0:00:07.508,0:00:08.658
Hi, you guys!

0:00:09.429,0:00:11.825
Thank you for[br]sticking around till the end.

0:00:11.849,0:00:12.849
(Laughter)

0:00:12.873,0:00:15.508
I told my mom that no one[br]would be here at the end,

0:00:15.532,0:00:18.309
and she promised me[br]that you guys would, so ...

0:00:18.333,0:00:19.666
(Laughter)

0:00:20.223,0:00:24.523
OK, so today I want to talk[br]about how we talk about love.

0:00:24.907,0:00:26.057
And specifically,

0:00:26.081,0:00:29.516
I want to talk about what's wrong[br]with how we talk about love.

0:00:30.343,0:00:33.750
Most of us will probably[br]fall in love a few times

0:00:33.774,0:00:35.239
over the course of our lives,

0:00:35.263,0:00:39.473
and in the English language,[br]this metaphor, falling,

0:00:39.497,0:00:42.511
is really the main way that we[br]talk about that experience.

0:00:43.262,0:00:44.413
I don't know about you,

0:00:44.437,0:00:46.364
but when I conceptualize this metaphor,

0:00:46.388,0:00:49.266
what I picture is straight[br]out of a cartoon --

0:00:49.746,0:00:51.042
like there's a man,

0:00:51.066,0:00:52.783
he's walking down the sidewalk,

0:00:52.807,0:00:55.919
without realizing it, he crosses[br]over an open manhole,

0:00:55.943,0:00:59.604
and he just plummets into the sewer below.

0:00:59.628,0:01:03.708
And I picture it this way[br]because falling is not jumping.

0:01:04.439,0:01:06.471
Falling is accidental,

0:01:06.495,0:01:08.397
it's uncontrollable.

0:01:08.421,0:01:11.946
It's something that happens to us[br]without our consent.

0:01:11.970,0:01:16.754
And this is the main way we talk[br]about starting a new relationship.

0:01:18.006,0:01:21.773
I am a writer and I'm also[br]an English teacher,

0:01:21.797,0:01:24.082
which means I think[br]about words for a living.

0:01:24.106,0:01:28.256
You could say that I get paid[br]to argue that the language we use matters,

0:01:28.280,0:01:32.480
and I would like to argue[br]that many of the metaphors we use

0:01:32.504,0:01:34.071
to talk about love --

0:01:34.095,0:01:35.918
maybe even most of them --

0:01:35.942,0:01:37.343
are a problem.

0:01:38.370,0:01:40.263
So, in love, we fall.

0:01:41.436,0:01:42.901
We're struck.

0:01:42.925,0:01:44.321
We are crushed.

0:01:45.001,0:01:46.371
We swoon.

0:01:46.856,0:01:48.653
We burn with passion.

0:01:49.408,0:01:51.385
Love makes us crazy,

0:01:51.409,0:01:52.973
and it makes us sick.

0:01:53.466,0:01:54.826
Our hearts ache,

0:01:54.850,0:01:56.856
and then they break.

0:01:57.896,0:02:01.040
So our metaphors equate[br]the experience of loving someone

0:02:01.064,0:02:03.717
to extreme violence or illness.

0:02:03.741,0:02:05.826
(Laughter)

0:02:06.771,0:02:07.922
They do.

0:02:07.946,0:02:09.929
And they position us as the victims

0:02:09.953,0:02:13.312
of unforeseen and totally[br]unavoidable circumstances.

0:02:14.217,0:02:16.940
My favorite one of these is "smitten,"

0:02:16.964,0:02:19.818
which is the past participle[br]of the word "smite."

0:02:19.842,0:02:22.910
And if you look this word up[br]in the dictionary --

0:02:22.934,0:02:23.958
(Laughter)

0:02:23.982,0:02:28.500
you will see that it can be defined[br]as both "grievous affliction,"

0:02:28.524,0:02:31.375
and, "to be very much in love."

0:02:33.386,0:02:36.730
I tend to associate the word "smite"[br]with a very particular context,

0:02:36.754,0:02:38.318
which is the Old Testament.

0:02:39.230,0:02:43.978
In the Book of Exodus alone,[br]there are 16 references to smiting,

0:02:44.002,0:02:47.775
which is the word that the Bible uses[br]for the vengeance of an angry God.

0:02:47.799,0:02:49.520
(Laughter)

0:02:49.544,0:02:52.249
Here we are using the same word[br]to talk about love

0:02:52.273,0:02:54.699
that we use to explain[br]a plague of locusts.

0:02:54.723,0:02:55.751
(Laughter)

0:02:55.775,0:02:57.031
Right?

