0:00:00.873,0:00:03.135 I'm going to start[br]by telling you about an email 0:00:03.159,0:00:04.968 that I saw in my inbox recently. 0:00:05.342,0:00:08.167 Now, I have a pretty unusual inbox 0:00:08.191,0:00:09.627 because I'm a therapist 0:00:09.651,0:00:13.095 and I write an advice column[br]called "Dear Therapist," 0:00:13.119,0:00:15.563 so you can imagine what's in there. 0:00:15.587,0:00:19.818 I mean, I've read thousands[br]of very personal letters 0:00:19.842,0:00:22.108 from strangers all over the world. 0:00:22.555,0:00:24.848 And these letters range[br]from heartbreak and loss, 0:00:24.872,0:00:27.222 to spats with parents or siblings. 0:00:27.246,0:00:29.647 I keep them in a folder on my laptop, 0:00:29.671,0:00:32.404 and I've named it[br]"The Problems of Living." 0:00:32.428,0:00:35.833 So, I get this email,[br]I get lots of emails just like this, 0:00:35.857,0:00:38.215 and I want to bring you[br]into my world for a second 0:00:38.239,0:00:40.468 and read you one of these letters. 0:00:40.492,0:00:42.026 And here's how it goes. 0:00:46.698,0:00:48.475 "Dear Therapist, 0:00:48.499,0:00:49.936 I've been married for 10 years 0:00:49.960,0:00:52.642 and things were good[br]until a couple of years ago. 0:00:52.666,0:00:55.437 That's when my husband[br]stopped wanting to have sex as much, 0:00:55.461,0:00:57.310 and now we barely have sex at all." 0:00:57.334,0:00:59.349 I'm sure you guys were not expecting this. 0:00:59.373,0:01:00.374 (Laughter) 0:01:00.398,0:01:03.637 "Well, last night I discovered[br]that for the past few months, 0:01:03.661,0:01:06.202 he's been secretly having[br]long, late-night phone calls 0:01:06.226,0:01:07.992 with a woman at his office. 0:01:08.016,0:01:10.472 I googled her, and she's gorgeous. 0:01:10.496,0:01:12.290 I can't believe this is happening. 0:01:12.314,0:01:14.988 My father had an affair[br]with a coworker when I was young 0:01:15.012,0:01:17.115 and it broke our family apart. 0:01:17.139,0:01:19.504 Needless to say, I'm devastated. 0:01:19.528,0:01:20.865 If I stay in this marriage, 0:01:20.889,0:01:23.000 I'll never be able[br]to trust my husband again. 0:01:23.024,0:01:25.413 But I don't want to put our kids[br]through a divorce, 0:01:25.437,0:01:27.278 stepmom situation, etc. 0:01:27.302,0:01:28.502 What should I do?" 0:01:30.743,0:01:33.901 Well, what do you think she should do? 0:01:34.727,0:01:35.965 If you got this letter, 0:01:35.989,0:01:39.457 you might be thinking[br]about how painful infidelity is. 0:01:39.802,0:01:42.937 Or maybe about how especially[br]painful it is here 0:01:42.961,0:01:45.627 because of her experience[br]growing up with her father. 0:01:46.040,0:01:48.902 And like me, you'd probably[br]have some empathy for this woman, 0:01:48.926,0:01:50.338 and you might even have some, 0:01:50.362,0:01:51.806 how should I put this nicely, 0:01:51.830,0:01:55.084 let's just call them "not-so-positive"[br]feelings for her husband. 0:01:55.108,0:01:58.064 Now, those are the kinds of things[br]that go through my mind too, 0:01:58.088,0:02:00.096 when I'm reading[br]these letters in my inbox. 0:02:00.120,0:02:03.199 But I have to be really careful[br]when I respond to these letters 0:02:03.223,0:02:07.198 because I know that every letter I get[br]is actually just a story 0:02:07.222,0:02:09.150 written by a specific author. 0:02:09.174,0:02:12.222 And that another version[br]of this story also exists. 0:02:12.246,0:02:13.666 It always does. 0:02:14.166,0:02:15.326 And I know this 0:02:15.350,0:02:17.602 because if I've learned[br]anything as a therapist, 0:02:17.626,0:02:20.957 it's that we are all unreliable[br]narrators of our own lives. 