WEBVTT 00:00:00.873 --> 00:00:03.135 I'm going to start by telling you about an email 00:00:03.159 --> 00:00:04.968 that I saw in my inbox recently. 00:00:05.342 --> 00:00:08.167 Now, I have a pretty unusual inbox 00:00:08.191 --> 00:00:09.627 because I'm a therapist 00:00:09.651 --> 00:00:13.095 and I write an advice column called "Dear Therapist," 00:00:13.119 --> 00:00:15.563 so you can imagine what's in there. 00:00:15.587 --> 00:00:19.818 I mean, I've read thousands of very personal letters 00:00:19.842 --> 00:00:22.108 from strangers all over the world. 00:00:22.555 --> 00:00:24.848 And these letters range from heartbreak and loss, 00:00:24.872 --> 00:00:27.222 to spats with parents or siblings. 00:00:27.246 --> 00:00:29.647 I keep them in a folder on my laptop, 00:00:29.671 --> 00:00:32.404 and I've named it "The Problems of Living." 00:00:32.428 --> 00:00:35.833 So, I get this email, I get lots of emails just like this, 00:00:35.857 --> 00:00:38.215 and I want to bring you into my world for a second 00:00:38.239 --> 00:00:40.468 and read you one of these letters. 00:00:40.492 --> 00:00:42.026 And here's how it goes. NOTE Paragraph 00:00:46.698 --> 00:00:48.475 "Dear Therapist, 00:00:48.499 --> 00:00:49.936 I've been married for 10 years 00:00:49.960 --> 00:00:52.642 and things were good until a couple of years ago. 00:00:52.666 --> 00:00:55.437 That's when my husband stopped wanting to have sex as much, 00:00:55.461 --> 00:00:57.310 and now we barely have sex at all." 00:00:57.334 --> 00:00:59.349 I'm sure you guys were not expecting this. NOTE Paragraph 00:00:59.373 --> 00:01:00.374 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:01:00.398 --> 00:01:03.637 "Well, last night I discovered that for the past few months, 00:01:03.661 --> 00:01:06.202 he's been secretly having long, late-night phone calls 00:01:06.226 --> 00:01:07.992 with a woman at his office. 00:01:08.016 --> 00:01:10.472 I googled her, and she's gorgeous. 00:01:10.496 --> 00:01:12.290 I can't believe this is happening. 00:01:12.314 --> 00:01:14.988 My father had an affair with a coworker when I was young 00:01:15.012 --> 00:01:17.115 and it broke our family apart. 00:01:17.139 --> 00:01:19.504 Needless to say, I'm devastated. 00:01:19.528 --> 00:01:20.865 If I stay in this marriage, 00:01:20.889 --> 00:01:23.000 I'll never be able to trust my husband again. 00:01:23.024 --> 00:01:25.413 But I don't want to put our kids through a divorce, 00:01:25.437 --> 00:01:27.278 stepmom situation, etc. 00:01:27.302 --> 00:01:28.502 What should I do?" NOTE Paragraph 00:01:30.743 --> 00:01:33.901 Well, what do you think she should do? 00:01:34.727 --> 00:01:35.965 If you got this letter, 00:01:35.989 --> 00:01:39.457 you might be thinking about how painful infidelity is. 00:01:39.802 --> 00:01:42.937 Or maybe about how especially painful it is here 00:01:42.961 --> 00:01:45.627 because of her experience growing up with her father. 00:01:46.040 --> 00:01:48.902 And like me, you'd probably have some empathy for this woman, 00:01:48.926 --> 00:01:50.338 and you might even have some, 00:01:50.362 --> 00:01:51.806 how should I put this nicely, 00:01:51.830 --> 00:01:55.084 let's just call them "not-so-positive" feelings for her husband. NOTE Paragraph 00:01:55.108 --> 00:01:58.064 Now, those are the kinds of things that go through my mind too, 00:01:58.088 --> 00:02:00.096 when I'm reading these letters in my inbox. 