[br]as they traveled through Rakaia 0:03:27.917,0:03:29.601 on Thompsons Track, 0:03:29.625,0:03:33.184 a car sped through a stop sign, 0:03:33.208,0:03:34.893 crashing into them 0:03:34.917,0:03:37.583 and killing all three of them instantly. 0:03:39.292,0:03:41.518 In the blink of an eye, 0:03:41.542,0:03:45.226 I find myself flung[br]to the other side of the equation, 0:03:45.250,0:03:48.309 waking up with a whole new identity. 0:03:48.333,0:03:50.601 Instead of being the resilience expert, 0:03:50.625,0:03:53.684 suddenly, I'm the grieving mother. 0:03:53.708,0:03:56.184 Waking up not knowing who I am, 0:03:56.208,0:03:59.518 trying to wrap my head[br]around unthinkable news, 0:03:59.542,0:04:02.559 my world smashed to smithereens. 0:04:02.583,0:04:07.434 Suddenly, I'm the one on the end[br]of all this expert advice. 0:04:07.458,0:04:08.768 And I can tell you, 0:04:08.792,0:04:12.268 I didn't like what I heard one little bit. 0:04:12.292,0:04:14.518 In the days after Abi died, 0:04:14.542,0:04:20.351 we were told we were now[br]prime candidates for family estrangement. 0:04:20.375,0:04:22.643 That we were likely to get divorced 0:04:22.667,0:04:25.559 and we were at high risk[br]of mental illness. 0:04:25.583,0:04:27.059 "Wow," I remember thinking, 0:04:27.083,0:04:30.143 "Thanks for that, I though[br]my life was already pretty shit." 0:04:30.167,0:04:31.893 (Laughter) 0:04:31.917,0:04:35.018 Leaflets described[br]the five stages of grief: 0:04:35.042,0:04:38.309 anger, bargaining, denial,[br]depression, acceptance. 0:04:38.333,0:04:40.684 Victim support arrived at our door 0:04:40.708,0:04:46.375 and told us that we could expect[br]to write off the next five years to grief. 0:04:47.292,0:04:51.309 I know the leaflets[br]and the resources meant well. 0:04:51.333,0:04:52.934 But in all of that advice, 0:04:52.958,0:04:56.559 they left us feeling like victims. 0:04:56.583,0:04:59.143 Totally overwhelmed by the journey ahead, 0:04:59.167,0:05:04.601 and powerless to exert any influence[br]over our grieving whatsoever. 0:05:04.625,0:05:08.768 I didn't need to be told[br]how bad things were. 0:05:08.792,0:05:12.768 Believe me, I already knew[br]things were truly terrible. 0:05:12.792,0:05:15.875 What I needed most was hope. 0:05:16.708,0:05:21.309 I needed a journey[br]through all that anguish, 0:05:21.333,0:05:24.101 pain and longing. 0:05:24.125,0:05:25.393 Most of all, 0:05:25.417,0:05:31.143 I wanted to be an active participant[br]in my grief process. 0:05:31.167,0:05:34.351 So I decided to turn my back[br]on their advice 0:05:34.375,0:05:38.768 and decided instead to conduct[br]something of a self-experiment. 0:05:38.792,0:05:40.893 I'd done the research, I had the tools, 0:05:40.917,0:05:44.059 I wanted to know how useful[br]they would be to me now 0:05:44.083,0:05:48.059 in the face of such an enormous[br]mountain to climb. 0:05:48.083,0:05:50.601 Now, I have to confess at this point, 0:05:50.625,0:05:54.143 I didn't really know[br]that any of this was going to work. 0:05:54.167,0:05:56.601 Parental bereavement[br]is widely acknowledged 0:05:56.625,0:06:00.000 as the hardest of losses to bear. 0:06:01.500,0:06:04.893 But I can tell you now, five years on, 0:06:04.917,0:06:07.518 what I already knew from the research. 0:06:07.542,0:06:11.018 That you can rise up from adversity, 0:06:11.042,0:06:13.518 that there are strategies that work, 0:06:13.542,0:06:15.934 that it is utterly possible 0:06:15.958,0:06:21.059 to make yourself think[br]and act in certain ways 0:06:21.083,0:06:25.976 that help you navigate tough times. 0:06:26.000,0:06:30.434 There is a monumental body of research[br]on how to do this stuff. 0:06:30.458,0:06:33.893 Today, I'm just going to share[br]with you three strategies. 