0:00:01.976,0:00:04.889 So I'm going to talk[br]about photosynthesis today. 0:00:04.913,0:00:07.539 No, I'm actually not going to talk[br]about photosynthesis, 0:00:07.563,0:00:09.278 I'm the only non-DuPont person here, 0:00:09.302,0:00:11.649 and I thought I should try[br]to be a little sciency. 0:00:11.673,0:00:14.445 It's all I've got -- Krebs cycle,[br]molecules, I don't know. 0:00:14.469,0:00:15.619 (Laughter) 0:00:16.450,0:00:18.712 I'm going to start[br]by telling you about an email 0:00:18.736,0:00:20.545 that I saw in my inbox recently. 0:00:20.919,0:00:23.744 Now, I have a pretty unusual inbox, 0:00:23.768,0:00:25.204 because I'm a therapist 0:00:25.228,0:00:28.672 and I write an advice column[br]called "Dear Therapist," 0:00:28.696,0:00:31.140 so you can imagine what's in there. 0:00:31.164,0:00:35.395 I mean, I've read thousands[br]of very personal letters 0:00:35.419,0:00:37.685 from strangers all over the world. 0:00:38.132,0:00:40.425 And these letters range[br]from heartbreak and loss, 0:00:40.449,0:00:42.799 to spats with parents or siblings. 0:00:42.823,0:00:45.224 I keep them in a folder on my laptop, 0:00:45.248,0:00:47.981 and I've named it[br]"The Problems of Living." 0:00:48.005,0:00:51.410 So, I get this email,[br]I get lots of emails just like this, 0:00:51.434,0:00:53.792 and I want to bring you[br]into my world for a second 0:00:53.816,0:00:56.045 and read you one of these letters. 0:00:56.069,0:00:57.603 And here's how it goes. 0:01:02.275,0:01:04.052 "Dear Therapist, 0:01:04.076,0:01:05.513 I've been married for 10 years 0:01:05.537,0:01:08.219 and things were good[br]until a couple of years ago. 0:01:08.243,0:01:11.014 That's when my husband[br]stopped wanting to have sex as much, 0:01:11.038,0:01:12.887 and now we barely have sex at all." 0:01:12.911,0:01:14.926 I'm sure you guys were not expecting this. 0:01:14.950,0:01:15.951 (Laughter) 0:01:15.975,0:01:19.214 "Well, last night, I discovered[br]that for the past few months, 0:01:19.238,0:01:21.779 he's been secretly having[br]long, late-night phone calls 0:01:21.803,0:01:23.569 with a woman at his office. 0:01:23.593,0:01:26.049 I googled her, and she's gorgeous. 0:01:26.073,0:01:27.867 I can't believe this is happening. 0:01:27.891,0:01:30.565 My father had an affair[br]with a coworker when I was young, 0:01:30.589,0:01:32.692 and it broke our family apart. 0:01:32.716,0:01:35.081 Needless to say, I'm devastated. 0:01:35.105,0:01:36.442 If I stay in this marriage, 0:01:36.466,0:01:38.577 I'll never be able[br]to trust my husband again. 0:01:38.601,0:01:40.990 But I don't want to put our kids[br]through a divorce, 0:01:41.014,0:01:42.855 stepmom situation, etc. 0:01:42.879,0:01:44.079 What should I do?" 0:01:46.320,0:01:49.478 Well, what do you think she should do? 0:01:50.304,0:01:51.542 If you got this letter, 0:01:51.566,0:01:55.034 you might be thinking[br]about how painful infidelity is. 0:01:55.379,0:01:58.514 Or maybe about how especially[br]painful it is here, 0:01:58.538,0:02:01.204 because of her experience[br]growing up with her father. 0:02:01.617,0:02:04.479 And like me, you'd probably[br]have some empathy for this woman, 0:02:04.503,0:02:05.915 and you might even have some, 0:02:05.939,0:02:07.383 how should I put this nicely, 0:02:07.407,0:02:10.661 let's just call them "not-so-positive"[br]feelings for her husband. 0:02:10.685,0:02:13.641 Now, those are the kinds of things[br]that go through my mind too, 0:02:13.665,0:02:15.673 when I'm reading[br]these letters in my inbox. 0:02:15.697,0:02:18.776 But I have to be really careful[br]when I respond to these letters, 0:02:18.800,0:02:22.775 because I know that every letter I get[br]is actually just a story 0:02:22.799,0:02:24.727 written by a specific author. 