1 00:00:00,873 --> 00:00:03,135 I'm going to start by telling you about an email 2 00:00:03,159 --> 00:00:04,968 that I saw in my inbox recently. 3 00:00:05,342 --> 00:00:08,167 Now, I have a pretty unusual inbox 4 00:00:08,191 --> 00:00:09,627 because I'm a therapist 5 00:00:09,651 --> 00:00:13,095 and I write an advice column called "Dear Therapist," 6 00:00:13,119 --> 00:00:15,563 so you can imagine what's in there. 7 00:00:15,587 --> 00:00:19,818 I mean, I've read thousands of very personal letters 8 00:00:19,842 --> 00:00:22,108 from strangers all over the world. 9 00:00:22,555 --> 00:00:24,848 And these letters range from heartbreak and loss, 10 00:00:24,872 --> 00:00:27,222 to spats with parents or siblings. 11 00:00:27,246 --> 00:00:29,647 I keep them in a folder on my laptop, 12 00:00:29,671 --> 00:00:32,404 and I've named it "The Problems of Living." 13 00:00:32,428 --> 00:00:35,833 So, I get this email, I get lots of emails just like this, 14 00:00:35,857 --> 00:00:38,215 and I want to bring you into my world for a second 15 00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:40,468 and read you one of these letters. 16 00:00:40,492 --> 00:00:42,026 And here's how it goes. 17 00:00:46,698 --> 00:00:48,475 "Dear Therapist, 18 00:00:48,499 --> 00:00:49,936 I've been married for 10 years 19 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:52,642 and things were good until a couple of years ago. 20 00:00:52,666 --> 00:00:55,437 That's when my husband stopped wanting to have sex as much, 21 00:00:55,461 --> 00:00:57,310 and now we barely have sex at all." 22 00:00:57,334 --> 00:00:59,349 I'm sure you guys were not expecting this. 23 00:00:59,373 --> 00:01:00,374 (Laughter) 24 00:01:00,398 --> 00:01:03,637 "Well, last night I discovered that for the past few months, 25 00:01:03,661 --> 00:01:06,202 he's been secretly having long, late-night phone calls 26 00:01:06,226 --> 00:01:07,992 with a woman at his office. 27 00:01:08,016 --> 00:01:10,472 I googled her, and she's gorgeous. 28 00:01:10,496 --> 00:01:12,290 I can't believe this is happening. 29 00:01:12,314 --> 00:01:14,988 My father had an affair with a coworker when I was young 30 00:01:15,012 --> 00:01:17,115 and it broke our family apart. 31 00:01:17,139 --> 00:01:19,504 Needless to say, I'm devastated. 32 00:01:19,528 --> 00:01:20,865 If I stay in this marriage, 33 00:01:20,889 --> 00:01:23,000 I'll never be able to trust my husband again. 34 00:01:23,024 --> 00:01:25,413 But I don't want to put our kids through a divorce, 35 00:01:25,437 --> 00:01:27,278 stepmom situation, etc. 36 00:01:27,302 --> 00:01:28,502 What should I do?" 37 00:01:30,743 --> 00:01:33,901 Well, what do you think she should do? 38 00:01:34,727 --> 00:01:35,965 If you got this letter, 39 00:01:35,989 --> 00:01:39,457 you might be thinking about how painful infidelity is. 40 00:01:39,802 --> 00:01:42,937 Or maybe about how especially painful it is here 41 00:01:42,961 --> 00:01:45,627 because of her experience growing up with her father. 42 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:48,902 And like me, you'd probably have some empathy for this woman, 43 00:01:48,926 --> 00:01:50,338 and you might even have some, 44 00:01:50,362 --> 00:01:51,806 how should I put this nicely, 45 00:01:51,830 --> 00:01:55,084 let's just call them "not-so-positive" feelings for her husband. 46 00:01:55,108 --> 00:01:58,064 Now, those are the kinds of things that go through my mind too, 47 00:01:58,088 --> 00:02:00,096 when I'm reading these letters in my inbox. 48 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:03,199 But I have to be really careful when I respond to these letters 49 00:02:03,223 --> 00:02:07,198 because I know that every letter I get is actually just a story 50 00:02:07,222 --> 00:02:09,150 written by a specific author. 