0:06:33.917,0:06:37.768 These are my go-to strategies[br]that I relied upon 0:06:37.792,0:06:40.393 and saved me in my darkest days. 0:06:40.417,0:06:44.226 They're three strategies[br]that underpin all of my work, 0:06:44.250,0:06:47.226 and they're pretty readily[br]available to us all, 0:06:47.250,0:06:48.601 anyone can learn them, 0:06:48.625,0:06:51.000 you can learn them right here today. 0:06:52.083,0:06:53.559 So number one, 0:06:53.583,0:06:58.143 resilient people get that shit happens. 0:06:58.167,0:07:01.934 They know that suffering is part of life. 0:07:01.958,0:07:04.143 This doesn't mean[br]they actually welcome it in, 0:07:04.167,0:07:06.018 they're not actually delusional. 0:07:06.042,0:07:09.184 Just that when the tough times come, 0:07:09.208,0:07:10.934 they seem to know 0:07:10.958,0:07:15.893 that suffering is part[br]of every human existence. 0:07:15.917,0:07:20.434 And knowing this stops you[br]from feeling discriminated against 0:07:20.458,0:07:22.559 when the tough times come. 0:07:22.583,0:07:24.809 Never once did I find myself thinking, 0:07:24.833,0:07:26.518 "Why me?" 0:07:26.542,0:07:28.309 In fact, I remember thinking, 0:07:28.333,0:07:30.268 "Why not me? 0:07:30.292,0:07:31.809 Terrible things happen to you, 0:07:31.833,0:07:33.934 just like they do everybody else. 0:07:33.958,0:07:35.393 That's your life now, 0:07:35.417,0:07:37.809 time to sink or swim." 0:07:37.833,0:07:39.518 The real tragedy 0:07:39.542,0:07:43.226 is that not enough of us[br]seem to know this any longer. 0:07:43.250,0:07:44.518 We seem to live in an age 0:07:44.542,0:07:46.684 where we're entitled to a perfect life, 0:07:46.708,0:07:50.393 where shiny, happy photos[br]on Instagram are the norm, 0:07:50.417,0:07:52.101 when actually, 0:07:52.125,0:07:56.434 as you all demonstrated[br]at the start of my talk, 0:07:56.458,0:07:59.250 the very opposite is true. 0:08:00.417,0:08:02.268 Number two, 0:08:02.292,0:08:03.875 resilient people 0:08:05.458,0:08:11.792 are really good at choosing carefully[br]where they select their attention. 0:08:12.667,0:08:16.559 They have a habit of realistically[br]appraising situations, 0:08:16.583,0:08:21.434 and typically, managing to focus[br]on the things that they can change, 0:08:21.458,0:08:26.851 and somehow accept[br]the things that they can't. 0:08:26.875,0:08:32.875 This is a vital, learnable[br]skill for resilience. 0:08:34.042,0:08:37.393 As humans, we are really good 0:08:37.417,0:08:41.018 at noticing threats and weaknesses. 0:08:41.042,0:08:44.976 We are hardwired for that negative. 0:08:45.000,0:08:48.143 We're really, really good[br]at noticing them. 0:08:48.167,0:08:53.101 Negative emotions stick to us like Velcro, 0:08:53.125,0:08:58.434 whereas positive emotions and experiences[br]seems to bounce off like Teflon. 0:08:58.458,0:09:01.893 Being wired in this way[br]is actually really good for us, 0:09:01.917,0:09:05.518 and served us well[br]from an evolutionary perspective. 0:09:05.542,0:09:07.726 So imagine for a moment I'm a cavewoman, 0:09:07.750,0:09:10.101 and I'm coming out[br]of my cave in the morning, 0:09:10.125,0:09:12.268 and there's a saber-toothed[br]tiger on one side 0:09:12.292,0:09:14.643 and a beautiful rainbow on the other. 0:09:14.667,0:09:19.851 It kind of pays for my survival[br]for me to notice this tiger. 0:09:19.875,0:09:21.143 The problem is, 0:09:21.167,0:09:25.351 we now live in an era[br]where we are constantly bombarded 0:09:25.375,0:09:27.643 by threats all day long, 0:09:27.667,0:09:32.684 and our poor brains treat[br]every single one of those threats 0:09:32.708,0:09:35.518 as though they were a tiger. 