0:02:24.751,0:02:27.799 And that another version[br]of this story also exists. 0:02:27.823,0:02:29.243 It always does. 0:02:29.743,0:02:30.903 And I know this, 0:02:30.927,0:02:33.179 because if I've learned[br]anything as a therapist, 0:02:33.203,0:02:36.534 it's that we are all unreliable[br]narrators of our own lives. 0:02:36.883,0:02:38.033 I am. 0:02:38.550,0:02:39.700 You are. 0:02:40.074,0:02:42.307 And so is everyone you know. 0:02:42.331,0:02:44.291 Which I probably shouldn't have told you, 0:02:44.315,0:02:46.799 because now you're not[br]going to believe my TED talk. 0:02:46.823,0:02:49.188 Look, I don't mean[br]that we purposely mislead. 0:02:49.212,0:02:52.324 Most of what people tell me[br]is absolutely true, 0:02:52.348,0:02:54.609 just from their current points of view. 0:02:54.633,0:02:57.061 Depending on what[br]they emphasize or minimize, 0:02:57.085,0:02:58.994 what they leave in, what they leave out, 0:02:59.018,0:03:01.034 what they see and want me to see, 0:03:01.058,0:03:03.732 they tell their stories[br]in a particular way. 0:03:03.756,0:03:06.995 The psychologist Jerome Bruner[br]described this beautifully -- he said, 0:03:07.019,0:03:11.178 "To tell a story is, inescapably,[br]to take a moral stance." 0:03:11.543,0:03:14.178 All of us walk around[br]with stories about our lives. 0:03:14.202,0:03:16.638 Why choices were made,[br]why things went wrong, 0:03:16.662,0:03:18.535 why we treated someone a certain way -- 0:03:18.559,0:03:20.552 because obviously, they deserved it -- 0:03:20.576,0:03:22.514 why someone treated us a certain way -- 0:03:22.538,0:03:24.276 even though, obviously, we didn't. 0:03:24.300,0:03:27.252 Stories are the way[br]we make sense of our lives. 0:03:27.276,0:03:29.966 But what happens when the stories we tell 0:03:29.990,0:03:33.513 are misleading or incomplete[br]or just wrong? 0:03:34.506,0:03:36.186 Well, instead of providing clarity, 0:03:36.210,0:03:38.068 these stories keep us stuck. 0:03:38.092,0:03:41.314 We assume that our circumstances[br]shape our stories. 0:03:41.807,0:03:43.840 But what I found time and again in my work 0:03:43.864,0:03:45.815 is that the exact opposite happens. 0:03:45.839,0:03:49.434 The way we narrate our lives[br]shapes what they become. 0:03:50.566,0:03:52.145 That's the danger of our stories, 0:03:52.169,0:03:53.851 because they can really mess us up, 0:03:53.875,0:03:55.121 but it's also their power. 0:03:55.145,0:03:58.129 Because what it means[br]is that if we can change our stories, 0:03:58.153,0:04:00.208 then we can change our lives. 0:04:00.232,0:04:02.129 And today, I want to show you how. 0:04:03.201,0:04:05.034 Now, I told you I'm a therapist, 0:04:05.058,0:04:07.931 and I really am, I'm not being[br]an unreliable narrator. 0:04:07.955,0:04:10.161 But if I'm, let's say, on an airplane, 0:04:10.185,0:04:12.066 and someone asks what I do, 0:04:12.090,0:04:14.214 I usually say I'm an editor. 0:04:14.594,0:04:17.166 And I say that partly[br]because if I say I'm a therapist, 0:04:17.190,0:04:20.174 I always get some awkward response, like, 0:04:20.198,0:04:21.873 "Oh, a therapist. 0:04:21.897,0:04:24.045 Are you going to psychoanalyze me?" 0:04:24.069,0:04:25.633 And I'm thinking, "A -- no, 0:04:25.657,0:04:28.061 and B -- why would I do that here? 0:04:28.085,0:04:29.585 If I said I was a gynecologist, 0:04:29.609,0:04:32.276 would you ask if I were[br]about to give you a pelvic exam?" 0:04:32.300,0:04:34.275 (Laughter) 0:04:34.784,0:04:37.046 But the main reason I say I'm an editor 0:04:37.070,0:04:38.594 is because it's true. 0:04:38.618,0:04:41.299 Now, it's the job of all therapists[br]to help people edit, 0:04:41.323,0:04:44.433 but what's interesting[br]about my specific role as Dear Therapist 0:04:44.457,0:04:47.148 is that when I edit,[br]I'm not just editing for one person. 