0:02:21.306,0:02:22.456 I am. 0:02:22.973,0:02:24.123 You are. 0:02:24.497,0:02:26.730 And so is everyone you know. 0:02:26.754,0:02:28.714 Which I probably shouldn't have told you 0:02:28.738,0:02:31.222 because now you're not[br]going to believe my TED Talk. 0:02:31.246,0:02:33.611 Look, I don't mean[br]that we purposely mislead. 0:02:33.635,0:02:36.747 Most of what people tell me[br]is absolutely true, 0:02:36.771,0:02:39.032 just from their current points of view. 0:02:39.056,0:02:41.484 Depending on what[br]they emphasize or minimize, 0:02:41.508,0:02:43.417 what they leave in, what they leave out, 0:02:43.441,0:02:45.457 what they see and want me to see, 0:02:45.481,0:02:48.155 they tell their stories[br]in a particular way. 0:02:48.179,0:02:51.418 The psychologist Jerome Bruner[br]described this beautifully -- he said, 0:02:51.442,0:02:55.601 "To tell a story is, inescapably,[br]to take a moral stance." 0:02:55.966,0:02:58.601 All of us walk around[br]with stories about our lives. 0:02:58.625,0:03:01.061 Why choices were made,[br]why things went wrong, 0:03:01.085,0:03:02.958 why we treated someone a certain way -- 0:03:02.982,0:03:04.975 because obviously, they deserved it -- 0:03:04.999,0:03:06.937 why someone treated us a certain way -- 0:03:06.961,0:03:08.699 even though, obviously, we didn't. 0:03:08.723,0:03:11.675 Stories are the way[br]we make sense of our lives. 0:03:11.699,0:03:14.389 But what happens when the stories we tell 0:03:14.413,0:03:17.936 are misleading or incomplete[br]or just wrong? 0:03:18.929,0:03:20.609 Well, instead of providing clarity, 0:03:20.633,0:03:22.491 these stories keep us stuck. 0:03:22.515,0:03:25.737 We assume that our circumstances[br]shape our stories. 0:03:26.230,0:03:28.263 But what I found time and again in my work 0:03:28.287,0:03:30.238 is that the exact opposite happens. 0:03:30.262,0:03:33.857 The way we narrate our lives[br]shapes what they become. 0:03:34.989,0:03:36.568 That's the danger of our stories, 0:03:36.592,0:03:38.274 because they can really mess us up, 0:03:38.298,0:03:39.544 but it's also their power. 0:03:39.568,0:03:42.552 Because what it means[br]is that if we can change our stories, 0:03:42.576,0:03:44.631 then we can change our lives. 0:03:44.655,0:03:46.552 And today, I want to show you how. 0:03:47.624,0:03:49.457 Now, I told you I'm a therapist, 0:03:49.481,0:03:52.354 and I really am, I'm not being[br]an unreliable narrator. 0:03:52.378,0:03:54.584 But if I'm, let's say, on an airplane, 0:03:54.608,0:03:56.489 and someone asks what I do, 0:03:56.513,0:03:58.637 I usually say I'm an editor. 0:03:59.017,0:04:01.589 And I say that partly[br]because if I say I'm a therapist, 0:04:01.613,0:04:04.597 I always get some awkward response, like, 0:04:04.621,0:04:06.296 "Oh, a therapist. 0:04:06.320,0:04:08.468 Are you going to psychoanalyze me?" 0:04:08.492,0:04:10.056 And I'm thinking, "A : no, 0:04:10.080,0:04:12.484 and B: why would I do that here? 0:04:12.508,0:04:14.008 If I said I was a gynecologist, 0:04:14.032,0:04:16.699 would you ask if I were[br]about to give you a pelvic exam?" 0:04:16.723,0:04:18.698 (Laughter) 0:04:19.207,0:04:21.469 But the main reason I say I'm an editor 0:04:21.493,0:04:23.017 is because it's true. 0:04:23.041,0:04:25.722 Now, it's the job of all therapists[br]to help people edit, 0:04:25.746,0:04:28.856 but what's interesting[br]about my specific role as Dear Therapist 0:04:28.880,0:04:31.571 is that when I edit,[br]I'm not just editing for one person. 0:04:31.595,0:04:34.269 I'm trying to teach a whole group[br]of readers how to edit, 0:04:34.293,0:04:36.301 using one letter each week as the example. 