00:02:00.120 --> 00:02:03.199 But I have to be really careful when I respond to these letters 00:02:03.223 --> 00:02:07.198 because I know that every letter I get is actually just a story 00:02:07.222 --> 00:02:09.150 written by a specific author. 00:02:09.174 --> 00:02:12.222 And that another version of this story also exists. 00:02:12.246 --> 00:02:13.666 It always does. 00:02:14.166 --> 00:02:15.326 And I know this 00:02:15.350 --> 00:02:17.602 because if I've learned anything as a therapist, 00:02:17.626 --> 00:02:20.957 it's that we are all unreliable narrators of our own lives. 00:02:21.306 --> 00:02:22.456 I am. 00:02:22.973 --> 00:02:24.123 You are. 00:02:24.497 --> 00:02:26.730 And so is everyone you know. 00:02:26.754 --> 00:02:28.714 Which I probably shouldn't have told you 00:02:28.738 --> 00:02:31.222 because now you're not going to believe my TED Talk. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:31.246 --> 00:02:33.611 Look, I don't mean that we purposely mislead. 00:02:33.635 --> 00:02:36.747 Most of what people tell me is absolutely true, 00:02:36.771 --> 00:02:39.032 just from their current points of view. 00:02:39.056 --> 00:02:41.484 Depending on what they emphasize or minimize, 00:02:41.508 --> 00:02:43.417 what they leave in, what they leave out, 00:02:43.441 --> 00:02:45.457 what they see and want me to see, 00:02:45.481 --> 00:02:48.155 they tell their stories in a particular way. 00:02:48.179 --> 00:02:51.418 The psychologist Jerome Bruner described this beautifully -- he said, 00:02:51.442 --> 00:02:55.601 "To tell a story is, inescapably, to take a moral stance." 00:02:55.966 --> 00:02:58.601 All of us walk around with stories about our lives. 00:02:58.625 --> 00:03:01.061 Why choices were made, why things went wrong, 00:03:01.085 --> 00:03:02.958 why we treated someone a certain way -- 00:03:02.982 --> 00:03:04.975 because obviously, they deserved it -- 00:03:04.999 --> 00:03:06.937 why someone treated us a certain way -- 00:03:06.961 --> 00:03:08.699 even though, obviously, we didn't. 00:03:08.723 --> 00:03:11.675 Stories are the way we make sense of our lives. NOTE Paragraph 00:03:11.699 --> 00:03:14.389 But what happens when the stories we tell 00:03:14.413 --> 00:03:17.936 are misleading or incomplete or just wrong? 00:03:18.929 --> 00:03:20.609 Well, instead of providing clarity, 00:03:20.633 --> 00:03:22.491 these stories keep us stuck. 00:03:22.515 --> 00:03:25.737 We assume that our circumstances shape our stories. 00:03:26.230 --> 00:03:28.263 But what I found time and again in my work 00:03:28.287 --> 00:03:30.238 is that the exact opposite happens. 00:03:30.262 --> 00:03:33.857 The way we narrate our lives shapes what they become. 00:03:34.989 --> 00:03:36.568 That's the danger of our stories, 00:03:36.592 --> 00:03:38.274 because they can really mess us up, 00:03:38.298 --> 00:03:39.544 but it's also their power. 00:03:39.568 --> 00:03:42.552 Because what it means is that if we can change our stories, 00:03:42.576 --> 00:03:44.631 then we can change our lives. 00:03:44.655 --> 00:03:46.552 And today, I want to show you how. NOTE Paragraph 00:03:47.624 --> 00:03:49.457 Now, I told you I'm a therapist, 00:03:49.481 --> 00:03:52.354 and I really am, I'm not being an unreliable narrator. 00:03:52.378 --> 00:03:54.584 But if I'm, let's say, on an airplane, 00:03:54.608 --> 00:03:56.489 and someone asks what I do, 00:03:56.513 --> 00:03:58.637 I usually say I'm an editor. 00:03:59.017 --> 00:04:01.589 And I say that partly because if I say I'm a therapist, 00:04:01.613 --> 00:04:04.597 I always get some awkward response, like, 00:04:04.621 --> 00:04:06.296 "Oh, a therapist. 