0:04:47.172,0:04:49.846 I'm trying to teach a whole group[br]of readers how to edit, 0:04:49.870,0:04:51.878 using one letter each week as the example. 0:04:51.902,0:04:53.545 So I'm thinking about things like, 0:04:53.569,0:04:55.347 "What material is extraneous?" 0:04:55.371,0:04:58.617 "Is the protagonist moving forward[br]or going in circles, 0:04:58.641,0:05:01.784 are the supporting characters important[br]or are they a distraction?" 0:05:01.808,0:05:03.941 "Do the plot points reveal a theme?" 0:05:04.276,0:05:05.831 And what I've noticed 0:05:05.855,0:05:09.855 is that most people's stories[br]tend to circle around two key themes. 0:05:09.879,0:05:11.355 The first is freedom, 0:05:11.379,0:05:13.156 and the second is change. 0:05:13.180,0:05:14.410 And when I edit, 0:05:14.434,0:05:16.526 those are the themes that I start with. 0:05:16.550,0:05:19.248 So, let's take a loot[br]at freedom for a second. 0:05:19.272,0:05:22.026 Our stories about freedom go like this: 0:05:22.050,0:05:23.915 We believe, in general, 0:05:23.939,0:05:27.327 that we have an enormous[br]amount of freedom. 0:05:27.894,0:05:29.974 Except when it comes[br]to the problem at hand, 0:05:29.998,0:05:32.498 in which case suddenly,[br]we feel like we have none. 0:05:32.522,0:05:35.180 Many of our stories[br]are about feeling trapped, right? 0:05:35.204,0:05:37.679 We feel imprisoned[br]by our families, our jobs, 0:05:37.703,0:05:39.815 our relationships, our pasts. 0:05:40.176,0:05:43.843 Sometimes, we even imprison ourselves[br]with a narrative of self-flagellation -- 0:05:43.867,0:05:45.756 I know you guys all know these stories. 0:05:45.780,0:05:48.029 The "everyone's life[br]is better than mine" story, 0:05:48.053,0:05:49.299 courtesy of social media. 0:05:49.323,0:05:51.895 The "I'm an impostor" story,[br]the "I'm unlovable" story, 0:05:51.919,0:05:54.117 the "nothing will ever[br]work out for me" story. 0:05:54.141,0:05:56.678 The "when I say, 'Hey, Siri, '[br]and she doesn't answer, 0:05:56.702,0:05:58.219 that means she hates me" story. 0:05:58.243,0:06:00.304 I see you, see, I'm not the only one. 0:06:01.109,0:06:03.014 The woman who wrote me that letter, 0:06:03.038,0:06:04.926 she also feels trapped. 0:06:04.950,0:06:07.799 If she stays with her husband,[br]she'll never trust him again, 0:06:07.823,0:06:10.228 but if she leaves,[br]her children will suffer. 0:06:10.617,0:06:13.497 Now, there's a cartoon[br]that I think is a perfect example 0:06:13.521,0:06:16.045 of what's really going on[br]in these stories. 0:06:16.069,0:06:18.475 The cartoon shows a prisoner[br]shaking the bars, 0:06:18.499,0:06:20.521 desperately trying to get out. 0:06:20.545,0:06:22.736 But on the right and the left, it's open. 0:06:22.760,0:06:24.521 No bars. 0:06:24.545,0:06:26.751 The prisoner isn't in jail. 0:06:27.554,0:06:28.729 That's most of us. 0:06:28.753,0:06:30.356 We feel completely trapped, 0:06:30.380,0:06:32.475 stuck in our emotional jail cells. 0:06:32.499,0:06:34.618 But we don't walk[br]around the bars to freedom, 0:06:34.642,0:06:36.776 because we know there's a catch. 0:06:36.800,0:06:39.066 Freedom comes with responsibility. 0:06:39.379,0:06:43.228 And if we take responsibility[br]for our role in the story, 0:06:43.252,0:06:45.371 we might just have to change. 0:06:45.395,0:06:48.633 And that's the other common theme[br]that I see in our stories, change. 0:06:48.657,0:06:50.133 Those stories sound like this: 0:06:50.157,0:06:52.363 a person says, "I want to change." 0:06:52.387,0:06:54.354 But what they really mean is 0:06:54.378,0:06:57.601 "I want another character[br]in the story to change." 