WEBVTT

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So, we are the most distracted society
that has ever existed.

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In fact, we are distracted
every three minutes of the day.

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And what's even more interesting than that

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is that the University
of California, Irvine, states

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that it takes us 15 minutes
to get back on track.

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We swipe, scroll, tap, touch our phones
over 3,000 times a day,

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and nine is the average windows or apps
open at any given time.

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Yet we crave more time.

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So, we invent systems to keep us on task,
on track, on time, in the black.

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We use our devices,
our wearables, our apps -

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any software to make us more productive.

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The funny thing is we still complain about
being time-starved and time-deprived.

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How many of you have caught yourself
saying, "I wish I had more time"?

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"I wish I could make more time"?

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Well, I want to challenge that,

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and I want to arm you
with some new vocabulary.

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So I'd love for you to replace
the "I wish I had more time"

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with "I want to create capacity."

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Capacity is entrenched in our values.

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It is the long game.

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It is fueled by passion,

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it is supported by energy

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and results in fulfillment.

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And one can't live without the other,

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because if you only had passion,
you probably wouldn't get very much done.

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And if you only had energy, you would be
overwhelmed and overcommitted.

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And if you only focused on fulfillment,
your passions might be a little shallow.

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Human behavior is so interesting
to observe, isn't it?

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Think about yourselves at a bookended day,

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backed by meetings after meetings
after meetings and commitments.

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And how we react is we try
to crawl out of this crevice.

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We're squeezed for time.

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And this climb is exhausting.

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But some people will say,
"Mel, I am great at multitasking."

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How many of you would say
you're great at multitasking?

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Raise your hand right now.

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Fantastic.

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Well, I don't have
fantastic news for you, actually.

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(Laughter)

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Multitasking is actually
creating some havoc.

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This woman here -
I asked my eight-year-old,

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I said, "What do you see in this picture?"

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And she said, "Mom, I see a woman
doing the splits, reading a book

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and making a movie."

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I said, "Okay."

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And then she said, "But Mom,
she doesn't look very happy.

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She should be doing one thing."

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I was like, mind-blown!

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#MomForTheWin. Right?

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This was a fantastic.

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And then I said to my husband, I said,
"Hon, what do you see in this picture?"

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And he said,

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"A woman."

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So I will not deconstruct
that answer right now.

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We will save that for later.

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But the point is that multitasking
and task-switching

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is actually making us dumb!

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It is decreasing our IQ by 15 points.

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It is actually like operating
on a sleepless night.

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It is like getting an eight-year-old
to write the most important email.

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And would we do that?

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No.

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That's not what we want to do.

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A lot of people will say,

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"You know what, Mel,
this is how I operate.

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Multitasking, I'm used to doing it.

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I can do it.

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But I can't get rid of any of these things
because they're all obligations."

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And I challenge back softly, and I say,

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"You have capacity.
It's just being eroded somewhere.

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And we need to find that erosion."

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One of the main culprits
for these capacity thieves

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is our addiction to notifications.

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And our addiction to notifications
is killing us slowly.

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Research is actually telling us
that the addiction to the notification,

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the disappointment and the anticipation

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is creating an excess of stress hormone
and cortisol in our bodies

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that our bodies can't
break down fast enough.

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Therefore, it's depleting
our cells and our tissues.

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This is not the way
we should be operating,

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so we need to take note
of where we are distracted.

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I have a quick story
about how I was overcapacitating,

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and I was overcommitted and overwhelmed

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and addicted to adrenaline

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and coffee,

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loads of coffee.

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And I found myself at my doctor's
more often than I would want to admit

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because I was experiencing symptoms
that I had never experienced before:

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acute nosebleeds, skin issues,
hair loss, migraines, cellulitis.

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And so I went back
to the doctor's one last time,

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and she looked at me,

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and then she looked at her notepad,
and she wrote ... something,

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handed it to me,

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and I read it.

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And it said, "This patient is disabled
from all duties for one month."

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And I wanted to refute it.

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And I wanted to contest it.

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But I didn't.

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I took it back.

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The world works in strange ways

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because that day on my way home,
I received a phone call

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that was probably one of the best
phone calls I had ever received,

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and the message was that I had been
the recipient of a 40 Under 40 award.