00:04:06.320 --> 00:04:08.468 Are you going to psychoanalyze me?" 00:04:08.492 --> 00:04:10.056 And I'm thinking, "A : no, 00:04:10.080 --> 00:04:12.484 and B: why would I do that here? 00:04:12.508 --> 00:04:14.008 If I said I was a gynecologist, 00:04:14.032 --> 00:04:16.699 would you ask if I were about to give you a pelvic exam?" NOTE Paragraph 00:04:16.723 --> 00:04:18.698 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:04:19.207 --> 00:04:21.469 But the main reason I say I'm an editor 00:04:21.493 --> 00:04:23.017 is because it's true. 00:04:23.041 --> 00:04:25.722 Now, it's the job of all therapists to help people edit, 00:04:25.746 --> 00:04:28.856 but what's interesting about my specific role as Dear Therapist 00:04:28.880 --> 00:04:31.571 is that when I edit, I'm not just editing for one person. 00:04:31.595 --> 00:04:34.269 I'm trying to teach a whole group of readers how to edit, 00:04:34.293 --> 00:04:36.301 using one letter each week as the example. 00:04:36.325 --> 00:04:37.968 So I'm thinking about things like, 00:04:37.992 --> 00:04:39.770 "What material is extraneous?" 00:04:39.794 --> 00:04:43.040 "Is the protagonist moving forward or going in circles, 00:04:43.064 --> 00:04:46.207 are the supporting characters important or are they a distraction?" 00:04:46.231 --> 00:04:48.364 "Do the plot points reveal a theme?" 00:04:48.699 --> 00:04:50.254 And what I've noticed 00:04:50.278 --> 00:04:54.278 is that most people's stories tend to circle around two key themes. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:54.302 --> 00:04:55.778 The first is freedom, 00:04:55.802 --> 00:04:57.579 and the second is change. 00:04:57.603 --> 00:04:58.833 And when I edit, 00:04:58.857 --> 00:05:00.949 those are the themes that I start with. 00:05:00.973 --> 00:05:03.671 So, let's take a look at freedom for a second. 00:05:03.695 --> 00:05:06.449 Our stories about freedom go like this: 00:05:06.473 --> 00:05:08.338 we believe, in general, 00:05:08.362 --> 00:05:11.750 that we have an enormous amount of freedom. 00:05:12.317 --> 00:05:14.397 Except when it comes to the problem at hand, 00:05:14.421 --> 00:05:16.921 in which case, suddenly, we feel like we have none. 00:05:16.945 --> 00:05:19.603 Many of our stories are about feeling trapped, right? 00:05:19.627 --> 00:05:22.102 We feel imprisoned by our families, our jobs, 00:05:22.126 --> 00:05:24.238 our relationships, our pasts. 00:05:24.599 --> 00:05:28.266 Sometimes, we even imprison ourselves with a narrative of self-flagellation -- 00:05:28.290 --> 00:05:30.179 I know you guys all know these stories. 00:05:30.203 --> 00:05:32.452 The "everyone's life is better than mine" story, 00:05:32.476 --> 00:05:33.722 courtesy of social media. 00:05:33.746 --> 00:05:36.318 The "I'm an impostor" story, the "I'm unlovable" story, 00:05:36.342 --> 00:05:38.540 the "nothing will ever work out for me" story. 00:05:38.564 --> 00:05:41.101 The "when I say, 'Hey, Siri, ' and she doesn't answer, 00:05:41.125 --> 00:05:42.642 that means she hates me" story. 00:05:42.666 --> 00:05:44.727 I see you, see, I'm not the only one. 00:05:45.532 --> 00:05:47.437 The woman who wrote me that letter, 00:05:47.461 --> 00:05:49.349 she also feels trapped. 00:05:49.373 --> 00:05:52.222 If she stays with her husband, she'll never trust him again, 00:05:52.246 --> 00:05:54.651 but if she leaves, her children will suffer. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:55.040 --> 00:05:57.920 Now, there's a cartoon that I think is a perfect example 00:05:57.944 --> 00:06:00.468 of what's really going on in these stories. 