51 00:02:09,174 --> 00:02:12,222 And that another version of this story also exists. 52 00:02:12,246 --> 00:02:13,666 It always does. 53 00:02:14,166 --> 00:02:15,326 And I know this 54 00:02:15,350 --> 00:02:17,602 because if I've learned anything as a therapist, 55 00:02:17,626 --> 00:02:20,957 it's that we are all unreliable narrators of our own lives. 56 00:02:21,306 --> 00:02:22,456 I am. 57 00:02:22,973 --> 00:02:24,123 You are. 58 00:02:24,497 --> 00:02:26,730 And so is everyone you know. 59 00:02:26,754 --> 00:02:28,714 Which I probably shouldn't have told you 60 00:02:28,738 --> 00:02:31,222 because now you're not going to believe my TED Talk. 61 00:02:31,246 --> 00:02:33,611 Look, I don't mean that we purposely mislead. 62 00:02:33,635 --> 00:02:36,747 Most of what people tell me is absolutely true, 63 00:02:36,771 --> 00:02:39,032 just from their current points of view. 64 00:02:39,056 --> 00:02:41,484 Depending on what they emphasize or minimize, 65 00:02:41,508 --> 00:02:43,417 what they leave in, what they leave out, 66 00:02:43,441 --> 00:02:45,457 what they see and want me to see, 67 00:02:45,481 --> 00:02:48,155 they tell their stories in a particular way. 68 00:02:48,179 --> 00:02:51,418 The psychologist Jerome Bruner described this beautifully -- he said, 69 00:02:51,442 --> 00:02:55,601 "To tell a story is, inescapably, to take a moral stance." 70 00:02:55,966 --> 00:02:58,601 All of us walk around with stories about our lives. 71 00:02:58,625 --> 00:03:01,061 Why choices were made, why things went wrong, 72 00:03:01,085 --> 00:03:02,958 why we treated someone a certain way -- 73 00:03:02,982 --> 00:03:04,975 because obviously, they deserved it -- 74 00:03:04,999 --> 00:03:06,937 why someone treated us a certain way -- 75 00:03:06,961 --> 00:03:08,699 even though, obviously, we didn't. 76 00:03:08,723 --> 00:03:11,675 Stories are the way we make sense of our lives. 77 00:03:11,699 --> 00:03:14,389 But what happens when the stories we tell 78 00:03:14,413 --> 00:03:17,936 are misleading or incomplete or just wrong? 79 00:03:18,929 --> 00:03:20,609 Well, instead of providing clarity, 80 00:03:20,633 --> 00:03:22,491 these stories keep us stuck. 81 00:03:22,515 --> 00:03:25,737 We assume that our circumstances shape our stories. 82 00:03:26,230 --> 00:03:28,263 But what I found time and again in my work 83 00:03:28,287 --> 00:03:30,238 is that the exact opposite happens. 84 00:03:30,262 --> 00:03:33,857 The way we narrate our lives shapes what they become. 85 00:03:34,989 --> 00:03:36,568 That's the danger of our stories, 86 00:03:36,592 --> 00:03:38,274 because they can really mess us up, 87 00:03:38,298 --> 00:03:39,544 but it's also their power. 88 00:03:39,568 --> 00:03:42,552 Because what it means is that if we can change our stories, 89 00:03:42,576 --> 00:03:44,631 then we can change our lives. 90 00:03:44,655 --> 00:03:46,552 And today, I want to show you how. 91 00:03:47,624 --> 00:03:49,457 Now, I told you I'm a therapist, 92 00:03:49,481 --> 00:03:52,354 and I really am, I'm not being an unreliable narrator. 93 00:03:52,378 --> 00:03:54,584 But if I'm, let's say, on an airplane, 94 00:03:54,608 --> 00:03:56,489 and someone asks what I do, 95 00:03:56,513 --> 00:03:58,637 I usually say I'm an editor. 96 00:03:59,017 --> 00:04:01,589 And I say that partly because if I say I'm a therapist, 97 00:04:01,613 --> 00:04:04,597 I always get some awkward response, like, 98 00:04:04,621 --> 00:04:06,296 "Oh, a therapist. 