0:04:36.325,0:04:37.968 So I'm thinking about things like, 0:04:37.992,0:04:39.770 "What material is extraneous?" 0:04:39.794,0:04:43.040 "Is the protagonist moving forward[br]or going in circles, 0:04:43.064,0:04:46.207 are the supporting characters important[br]or are they a distraction?" 0:04:46.231,0:04:48.364 "Do the plot points reveal a theme?" 0:04:48.699,0:04:50.254 And what I've noticed 0:04:50.278,0:04:54.278 is that most people's stories[br]tend to circle around two key themes. 0:04:54.302,0:04:55.778 The first is freedom, 0:04:55.802,0:04:57.579 and the second is change. 0:04:57.603,0:04:58.833 And when I edit, 0:04:58.857,0:05:00.949 those are the themes that I start with. 0:05:00.973,0:05:03.671 So, let's take a look[br]at freedom for a second. 0:05:03.695,0:05:06.449 Our stories about freedom go like this: 0:05:06.473,0:05:08.338 we believe, in general, 0:05:08.362,0:05:11.750 that we have an enormous[br]amount of freedom. 0:05:12.317,0:05:14.397 Except when it comes[br]to the problem at hand, 0:05:14.421,0:05:16.921 in which case, suddenly,[br]we feel like we have none. 0:05:16.945,0:05:19.603 Many of our stories[br]are about feeling trapped, right? 0:05:19.627,0:05:22.102 We feel imprisoned[br]by our families, our jobs, 0:05:22.126,0:05:24.238 our relationships, our pasts. 0:05:24.599,0:05:28.266 Sometimes, we even imprison ourselves[br]with a narrative of self-flagellation -- 0:05:28.290,0:05:30.179 I know you guys all know these stories. 0:05:30.203,0:05:32.452 The "everyone's life[br]is better than mine" story, 0:05:32.476,0:05:33.722 courtesy of social media. 0:05:33.746,0:05:36.318 The "I'm an impostor" story,[br]the "I'm unlovable" story, 0:05:36.342,0:05:38.540 the "nothing will ever[br]work out for me" story. 0:05:38.564,0:05:41.101 The "when I say, 'Hey, Siri, '[br]and she doesn't answer, 0:05:41.125,0:05:42.642 that means she hates me" story. 0:05:42.666,0:05:44.727 I see you, see, I'm not the only one. 0:05:45.532,0:05:47.437 The woman who wrote me that letter, 0:05:47.461,0:05:49.349 she also feels trapped. 0:05:49.373,0:05:52.222 If she stays with her husband,[br]she'll never trust him again, 0:05:52.246,0:05:54.651 but if she leaves,[br]her children will suffer. 0:05:55.040,0:05:57.920 Now, there's a cartoon[br]that I think is a perfect example 0:05:57.944,0:06:00.468 of what's really going on[br]in these stories. 0:06:00.492,0:06:02.898 The cartoon shows a prisoner[br]shaking the bars, 0:06:02.922,0:06:04.944 desperately trying to get out. 0:06:04.968,0:06:07.159 But on the right and the left, it's open. 0:06:07.183,0:06:08.944 No bars. 0:06:08.968,0:06:11.174 The prisoner isn't in jail. 0:06:11.977,0:06:13.152 That's most of us. 0:06:13.176,0:06:14.779 We feel completely trapped, 0:06:14.803,0:06:16.898 stuck in our emotional jail cells. 0:06:16.922,0:06:19.041 But we don't walk[br]around the bars to freedom 0:06:19.065,0:06:21.199 because we know there's a catch. 0:06:21.223,0:06:23.489 Freedom comes with responsibility. 0:06:23.802,0:06:27.651 And if we take responsibility[br]for our role in the story, 0:06:27.675,0:06:29.794 we might just have to change. 0:06:29.818,0:06:33.056 And that's the other common theme[br]that I see in our stories: change. 0:06:33.080,0:06:34.556 Those stories sound like this: 0:06:34.580,0:06:36.786 a person says, "I want to change." 0:06:36.810,0:06:38.777 But what they really mean is, 0:06:38.801,0:06:42.024 "I want another character[br]in the story to change." 0:06:42.476,0:06:44.206 Therapists describe this dilemma as: 0:06:44.230,0:06:46.738 "If the queen had balls,[br]she'd be the king." 0:06:46.762,0:06:47.921 I mean -- 0:06:47.945,0:06:48.945 (Laughter) 0:06:48.969,0:06:50.873 It makes no sense, right? 