00:06:00.492 --> 00:06:02.898 The cartoon shows a prisoner shaking the bars, 00:06:02.922 --> 00:06:04.944 desperately trying to get out. 00:06:04.968 --> 00:06:07.159 But on the right and the left, it's open. 00:06:07.183 --> 00:06:08.944 No bars. 00:06:08.968 --> 00:06:11.174 The prisoner isn't in jail. 00:06:11.977 --> 00:06:13.152 That's most of us. 00:06:13.176 --> 00:06:14.779 We feel completely trapped, 00:06:14.803 --> 00:06:16.898 stuck in our emotional jail cells. 00:06:16.922 --> 00:06:19.041 But we don't walk around the bars to freedom 00:06:19.065 --> 00:06:21.199 because we know there's a catch. 00:06:21.223 --> 00:06:23.489 Freedom comes with responsibility. 00:06:23.802 --> 00:06:27.651 And if we take responsibility for our role in the story, 00:06:27.675 --> 00:06:29.794 we might just have to change. NOTE Paragraph 00:06:29.818 --> 00:06:33.056 And that's the other common theme that I see in our stories: change. 00:06:33.080 --> 00:06:34.556 Those stories sound like this: 00:06:34.580 --> 00:06:36.786 a person says, "I want to change." 00:06:36.810 --> 00:06:38.777 But what they really mean is, 00:06:38.801 --> 00:06:42.024 "I want another character in the story to change." 00:06:42.476 --> 00:06:44.206 Therapists describe this dilemma as: 00:06:44.230 --> 00:06:46.738 "If the queen had balls, she'd be the king." 00:06:46.762 --> 00:06:47.921 I mean -- NOTE Paragraph 00:06:47.945 --> 00:06:48.945 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:06:48.969 --> 00:06:50.873 It makes no sense, right? 00:06:51.923 --> 00:06:53.907 Why wouldn't we want the protagonist, 00:06:53.931 --> 00:06:56.336 who's the hero of the story, to change? 00:06:56.360 --> 00:06:57.987 Well, it might be because change, 00:06:58.011 --> 00:06:59.741 even really positive change, 00:06:59.765 --> 00:07:02.357 involves a surprising amount of loss. 00:07:02.381 --> 00:07:03.992 Loss of the familiar. 00:07:04.016 --> 00:07:07.349 Even if the familiar is unpleasant or utterly miserable, 00:07:07.373 --> 00:07:09.857 at least we know the characters and setting and plot, 00:07:09.881 --> 00:07:12.294 right down to the recurring dialogue in this story. 00:07:12.318 --> 00:07:13.636 "You never do the laundry!" 00:07:13.660 --> 00:07:14.873 "I did it last time!" 00:07:14.897 --> 00:07:16.061 "Oh, yeah? When?" 00:07:16.085 --> 00:07:17.816 There's something oddly comforting 00:07:17.840 --> 00:07:20.190 about knowing exactly how the story is going to go 00:07:20.214 --> 00:07:21.666 every single time. NOTE Paragraph 00:07:22.170 --> 00:07:25.686 To write a new chapter is to venture into the unknown. 00:07:25.710 --> 00:07:27.916 It's to stare at a blank page. 00:07:27.940 --> 00:07:29.503 And as any writer will tell you, 00:07:29.527 --> 00:07:32.098 there's nothing more terrifying than a blank page. 00:07:32.476 --> 00:07:33.913 But here's the thing. 00:07:33.937 --> 00:07:35.960 Once we edit our story, 00:07:35.984 --> 00:07:39.118 the next chapter becomes much easier to write. 00:07:39.459 --> 00:07:42.753 We talk so much in our culture about getting to know ourselves. 00:07:42.777 --> 00:07:46.364 But part of getting to know yourself is to unknow yourself. 00:07:46.388 --> 00:07:49.976 To let go of the one version of the story you've been telling yourself 00:07:50.000 --> 00:07:51.826 so that you can live your life, 00:07:51.850 --> 00:07:54.246 and not the story that you've been telling yourself 00:07:54.270 --> 00:07:55.420 about your life. 00:07:55.897 --> 00:07:58.733 And that's how we walk around those bars. NOTE Paragraph 00:07:59.297 --> 00:08:02.638 So I want to go back to the letter from the woman, about the affair. 