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I was ecstatic, but I was conflicted.

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Because the world had just rewarded me
for overcapacitating.

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So I immediately called
the doctor's office back

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and negotiated one week
instead of one month.

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(Laughter)

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But I took that week,

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and in deep self-reflection,

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I really took a deep look
at how I was operating

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and how I needed to change.

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Because I knew

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I didn't want to be at the mercy of other
people's commitments or requests,

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and I didn't want to go home

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hoping I would have enough energy
to read my kids a book

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without wanting to take a nap instead.

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And so I did something.

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In deep self-reflection, I create.

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And I created a structure,

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because I knew I wasn't the only one
suffering from this.

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I knew there was other people
that could benefit

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for something that I could learn
from all of these experiences.

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And so after research and observation

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and discussion and listening to people
and how they were talking about time,

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I discovered that there were four states
of capacity that we operate in

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at any given time.

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And it's not based on personality.

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It's not based on IQ.

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It's not based on your left brain
or your right brain.

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It's simply the decisions that we make

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that make us operate
in one of these states of capacity.

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There are four.

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And it will take you
on a bit of a journey,

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which could be a typical trajectory

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of how someone can actually
fluidly flow through

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these four states of capacity.

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We have indulgent, fatigued,
reserved and maximized.

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Let's start with indulgent, shall we?

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Indulgent state of capacity
is where we say yes;

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it's where we're addicted
to the adrenaline.

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It's where we want to validate our talent.

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It's where we say yes a lot.

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But when we say yes too much,
we become overcommitted and overwhelmed,

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and when we're not
taking care of ourselves,

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many of you will know

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that this happens.

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It's the second state of capacity,
which is fatigued and it's burnout.

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This is not where we want to be.

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Because a reboot is clearly in order.

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We need to resign
from some of these habits.

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We have no capacity to give
to anyone or anything.

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Burnout, actually,

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is something that has just
been deemed a medical condition

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by the [World] Health
Organization just last week.

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Very interesting, but very scary
at the same time.

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So we want to emerge from this;
we want to get out of this state.

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We want to move to another state,

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and this is the third one
called the reserved state of capacity.

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Now, a couple of different
things can happen here

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because this is where
we have now restored our capacity,

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but we're very hesitant to give it away

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because we don't want
to end up back in fatigued.

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It's also a place where
we can do restorative activities

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to maintain,

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to build capacity.

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Where we really want
to spend most of our time

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is in the fourth state,
and it's maximized.

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This is where we say yes with discernment
and no without guilt.

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This is where we're connected to our why.

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This is where we want to be.

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This is where we want
to spend most of our time.

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As a business professor,

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I teach time management,
prioritization, decision making,

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but as a student,
I never learnt about capacity,

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and so I teach it.

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It's important.

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We are so good at booking ourselves
back to back to back.

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Any space we can find
in the calendar, we might book.

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My wish is for that the next generation
to avoid being diagnosed with burnout,

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to be able to stand
on their two feet firmly,

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centered in their values,
discerning in their decisions

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and respecting their capacity.

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I want you and I
to be able to use new language.

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I want us to be able to tell each other

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"I'm sorry, I don't have
the capacity for that right now."

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And it's different.

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There's a shift.

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There's a mutual understanding.

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Simply put, capacity is the ability
to say yes to something,

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wholeheartedly,

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but also knowing you have to say no
to something else.

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[YES. NO]

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You said yes to listening to this today,

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and I am eternally grateful.

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But you also said no to something else
that you could have been doing today.

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And that's what this is all about.

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It's reframing the way
we make commitments.

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So right now,

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I want to give you an experience
of what capacity actually feels like.

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So you have these rubber bands,

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and I want you to put them
between your two fingers,

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your two index fingers, right now.

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Alright.

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This is capacity elasticity

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because our capacity has elastic.

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We can stretch our capacity.

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So I'm going to ask you
a series of questions,

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and you're going to say yes
whether you want to or not.

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But don't worry, I won't hold you to it.

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Okay? Everybody's with me?

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Alright. Fantastic. Okay.

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Hey, do you think
you can join this committee?

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We'd love to have you on this committee.

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Yes.