0:06:51.923,0:06:53.907 Why wouldn't we want the protagonist, 0:06:53.931,0:06:56.336 who's the hero of the story, to change? 0:06:56.360,0:06:57.987 Well, it might be because change, 0:06:58.011,0:06:59.741 even really positive change, 0:06:59.765,0:07:02.357 involves a surprising amount of loss. 0:07:02.381,0:07:03.992 Loss of the familiar. 0:07:04.016,0:07:07.349 Even if the familiar is unpleasant[br]or utterly miserable, 0:07:07.373,0:07:09.857 at least we know the characters[br]and setting and plot, 0:07:09.881,0:07:12.294 right down to the recurring[br]dialogue in this story. 0:07:12.318,0:07:13.636 "You never do the laundry!" 0:07:13.660,0:07:14.873 "I did it last time!" 0:07:14.897,0:07:16.061 "Oh, yeah? When?" 0:07:16.085,0:07:17.816 There's something oddly comforting 0:07:17.840,0:07:20.190 about knowing exactly[br]how the story is going to go 0:07:20.214,0:07:21.666 every single time. 0:07:22.170,0:07:25.686 To write a new chapter[br]is to venture into the unknown. 0:07:25.710,0:07:27.916 It's to stare at a blank page. 0:07:27.940,0:07:29.503 And as any writer will tell you, 0:07:29.527,0:07:32.098 there's nothing more terrifying[br]than a blank page. 0:07:32.476,0:07:33.913 But here's the thing. 0:07:33.937,0:07:35.960 Once we edit our story, 0:07:35.984,0:07:39.118 the next chapter[br]becomes much easier to write. 0:07:39.459,0:07:42.753 We talk so much in our culture[br]about getting to know ourselves. 0:07:42.777,0:07:46.364 But part of getting to know yourself[br]is to unknow yourself. 0:07:46.388,0:07:49.976 To let go of the one version of the story[br]you've been telling yourself 0:07:50.000,0:07:51.826 so that you can live your life, 0:07:51.850,0:07:54.246 and not the story[br]that you've been telling yourself 0:07:54.270,0:07:55.420 about your life. 0:07:55.897,0:07:58.733 And that's how we walk around those bars. 0:07:59.297,0:08:02.638 So I want to go back to the letter[br]from the woman, about the affair. 0:08:02.662,0:08:04.773 She asked me what she should do. 0:08:04.797,0:08:07.246 Now, I have this word[br]taped up in my office: 0:08:07.270,0:08:09.254 ultracrepidarianism. 0:08:09.278,0:08:13.873 The habit of giving advice or opinions[br]outside of one's knowledge or competence. 0:08:13.897,0:08:15.175 It's a great word, right? 0:08:15.199,0:08:17.160 You can use it in all different contexts, 0:08:17.184,0:08:19.595 I'm sure you will be using it[br]after this TED Talk. 0:08:19.619,0:08:22.530 I use it because it reminds me[br]that as a therapist, 0:08:22.554,0:08:24.936 I can help people to sort out[br]what they want to do, 0:08:24.960,0:08:27.428 but I can't make[br]their life choices for them. 0:08:27.754,0:08:30.373 Only you can write your story, 0:08:30.397,0:08:32.500 and all you need are some tools. 0:08:32.524,0:08:33.815 So what I want to do 0:08:33.839,0:08:36.632 is I want to edit this woman's letter[br]together, right here, 0:08:36.656,0:08:39.688 as a way to show[br]how we can all revise our stories. 0:08:39.998,0:08:42.172 And I want to start by asking you 0:08:42.196,0:08:45.632 to think of a story[br]that you're telling yourself right now 0:08:45.656,0:08:47.777 that might not be serving you well. 0:08:47.801,0:08:50.865 It might be about a circumstance[br]you're experiencing, 0:08:50.889,0:08:53.317 it might be about a person in your life, 0:08:53.341,0:08:55.309 it might even be about yourself. 0:08:55.793,0:08:58.725 And I want you to look[br]at the supporting characters. 0:08:58.749,0:09:00.574 Who are the people who are helping you 0:09:00.598,0:09:03.677 to uphold the wrong version of this story? 