99 00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:08,468 Are you going to psychoanalyze me?" 100 00:04:08,492 --> 00:04:10,056 And I'm thinking, "A : no, 101 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:12,484 and B: why would I do that here? 102 00:04:12,508 --> 00:04:14,008 If I said I was a gynecologist, 103 00:04:14,032 --> 00:04:16,699 would you ask if I were about to give you a pelvic exam?" 104 00:04:16,723 --> 00:04:18,698 (Laughter) 105 00:04:19,207 --> 00:04:21,469 But the main reason I say I'm an editor 106 00:04:21,493 --> 00:04:23,017 is because it's true. 107 00:04:23,041 --> 00:04:25,722 Now, it's the job of all therapists to help people edit, 108 00:04:25,746 --> 00:04:28,856 but what's interesting about my specific role as Dear Therapist 109 00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:31,571 is that when I edit, I'm not just editing for one person. 110 00:04:31,595 --> 00:04:34,269 I'm trying to teach a whole group of readers how to edit, 111 00:04:34,293 --> 00:04:36,301 using one letter each week as the example. 112 00:04:36,325 --> 00:04:37,968 So I'm thinking about things like, 113 00:04:37,992 --> 00:04:39,770 "What material is extraneous?" 114 00:04:39,794 --> 00:04:43,040 "Is the protagonist moving forward or going in circles, 115 00:04:43,064 --> 00:04:46,207 are the supporting characters important or are they a distraction?" 116 00:04:46,231 --> 00:04:48,364 "Do the plot points reveal a theme?" 117 00:04:48,699 --> 00:04:50,254 And what I've noticed 118 00:04:50,278 --> 00:04:54,278 is that most people's stories tend to circle around two key themes. 119 00:04:54,302 --> 00:04:55,778 The first is freedom, 120 00:04:55,802 --> 00:04:57,579 and the second is change. 121 00:04:57,603 --> 00:04:58,833 And when I edit, 122 00:04:58,857 --> 00:05:00,949 those are the themes that I start with. 123 00:05:00,973 --> 00:05:03,671 So, let's take a look at freedom for a second. 124 00:05:03,695 --> 00:05:06,449 Our stories about freedom go like this: 125 00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:08,338 we believe, in general, 126 00:05:08,362 --> 00:05:11,750 that we have an enormous amount of freedom. 127 00:05:12,317 --> 00:05:14,397 Except when it comes to the problem at hand, 128 00:05:14,421 --> 00:05:16,921 in which case, suddenly, we feel like we have none. 129 00:05:16,945 --> 00:05:19,603 Many of our stories are about feeling trapped, right? 130 00:05:19,627 --> 00:05:22,102 We feel imprisoned by our families, our jobs, 131 00:05:22,126 --> 00:05:24,238 our relationships, our pasts. 132 00:05:24,599 --> 00:05:28,266 Sometimes, we even imprison ourselves with a narrative of self-flagellation -- 133 00:05:28,290 --> 00:05:30,179 I know you guys all know these stories. 134 00:05:30,203 --> 00:05:32,452 The "everyone's life is better than mine" story, 135 00:05:32,476 --> 00:05:33,722 courtesy of social media. 136 00:05:33,746 --> 00:05:36,318 The "I'm an impostor" story, the "I'm unlovable" story, 137 00:05:36,342 --> 00:05:38,540 the "nothing will ever work out for me" story. 138 00:05:38,564 --> 00:05:41,101 The "when I say, 'Hey, Siri, ' and she doesn't answer, 139 00:05:41,125 --> 00:05:42,642 that means she hates me" story. 140 00:05:42,666 --> 00:05:44,727 I see you, see, I'm not the only one. 141 00:05:45,532 --> 00:05:47,437 The woman who wrote me that letter, 142 00:05:47,461 --> 00:05:49,349 she also feels trapped. 143 00:05:49,373 --> 00:05:52,222 If she stays with her husband, she'll never trust him again, 144 00:05:52,246 --> 00:05:54,651 but if she leaves, her children will suffer. 145 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:57,920 Now, there's a cartoon that I think is a perfect example 146 00:05:57,944 --> 00:06:00,468 of what's really going on in these stories. 