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Okay, fantastic.

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At the first meeting,
do you think you can lead it?

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You're the best person to do that.

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Yes.

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And, we need coffee.

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Can you pick up the coffee
before we get to that meeting?

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Great, okay.

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We're having a BBQ next weekend.

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I'd love you to bring your family.

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Come on over. Right?

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And, hey, while you're there,

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we have some furniture we need to move,
and I'd love for you to help us.

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Okay, yes.

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Your elastic band should be stretched.

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Your fingers should be shaking
a little bit, okay?

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This is how we walk around
when we're overcommitted.

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This is the feeling.

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Your faces are a little
contorted right now.

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I'm not sure if it's because
the band is going to snap -

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and I'm not responsible for any injuries.

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However, this is how we walk around,
and this is how we show up.

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So release that band
and find the right tension.

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Because when we are intentional
about our capacity,

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there's a comfortable tension.

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But there's also a state
of being underleveraged

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when there's not enough tension.

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So pay attention to that.

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We make time for groceries!

00:11:25.593 --> 00:11:27.049
We make time for errands!

00:11:27.049 --> 00:11:30.299
We make time for meetings
and quick coffees!

00:11:30.500 --> 00:11:34.112
We shouldn't be making time
for moments like this.

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This is where we should be
creating capacity for our loved ones,

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for moments that
we don't get a do-over for.

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This is where we need
to preserve and pace.

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We measure everything else.

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We measure our calories.
We measure our weight.

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We measure our macros,
our micros, our bank accounts.

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We measure time.

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But how many of us actually
really consider measuring our capacity?

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It's like when somebody asks you,

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"Hey, you want to come over
for a party or come to this event?"

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and you check your calendar
and realize you are booked

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back to back.

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But in some way, you say,

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"You know what? I'm busy,
but I'll squeeze you in."

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And in some strange way,
we intend to flatter the person

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by "squeezing them in."

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This is what we're going to do?

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I really want us
to challenge that thinking

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because it's not flattery at all.

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This is the way we show up
when we're overcommitted.

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How many of you can relate to this photo
whenever you show up to an event

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because you have just
ran from another event

00:12:37.845 --> 00:12:40.662
to literally just to try
and make the next one,

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and the next one,

00:12:42.263 --> 00:12:43.628
and the next one?

00:12:44.686 --> 00:12:46.494
No more showing up like this.

00:12:46.790 --> 00:12:47.799
[Ego cake]

00:12:47.799 --> 00:12:48.806
So what next?

00:12:48.806 --> 00:12:49.924
What do we do?

00:12:49.924 --> 00:12:51.215
Well,

00:12:51.995 --> 00:12:55.745
in time of self-reflection,
I created something.

00:12:55.745 --> 00:12:58.810
And this came from
a conversation with my mom.

00:12:58.810 --> 00:13:01.207
And the structure is called "ego cake."

00:13:01.314 --> 00:13:05.385
And the name comes
from discussion that went like this:

00:13:05.385 --> 00:13:06.845
So my mom says to me,

00:13:06.845 --> 00:13:10.493
she says, "Mel, your life looks
like this decadent dessert table

00:13:10.493 --> 00:13:13.735
filled with mouth-watering desserts."

00:13:14.155 --> 00:13:17.732
And I was like,
"Yeah, it does. Thank you."

00:13:18.228 --> 00:13:24.403
And then she says, "You have taken a bite
out of every single one of them."

00:13:24.670 --> 00:13:28.572
I was like, alright, where's this going?
I didn't really expect it to go this way.

00:13:28.729 --> 00:13:29.748
I said, "Okay."

00:13:29.748 --> 00:13:33.751
And she said, "Which one
have you enjoyed the most?"

00:13:35.432 --> 00:13:37.276
I didn't have an answer.

00:13:37.276 --> 00:13:39.466
I didn't know which one
I had enjoyed the most.

00:13:39.466 --> 00:13:41.570
I couldn't possibly
have enjoyed one of them;

00:13:41.570 --> 00:13:44.848
I had taken a bite out of all of them,
and I was bloated and full

00:13:44.848 --> 00:13:48.059
from all of the opportunities
that I had tried to take advantage of.