0:09:04.202,0:09:06.615 For instance, if the woman[br]who wrote me that letter 0:09:06.639,0:09:08.162 told her friends what happened, 0:09:08.186,0:09:11.191 they would probably offer her[br]what's called "idiot compassion." 0:09:11.215,0:09:13.715 Now, in idiot compassion,[br]we go along with the story, 0:09:13.739,0:09:16.095 we say, "You're right, that's so unfair," 0:09:16.119,0:09:19.230 when a friend tells us that he didn't[br]get the promotion he wanted, 0:09:19.254,0:09:22.025 even though we know this has happened[br]several times before 0:09:22.049,0:09:24.097 because he doesn't really[br]put in the effort, 0:09:24.121,0:09:26.188 and he probably[br]also steals office supplies. 0:09:26.212,0:09:27.212 (Laughter) 0:09:27.236,0:09:29.782 We say, "Yeah, you're right, he's a jerk," 0:09:29.806,0:09:32.803 when a friend tells us[br]that her boyfriend broke up with her, 0:09:32.827,0:09:35.033 even though we know[br]that there are certain ways 0:09:35.057,0:09:36.841 she tends to behave in relationships, 0:09:36.865,0:09:39.691 like the incessant texting[br]or the going through his drawers, 0:09:39.715,0:09:41.405 that tend to lead to this outcome. 0:09:41.429,0:09:43.079 We see the problem, it's like, 0:09:43.103,0:09:45.508 if a fight breaks out[br]in every bar you're going to, 0:09:45.532,0:09:46.683 it might be you. 0:09:46.707,0:09:48.968 (Laughter) 0:09:48.992,0:09:52.691 In order to be good editors,[br]we need to offer wise compassion, 0:09:52.715,0:09:55.216 not just to our friends, but to ourselves. 0:09:55.240,0:09:58.193 This is what's called --[br]I think the technical term might be -- 0:09:58.217,0:10:00.684 "delivering compassionate truth bombs." 0:10:01.024,0:10:02.953 And these truth bombs are compassionate, 0:10:02.977,0:10:05.856 because they help us to see[br]what we've left out of the story. 0:10:05.880,0:10:07.040 The truth is, 0:10:07.064,0:10:09.786 we don't know if this woman's husband[br]is having an affair, 0:10:09.810,0:10:12.558 or why their sex life[br]changed two years ago, 0:10:12.582,0:10:15.709 or what those late-night[br]phone calls are really about. 0:10:15.733,0:10:17.844 And it might be[br]that because of her history, 0:10:17.868,0:10:20.479 she's writing a singular[br]story of betrayal, 0:10:20.503,0:10:22.405 but there's probably something else 0:10:22.429,0:10:25.373 that she's not willing[br]to let me, in her letter, 0:10:25.397,0:10:27.397 or maybe even herself, to see. 0:10:28.143,0:10:30.452 It's like that guy[br]who's taking a Rorschach test. 0:10:30.476,0:10:32.326 You all know what Rorschach tests are? 0:10:32.350,0:10:35.334 A psychologist shows you some ink blots,[br]they look like that, 0:10:35.358,0:10:37.844 and asks, "What do you see?" 0:10:38.287,0:10:40.763 So the guy looks[br]at his ink blot and he says, 0:10:40.787,0:10:44.304 "Well, I definitely don't see blood." 0:10:45.675,0:10:47.334 And the examiner says, 0:10:47.358,0:10:50.812 "Alright, tell me what else[br]you definitely don't see." 0:10:51.622,0:10:53.932 In writing, this is called point of view. 0:10:53.956,0:10:56.709 What is the narrator not willing to see? 0:10:56.733,0:10:59.709 So, I want to read you one more letter. 0:11:00.797,0:11:03.042 And it goes like this. 0:11:04.860,0:11:06.503 "Dear Therapist, 0:11:07.701,0:11:09.597 I need help with my wife. 0:11:09.621,0:11:11.525 Lately, everything I do irritates her, 0:11:11.549,0:11:14.621 even small things, like the noise[br]I make when I chew. 0:11:15.214,0:11:16.397 At breakfast, 0:11:16.421,0:11:19.731 I noticed that she even tries[br]to secretly put extra milk in my granola 0:11:19.755,0:11:21.041 so it won't be as crunchy." 