00:08:02.662 --> 00:08:04.773 She asked me what she should do. 00:08:04.797 --> 00:08:07.246 Now, I have this word taped up in my office: 00:08:07.270 --> 00:08:09.254 ultracrepidarianism. 00:08:09.278 --> 00:08:13.873 The habit of giving advice or opinions outside of one's knowledge or competence. 00:08:13.897 --> 00:08:15.175 It's a great word, right? 00:08:15.199 --> 00:08:17.160 You can use it in all different contexts, 00:08:17.184 --> 00:08:19.595 I'm sure you will be using it after this TED Talk. 00:08:19.619 --> 00:08:22.530 I use it because it reminds me that as a therapist, 00:08:22.554 --> 00:08:24.936 I can help people to sort out what they want to do, 00:08:24.960 --> 00:08:27.428 but I can't make their life choices for them. 00:08:27.754 --> 00:08:30.373 Only you can write your story, 00:08:30.397 --> 00:08:32.500 and all you need are some tools. NOTE Paragraph 00:08:32.524 --> 00:08:33.815 So what I want to do 00:08:33.839 --> 00:08:36.632 is I want to edit this woman's letter together, right here, 00:08:36.656 --> 00:08:39.688 as a way to show how we can all revise our stories. 00:08:39.998 --> 00:08:42.172 And I want to start by asking you 00:08:42.196 --> 00:08:45.632 to think of a story that you're telling yourself right now 00:08:45.656 --> 00:08:47.777 that might not be serving you well. 00:08:47.801 --> 00:08:50.865 It might be about a circumstance you're experiencing, 00:08:50.889 --> 00:08:53.317 it might be about a person in your life, 00:08:53.341 --> 00:08:55.309 it might even be about yourself. 00:08:55.793 --> 00:08:58.725 And I want you to look at the supporting characters. 00:08:58.749 --> 00:09:00.574 Who are the people who are helping you 00:09:00.598 --> 00:09:03.677 to uphold the wrong version of this story? NOTE Paragraph 00:09:04.202 --> 00:09:06.615 For instance, if the woman who wrote me that letter 00:09:06.639 --> 00:09:08.162 told her friends what happened, 00:09:08.186 --> 00:09:11.191 they would probably offer her what's called "idiot compassion." 00:09:11.215 --> 00:09:13.715 Now, in idiot compassion, we go along with the story, 00:09:13.739 --> 00:09:16.095 we say, "You're right, that's so unfair," 00:09:16.119 --> 00:09:19.230 when a friend tells us that he didn't get the promotion he wanted, 00:09:19.254 --> 00:09:22.025 even though we know this has happened several times before 00:09:22.049 --> 00:09:24.097 because he doesn't really put in the effort, 00:09:24.121 --> 00:09:26.188 and he probably also steals office supplies. NOTE Paragraph 00:09:26.212 --> 00:09:27.212 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:09:27.236 --> 00:09:29.782 We say, "Yeah, you're right, he's a jerk," 00:09:29.806 --> 00:09:32.803 when a friend tells us that her boyfriend broke up with her, 00:09:32.827 --> 00:09:35.033 even though we know that there are certain ways 00:09:35.057 --> 00:09:36.841 she tends to behave in relationships, 00:09:36.865 --> 00:09:39.691 like the incessant texting or the going through his drawers, 00:09:39.715 --> 00:09:41.405 that tend to lead to this outcome. 00:09:41.429 --> 00:09:43.079 We see the problem, it's like, 00:09:43.103 --> 00:09:45.508 if a fight breaks out in every bar you're going to, 00:09:45.532 --> 00:09:46.683 it might be you. NOTE Paragraph 00:09:46.707 --> 00:09:48.968 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:09:48.992 --> 00:09:52.691 In order to be good editors, we need to offer wise compassion, 00:09:52.715 --> 00:09:55.216 not just to our friends, but to ourselves. 