00:13:48.059 --> 00:13:50.265
I was overcommitted.

00:13:50.265 --> 00:13:53.653
And so, I went back
and created a structure

00:13:53.653 --> 00:13:56.164
that helps us deconstruct
our commitment patterns,

00:13:56.164 --> 00:14:00.430
that helps us observe
our indulgent behaviors.

00:14:00.430 --> 00:14:05.831
So just like a cake, it has five layers,
and it starts from the bottom.

00:14:06.677 --> 00:14:10.378
Options in abundance leads to stagnation.

00:14:10.617 --> 00:14:13.552
We are sold to 24/7.

00:14:13.552 --> 00:14:16.156
"Buy this." "Do this." "Be this."

00:14:16.156 --> 00:14:18.486
How do we possibly decide?

00:14:19.067 --> 00:14:24.423
Distraction is the death
of productivity and creativity.

00:14:24.875 --> 00:14:28.308
When we are distracted,
we don't do our best work.

00:14:28.555 --> 00:14:30.181
And the third layer is resignment.

00:14:30.181 --> 00:14:32.984
And it is the juiciest
layer of this structure

00:14:32.984 --> 00:14:36.485
because this is where
we get to say no with discernment.

00:14:36.485 --> 00:14:40.087
We need to resign from the things
that are no longer serving us.

00:14:40.313 --> 00:14:41.611
Because when we do that,

00:14:41.611 --> 00:14:44.765
it allows us to be more aware
of what's in front of us,

00:14:44.765 --> 00:14:49.615
more aware of the opportunities
that bring us joy and fulfill our souls.

00:14:49.615 --> 00:14:52.655
And once we do that,
we have the power to commit,

00:14:52.655 --> 00:14:54.683
which is the fifth layer.

00:14:54.859 --> 00:14:56.437
Now, I want you to remember this,

00:14:56.437 --> 00:14:59.953
and I want you to do this
anywhere, any place, any time.

00:14:59.953 --> 00:15:01.751
So I'm going to ask you to join me

00:15:01.751 --> 00:15:05.325
by raising your left hand,
palm facing your chest,

00:15:05.835 --> 00:15:09.034
pinkies down, fingers nice and tight.

00:15:09.274 --> 00:15:10.846
Alright, perfect.

00:15:11.196 --> 00:15:14.543
The pinky finger represents options,
obligations and opportunities,

00:15:14.543 --> 00:15:18.709
and notice how our pinky is pretty short,

00:15:18.709 --> 00:15:20.626
so choose wisely.

00:15:20.956 --> 00:15:24.413
The second layer is our ring finger,
and it's about distraction.

00:15:24.413 --> 00:15:27.006
And usually it's adorned
by some sort of jewelry,

00:15:27.006 --> 00:15:29.273
and it's like, oh, wow,
that's really shiny.

00:15:29.273 --> 00:15:31.446
Sorry, I got distracted
there for a moment.

00:15:31.446 --> 00:15:32.670
Okay?

00:15:32.670 --> 00:15:34.928
And then our middle finger
is about resignation.

00:15:34.928 --> 00:15:38.416
And it is by no coincidence
it is our middle finger

00:15:38.416 --> 00:15:42.343
to say no to the things
that are not serving us anymore.

00:15:42.343 --> 00:15:43.357
(Laughter)

00:15:43.357 --> 00:15:45.682
And the fourth layer is our pointer,

00:15:45.682 --> 00:15:46.691
and it's awareness,

00:15:46.691 --> 00:15:49.017
and it's about creating and observing

00:15:49.017 --> 00:15:53.511
and being aware of all
of the newfound space we've created

00:15:53.511 --> 00:15:55.098
from resignment.

00:15:55.098 --> 00:15:57.489
And finally, commitment.

00:15:57.489 --> 00:16:01.735
Remember that when we are able
to say yes to something,

00:16:01.735 --> 00:16:05.364
we also have to say no to something else.

00:16:05.613 --> 00:16:06.671
Thank you so much,

00:16:06.671 --> 00:16:09.460
and I trust that you're respecting
your capacity today.

00:16:09.460 --> 00:16:10.462
(Applause) (Cheers)

00:16:10.462 --> 00:16:11.787
Thank you.