0:02:57.055,0:02:59.147
So, how did this happen?

0:02:59.171,0:03:03.162
How have we come to associate love[br]with great pain and suffering?

0:03:03.186,0:03:07.175
And why do we talk about[br]this ostensibly good experience

0:03:07.199,0:03:09.303
as if we are victims?

0:03:10.226,0:03:11.917
These are difficult questions,

0:03:11.941,0:03:13.587
but I have some theories.

0:03:13.611,0:03:14.850
And to think this through,

0:03:14.874,0:03:17.502
I want to focus[br]on one metaphor in particular,

0:03:17.526,0:03:19.697
which is the idea of love as madness.

0:03:20.758,0:03:23.465
When I first started[br]researching romantic love,

0:03:23.489,0:03:26.250
I found these madness[br]metaphors everywhere.

0:03:26.274,0:03:28.377
The history of Western culture

0:03:28.401,0:03:32.338
is full of language[br]that equates love to mental illness.

0:03:33.110,0:03:35.037
These are just a few examples.

0:03:35.061,0:03:36.404
William Shakespeare:

0:03:36.428,0:03:37.861
"Love is merely a madness,"

0:03:37.885,0:03:39.202
from "As You Like It."

0:03:39.762,0:03:41.019
Friedrich Nietzsche:

0:03:41.043,0:03:43.546
"There is always some madness in love."

0:03:44.229,0:03:47.095
"Got me looking, got me looking[br]so crazy in love --"

0:03:47.119,0:03:49.188
(Laughter)

0:03:49.212,0:03:51.810
from the great philosopher,[br]Beyoncé Knowles.

0:03:51.834,0:03:53.295
(Laughter)

0:03:54.753,0:03:57.587
I fell in love for the first[br]time when I was 20,

0:03:57.611,0:04:00.790
and it was a pretty turbulent relationship[br]right from the start.

0:04:01.129,0:04:04.334
And it was long distance[br]for the first couple of years,

0:04:04.358,0:04:08.954
so for me that meant very high highs[br]and very low lows.

0:04:09.464,0:04:11.668
I can remember one moment in particular.

0:04:12.250,0:04:15.595
I was sitting on a bed[br]in a hostel in South America,

0:04:15.619,0:04:19.315
and I was watching the person[br]I love walk out the door.

0:04:19.821,0:04:21.434
And it was late,

0:04:21.458,0:04:22.718
it was nearly midnight,

0:04:22.742,0:04:24.719
we'd gotten into an argument over dinner,

0:04:24.743,0:04:26.692
and when we got back to our room,

0:04:26.716,0:04:29.441
he threw his things in the bag[br]and stormed out.

0:04:30.811,0:04:34.070
While I can no longer remember[br]what that argument was about,

0:04:34.094,0:04:38.149
I very clearly remember[br]how I felt watching him leave.

0:04:38.792,0:04:42.337
I was 22, it was my first time[br]in the developing world,

0:04:43.094,0:04:45.349
and I was totally alone.

0:04:46.082,0:04:49.449
I had another week until my flight home,

0:04:49.473,0:04:51.841
and I knew the name[br]of the town that I was in,

0:04:51.865,0:04:55.448
and the name of the city[br]that I needed to get to to fly out,

0:04:55.472,0:04:58.728
but I had no idea how to get around.

0:04:59.512,0:05:02.689
I had no guidebook and very little money,

0:05:02.713,0:05:04.483
and I spoke no Spanish.

0:05:05.217,0:05:07.314
Someone more adventurous than me

0:05:07.338,0:05:09.768
might have seen this[br]as a moment of opportunity,

0:05:09.792,0:05:11.622
but I just froze.

0:05:12.076,0:05:13.893
I just sat there.

0:05:14.408,0:05:16.451
And then I burst into tears.

0:05:17.027,0:05:19.398
But despite my panic,

0:05:19.422,0:05:21.992
some small voice in my head thought,

0:05:22.016,0:05:24.353
"Wow. That was dramatic.

0:05:24.377,0:05:27.076
I must really be doing[br]this love thing right."

0:05:27.100,0:05:28.888
(Laughter)

0:05:28.912,0:05:33.432
Because some part of me[br]wanted to feel miserable in love.

0:05:33.896,0:05:37.336
And it sounds so strange[br]to me now, but at 22,

0:05:37.360,0:05:40.505
I longed to have dramatic experiences,

0:05:40.529,0:05:45.727
and in that moment, I was irrational[br]and furious and devastated,

0:05:45.751,0:05:46.975
and weirdly enough,

0:05:46.999,0:05:50.375
I thought that this somehow[br]legitimized the feelings I had

0:05:50.399,0:05:52.238
for the guy who had just left me.