0:09:35.542,0:09:39.018 Our threat focus, our stress response, 0:09:39.042,0:09:42.809 is permanently dialed up. 0:09:42.833,0:09:46.226 Resilient people[br]don't diminish the negative, 0:09:46.250,0:09:49.101 but they also have worked out a way 0:09:49.125,0:09:52.208 of tuning into the good. 0:09:53.750,0:09:57.559 One day, when doubts[br]were threatening to overwhelm me, 0:09:57.583,0:09:59.393 I distinctly remember thinking, 0:09:59.417,0:10:04.559 "No, you do not get[br]to get swallowed up by this. 0:10:04.583,0:10:06.351 You have to survive. 0:10:06.375,0:10:09.018 You've got so much to live for. 0:10:09.042,0:10:12.101 Choose life, not death. 0:10:12.125,0:10:14.684 Don't lose what you have 0:10:14.708,0:10:17.143 to what you have lost." 0:10:17.167,0:10:19.601 In psychology,[br]we call this benefit finding. 0:10:19.625,0:10:21.351 In my brave new world, 0:10:21.375,0:10:25.059 it involved trying to find things[br]to be grateful for. 0:10:25.083,0:10:26.809 At least our wee girl 0:10:26.833,0:10:31.101 hadn't died of some terrible,[br]long, drawn-out illness. 0:10:31.125,0:10:33.309 She died suddenly, instantly, 0:10:33.333,0:10:37.059 sparing us and her that pain. 0:10:37.083,0:10:40.601 We had a huge amount of social support[br]from family and friends 0:10:40.625,0:10:42.393 to help us through. 0:10:42.417,0:10:43.851 And most of all, 0:10:43.875,0:10:47.268 we still had two beautiful[br]boys to live for, 0:10:47.292,0:10:48.976 who needed us now, 0:10:49.000,0:10:54.875 and deserved to have as normal a life[br]as we could possibly give them. 0:10:56.333,0:10:59.143 Being able to switch the focus[br]of your attention 0:10:59.167,0:11:01.101 to also include the good 0:11:01.125,0:11:05.059 has been shown by science[br]to be a really powerful strategy. 0:11:05.083,0:11:09.893 So in 2005, Martin Seligman and colleagues[br]conducted an experiment. 0:11:09.917,0:11:14.518 And they asked people,[br]all they asked people to do, 0:11:14.542,0:11:19.143 was think of three good things[br]that had happened to them each day. 0:11:19.167,0:11:22.768 What they found, over the six months[br]course of this study, 0:11:22.792,0:11:26.309 was that those people[br]showed higher levels of gratitude, 0:11:26.333,0:11:27.976 higher levels of happiness 0:11:28.000,0:11:33.309 and less depression[br]over the course of the six-month study. 0:11:33.333,0:11:34.857 When you're going through grief, 0:11:34.881,0:11:37.351 you might need a reminder, 0:11:37.375,0:11:40.476 or you might need permission[br]to feel grateful. 0:11:40.500,0:11:43.268 In our kitchen, we've got[br]a bright pink neon poster 0:11:43.292,0:11:46.726 that reminds us to "accept" the good. 0:11:46.750,0:11:48.518 In the American army, 0:11:48.542,0:11:50.601 they framed it a little bit differently. 0:11:50.625,0:11:54.809 They talked to the army[br]about hunting the good stuff. 0:11:54.833,0:11:56.726 Find the language that works for you, 0:11:56.750,0:11:58.059 but whatever you do, 0:11:58.083,0:12:02.393 make an intentional,[br]deliberate, ongoing effort 0:12:02.417,0:12:05.333 to tune into what's good in your world. 0:12:06.292,0:12:07.559 Number three, 0:12:07.583,0:12:09.518 resilient people ask themselves, 0:12:09.542,0:12:13.434 "Is what I'm doing helping or harming me?" 0:12:13.458,0:12:17.351 This is a question that's used[br]a lot in good therapy. 0:12:17.375,0:12:19.809 And boy, is it powerful. 0:12:19.833,0:12:22.809 This was my go-to question 0:12:22.833,0:12:25.226 in the days after the girls died. 0:12:25.250,0:12:28.976 I would ask it again and again. 0:12:29.000,0:12:32.018 "Should I go to the trial[br]and see the driver? 0:12:32.042,0:12:34.768 Would that help me or would it harm me?" 0:12:34.792,0:12:36.684 Well, that was a no-brainer for me, 0:12:36.708,0:12:38.559 I chose to stay away. 0:12:38.583,0:12:41.309 But Trevor, my husband,[br]decided to meet with the driver 0:12:41.333,0:12:43.101 at a later time. 0:12:43.125,0:12:48.476 Late at night, I'd find myself sometimes[br]poring over old photos of Abi, 0:12:48.500,0:12:50.476 getting more and more upset. 