00:09:55.240 --> 00:09:58.193 This is what's called -- I think the technical term might be -- 00:09:58.217 --> 00:10:00.684 "delivering compassionate truth bombs." 00:10:01.024 --> 00:10:02.953 And these truth bombs are compassionate, 00:10:02.977 --> 00:10:05.856 because they help us to see what we've left out of the story. NOTE Paragraph 00:10:05.880 --> 00:10:07.040 The truth is, 00:10:07.064 --> 00:10:09.786 we don't know if this woman's husband is having an affair, 00:10:09.810 --> 00:10:12.558 or why their sex life changed two years ago, 00:10:12.582 --> 00:10:15.709 or what those late-night phone calls are really about. 00:10:15.733 --> 00:10:17.844 And it might be that because of her history, 00:10:17.868 --> 00:10:20.479 she's writing a singular story of betrayal, 00:10:20.503 --> 00:10:22.405 but there's probably something else 00:10:22.429 --> 00:10:25.373 that she's not willing to let me, in her letter, 00:10:25.397 --> 00:10:27.397 or maybe even herself, to see. 00:10:28.143 --> 00:10:30.452 It's like that guy who's taking a Rorschach test. 00:10:30.476 --> 00:10:32.326 You all know what Rorschach tests are? 00:10:32.350 --> 00:10:35.334 A psychologist shows you some ink blots, they look like that, 00:10:35.358 --> 00:10:37.844 and asks, "What do you see?" 00:10:38.287 --> 00:10:40.763 So the guy looks at his ink blot and he says, 00:10:40.787 --> 00:10:44.304 "Well, I definitely don't see blood." 00:10:45.675 --> 00:10:47.334 And the examiner says, 00:10:47.358 --> 00:10:50.812 "Alright, tell me what else you definitely don't see." 00:10:51.622 --> 00:10:53.932 In writing, this is called point of view. 00:10:53.956 --> 00:10:56.709 What is the narrator not willing to see? NOTE Paragraph 00:10:56.733 --> 00:10:59.709 So, I want to read you one more letter. 00:11:00.797 --> 00:11:03.042 And it goes like this. NOTE Paragraph 00:11:04.860 --> 00:11:06.503 "Dear Therapist, 00:11:07.701 --> 00:11:09.597 I need help with my wife. 00:11:09.621 --> 00:11:11.525 Lately, everything I do irritates her, 00:11:11.549 --> 00:11:14.621 even small things, like the noise I make when I chew. 00:11:15.214 --> 00:11:16.397 At breakfast, 00:11:16.421 --> 00:11:19.731 I noticed that she even tries to secretly put extra milk in my granola 00:11:19.755 --> 00:11:21.041 so it won't be as crunchy." NOTE Paragraph 00:11:21.065 --> 00:11:22.445 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:11:22.469 --> 00:11:26.580 "I feel like she became critical of me after my father died two years ago. 00:11:26.604 --> 00:11:27.882 I was very close with him, 00:11:27.906 --> 00:11:29.794 and her father left when she was young, 00:11:29.818 --> 00:11:32.381 so she couldn't relate to what I was going through. 00:11:32.405 --> 00:11:35.238 There's a friend at work whose father died a few months ago, 00:11:35.262 --> 00:11:36.952 and who understands my grief. 00:11:36.976 --> 00:11:40.064 I wish I could talk to my wife like I talk to my friend, 00:11:40.088 --> 00:11:42.818 but I feel like she barely tolerates me now. 00:11:42.842 --> 00:11:44.708 How can I get my wife back?" NOTE Paragraph 00:11:45.318 --> 00:11:46.468 OK. 00:11:46.961 --> 00:11:49.326 So, what you probably picked up on 00:11:49.350 --> 00:11:52.278 is that this is the same story I read you earlier, 00:11:52.302 --> 00:11:54.873 just told from another narrator's point of view. 00:11:54.897 --> 00:11:57.294 Her story was about a husband who's cheating, 00:11:57.318 --> 00:12:00.666 his story is about a wife who can't understand his grief. 