147 00:06:00,492 --> 00:06:02,898 The cartoon shows a prisoner shaking the bars, 148 00:06:02,922 --> 00:06:04,944 desperately trying to get out. 149 00:06:04,968 --> 00:06:07,159 But on the right and the left, it's open. 150 00:06:07,183 --> 00:06:08,944 No bars. 151 00:06:08,968 --> 00:06:11,174 The prisoner isn't in jail. 152 00:06:11,977 --> 00:06:13,152 That's most of us. 153 00:06:13,176 --> 00:06:14,779 We feel completely trapped, 154 00:06:14,803 --> 00:06:16,898 stuck in our emotional jail cells. 155 00:06:16,922 --> 00:06:19,041 But we don't walk around the bars to freedom 156 00:06:19,065 --> 00:06:21,199 because we know there's a catch. 157 00:06:21,223 --> 00:06:23,489 Freedom comes with responsibility. 158 00:06:23,802 --> 00:06:27,651 And if we take responsibility for our role in the story, 159 00:06:27,675 --> 00:06:29,794 we might just have to change. 160 00:06:29,818 --> 00:06:33,056 And that's the other common theme that I see in our stories: change. 161 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:34,556 Those stories sound like this: 162 00:06:34,580 --> 00:06:36,786 a person says, "I want to change." 163 00:06:36,810 --> 00:06:38,777 But what they really mean is, 164 00:06:38,801 --> 00:06:42,024 "I want another character in the story to change." 165 00:06:42,476 --> 00:06:44,206 Therapists describe this dilemma as: 166 00:06:44,230 --> 00:06:46,738 "If the queen had balls, she'd be the king." 167 00:06:46,762 --> 00:06:47,921 I mean -- 168 00:06:47,945 --> 00:06:48,945 (Laughter) 169 00:06:48,969 --> 00:06:50,873 It makes no sense, right? 170 00:06:51,923 --> 00:06:53,907 Why wouldn't we want the protagonist, 171 00:06:53,931 --> 00:06:56,336 who's the hero of the story, to change? 172 00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:57,987 Well, it might be because change, 173 00:06:58,011 --> 00:06:59,741 even really positive change, 174 00:06:59,765 --> 00:07:02,357 involves a surprising amount of loss. 175 00:07:02,381 --> 00:07:03,992 Loss of the familiar. 176 00:07:04,016 --> 00:07:07,349 Even if the familiar is unpleasant or utterly miserable, 177 00:07:07,373 --> 00:07:09,857 at least we know the characters and setting and plot, 178 00:07:09,881 --> 00:07:12,294 right down to the recurring dialogue in this story. 179 00:07:12,318 --> 00:07:13,636 "You never do the laundry!" 180 00:07:13,660 --> 00:07:14,873 "I did it last time!" 181 00:07:14,897 --> 00:07:16,061 "Oh, yeah? When?" 182 00:07:16,085 --> 00:07:17,816 There's something oddly comforting 183 00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:20,190 about knowing exactly how the story is going to go 184 00:07:20,214 --> 00:07:21,666 every single time. 185 00:07:22,170 --> 00:07:25,686 To write a new chapter is to venture into the unknown. 186 00:07:25,710 --> 00:07:27,916 It's to stare at a blank page. 187 00:07:27,940 --> 00:07:29,503 And as any writer will tell you, 188 00:07:29,527 --> 00:07:32,098 there's nothing more terrifying than a blank page. 189 00:07:32,476 --> 00:07:33,913 But here's the thing. 190 00:07:33,937 --> 00:07:35,960 Once we edit our story, 191 00:07:35,984 --> 00:07:39,118 the next chapter becomes much easier to write. 192 00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:42,753 We talk so much in our culture about getting to know ourselves. 193 00:07:42,777 --> 00:07:46,364 But part of getting to know yourself is to unknow yourself. 194 00:07:46,388 --> 00:07:49,976 To let go of the one version of the story you've been telling yourself 195 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,826 so that you can live your life, 196 00:07:51,850 --> 00:07:54,246 and not the story that you've been telling yourself 197 00:07:54,270 --> 00:07:55,420 about your life. 198 00:07:55,897 --> 00:07:58,733 And that's how we walk around those bars. 199 00:07:59,297 --> 00:08:02,638 So I want to go back to the letter from the woman, about the affair. 