0:05:53.833,0:05:58.196
I think on some level I wanted[br]to feel a little bit crazy,

0:05:58.220,0:06:01.752
because I thought[br]that that was how loved worked.

0:06:02.811,0:06:04.618
This really should not be surprising,

0:06:04.642,0:06:07.096
considering that according to Wikipedia,

0:06:07.120,0:06:09.393
there are eight films,

0:06:09.417,0:06:11.414
14 songs,

0:06:11.438,0:06:14.635
two albums and one novel[br]with the title "Crazy Love."

0:06:15.507,0:06:18.633
About half an hour later,[br]he came back to our room.

0:06:18.657,0:06:19.808
We made up.

0:06:19.832,0:06:22.649
We spent another mostly happy week[br]traveling together.

0:06:22.673,0:06:24.105
And then, when I got home,

0:06:24.129,0:06:29.113
I thought, "That was[br]so terrible and so great.

0:06:29.659,0:06:31.374
This must be a real romance."

0:06:32.676,0:06:35.376
I expected my first love[br]to feel like madness,

0:06:35.400,0:06:39.180
and of course, it met[br]that expectation very well.

0:06:39.611,0:06:41.302
But loving someone like that --

0:06:41.326,0:06:45.421
as if my entire well-being depended[br]on him loving me back --

0:06:45.445,0:06:47.538
was not very good for me

0:06:47.562,0:06:48.712
or for him.

0:06:49.520,0:06:53.221
But I suspect this experience of love[br]is not that unusual.

0:06:53.696,0:06:57.907
Most of us do feel a bit mad[br]in the early stages of romantic love.

0:06:58.485,0:07:02.301
In fact, there is research to confirm[br]that this is somewhat normal,

0:07:02.950,0:07:04.836
because, neurochemically speaking,

0:07:04.860,0:07:09.422
romantic love and mental illness[br]are not that easily distinguished.

0:07:10.716,0:07:11.867
This is true.

0:07:11.891,0:07:16.450
This study from 1999 used blood tests

0:07:16.474,0:07:19.568
to confirm that the serotonin levels[br]of the newly in love

0:07:19.592,0:07:22.389
very closely resembled[br]the serotonin levels

0:07:22.413,0:07:25.718
of people who had been diagnosed[br]with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

0:07:25.742,0:07:26.750
(Laughter)

0:07:26.774,0:07:29.471
Yes, and low levels of serotonin

0:07:29.495,0:07:33.097
are also associated[br]with seasonal affective disorder

0:07:33.121,0:07:34.401
and depression.

0:07:35.357,0:07:37.617
So there is some evidence

0:07:37.641,0:07:41.989
that love is associated with changes[br]to our moods and our behaviors.

0:07:42.013,0:07:46.020
And there are other studies to confirm

0:07:46.044,0:07:49.734
that most relationships begin this way.

0:07:50.330,0:07:54.493
Researchers believe[br]that the low levels of serotonin

0:07:54.517,0:07:58.552
is correlated with obsessive thinking[br]about the object of love,

0:07:58.576,0:08:02.634
which is like this feeling that someone[br]has set up camp in your brain.

0:08:02.658,0:08:05.589
And most of us feel this way[br]when we first fall in love.

0:08:05.613,0:08:08.739
But the good news is,[br]it doesn't always last that long --

0:08:08.763,0:08:11.936
usually from a few months[br]to a couple of years.

0:08:13.022,0:08:15.830
When I got back from my trip[br]to South America,

0:08:15.854,0:08:19.431
I spent a lot of time alone in my room,

0:08:19.455,0:08:20.795
checking my email,

0:08:20.819,0:08:23.182
desperate to hear from the guy I loved.

0:08:24.215,0:08:29.563
I decided that if my friends could not[br]understand my grievous affliction,

0:08:29.587,0:08:31.536
then I did not need their friendship.

0:08:31.560,0:08:33.643
So I stopped hanging out[br]with most of them.

0:08:34.057,0:08:38.251
And it was probably[br]the most unhappy year of my life.

0:08:38.756,0:08:42.870
But I think I felt like[br]it was my job to be miserable,

0:08:43.519,0:08:45.311
because if I could be miserable,

0:08:45.335,0:08:48.002
then I would prove how much I loved him.

0:08:48.026,0:08:49.911
And if I could prove it,

0:08:49.935,0:08:52.889
then we would have to end up[br]together eventually.

