[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:07.51,0:00:08.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hi, you guys!
Dialogue: 0,0:00:09.43,0:00:11.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you for\Nsticking around till the end.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:11.85,0:00:12.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:12.87,0:00:15.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I told my mom that no one\Nwould be here at the end,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.53,0:00:18.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she promised me\Nthat you guys would, so ...
Dialogue: 0,0:00:18.33,0:00:19.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:20.22,0:00:24.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK, so today I want to talk\Nabout how we talk about love.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:24.91,0:00:26.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And specifically,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.08,0:00:29.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to talk about what's wrong\Nwith how we talk about love.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:30.34,0:00:33.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Most of us will probably\Nfall in love a few times
Dialogue: 0,0:00:33.77,0:00:35.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,over the course of our lives,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:35.26,0:00:39.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in the English language,\Nthis metaphor, falling,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.50,0:00:42.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is really the main way that we\Ntalk about that experience.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:43.26,0:00:44.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know about you,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.44,0:00:46.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but when I conceptualize this metaphor,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:46.39,0:00:49.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what I picture is straight\Nout of a cartoon --
Dialogue: 0,0:00:49.75,0:00:51.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like there's a man,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:51.07,0:00:52.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he's walking down the sidewalk,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:52.81,0:00:55.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,without realizing it, he crosses\Nover an open manhole,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.94,0:00:59.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he just plummets into the sewer below.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.63,0:01:03.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I picture it this way\Nbecause falling is not jumping.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:04.44,0:01:06.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Falling is accidental,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.50,0:01:08.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's uncontrollable.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:08.42,0:01:11.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's something that happens to us\Nwithout our consent.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:11.97,0:01:16.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this is the main way we talk\Nabout starting a new relationship.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.01,0:01:21.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am a writer and I'm also\Nan English teacher,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.80,0:01:24.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which means I think\Nabout words for a living.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:24.11,0:01:28.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You could say that I get paid\Nto argue that the language we use matters,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.28,0:01:32.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I would like to argue\Nthat many of the metaphors we use
Dialogue: 0,0:01:32.50,0:01:34.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to talk about love --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.10,0:01:35.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,maybe even most of them --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.94,0:01:37.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are a problem.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.37,0:01:40.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, in love, we fall.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:41.44,0:01:42.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're struck.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:42.92,0:01:44.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are crushed.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:45.00,0:01:46.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We swoon.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.86,0:01:48.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We burn with passion.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:49.41,0:01:51.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Love makes us crazy,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:51.41,0:01:52.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it makes us sick.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.47,0:01:54.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our hearts ache,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:54.85,0:01:56.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then they break.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.90,0:02:01.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So our metaphors equate\Nthe experience of loving someone
Dialogue: 0,0:02:01.06,0:02:03.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to extreme violence or illness.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.74,0:02:05.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:06.77,0:02:07.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They do.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:07.95,0:02:09.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they position us as the victims
Dialogue: 0,0:02:09.95,0:02:13.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of unforeseen and totally\Nunavoidable circumstances.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:14.22,0:02:16.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My favorite one of these is "smitten,"
Dialogue: 0,0:02:16.96,0:02:19.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the past participle\Nof the word "smite."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:19.84,0:02:22.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you look this word up\Nin the dictionary --
Dialogue: 0,0:02:22.93,0:02:23.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:23.98,0:02:28.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you will see that it can be defined\Nas both "grievous affliction,"
Dialogue: 0,0:02:28.52,0:02:31.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and, "to be very much in love."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:33.39,0:02:36.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I tend to associate the word "smite"\Nwith a very particular context,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:36.75,0:02:38.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the Old Testament.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.23,0:02:43.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In the Book of Exodus alone,\Nthere are 16 references to smiting,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.00,0:02:47.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the word that the Bible uses\Nfor the vengeance of an angry God.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.80,0:02:49.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.54,0:02:52.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here we are using the same word\Nto talk about love
Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.27,0:02:54.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we use to explain\Na plague of locusts.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:54.72,0:02:55.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:55.78,0:02:57.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:57.06,0:02:59.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, how did this happen?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:59.17,0:03:03.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How have we come to associate love\Nwith great pain and suffering?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:03.19,0:03:07.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And why do we talk about\Nthis ostensibly good experience
Dialogue: 0,0:03:07.20,0:03:09.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as if we are victims?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:10.23,0:03:11.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are difficult questions,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:11.94,0:03:13.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I have some theories.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.61,0:03:14.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And to think this through,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:14.87,0:03:17.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to focus\Non one metaphor in particular,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:17.53,0:03:19.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the idea of love as madness.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.76,0:03:23.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I first started\Nresearching romantic love,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.49,0:03:26.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I found these madness\Nmetaphors everywhere.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:26.27,0:03:28.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The history of Western culture
Dialogue: 0,0:03:28.40,0:03:32.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is full of language\Nthat equates love to mental illness.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:33.11,0:03:35.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are just a few examples.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.06,0:03:36.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,William Shakespeare:
Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.43,0:03:37.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Love is merely a madness,"
Dialogue: 0,0:03:37.88,0:03:39.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from "As You Like It."
Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.76,0:03:41.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Friedrich Nietzsche:
Dialogue: 0,0:03:41.04,0:03:43.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"There is always some madness in love."
Dialogue: 0,0:03:44.23,0:03:47.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Got me looking, got me looking\Nso crazy in love --"
Dialogue: 0,0:03:47.12,0:03:49.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:49.21,0:03:51.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from the great philosopher,\NBeyoncé Knowles.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.83,0:03:53.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.75,0:03:57.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I fell in love for the first\Ntime when I was 20,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:57.61,0:04:00.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it was a pretty turbulent relationship\Nright from the start.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:01.13,0:04:04.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was long distance\Nfor the first couple of years,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:04.36,0:04:08.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so for me that meant very high highs\Nand very low lows.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:09.46,0:04:11.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can remember one moment in particular.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:12.25,0:04:15.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was sitting on a bed\Nin a hostel in South America,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:15.62,0:04:19.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was watching the person\NI love walk out the door.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.82,0:04:21.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was late,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:21.46,0:04:22.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was nearly midnight,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.74,0:04:24.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we'd gotten into an argument over dinner,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:24.74,0:04:26.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when we got back to our room,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.72,0:04:29.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he threw his things in the bag\Nand stormed out.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:30.81,0:04:34.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,While I can no longer remember\Nwhat that argument was about,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:34.09,0:04:38.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I very clearly remember\Nhow I felt watching him leave.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:38.79,0:04:42.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was 22, it was my first time\Nin the developing world,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.09,0:04:45.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was totally alone.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.08,0:04:49.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had another week until my flight home,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:49.47,0:04:51.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I knew the name\Nof the town that I was in,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:51.86,0:04:55.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the name of the city\Nthat I needed to get to to fly out,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:55.47,0:04:58.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I had no idea how to get around.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:59.51,0:05:02.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had no guidebook and very little money,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.71,0:05:04.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I spoke no Spanish.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.22,0:05:07.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Someone more adventurous than me
Dialogue: 0,0:05:07.34,0:05:09.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,might have seen this\Nas a moment of opportunity,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:09.79,0:05:11.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I just froze.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:12.08,0:05:13.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just sat there.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:14.41,0:05:16.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I burst into tears.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.03,0:05:19.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But despite my panic,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:19.42,0:05:21.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,some small voice in my head thought,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.02,0:05:24.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Wow. That was dramatic.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:24.38,0:05:27.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I must really be doing\Nthis love thing right."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:27.10,0:05:28.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:28.91,0:05:33.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because some part of me\Nwanted to feel miserable in love.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:33.90,0:05:37.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it sounds so strange\Nto me now, but at 22,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:37.36,0:05:40.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I longed to have dramatic experiences,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:40.53,0:05:45.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in that moment, I was irrational\Nand furious and devastated,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.75,0:05:46.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and weirdly enough,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:46.100,0:05:50.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought that this somehow\Nlegitimized the feelings I had
Dialogue: 0,0:05:50.40,0:05:52.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the guy who had just left me.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:53.83,0:05:58.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think on some level I wanted\Nto feel a little bit crazy,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:58.22,0:06:01.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I thought\Nthat that was how loved worked.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:02.81,0:06:04.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This really should not be surprising,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.64,0:06:07.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,considering that according to Wikipedia,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:07.12,0:06:09.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there are eight films,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:09.42,0:06:11.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,14 songs,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:11.44,0:06:14.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,two albums and one novel\Nwith the title "Crazy Love."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:15.51,0:06:18.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,About half an hour later,\Nhe came back to our room.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:18.66,0:06:19.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We made up.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:19.83,0:06:22.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We spent another mostly happy week\Ntraveling together.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:22.67,0:06:24.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then, when I got home,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:24.13,0:06:29.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought, "That was\Nso terrible and so great.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:29.66,0:06:31.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This must be a real romance."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:32.68,0:06:35.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I expected my first love\Nto feel like madness,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:35.40,0:06:39.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and of course, it met\Nthat expectation very well.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:39.61,0:06:41.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But loving someone like that --