200 00:08:02,662 --> 00:08:04,773 She asked me what she should do. 201 00:08:04,797 --> 00:08:07,246 Now, I have this word taped up in my office: 202 00:08:07,270 --> 00:08:09,254 ultracrepidarianism. 203 00:08:09,278 --> 00:08:13,873 The habit of giving advice or opinions outside of one's knowledge or competence. 204 00:08:13,897 --> 00:08:15,175 It's a great word, right? 205 00:08:15,199 --> 00:08:17,160 You can use it in all different contexts, 206 00:08:17,184 --> 00:08:19,595 I'm sure you will be using it after this TED Talk. 207 00:08:19,619 --> 00:08:22,530 I use it because it reminds me that as a therapist, 208 00:08:22,554 --> 00:08:24,936 I can help people to sort out what they want to do, 209 00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:27,428 but I can't make their life choices for them. 210 00:08:27,754 --> 00:08:30,373 Only you can write your story, 211 00:08:30,397 --> 00:08:32,500 and all you need are some tools. 212 00:08:32,524 --> 00:08:33,815 So what I want to do 213 00:08:33,839 --> 00:08:36,632 is I want to edit this woman's letter together, right here, 214 00:08:36,656 --> 00:08:39,688 as a way to show how we can all revise our stories. 215 00:08:39,998 --> 00:08:42,172 And I want to start by asking you 216 00:08:42,196 --> 00:08:45,632 to think of a story that you're telling yourself right now 217 00:08:45,656 --> 00:08:47,777 that might not be serving you well. 218 00:08:47,801 --> 00:08:50,865 It might be about a circumstance you're experiencing, 219 00:08:50,889 --> 00:08:53,317 it might be about a person in your life, 220 00:08:53,341 --> 00:08:55,309 it might even be about yourself. 221 00:08:55,793 --> 00:08:58,725 And I want you to look at the supporting characters. 222 00:08:58,749 --> 00:09:00,574 Who are the people who are helping you 223 00:09:00,598 --> 00:09:03,677 to uphold the wrong version of this story? 224 00:09:04,202 --> 00:09:06,615 For instance, if the woman who wrote me that letter 225 00:09:06,639 --> 00:09:08,162 told her friends what happened, 226 00:09:08,186 --> 00:09:11,191 they would probably offer her what's called "idiot compassion." 227 00:09:11,215 --> 00:09:13,715 Now, in idiot compassion, we go along with the story, 228 00:09:13,739 --> 00:09:16,095 we say, "You're right, that's so unfair," 229 00:09:16,119 --> 00:09:19,230 when a friend tells us that he didn't get the promotion he wanted, 230 00:09:19,254 --> 00:09:22,025 even though we know this has happened several times before 231 00:09:22,049 --> 00:09:24,097 because he doesn't really put in the effort, 232 00:09:24,121 --> 00:09:26,188 and he probably also steals office supplies. 233 00:09:26,212 --> 00:09:27,212 (Laughter) 234 00:09:27,236 --> 00:09:29,782 We say, "Yeah, you're right, he's a jerk," 235 00:09:29,806 --> 00:09:32,803 when a friend tells us that her boyfriend broke up with her, 236 00:09:32,827 --> 00:09:35,033 even though we know that there are certain ways 237 00:09:35,057 --> 00:09:36,841 she tends to behave in relationships, 238 00:09:36,865 --> 00:09:39,691 like the incessant texting or the going through his drawers, 239 00:09:39,715 --> 00:09:41,405 that tend to lead to this outcome. 240 00:09:41,429 --> 00:09:43,079 We see the problem, it's like, 241 00:09:43,103 --> 00:09:45,508 if a fight breaks out in every bar you're going to, 242 00:09:45,532 --> 00:09:46,683 it might be you. 243 00:09:46,707 --> 00:09:48,968 (Laughter) 244 00:09:48,992 --> 00:09:52,691 In order to be good editors, we need to offer wise compassion, 245 00:09:52,715 --> 00:09:55,216 not just to our friends, but to ourselves. 