0:11:21.065,0:11:22.445 (Laughter) 0:11:22.469,0:11:26.580 "I feel like she became critical of me[br]after my father died two years ago. 0:11:26.604,0:11:27.882 I was very close with him, 0:11:27.906,0:11:29.794 and her father left when she was young, 0:11:29.818,0:11:32.381 so she couldn't relate[br]to what I was going through. 0:11:32.405,0:11:35.238 There's a friend at work[br]whose father died a few months ago, 0:11:35.262,0:11:36.952 and who understands my grief. 0:11:36.976,0:11:40.064 I wish I could talk to my wife[br]like I talk to my friend, 0:11:40.088,0:11:42.818 but I feel like she barely[br]tolerates me now. 0:11:42.842,0:11:44.708 How can I get my wife back?" 0:11:45.318,0:11:46.468 OK. 0:11:46.961,0:11:49.326 So, what you probably picked up on 0:11:49.350,0:11:52.278 is that this is the same story[br]I read you earlier, 0:11:52.302,0:11:54.873 just told from another[br]narrator's point of view. 0:11:54.897,0:11:57.294 Her story was about[br]a husband who's cheating, 0:11:57.318,0:12:00.666 his story is about a wife[br]who can't understand his grief. 0:12:01.159,0:12:04.477 But what's remarkable,[br]is that for all of their differences, 0:12:04.501,0:12:08.405 what both of these stories are about[br]is a longing for connection. 0:12:08.825,0:12:11.206 And if we can get out[br]of the first-person narration 0:12:11.230,0:12:13.952 and write the story[br]from another character's perspective, 0:12:13.976,0:12:16.849 suddenly that other character[br]becomes much more sympathetic, 0:12:16.873,0:12:18.674 and the plot opens up. 0:12:19.342,0:12:22.143 That's the hardest step[br]in the editing process, 0:12:22.167,0:12:24.434 but it's also where change begins. 0:12:24.786,0:12:28.326 What would happen[br]if you looked at your story 0:12:28.350,0:12:31.238 and wrote it from another[br]person's point of view? 0:12:31.667,0:12:35.127 What would you see now[br]from this wider perspective? 0:12:35.991,0:12:38.230 That's why, when I see people[br]who are depressed, 0:12:38.254,0:12:39.405 I sometimes say, 0:12:39.429,0:12:42.548 "You are not the best person[br]to talk to you about you right now," 0:12:42.572,0:12:45.646 because depression distorts our stories[br]in a very particular way. 0:12:45.670,0:12:47.226 It narrows our perspectives. 0:12:47.250,0:12:50.583 The same is true when we feel[br]lonely or hurt or rejected. 0:12:50.607,0:12:52.226 We create all kinds of stories, 0:12:52.250,0:12:54.029 distorted through a very narrow lens 0:12:54.053,0:12:56.370 that we don't even know[br]we're looking through. 0:12:56.680,0:13:00.434 And then, we've effectively become[br]our own fake-news broadcasters. 0:13:01.482,0:13:03.348 I have a confession to make. 0:13:03.998,0:13:07.016 I wrote the husband's version[br]of the letter I read you. 0:13:07.040,0:13:08.865 You have no idea how much time I spent 0:13:08.889,0:13:11.326 debating between granola[br]and pita chips, by the way. 0:13:11.350,0:13:14.488 I wrote it based on all[br]of the alternative narratives 0:13:14.512,0:13:15.956 that I've seen over the years, 0:13:15.980,0:13:19.699 not just in my therapy practice,[br]but also in my column. 0:13:19.723,0:13:20.960 When it's happened 0:13:20.984,0:13:23.230 that two people involved[br]in the same situation 0:13:23.254,0:13:25.730 have written to me,[br]unbeknownst to the other, 0:13:25.754,0:13:27.746 and I have two versions of the same story 0:13:27.770,0:13:29.103 sitting in my inbox. 0:13:29.546,0:13:31.234 That really has happened. 