0:06:58.053,0:06:59.783 Therapists describe this dilemma as: 0:06:59.807,0:07:02.315 "If the queen had balls,[br]she'd be the king." 0:07:02.339,0:07:03.498 I mean -- 0:07:03.522,0:07:04.522 (Laughter) 0:07:04.546,0:07:06.450 It makes no sense, right? 0:07:07.500,0:07:09.484 Why wouldn't we want the protagonist, 0:07:09.508,0:07:11.913 who's the hero of the story, to change? 0:07:11.937,0:07:13.564 Well, it might be because change, 0:07:13.588,0:07:15.318 even really positive change, 0:07:15.342,0:07:17.934 involves a surprising amount of loss. 0:07:17.958,0:07:19.569 Loss of the familiar. 0:07:19.593,0:07:22.926 Even if the familiar is unpleasant[br]or utterly miserable, 0:07:22.950,0:07:25.434 at least we know the characters[br]and setting and plot, 0:07:25.458,0:07:27.871 right down to the recurring[br]dialogue in this story. 0:07:27.895,0:07:29.213 "You never do the laundry!" 0:07:29.237,0:07:30.450 "I did it last time!" 0:07:30.474,0:07:31.638 "Oh, yeah? When?" 0:07:31.662,0:07:33.393 There's something oddly comforting 0:07:33.417,0:07:35.767 about knowing exactly[br]how the story is going to go 0:07:35.791,0:07:37.243 every single time. 0:07:37.747,0:07:41.263 To write a new chapter[br]is to venture into the unknown. 0:07:41.287,0:07:43.493 It's to stare at a blank page. 0:07:43.517,0:07:45.080 And as any writer will tell you, 0:07:45.104,0:07:47.675 there's nothing more terrifying[br]than a blank page. 0:07:48.053,0:07:49.490 But here's the thing. 0:07:49.514,0:07:51.537 Once we edit our story, 0:07:51.561,0:07:54.695 the next chapter[br]becomes much easier to write. 0:07:55.036,0:07:58.330 We talk so much in our culture[br]about getting to know ourselves. 0:07:58.354,0:08:01.941 But part of getting to know yourself[br]is to unknow yourself. 0:08:01.965,0:08:05.553 To let go of the one version of the story[br]you've been telling yourself 0:08:05.577,0:08:07.403 so that you can live your life, 0:08:07.427,0:08:09.823 and not the story[br]that you've been telling yourself 0:08:09.847,0:08:10.997 about your life. 0:08:11.474,0:08:14.310 And that's how we walk around those bars. 0:08:14.874,0:08:18.215 So I want to go back to the letter[br]from the woman, about the affair. 0:08:18.239,0:08:20.350 She asked me what she should do. 0:08:20.374,0:08:22.823 Now, I have this word[br]taped up in my office: 0:08:22.847,0:08:24.831 ultracrepidarianism. 0:08:24.855,0:08:29.450 The habit of giving advice or opinions[br]outside of one's knowledge or competence. 0:08:29.474,0:08:30.752 It's a great word, right? 0:08:30.776,0:08:32.737 You can use it in all different contexts, 0:08:32.761,0:08:35.172 I'm sure you will be using it[br]after this TED talk. 0:08:35.196,0:08:38.107 I use it because it reminds me[br]that as a therapist, 0:08:38.131,0:08:40.513 I can help people to sort out[br]what they want to do, 0:08:40.537,0:08:43.005 but I can't make[br]their life choices for them. 0:08:43.331,0:08:45.950 Only you can write your story, 0:08:45.974,0:08:48.077 and all you need are some tools. 0:08:48.101,0:08:49.392 So what I want to do, 0:08:49.416,0:08:52.209 is I want to edit this woman's letter[br]together, right here, 0:08:52.233,0:08:55.265 as a way to show[br]how we can all revise our stories. 0:08:55.575,0:08:57.749 And I want to start by asking you 0:08:57.773,0:09:01.209 to think of a story[br]that you're telling yourself right now 0:09:01.233,0:09:03.354 that might not be serving you well. 0:09:03.378,0:09:06.442 It might be about a circumstance[br]you're experiencing, 0:09:06.466,0:09:08.894 it might be about a person in your life, 0:09:08.918,0:09:10.886 it might even be about yourself. 0:09:11.370,0:09:14.302 And I want you to look[br]at the supporting characters. 