0:12:50.500,0:12:51.768 I'd ask myself, 0:12:51.792,0:12:55.476 "Really? Is this helping you[br]or is it harming you? 0:12:55.500,0:12:57.143 Put away the photos, 0:12:57.167,0:12:58.768 go to bed for the night, 0:12:58.792,0:13:00.792 be kind to yourself." 0:13:01.833,0:13:05.643 This question can be applied[br]to so many different contexts. 0:13:05.667,0:13:09.684 Is the way I'm thinking and acting[br]helping or harming you, 0:13:09.708,0:13:12.809 in your bid to get that promotion, 0:13:12.833,0:13:14.434 to pass that exam, 0:13:14.458,0:13:17.018 to recover from a heart attack? 0:13:17.042,0:13:19.601 So many different ways. 0:13:19.625,0:13:21.351 I write a lot about resilience, 0:13:21.375,0:13:24.184 and over the years, this one strategy 0:13:24.208,0:13:27.768 has prompted more positive[br]feedback than any other. 0:13:27.792,0:13:30.143 I get scores of letters[br]and emails and things 0:13:30.167,0:13:32.143 from all over the place of people saying 0:13:32.167,0:13:35.101 what a huge impact[br]it's had on their lives. 0:13:35.125,0:13:40.434 Whether it is forgiving family[br]ancient transgressions, arguments 0:13:40.458,0:13:42.393 from Christmases past, 0:13:42.417,0:13:45.809 or whether it is just[br]trolling through social media, 0:13:45.833,0:13:48.184 whether it is asking yourself 0:13:48.208,0:13:51.542 whether you really need[br]that extra glass of wine. 0:13:52.875,0:13:56.934 Asking yourself whether what you're doing,[br]the way you're thinking, 0:13:56.958,0:13:58.226 the way you're acting 0:13:58.250,0:14:01.184 is helping or harming you, 0:14:01.208,0:14:04.101 puts you back in the driver's seat. 0:14:04.125,0:14:09.000 It gives you some control[br]over your decision-making. 0:14:10.792,0:14:12.643 Three strategies. 0:14:12.667,0:14:13.917 Pretty simple. 0:14:14.875,0:14:17.476 They're readily available to us all, 0:14:17.500,0:14:20.351 anytime, anywhere. 0:14:20.375,0:14:23.643 They don't require rocket science. 0:14:23.667,0:14:27.059 Resilience isn't some fixed trait. 0:14:27.083,0:14:28.351 It's not elusive, 0:14:28.375,0:14:31.292 that some people have[br]and some people don't. 0:14:32.125,0:14:37.226 It actually requires[br]very ordinary processes. 0:14:37.250,0:14:40.518 Just the willingness to give them a go. 0:14:40.542,0:14:43.184 I think we all have moments in life 0:14:43.208,0:14:45.101 where our life path splits 0:14:45.125,0:14:47.476 and the journey we thought[br]we were going down 0:14:47.500,0:14:51.809 veers off to some terrible direction 0:14:51.833,0:14:54.018 that we never anticipated, 0:14:54.042,0:14:56.684 and we certainly didn't want. 0:14:56.708,0:14:57.958 It happened to me. 0:14:58.875,0:15:01.809 It was awful beyond imagining. 0:15:01.833,0:15:06.934 If you ever find yourselves[br]in a situation where you think 0:15:06.958,0:15:10.184 "There's no way[br]I'm coming back from this," 0:15:10.208,0:15:13.434 I urge you to lean into these strategies 0:15:13.458,0:15:15.458 and think again. 0:15:16.958,0:15:19.101 I won't pretend 0:15:19.125,0:15:21.625 that thinking this way is easy. 0:15:22.458,0:15:25.601 And it doesn't remove all the pain. 0:15:25.625,0:15:30.351 But if I've learned anything[br]over the last five years, 0:15:30.375,0:15:34.101 it is that thinking this way[br]really does help. 0:15:34.125,0:15:35.726 More than anything, 0:15:35.750,0:15:39.726 it has shown me that it is possible 0:15:39.750,0:15:43.893 to live and grieve at the same time. 0:15:43.917,0:15:48.059 And for that, I would be always grateful. 0:15:48.083,0:15:49.351 Thank you. 0:15:49.375,0:15:52.417 (Applause)