0:13:31.901,0:13:34.828 I don't know what the other version[br]of this woman's letter is, 0:13:34.852,0:13:36.321 but I do know this: 0:13:36.345,0:13:37.678 she has to write it. 0:13:38.082,0:13:40.127 Because with a courageous edit, 0:13:40.151,0:13:43.953 she'll write a much more nuanced version[br]of her letter that she wrote to me. 0:13:43.977,0:13:46.603 Even if her husband[br]is having an affair of any kind -- 0:13:46.627,0:13:48.357 and maybe he is -- 0:13:48.381,0:13:51.444 she doesn't need to know[br]what the plot is yet. 0:13:52.096,0:13:54.984 Because just by virtue of doing an edit, 0:13:55.008,0:13:58.320 she'll have so many more possibilities[br]for what the plot can become. 0:13:59.277,0:14:02.832 Now, sometimes it happens[br]that I see people who are really stuck, 0:14:02.856,0:14:05.784 and they're really invested[br]in their stuckness. 0:14:06.126,0:14:08.702 We call them help-rejecting complainers. 0:14:08.726,0:14:10.400 I'm sure you know people like this. 0:14:10.424,0:14:13.480 They're the people who,[br]when you try to offer them a suggestion, 0:14:13.504,0:14:18.353 they reject it with, "Yeah, no,[br]that will never work, because ..." 0:14:18.801,0:14:22.119 "Yeah, no, that's impossible,[br]because I can't do that." 0:14:22.143,0:14:26.349 "Yeah, I really want more friends,[br]but people are just so annoying." 0:14:26.373,0:14:28.421 (Laughter) 0:14:28.445,0:14:30.222 What they're really rejecting 0:14:30.246,0:14:33.646 is an edit to their story[br]of misery and stuckness. 0:14:34.300,0:14:37.514 And so, with these people,[br]I usually take a different approach. 0:14:37.538,0:14:40.197 And what I do is I say something else. 0:14:40.221,0:14:42.228 I say to them, 0:14:42.252,0:14:44.148 "We're all going to die." 0:14:44.834,0:14:47.603 I bet you're really glad[br]I'm not your therapist right now. 0:14:48.056,0:14:49.405 Because they look back at me 0:14:49.429,0:14:51.500 the way you're looking back[br]at me right now, 0:14:51.524,0:14:53.183 with this look of utter confusion. 0:14:53.207,0:14:55.302 But then I explain that there's a story 0:14:55.326,0:14:58.103 that gets written[br]about all of us, eventually. 0:14:58.127,0:14:59.727 It's called an obituary. 0:15:00.603,0:15:05.016 And I say that instead of being[br]authors of our own unhappiness, 0:15:05.040,0:15:08.325 we get to shape these stories[br]while we're still alive. 0:15:09.016,0:15:11.643 We get to be the hero[br]and not the victim in our stories, 0:15:11.667,0:15:14.572 we get to choose what goes on the page[br]that lives in our minds 0:15:14.596,0:15:16.263 and shapes our realities. 0:15:17.096,0:15:20.959 I tell them that life is about deciding[br]which stories to listen to 0:15:20.983,0:15:22.665 and which ones need an edit. 0:15:22.689,0:15:25.705 And that it's worth the effort[br]to go through a revision 0:15:25.729,0:15:28.895 because there's nothing more important[br]to the quality of our lives 0:15:28.919,0:15:31.103 than the stories[br]we tell ourselves about them. 0:15:31.127,0:15:34.468 I say that when it comes[br]to the stories of our lives, 0:15:34.492,0:15:38.373 we should be aiming for our own[br]personal Pulitzer Prize. 0:15:38.397,0:15:41.266 Now, most of us aren't[br]help-rejecting complainers, 0:15:41.290,0:15:43.643 or at least we don't believe we are. 0:15:43.667,0:15:46.294 But it's a role[br]that is so easy to slip into 0:15:46.318,0:15:49.529 when we feel anxious[br]or angry or vulnerable. 0:15:49.553,0:15:52.116 So the next time[br]you're struggling with something, 0:15:52.140,0:15:53.569 remember, 0:15:53.593,0:15:55.116 we're all going to die. 0:15:55.140,0:15:56.569 (Laughter) 0:15:56.593,0:15:59.101 And then pull out your editing tools 0:15:59.125,0:16:00.744 and ask yourself: 0:16:00.768,0:16:03.720 what do I want my story to be? 0:16:04.929,0:16:08.335 And then, go write your masterpiece. 0:16:08.716,0:16:09.875 Thank you. 0:16:09.899,0:16:12.526 (Applause)