0:09:14.326,0:09:16.151 Who are the people who are helping you 0:09:16.175,0:09:19.254 to uphold the wrong version of this story? 0:09:19.779,0:09:22.192 For instance, if the woman[br]who wrote me that letter 0:09:22.216,0:09:23.739 told her friends what happened, 0:09:23.763,0:09:26.768 they would probably offer her[br]what's called "idiot compassion." 0:09:26.792,0:09:29.292 Now, in idiot compassion,[br]we go along with the story, 0:09:29.316,0:09:31.672 we say, "You're right, that's so unfair," 0:09:31.696,0:09:34.807 when a friend tells us that he didn't[br]get the promotion he wanted, 0:09:34.831,0:09:37.602 even though we know this has happened[br]several times before, 0:09:37.626,0:09:39.674 because he doesn't really[br]put in the effort, 0:09:39.698,0:09:41.765 and he probably[br]also steals office supplies. 0:09:41.789,0:09:42.789 (Laughter) 0:09:42.813,0:09:45.359 We say, "Yeah, you're right, he's a jerk," 0:09:45.383,0:09:48.380 when a friend tells us[br]that her boyfriend broke up with her, 0:09:48.404,0:09:50.610 even though we know[br]that there are certain ways 0:09:50.634,0:09:52.418 she tends to behave in relationships, 0:09:52.442,0:09:55.268 like the incessant texting[br]or the going through his drawers, 0:09:55.292,0:09:56.982 that tend to lead to this outcome. 0:09:57.006,0:09:58.656 We see the problem, it's like, 0:09:58.680,0:10:01.085 if a fight breaks out[br]in every bar you're going to, 0:10:01.109,0:10:02.260 it might be you. 0:10:02.284,0:10:04.545 (Laughter) 0:10:04.569,0:10:08.268 In order to be good editors,[br]we need to offer wise compassion, 0:10:08.292,0:10:10.793 not just to our friends, but to ourselves. 0:10:10.817,0:10:13.770 This is what's called --[br]I think the technical term might be -- 0:10:13.794,0:10:16.261 "delivering compassionate truth bombs." 0:10:16.601,0:10:18.530 And these truth bombs are compassionate, 0:10:18.554,0:10:21.433 because they help us to see[br]what we've left out of the story. 0:10:21.457,0:10:22.617 The truth is, 0:10:22.641,0:10:25.363 we don't know if this woman's husband[br]is having an affair, 0:10:25.387,0:10:28.135 or why their sex life[br]changed two years ago, 0:10:28.159,0:10:31.286 or what those late-night[br]phone calls are really about. 0:10:31.310,0:10:33.421 And it might be[br]that because of her history, 0:10:33.445,0:10:36.056 she's writing a singular[br]story of betrayal, 0:10:36.080,0:10:37.982 but there's probably something else 0:10:38.006,0:10:40.950 that she's not willing[br]to let me, in her letter, 0:10:40.974,0:10:42.974 or maybe even herself, to see. 0:10:43.720,0:10:46.029 It's like that guy[br]who's taking a Rorschach test. 0:10:46.053,0:10:47.903 You all know what Rorschach tests are? 0:10:47.927,0:10:50.911 A psychologist shows you some ink blots,[br]they look like that, 0:10:50.935,0:10:53.421 and asks, "What do you see?" 0:10:53.864,0:10:56.340 So the guy looks[br]at his ink blot and he says, 0:10:56.364,0:10:59.881 "Well, I definitely don't see blood." 0:11:01.252,0:11:02.911 And the examiner says, 0:11:02.935,0:11:06.389 "Alright, tell me what else[br]you definitely don't see." 0:11:07.199,0:11:09.509 In writing, this is called point of view. 0:11:09.533,0:11:12.286 What is the narrator not willing to see? 0:11:12.310,0:11:15.286 So, I want to read you one more letter. 0:11:16.374,0:11:18.619 And it goes like this. 0:11:20.437,0:11:22.080 "Dear Therapist, 0:11:23.278,0:11:25.174 I need help with my wife. 0:11:25.198,0:11:27.102 Lately, everything I do irritates her, 0:11:27.126,0:11:30.198 even small things, like the noise[br]I make when I chew. 0:11:30.791,0:11:31.974 At breakfast, 0:11:31.998,0:11:35.308 I noticed that she even tries[br]to secretly put extra milk in my granola 0:11:35.332,0:11:36.618 so it won't be as crunchy." 