00:12:01.159 --> 00:12:04.477 But what's remarkable, is that for all of their differences, 00:12:04.501 --> 00:12:08.405 what both of these stories are about is a longing for connection. 00:12:08.825 --> 00:12:11.206 And if we can get out of the first-person narration 00:12:11.230 --> 00:12:13.952 and write the story from another character's perspective, 00:12:13.976 --> 00:12:16.849 suddenly that other character becomes much more sympathetic, 00:12:16.873 --> 00:12:18.674 and the plot opens up. 00:12:19.342 --> 00:12:22.143 That's the hardest step in the editing process, 00:12:22.167 --> 00:12:24.434 but it's also where change begins. NOTE Paragraph 00:12:24.786 --> 00:12:28.326 What would happen if you looked at your story 00:12:28.350 --> 00:12:31.238 and wrote it from another person's point of view? 00:12:31.667 --> 00:12:35.127 What would you see now from this wider perspective? 00:12:35.991 --> 00:12:38.230 That's why, when I see people who are depressed, 00:12:38.254 --> 00:12:39.405 I sometimes say, 00:12:39.429 --> 00:12:42.548 "You are not the best person to talk to you about you right now," 00:12:42.572 --> 00:12:45.646 because depression distorts our stories in a very particular way. 00:12:45.670 --> 00:12:47.226 It narrows our perspectives. 00:12:47.250 --> 00:12:50.583 The same is true when we feel lonely or hurt or rejected. 00:12:50.607 --> 00:12:52.226 We create all kinds of stories, 00:12:52.250 --> 00:12:54.029 distorted through a very narrow lens 00:12:54.053 --> 00:12:56.370 that we don't even know we're looking through. 00:12:56.680 --> 00:13:00.434 And then, we've effectively become our own fake-news broadcasters. NOTE Paragraph 00:13:01.482 --> 00:13:03.348 I have a confession to make. 00:13:03.998 --> 00:13:07.016 I wrote the husband's version of the letter I read you. 00:13:07.040 --> 00:13:08.865 You have no idea how much time I spent 00:13:08.889 --> 00:13:11.326 debating between granola and pita chips, by the way. 00:13:11.350 --> 00:13:14.488 I wrote it based on all of the alternative narratives 00:13:14.512 --> 00:13:15.956 that I've seen over the years, 00:13:15.980 --> 00:13:19.699 not just in my therapy practice, but also in my column. 00:13:19.723 --> 00:13:20.960 When it's happened 00:13:20.984 --> 00:13:23.230 that two people involved in the same situation 00:13:23.254 --> 00:13:25.730 have written to me, unbeknownst to the other, 00:13:25.754 --> 00:13:27.746 and I have two versions of the same story 00:13:27.770 --> 00:13:29.103 sitting in my inbox. 00:13:29.546 --> 00:13:31.234 That really has happened. 00:13:31.901 --> 00:13:34.828 I don't know what the other version of this woman's letter is, 00:13:34.852 --> 00:13:36.321 but I do know this: 00:13:36.345 --> 00:13:37.678 she has to write it. 00:13:38.082 --> 00:13:40.127 Because with a courageous edit, 00:13:40.151 --> 00:13:43.953 she'll write a much more nuanced version of her letter that she wrote to me. 00:13:43.977 --> 00:13:46.603 Even if her husband is having an affair of any kind -- 00:13:46.627 --> 00:13:48.357 and maybe he is -- 00:13:48.381 --> 00:13:51.444 she doesn't need to know what the plot is yet. 00:13:52.096 --> 00:13:54.984 Because just by virtue of doing an edit, 00:13:55.008 --> 00:13:58.320 she'll have so many more possibilities for what the plot can become. NOTE Paragraph 00:13:59.277 --> 00:14:02.832 Now, sometimes it happens that I see people who are really stuck, 00:14:02.856 --> 00:14:05.784 and they're really invested in their stuckness. 