0:08:53.720,0:08:55.808
This is the real madness,

0:08:55.832,0:08:58.227
because there is no cosmic rule

0:08:58.251,0:09:01.613
that says that great suffering[br]equals great reward,

0:09:02.148,0:09:06.052
but we talk about love as if this is true.

0:09:07.133,0:09:10.809
Our experiences of love[br]are both biological and cultural.

0:09:11.444,0:09:13.903
Our biology tells us that love is good

0:09:13.927,0:09:17.081
by activating these[br]reward circuits in our brain,

0:09:17.105,0:09:21.725
and it tells us that love is painful[br]when, after a fight or a breakup,

0:09:21.749,0:09:24.359
that neurochemical reward is withdrawn.

0:09:24.825,0:09:27.267
And in fact -- and maybe[br]you've heard this --

0:09:27.291,0:09:29.135
neurochemically speaking,

0:09:29.159,0:09:32.593
going through a breakup is a lot[br]like going through cocaine withdrawal,

0:09:33.345,0:09:34.981
which I find reassuring.

0:09:35.005,0:09:36.155
(Laughter)

0:09:36.736,0:09:39.568
And then our culture uses language

0:09:39.592,0:09:42.373
to shape and reinforce[br]these ideas about love.

0:09:42.397,0:09:45.021
In this case, we're talking[br]about metaphors about pain

0:09:45.045,0:09:46.560
and addiction and madness.

0:09:47.496,0:09:49.940
It's kind of an interesting feedback loop.

0:09:49.964,0:09:53.481
Love is powerful and at times painful,

0:09:53.505,0:09:56.270
and we express this[br]in our words and stories,

0:09:56.852,0:09:59.350
but then our words and stories prime us

0:09:59.374,0:10:02.836
to expect love to be powerful and painful.

0:10:03.625,0:10:06.798
What's interesting to me[br]is that all of this happens

0:10:06.822,0:10:09.545
in a culture that values[br]lifelong monogamy.

0:10:10.328,0:10:12.389
It seems like we want it both ways:

0:10:12.413,0:10:14.764
we want love to feel like madness,

0:10:15.388,0:10:18.534
and we want it to last an entire lifetime.

0:10:19.231,0:10:20.794
That sounds terrible.

0:10:20.818,0:10:22.347
(Laughter)

0:10:23.523,0:10:25.119
To reconcile this,

0:10:25.143,0:10:30.168
we need to either change our culture[br]or change our expectations.

0:10:31.078,0:10:34.671
So, imagine if we were all[br]less passive in love.

0:10:35.312,0:10:39.458
If we were more assertive,[br]more open-mined, more generous

0:10:39.482,0:10:42.783
and instead of falling in love,

0:10:42.807,0:10:45.032
we stepped into love.

0:10:45.893,0:10:47.822
I know that this is asking a lot,

0:10:47.846,0:10:51.320
but I'm not actually[br]the first person to suggest this.

0:10:52.682,0:10:55.191
In their book, "Metaphors We Live By,"

0:10:55.215,0:11:00.329
linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff[br]suggest a really interesting solution

0:11:00.353,0:11:01.571
to this dilemma,

0:11:02.161,0:11:04.577
which is to change our metaphors.

0:11:05.465,0:11:09.882
They argue that metaphors really do shape[br]the way we experience the world,

0:11:10.741,0:11:14.239
and that they can even act[br]as a guide for future actions,

0:11:14.263,0:11:16.151
like self-fulfilling prophecies.

0:11:17.159,0:11:20.715
Johnson and Lakoff suggest[br]a new metaphor for love:

0:11:21.647,0:11:23.761
love as a collaborative work of art.

0:11:24.542,0:11:27.592
I really like this way[br]of thinking about love.

0:11:28.698,0:11:32.220
Linguists talk about metaphors[br]as having entailments,

0:11:32.244,0:11:36.040
which is essentially a way of considering[br]all the implications of,

0:11:36.064,0:11:38.996
or ideas contained[br]within, a given metaphor.

0:11:39.020,0:11:41.929
And Johnson and Lakoff[br]talk about everything

0:11:41.953,0:11:44.105
that collaborating[br]on a work of art entails:

0:11:44.646,0:11:48.801
effort, compromise,[br]patience, shared goals.

0:11:49.325,0:11:53.155
These ideas align nicely[br]with our cultural investment

0:11:53.179,0:11:55.252
in long-term romantic commitment,

0:11:55.276,0:11:58.887
but they also work well[br]for other kinds of relationships --

0:11:59.690,0:12:05.346
short-term, casual, polyamorous,[br]non-monogamous, asexual --

0:12:05.370,0:12:09.255
because this metaphor brings[br]much more complex ideas

0:12:09.279,0:12:11.319
to the experience of loving someone.