0:11:36.642,0:11:38.022 (Laughter) 0:11:38.046,0:11:42.157 "I feel like she became critical of me[br]after my father died two years ago. 0:11:42.181,0:11:43.459 I was very close with him, 0:11:43.483,0:11:45.371 and her father left when she was young, 0:11:45.395,0:11:47.958 so she couldn't relate[br]to what I was going through. 0:11:47.982,0:11:50.815 There's a friend at work[br]whose father died a few months ago, 0:11:50.839,0:11:52.529 and who understand my grief. 0:11:52.553,0:11:55.641 I wish I could talk to my wife[br]like I talk to my friend, 0:11:55.665,0:11:58.395 but I feel like she barely[br]tolerates me now. 0:11:58.419,0:12:00.285 How can I get my wife back?" 0:12:00.895,0:12:02.045 OK. 0:12:02.538,0:12:04.903 So, what you probably picked up on 0:12:04.927,0:12:07.855 is that this is the same story[br]I read you earlier, 0:12:07.879,0:12:10.450 just told from another[br]narrator's point of view. 0:12:10.474,0:12:12.871 Her story was about[br]a husband who's cheating, 0:12:12.895,0:12:16.243 his story is about a wife[br]who can't understand his grief. 0:12:16.736,0:12:20.054 But what's remarkable,[br]is that for all of their differences, 0:12:20.078,0:12:23.982 what both of these stories are about[br]is a longing for connection. 0:12:24.402,0:12:26.783 And if we can get out[br]of the first person narration 0:12:26.807,0:12:29.529 and write the story[br]from another character's perspective, 0:12:29.553,0:12:32.426 suddenly that other character[br]becomes much more sympathetic, 0:12:32.450,0:12:34.251 and the plot opens up. 0:12:34.919,0:12:37.720 That's the hardest step[br]in the editing process, 0:12:37.744,0:12:40.011 but it's also where change begins. 0:12:40.363,0:12:43.903 What would happen[br]if you looked at your story 0:12:43.927,0:12:46.815 and wrote it from another[br]person's point of view? 0:12:47.244,0:12:50.704 What would you see now[br]from this wider perspective? 0:12:51.568,0:12:53.807 That's why, when I see people[br]who are depressed, 0:12:53.831,0:12:54.982 I sometimes say, 0:12:55.006,0:12:58.125 "You are not the best person[br]to talk to you about you right now," 0:12:58.149,0:13:01.223 because depression distorts our stories[br]in a very particular way. 0:13:01.247,0:13:02.803 It narrows our perspectives. 0:13:02.827,0:13:06.160 The same is true when we feel[br]lonely or hurt or rejected. 0:13:06.184,0:13:07.803 We create all kinds of stories, 0:13:07.827,0:13:09.606 distorted through a very narrow lens 0:13:09.630,0:13:11.947 that we don't even know[br]we're looking through. 0:13:12.257,0:13:16.011 And then, we've effectively become[br]our own fake-news broadcasters. 0:13:17.059,0:13:18.925 I have a confession to make. 0:13:19.575,0:13:22.593 I wrote the husband's version[br]of the letter I read you. 0:13:22.617,0:13:24.442 You have no idea how much time I spent 0:13:24.466,0:13:26.903 debating between granola[br]and pita chips, by the way. 0:13:26.927,0:13:30.065 I wrote it based on all[br]of the alternative narratives 0:13:30.089,0:13:31.533 that I've seen over the years, 0:13:31.557,0:13:35.276 not just in my therapy practice,[br]but also in my column. 0:13:35.300,0:13:36.537 When it's happened 0:13:36.561,0:13:38.807 that two people involved[br]in the same situation 0:13:38.831,0:13:41.307 have written to me,[br]unbeknownst to the other, 0:13:41.331,0:13:43.323 and I have two versions of the same story 0:13:43.347,0:13:44.680 sitting in my inbox. 0:13:45.123,0:13:46.811 That really has happened. 