Dialogue: 0,0:06:41.33,0:06:45.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as if my entire well-being depended\Non him loving me back --
Dialogue: 0,0:06:45.44,0:06:47.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was not very good for me
Dialogue: 0,0:06:47.56,0:06:48.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or for him.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:49.52,0:06:53.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I suspect this experience of love\Nis not that unusual.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:53.70,0:06:57.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Most of us do feel a bit mad\Nin the early stages of romantic love.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:58.48,0:07:02.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, there is research to confirm\Nthat this is somewhat normal,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:02.95,0:07:04.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because, neurochemically speaking,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:04.86,0:07:09.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,romantic love and mental illness\Nare not that easily distinguished.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:10.72,0:07:11.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is true.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:11.89,0:07:16.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This study from 1999 used blood tests
Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.47,0:07:19.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to confirm that the serotonin levels\Nof the newly in love
Dialogue: 0,0:07:19.59,0:07:22.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,very closely resembled\Nthe serotonin levels
Dialogue: 0,0:07:22.41,0:07:25.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of people who had been diagnosed\Nwith obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:25.74,0:07:26.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:07:26.77,0:07:29.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, and low levels of serotonin
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.50,0:07:33.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are also associated\Nwith seasonal affective disorder
Dialogue: 0,0:07:33.12,0:07:34.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and depression.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:35.36,0:07:37.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So there is some evidence
Dialogue: 0,0:07:37.64,0:07:41.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that love is associated with changes\Nto our moods and our behaviors.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:42.01,0:07:46.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there are other studies to confirm
Dialogue: 0,0:07:46.04,0:07:49.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that most relationships begin this way.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:50.33,0:07:54.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Researchers believe\Nthat the low levels of serotonin
Dialogue: 0,0:07:54.52,0:07:58.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is correlated with obsessive thinking\Nabout the object of love,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:58.58,0:08:02.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is like this feeling that someone\Nhas set up camp in your brain.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:02.66,0:08:05.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And most of us feel this way\Nwhen we first fall in love.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:05.61,0:08:08.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the good news is,\Nit doesn't always last that long --
Dialogue: 0,0:08:08.76,0:08:11.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,usually from a few months\Nto a couple of years.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:13.02,0:08:15.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I got back from my trip\Nto South America,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:15.85,0:08:19.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I spent a lot of time alone in my room,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:19.46,0:08:20.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,checking my email,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:20.82,0:08:23.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,desperate to hear from the guy I loved.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:24.22,0:08:29.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I decided that if my friends could not\Nunderstand my grievous affliction,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:29.59,0:08:31.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then I did not need their friendship.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:31.56,0:08:33.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I stopped hanging out\Nwith most of them.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.06,0:08:38.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was probably\Nthe most unhappy year of my life.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.76,0:08:42.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I think I felt like\Nit was my job to be miserable,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:43.52,0:08:45.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because if I could be miserable,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:45.34,0:08:48.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then I would prove how much I loved him.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:48.03,0:08:49.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if I could prove it,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:49.94,0:08:52.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then we would have to end up\Ntogether eventually.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:53.72,0:08:55.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is the real madness,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:55.83,0:08:58.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because there is no cosmic rule
Dialogue: 0,0:08:58.25,0:09:01.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that says that great suffering\Nequals great reward,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:02.15,0:09:06.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we talk about love as if this is true.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:07.13,0:09:10.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our experiences of love\Nare both biological and cultural.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:11.44,0:09:13.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our biology tells us that love is good
Dialogue: 0,0:09:13.93,0:09:17.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by activating these\Nreward circuits in our brain,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:17.10,0:09:21.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it tells us that love is painful\Nwhen, after a fight or a breakup,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:21.75,0:09:24.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that neurochemical reward is withdrawn.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:24.82,0:09:27.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in fact -- and maybe\Nyou've heard this --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:27.29,0:09:29.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,neurochemically speaking,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:29.16,0:09:32.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,going through a breakup is a lot\Nlike going through cocaine withdrawal,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:33.34,0:09:34.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which I find reassuring.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:35.00,0:09:36.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:09:36.74,0:09:39.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then our culture uses language