246 00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:58,193 This is what's called -- I think the technical term might be -- 247 00:09:58,217 --> 00:10:00,684 "delivering compassionate truth bombs." 248 00:10:01,024 --> 00:10:02,953 And these truth bombs are compassionate, 249 00:10:02,977 --> 00:10:05,856 because they help us to see what we've left out of the story. 250 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:07,040 The truth is, 251 00:10:07,064 --> 00:10:09,786 we don't know if this woman's husband is having an affair, 252 00:10:09,810 --> 00:10:12,558 or why their sex life changed two years ago, 253 00:10:12,582 --> 00:10:15,709 or what those late-night phone calls are really about. 254 00:10:15,733 --> 00:10:17,844 And it might be that because of her history, 255 00:10:17,868 --> 00:10:20,479 she's writing a singular story of betrayal, 256 00:10:20,503 --> 00:10:22,405 but there's probably something else 257 00:10:22,429 --> 00:10:25,373 that she's not willing to let me, in her letter, 258 00:10:25,397 --> 00:10:27,397 or maybe even herself, to see. 259 00:10:28,143 --> 00:10:30,452 It's like that guy who's taking a Rorschach test. 260 00:10:30,476 --> 00:10:32,326 You all know what Rorschach tests are? 261 00:10:32,350 --> 00:10:35,334 A psychologist shows you some ink blots, they look like that, 262 00:10:35,358 --> 00:10:37,844 and asks, "What do you see?" 263 00:10:38,287 --> 00:10:40,763 So the guy looks at his ink blot and he says, 264 00:10:40,787 --> 00:10:44,304 "Well, I definitely don't see blood." 265 00:10:45,675 --> 00:10:47,334 And the examiner says, 266 00:10:47,358 --> 00:10:50,812 "Alright, tell me what else you definitely don't see." 267 00:10:51,622 --> 00:10:53,932 In writing, this is called point of view. 268 00:10:53,956 --> 00:10:56,709 What is the narrator not willing to see? 269 00:10:56,733 --> 00:10:59,709 So, I want to read you one more letter. 270 00:11:00,797 --> 00:11:03,042 And it goes like this. 271 00:11:04,860 --> 00:11:06,503 "Dear Therapist, 272 00:11:07,701 --> 00:11:09,597 I need help with my wife. 273 00:11:09,621 --> 00:11:11,525 Lately, everything I do irritates her, 274 00:11:11,549 --> 00:11:14,621 even small things, like the noise I make when I chew. 275 00:11:15,214 --> 00:11:16,397 At breakfast, 276 00:11:16,421 --> 00:11:19,731 I noticed that she even tries to secretly put extra milk in my granola 277 00:11:19,755 --> 00:11:21,041 so it won't be as crunchy." 278 00:11:21,065 --> 00:11:22,445 (Laughter) 279 00:11:22,469 --> 00:11:26,580 "I feel like she became critical of me after my father died two years ago. 280 00:11:26,604 --> 00:11:27,882 I was very close with him, 281 00:11:27,906 --> 00:11:29,794 and her father left when she was young, 282 00:11:29,818 --> 00:11:32,381 so she couldn't relate to what I was going through. 283 00:11:32,405 --> 00:11:35,238 There's a friend at work whose father died a few months ago, 284 00:11:35,262 --> 00:11:36,952 and who understands my grief. 285 00:11:36,976 --> 00:11:40,064 I wish I could talk to my wife like I talk to my friend, 286 00:11:40,088 --> 00:11:42,818 but I feel like she barely tolerates me now. 287 00:11:42,842 --> 00:11:44,708 How can I get my wife back?" 288 00:11:45,318 --> 00:11:46,468 OK. 289 00:11:46,961 --> 00:11:49,326 So, what you probably picked up on 290 00:11:49,350 --> 00:11:52,278 is that this is the same story I read you earlier, 291 00:11:52,302 --> 00:11:54,873 just told from another narrator's point of view. 292 00:11:54,897 --> 00:11:57,294 Her story was about a husband who's cheating, 293 00:11:57,318 --> 00:12:00,666 his story is about a wife who can't understand his grief. 