1
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I really, really, really, 
really hate myself.

2
00:00:03,010 --> 00:00:06,920
You know, you can feel 
so unbelievably lost and horrible

3
00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:09,550
and like you're nothing
and you're invisible

4
00:00:09,550 --> 00:00:12,830
and... 
for no reason at all.

5
00:00:12,830 --> 00:00:15,166
Which is almost worse 
than having a reason.

6
00:00:15,166 --> 00:00:16,830
It's the way that
my brain works.

7
00:00:16,830 --> 00:00:19,568
And it's like, you know, 
"Billie, what's wrong?"

8
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"I don't fucking know."

9
00:00:20,568 --> 00:00:21,910
Like, "Me, that's what."

10
00:00:21,910 --> 00:00:22,910
It's like, "Who hurt you?"

11
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I'm like…

12
00:00:31,500 --> 00:00:32,820
I have a song called "COPYCAT."

13
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You all know that already.

14
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"COPYCAT" is basically about someone doing
fucking everything you do.

15
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The idea of "idontwannabeyouanymore"
was sort of exactly the opposite.

16
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So "COPYCAT" is like, 
"You wanna be me so bad."

17
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"I'm the shit, but really no, I'm not."

18
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It's like, "You wanna be me,"
I look over at the mirror, over here.

19
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"I don't wanna be you."

20
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It's so annoying to feel like this
all the time, all the time.

21
00:01:14,500 --> 00:01:18,020
And it's like, If someone is like,
"Oh God, you fall apart so much."

22
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"You're so annoying. 
You're always fucking sad."

23
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I'm like, "I know."

24
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I have to be in this bitch all the time.

25
00:01:23,610 --> 00:01:26,300
I'm aware of how annoying it is.

26
00:01:41,049 --> 00:01:43,440
You know, as many people
can try to help me

27
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and talk to me and whatever
but it doesn't change anything.

28
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The only person that can change the way that
I feel is me, and that's not gon’ happen.

29
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I don't feel comfortable telling you why I
feel like that.

30
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I just feel like if I say it out loud ... It's
the same with people.

31
00:02:00,750 --> 00:02:06,580
I feel like when I was younger if I liked
a boy or whatever I wouldn't tell anybody

32
00:02:06,580 --> 00:02:12,379
because if I told them then it would make
it true and something would have to go wrong.

33
00:02:12,379 --> 00:02:13,760
That's just how it has been always.

34
00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:18,069
So it's like if I say, "Hey, I really need
help."

35
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"I really need help, I'm not okay."

36
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"I need someone," which is what's going on
in my head, it's not gonna do anything but

37
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make me more aware of it and make me wanna
drown in a pit of lava even more.

38
00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:57,120
I just think models are maybe the saddest
people in the world.

39
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Their job is always being looked at.

40
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That's their job.

41
00:03:00,700 --> 00:03:03,540
My brother actually came up with the idea
for that line.

42
00:03:03,540 --> 00:03:07,680
It was really interesting to me because I
took it in so many different ways.

43
00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:09,680
Models are the people that everyone look up
to.

44
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:12,060
Models are known to be, “These are your
role models."

45
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This is your standard.

46
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You have to look like this and be like this
and do this and this and this.

47
00:03:17,191 --> 00:03:21,730
That's been known forever and it changes all
the time, but if it keeps changing why does

48
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it have to be there at all?

49
00:03:58,999 --> 00:04:04,209
I've never said anything that I meant more
than that.

50
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You are always you.

51
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Forever.

52
00:04:07,140 --> 00:04:08,720
That's terrifying.

53
00:04:09,140 --> 00:04:12,300
That line is actually my favorite line I've
ever written in my life.

54
00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:34,460
When I was younger we used to have these things
called Homeschool Fridays where every Friday
all my homeschooled friends would come over
and we'd do a craft and we'd play outside.

55
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It was so fun.

56
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Oh my God, it was so fun.

57
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But we used to make candles.

58
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So basically you take whatever you want the
shape to be and you put it inside this thing

59
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and you pour this weird goo in it and then
you freeze it or leave it out or whatever

60
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until it hardens and then you take the mold
out and everything.

61
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Then you'd have this thing with this hole.

62
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It looked like a flashlight, low key.

63
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Oh my God!

64
00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:09,980
Then you'd pour the candle in it, the candle
wax I guess and then you'd let that dry and

65
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then eventually you'd break the mold in half
and you'd have a candle with exactly the shape
that the mold was.

66
00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:19,920
But sometimes the mold would break.

67
00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:26,210
That line is basically like, there's all these
perfect people. Nobody is perfect

68
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but perfect people around me.

69
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It's like, "Well what's wrong with me?”

70
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We've made every mistake together.
Me and my bitch Billie.

71
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She's my ho.

72
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She makes all these mistakes but I help her
out with every single one.

73
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We make them together.

74
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We're a team.

75
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But I hate her.

76
00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:52,339
Ugh!

77
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I will never know what you're thinking right
now, ever.

78
00:06:04,270 --> 00:06:05,270
Even if you tell me I still don't know
because you could be lying.

79
00:06:06,140 --> 00:06:08,340
"Only you know
the way that I break."

80
00:06:08,620 --> 00:06:12,200
No matter how many times
I tell people, "It's this."

81
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:14,300
"It's that. It's nothing."

82
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It's something and it's up here.