Dialogue: 0,0:09:39.59,0:09:42.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to shape and reinforce\Nthese ideas about love.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:42.40,0:09:45.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In this case, we're talking\Nabout metaphors about pain
Dialogue: 0,0:09:45.04,0:09:46.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and addiction and madness.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:47.50,0:09:49.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's kind of an interesting feedback loop.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:49.96,0:09:53.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Love is powerful and at times painful,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:53.50,0:09:56.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we express this\Nin our words and stories,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:56.85,0:09:59.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but then our words and stories prime us
Dialogue: 0,0:09:59.37,0:10:02.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to expect love to be powerful and painful.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:03.62,0:10:06.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's interesting to me\Nis that all of this happens
Dialogue: 0,0:10:06.82,0:10:09.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in a culture that values\Nlifelong monogamy.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:10.33,0:10:12.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It seems like we want it both ways:
Dialogue: 0,0:10:12.41,0:10:14.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we want love to feel like madness,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:15.39,0:10:18.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we want it to last an entire lifetime.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:19.23,0:10:20.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That sounds terrible.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:20.82,0:10:22.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:10:23.52,0:10:25.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To reconcile this,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:25.14,0:10:30.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we need to either change our culture\Nor change our expectations.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.08,0:10:34.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, imagine if we were all\Nless passive in love.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:35.31,0:10:39.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If we were more assertive,\Nmore open-mined, more generous
Dialogue: 0,0:10:39.48,0:10:42.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and instead of falling in love,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.81,0:10:45.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we stepped into love.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:45.89,0:10:47.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know that this is asking a lot,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:47.85,0:10:51.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I'm not actually\Nthe first person to suggest this.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:52.68,0:10:55.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In their book, "Metaphors We Live By,"
Dialogue: 0,0:10:55.22,0:11:00.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff\Nsuggest a really interesting solution
Dialogue: 0,0:11:00.35,0:11:01.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to this dilemma,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:02.16,0:11:04.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is to change our metaphors.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:05.46,0:11:09.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They argue that metaphors really do shape\Nthe way we experience the world,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:10.74,0:11:14.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that they can even act\Nas a guide for future actions,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:14.26,0:11:16.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like self-fulfilling prophecies.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:17.16,0:11:20.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Johnson and Lakoff suggest\Na new metaphor for love:
Dialogue: 0,0:11:21.65,0:11:23.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,love as a collaborative work of art.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:24.54,0:11:27.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I really like this way\Nof thinking about love.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:28.70,0:11:32.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Linguists talk about metaphors\Nas having entailments,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:32.24,0:11:36.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is essentially a way of considering\Nall the implications of,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:36.06,0:11:38.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or ideas contained\Nwithin, a given metaphor.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:39.02,0:11:41.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And Johnson and Lakoff\Ntalk about everything
Dialogue: 0,0:11:41.95,0:11:44.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that collaborating\Non a work of art entails:
Dialogue: 0,0:11:44.65,0:11:48.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,effort, compromise,\Npatience, shared goals.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:49.32,0:11:53.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These ideas align nicely\Nwith our cultural investment
Dialogue: 0,0:11:53.18,0:11:55.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in long-term romantic commitment,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:55.28,0:11:58.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but they also work well\Nfor other kinds of relationships --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:59.69,0:12:05.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,short-term, casual, polyamorous,\Nnon-monogamous, asexual --
Dialogue: 0,0:12:05.37,0:12:09.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because this metaphor brings\Nmuch more complex ideas
Dialogue: 0,0:12:09.28,0:12:11.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to the experience of loving someone.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:12.34,0:12:16.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So if love is a collaborative work of art,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:16.76,0:12:20.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then love is an aesthetic experience.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:21.19,0:12:23.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Love is unpredictable,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:23.82,0:12:25.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,love is creative,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:26.57,0:12:30.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,love requires communication\Nand discipline,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:30.72,0:12:33.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it is frustrating\Nand emotionally demanding.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:34.35,0:12:37.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And love involves both joy and pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:38.41,0:12:42.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ultimately, each experience\Nof love is different.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:43.43,0:12:45.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was younger,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:45.08,0:12:49.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it never occurred to me that I was allowed\Nto demand more from love,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:49.77,0:12:53.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I didn't have to just accept\Nwhatever love offered.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:54.44,0:12:57.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When 14-year-old Juliet first meets --
Dialogue: 0,0:12:57.80,0:13:01.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or, when 14-year-old Juliet\Ncannot be with Romeo,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:01.75,0:13:04.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whom she has met four days ago ...