0:13:47.478,0:13:50.405 I don't know what the other version[br]of this woman's letter is, 0:13:50.429,0:13:51.898 but I do know this: 0:13:51.922,0:13:53.255 she has to write it. 0:13:53.659,0:13:55.704 Because with a courageous edit, 0:13:55.728,0:13:59.530 she'll write a much more nuanced version[br]of her letter that she wrote to me. 0:13:59.554,0:14:02.180 Even if her husband[br]is having an affair of any kind -- 0:14:02.204,0:14:03.934 and maybe he is -- 0:14:03.958,0:14:07.021 she doesn't need to know[br]what the plot is yet. 0:14:07.673,0:14:10.561 Because just by virtue of doing an edit, 0:14:10.585,0:14:13.897 she'll have so many more possibilities[br]for what the plot can become. 0:14:14.854,0:14:18.409 Now, sometimes it happens[br]that I see people who are really stuck, 0:14:18.433,0:14:21.361 and they're really invested[br]in their stuckness. 0:14:21.703,0:14:24.279 We call them help-rejecting complainers. 0:14:24.303,0:14:25.977 I'm sure you know people like this. 0:14:26.001,0:14:29.057 They are the people who,[br]when you try to offer them a suggestion, 0:14:29.081,0:14:33.930 they reject it with, "Yeah, no,[br]that will never work, because ..." 0:14:34.378,0:14:37.696 "Yeah, no, that's impossible,[br]because I can't do that." 0:14:37.720,0:14:41.926 "Yeah, I really want more friends,[br]but people are just so annoying." 0:14:41.950,0:14:43.998 (Laughter) 0:14:44.022,0:14:45.799 What they're really rejecting 0:14:45.823,0:14:49.223 is an edit to their story[br]of misery and stuckness. 0:14:49.877,0:14:53.091 And so, with these people,[br]I usually take a different approach. 0:14:53.115,0:14:55.774 And what I do is I say something else. 0:14:55.798,0:14:57.805 I say to them, 0:14:57.829,0:14:59.725 "We're all going to die." 0:15:00.411,0:15:03.180 I bet you're really glad[br]I'm not your therapist right now. 0:15:03.633,0:15:04.982 Because they look back at me 0:15:05.006,0:15:07.077 the way you're looking back[br]at me right now, 0:15:07.101,0:15:08.760 with this look of utter confusion. 0:15:08.784,0:15:10.879 But then I explain that there's a story 0:15:10.903,0:15:13.680 that gets written[br]about all of us, eventually. 0:15:13.704,0:15:15.304 It's called an obituary. 0:15:16.180,0:15:20.593 And I say that instead of being[br]authors of our own unhappiness, 0:15:20.617,0:15:23.902 we get to shape these stories[br]while we're still alive. 0:15:24.593,0:15:27.220 We get to be the hero[br]and not the victim in our stories, 0:15:27.244,0:15:30.149 we get to choose what goes on the page[br]that lives in our minds 0:15:30.173,0:15:31.840 and shapes our realities. 0:15:32.673,0:15:36.536 I tell them that life is about deciding[br]which stories to listen to 0:15:36.560,0:15:38.242 and which ones need an edit. 0:15:38.266,0:15:41.282 And that it's worth the effort[br]to go through a revision, 0:15:41.306,0:15:44.472 because there's nothing more important[br]to the quality of our lives 0:15:44.496,0:15:46.680 than the stories[br]we tell ourselves about them. 0:15:46.704,0:15:50.045 I say that when it comes[br]to the stories of our lives, 0:15:50.069,0:15:53.950 we should be aiming for our own[br]personal Pulitzer Prize. 0:15:53.974,0:15:56.843 Now, most of us aren't[br]help-rejecting complainers, 0:15:56.867,0:15:59.220 or at least we don't believe we are. 0:15:59.244,0:16:01.871 But it's a role[br]that is so easy to slip into 0:16:01.895,0:16:05.106 when we feel anxious[br]or angry or vulnerable. 0:16:05.130,0:16:07.693 So the next time[br]you're struggling with something, 0:16:07.717,0:16:09.146 remember, 0:16:09.170,0:16:10.693 we're all going to die. 0:16:10.717,0:16:12.146 (Laughter) 0:16:12.170,0:16:14.678 And then pull out your editing tools 0:16:14.702,0:16:16.321 and ask yourself, 0:16:16.345,0:16:19.297 what do I want my story to be? 0:16:20.506,0:16:23.912 And then, go write your masterpiece. 0:16:24.293,0:16:25.452 Thank you. 0:16:25.476,0:16:28.103 (Applause)