294 00:12:01,159 --> 00:12:04,477 But what's remarkable, is that for all of their differences, 295 00:12:04,501 --> 00:12:08,405 what both of these stories are about is a longing for connection. 296 00:12:08,825 --> 00:12:11,206 And if we can get out of the first-person narration 297 00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:13,952 and write the story from another character's perspective, 298 00:12:13,976 --> 00:12:16,849 suddenly that other character becomes much more sympathetic, 299 00:12:16,873 --> 00:12:18,674 and the plot opens up. 300 00:12:19,342 --> 00:12:22,143 That's the hardest step in the editing process, 301 00:12:22,167 --> 00:12:24,434 but it's also where change begins. 302 00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:28,326 What would happen if you looked at your story 303 00:12:28,350 --> 00:12:31,238 and wrote it from another person's point of view? 304 00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:35,127 What would you see now from this wider perspective? 305 00:12:35,991 --> 00:12:38,230 That's why, when I see people who are depressed, 306 00:12:38,254 --> 00:12:39,405 I sometimes say, 307 00:12:39,429 --> 00:12:42,548 "You are not the best person to talk to you about you right now," 308 00:12:42,572 --> 00:12:45,646 because depression distorts our stories in a very particular way. 309 00:12:45,670 --> 00:12:47,226 It narrows our perspectives. 310 00:12:47,250 --> 00:12:50,583 The same is true when we feel lonely or hurt or rejected. 311 00:12:50,607 --> 00:12:52,226 We create all kinds of stories, 312 00:12:52,250 --> 00:12:54,029 distorted through a very narrow lens 313 00:12:54,053 --> 00:12:56,370 that we don't even know we're looking through. 314 00:12:56,680 --> 00:13:00,434 And then, we've effectively become our own fake-news broadcasters. 315 00:13:01,482 --> 00:13:03,348 I have a confession to make. 316 00:13:03,998 --> 00:13:07,016 I wrote the husband's version of the letter I read you. 317 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:08,865 You have no idea how much time I spent 318 00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:11,326 debating between granola and pita chips, by the way. 319 00:13:11,350 --> 00:13:14,488 I wrote it based on all of the alternative narratives 320 00:13:14,512 --> 00:13:15,956 that I've seen over the years, 321 00:13:15,980 --> 00:13:19,699 not just in my therapy practice, but also in my column. 322 00:13:19,723 --> 00:13:20,960 When it's happened 323 00:13:20,984 --> 00:13:23,230 that two people involved in the same situation 324 00:13:23,254 --> 00:13:25,730 have written to me, unbeknownst to the other, 325 00:13:25,754 --> 00:13:27,746 and I have two versions of the same story 326 00:13:27,770 --> 00:13:29,103 sitting in my inbox. 327 00:13:29,546 --> 00:13:31,234 That really has happened. 328 00:13:31,901 --> 00:13:34,828 I don't know what the other version of this woman's letter is, 329 00:13:34,852 --> 00:13:36,321 but I do know this: 330 00:13:36,345 --> 00:13:37,678 she has to write it. 331 00:13:38,082 --> 00:13:40,127 Because with a courageous edit, 332 00:13:40,151 --> 00:13:43,953 she'll write a much more nuanced version of her letter that she wrote to me. 333 00:13:43,977 --> 00:13:46,603 Even if her husband is having an affair of any kind -- 334 00:13:46,627 --> 00:13:48,357 and maybe he is -- 335 00:13:48,381 --> 00:13:51,444 she doesn't need to know what the plot is yet. 336 00:13:52,096 --> 00:13:54,984 Because just by virtue of doing an edit, 337 00:13:55,008 --> 00:13:58,320 she'll have so many more possibilities for what the plot can become. 