Dialogue: 0,0:13:05.84,0:13:09.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she does not feel disappointed or angsty.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:10.19,0:13:11.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Where is she?
Dialogue: 0,0:13:11.57,0:13:12.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She wants to die.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:13.41,0:13:14.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right?
Dialogue: 0,0:13:14.58,0:13:17.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And just as a refresher,\Nat this point in the play,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:17.07,0:13:18.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,act three of five,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:18.41,0:13:20.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Romeo is not dead.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:20.81,0:13:22.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He's alive,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:22.18,0:13:23.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he's healthy,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:23.59,0:13:25.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he's just been banished from the city.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:26.62,0:13:33.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I understand that 16th-century Verona\Nis unlike contemporary North America,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:33.05,0:13:36.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and yet when I first read this play,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:36.05,0:13:38.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,also at age 14,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:38.47,0:13:41.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Juliet's suffering made sense to me.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:42.46,0:13:47.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Reframing love as something\NI get to create with someone I admire,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:47.85,0:13:50.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,rather than something\Nthat just happens to me
Dialogue: 0,0:13:50.31,0:13:52.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,without my control or consent,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:52.86,0:13:54.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is empowering.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:54.95,0:13:56.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's still hard.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:56.59,0:14:02.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Love still feels totally maddening\Nand crushing some days,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:02.15,0:14:04.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when I feel really frustrated,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:04.29,0:14:05.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have to remind myself:
Dialogue: 0,0:14:06.16,0:14:09.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my job in this relationship\Nis to talk to my partner
Dialogue: 0,0:14:09.53,0:14:11.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about what I want to make together.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:12.56,0:14:15.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This isn't easy, either.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:15.93,0:14:19.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it's just so much better\Nthan the alternative,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:19.84,0:14:22.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is that thing\Nthat feels like madness.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:23.75,0:14:29.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This version of love is not about winning\Nor losing someone's affection.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:29.93,0:14:33.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Instead, it requires\Nthat you trust your partner
Dialogue: 0,0:14:33.55,0:14:36.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and talk about things\Nwhen trusting feels difficult,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:36.65,0:14:39.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which sounds so simple,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:39.12,0:14:43.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but is actually a kind\Nof revolutionary, radical act.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:44.23,0:14:48.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this is because you get to stop\Nthinking about yourself
Dialogue: 0,0:14:48.40,0:14:51.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and what you're gaining\Nor losing in your relationship,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:51.56,0:14:54.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you get to start thinking\Nabout what you have to offer.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:55.98,0:14:59.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This version of love\Nallows us to say things like,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:59.41,0:15:04.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hey, we're not very good collaborators.\NMaybe this isn't for us."
Dialogue: 0,0:15:04.86,0:15:08.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or, "That relationship\Nwas shorter than I had planned,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:08.75,0:15:10.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it was still kind of beautiful."
Dialogue: 0,0:15:12.01,0:15:14.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The beautiful thing\Nabout the collaborative work of art
Dialogue: 0,0:15:14.82,0:15:17.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that it will not paint\Nor draw or sculpt itself.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:18.27,0:15:21.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This version of love allows us\Nto decide what it looks like.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:22.20,0:15:23.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:23.38,0:15:27.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)