0:12:12.340,0:12:16.734
So if love is a collaborative work of art,

0:12:16.758,0:12:20.170
then love is an aesthetic experience.

0:12:21.194,0:12:23.089
Love is unpredictable,

0:12:23.823,0:12:25.847
love is creative,

0:12:26.568,0:12:30.701
love requires communication[br]and discipline,

0:12:30.725,0:12:33.914
it is frustrating[br]and emotionally demanding.

0:12:34.347,0:12:37.697
And love involves both joy and pain.

0:12:38.412,0:12:42.031
Ultimately, each experience[br]of love is different.

0:12:43.429,0:12:45.056
When I was younger,

0:12:45.080,0:12:49.748
it never occurred to me that I was allowed[br]to demand more from love,

0:12:49.772,0:12:53.465
that I didn't have to just accept[br]whatever love offered.

0:12:54.445,0:12:57.774
When 14-year-old Juliet first meets --

0:12:57.798,0:13:01.723
or, when 14-year-old Juliet[br]cannot be with Romeo,

0:13:01.747,0:13:04.889
whom she has met four days ago ...

0:13:05.836,0:13:09.646
she does not feel disappointed or angsty.

0:13:10.192,0:13:11.549
Where is she?

0:13:11.573,0:13:12.867
She wants to die.

0:13:13.406,0:13:14.557
Right?

0:13:14.581,0:13:17.050
And just as a refresher,[br]at this point in the play,

0:13:17.074,0:13:18.382
act three of five,

0:13:18.406,0:13:20.227
Romeo is not dead.

0:13:20.811,0:13:22.151
He's alive,

0:13:22.175,0:13:23.563
he's healthy,

0:13:23.587,0:13:25.781
he's just been banished from the city.

0:13:26.625,0:13:33.024
I understand that 16th-century Verona[br]is unlike contemporary North America,

0:13:33.048,0:13:36.026
and yet when I first read this play,

0:13:36.050,0:13:38.443
also at age 14,

0:13:38.467,0:13:41.150
Juliet's suffering made sense to me.

0:13:42.465,0:13:47.822
Reframing love as something[br]I get to create with someone I admire,

0:13:47.846,0:13:50.290
rather than something[br]that just happens to me

0:13:50.314,0:13:52.836
without my control or consent,

0:13:52.860,0:13:54.465
is empowering.

0:13:54.949,0:13:56.567
It's still hard.

0:13:56.591,0:14:02.123
Love still feels totally maddening[br]and crushing some days,

0:14:02.147,0:14:04.262
and when I feel really frustrated,

0:14:04.286,0:14:05.616
I have to remind myself:

0:14:06.165,0:14:09.509
my job in this relationship[br]is to talk to my partner

0:14:09.533,0:14:11.584
about what I want to make together.

0:14:12.561,0:14:15.355
This isn't easy, either.

0:14:15.926,0:14:19.695
But it's just so much better[br]than the alternative,

0:14:19.842,0:14:22.619
which is that thing[br]that feels like madness.

0:14:23.747,0:14:29.326
This version of love is not about winning[br]or losing someone's affection.

0:14:29.931,0:14:33.529
Instead, it requires[br]that you trust your partner

0:14:33.553,0:14:36.627
and talk about things[br]when trusting feels difficult,

0:14:36.651,0:14:39.097
which sounds so simple,

0:14:39.121,0:14:43.617
but is actually a kind[br]of revolutionary, radical act.

0:14:44.232,0:14:48.236
And this is because you get to stop[br]thinking about yourself

0:14:48.400,0:14:51.541
and what you're gaining[br]or losing in your relationship,

0:14:51.565,0:14:54.962
and you get to start thinking[br]about what you have to offer.

0:14:55.981,0:14:59.386
This version of love[br]allows us to say things like,

0:14:59.410,0:15:04.240
"Hey, we're not very good collaborators.[br]Maybe this isn't for us."

0:15:04.862,0:15:08.724
Or, "That relationship[br]was shorter than I had planned,

0:15:08.748,0:15:10.920
but it was still kind of beautiful."

0:15:12.006,0:15:14.796
The beautiful thing[br]about the collaborative work of art

0:15:14.820,0:15:17.711
is that it will not paint[br]or draw or sculpt itself.

0:15:18.268,0:15:21.847
This version of love allows us[br]to decide what it looks like.

0:15:22.203,0:15:23.354
Thank you.

0:15:23.378,0:15:27.910
(Applause)