338 00:13:59,277 --> 00:14:02,832 Now, sometimes it happens that I see people who are really stuck, 339 00:14:02,856 --> 00:14:05,784 and they're really invested in their stuckness. 340 00:14:06,126 --> 00:14:08,702 We call them help-rejecting complainers. 341 00:14:08,726 --> 00:14:10,400 I'm sure you know people like this. 342 00:14:10,424 --> 00:14:13,480 They're the people who, when you try to offer them a suggestion, 343 00:14:13,504 --> 00:14:18,353 they reject it with, "Yeah, no, that will never work, because ..." 344 00:14:18,801 --> 00:14:22,119 "Yeah, no, that's impossible, because I can't do that." 345 00:14:22,143 --> 00:14:26,349 "Yeah, I really want more friends, but people are just so annoying." 346 00:14:26,373 --> 00:14:28,421 (Laughter) 347 00:14:28,445 --> 00:14:30,222 What they're really rejecting 348 00:14:30,246 --> 00:14:33,646 is an edit to their story of misery and stuckness. 349 00:14:34,300 --> 00:14:37,514 And so, with these people, I usually take a different approach. 350 00:14:37,538 --> 00:14:40,197 And what I do is I say something else. 351 00:14:40,221 --> 00:14:42,228 I say to them, 352 00:14:42,252 --> 00:14:44,148 "We're all going to die." 353 00:14:44,834 --> 00:14:47,603 I bet you're really glad I'm not your therapist right now. 354 00:14:48,056 --> 00:14:49,405 Because they look back at me 355 00:14:49,429 --> 00:14:51,500 the way you're looking back at me right now, 356 00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:53,183 with this look of utter confusion. 357 00:14:53,207 --> 00:14:55,302 But then I explain that there's a story 358 00:14:55,326 --> 00:14:58,103 that gets written about all of us, eventually. 359 00:14:58,127 --> 00:14:59,727 It's called an obituary. 360 00:15:00,603 --> 00:15:05,016 And I say that instead of being authors of our own unhappiness, 361 00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:08,325 we get to shape these stories while we're still alive. 362 00:15:09,016 --> 00:15:11,643 We get to be the hero and not the victim in our stories, 363 00:15:11,667 --> 00:15:14,572 we get to choose what goes on the page that lives in our minds 364 00:15:14,596 --> 00:15:16,263 and shapes our realities. 365 00:15:17,096 --> 00:15:20,959 I tell them that life is about deciding which stories to listen to 366 00:15:20,983 --> 00:15:22,665 and which ones need an edit. 367 00:15:22,689 --> 00:15:25,705 And that it's worth the effort to go through a revision 368 00:15:25,729 --> 00:15:28,895 because there's nothing more important to the quality of our lives 369 00:15:28,919 --> 00:15:31,103 than the stories we tell ourselves about them. 370 00:15:31,127 --> 00:15:34,468 I say that when it comes to the stories of our lives, 371 00:15:34,492 --> 00:15:38,373 we should be aiming for our own personal Pulitzer Prize. 372 00:15:38,397 --> 00:15:41,266 Now, most of us aren't help-rejecting complainers, 373 00:15:41,290 --> 00:15:43,643 or at least we don't believe we are. 374 00:15:43,667 --> 00:15:46,294 But it's a role that is so easy to slip into 375 00:15:46,318 --> 00:15:49,529 when we feel anxious or angry or vulnerable. 376 00:15:49,553 --> 00:15:52,116 So the next time you're struggling with something, 377 00:15:52,140 --> 00:15:53,569 remember, 378 00:15:53,593 --> 00:15:55,116 we're all going to die. 379 00:15:55,140 --> 00:15:56,569 (Laughter) 380 00:15:56,593 --> 00:15:59,101 And then pull out your editing tools 381 00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:00,744 and ask yourself: 382 00:16:00,768 --> 00:16:03,720 what do I want my story to be? 383 00:16:04,929 --> 00:16:08,335 And then, go write your masterpiece. 384 00:16:08,716 --> 00:16:09,875 Thank you. 385 00:16:09,899 --> 00:16:12,526 (Applause)