00:14:06.126 --> 00:14:08.702 We call them help-rejecting complainers. 00:14:08.726 --> 00:14:10.400 I'm sure you know people like this. 00:14:10.424 --> 00:14:13.480 They're the people who, when you try to offer them a suggestion, 00:14:13.504 --> 00:14:18.353 they reject it with, "Yeah, no, that will never work, because ..." 00:14:18.801 --> 00:14:22.119 "Yeah, no, that's impossible, because I can't do that." 00:14:22.143 --> 00:14:26.349 "Yeah, I really want more friends, but people are just so annoying." NOTE Paragraph 00:14:26.373 --> 00:14:28.421 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:14:28.445 --> 00:14:30.222 What they're really rejecting 00:14:30.246 --> 00:14:33.646 is an edit to their story of misery and stuckness. 00:14:34.300 --> 00:14:37.514 And so, with these people, I usually take a different approach. 00:14:37.538 --> 00:14:40.197 And what I do is I say something else. 00:14:40.221 --> 00:14:42.228 I say to them, 00:14:42.252 --> 00:14:44.148 "We're all going to die." 00:14:44.834 --> 00:14:47.603 I bet you're really glad I'm not your therapist right now. 00:14:48.056 --> 00:14:49.405 Because they look back at me 00:14:49.429 --> 00:14:51.500 the way you're looking back at me right now, 00:14:51.524 --> 00:14:53.183 with this look of utter confusion. 00:14:53.207 --> 00:14:55.302 But then I explain that there's a story 00:14:55.326 --> 00:14:58.103 that gets written about all of us, eventually. 00:14:58.127 --> 00:14:59.727 It's called an obituary. 00:15:00.603 --> 00:15:05.016 And I say that instead of being authors of our own unhappiness, 00:15:05.040 --> 00:15:08.325 we get to shape these stories while we're still alive. 00:15:09.016 --> 00:15:11.643 We get to be the hero and not the victim in our stories, 00:15:11.667 --> 00:15:14.572 we get to choose what goes on the page that lives in our minds 00:15:14.596 --> 00:15:16.263 and shapes our realities. 00:15:17.096 --> 00:15:20.959 I tell them that life is about deciding which stories to listen to 00:15:20.983 --> 00:15:22.665 and which ones need an edit. 00:15:22.689 --> 00:15:25.705 And that it's worth the effort to go through a revision 00:15:25.729 --> 00:15:28.895 because there's nothing more important to the quality of our lives 00:15:28.919 --> 00:15:31.103 than the stories we tell ourselves about them. 00:15:31.127 --> 00:15:34.468 I say that when it comes to the stories of our lives, 00:15:34.492 --> 00:15:38.373 we should be aiming for our own personal Pulitzer Prize. NOTE Paragraph 00:15:38.397 --> 00:15:41.266 Now, most of us aren't help-rejecting complainers, 00:15:41.290 --> 00:15:43.643 or at least we don't believe we are. 00:15:43.667 --> 00:15:46.294 But it's a role that is so easy to slip into 00:15:46.318 --> 00:15:49.529 when we feel anxious or angry or vulnerable. 00:15:49.553 --> 00:15:52.116 So the next time you're struggling with something, 00:15:52.140 --> 00:15:53.569 remember, 00:15:53.593 --> 00:15:55.116 we're all going to die. NOTE Paragraph 00:15:55.140 --> 00:15:56.569 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:15:56.593 --> 00:15:59.101 And then pull out your editing tools 00:15:59.125 --> 00:16:00.744 and ask yourself: 00:16:00.768 --> 00:16:03.720 what do I want my story to be? 00:16:04.929 --> 00:16:08.335 And then, go write your masterpiece. NOTE Paragraph 00:16:08.716 --> 00:16:09.875 Thank you. NOTE Paragraph 00:16:09.899 --> 00:16:12.526 (Applause)