[MUSIC: Sunglasses At Night by Corey Hart...]

If I was born into the right body

that was just the like most like useless airquotes ever

If I was born into the "right" body.

I would probably either be a trans man

or like a lesbian separatist.

I would probably live like in the woods

worship the mother goddess

and invent little guillotines to cut off penises

that's probably what I would do.

Um, I sort of like being trans.

Uh.

Do you mean into a body that might get me laid more?

I kind of like my body.

I don't think I understand this question.

What if YOU were born into the right body?

My real name is John Denver.

Um, well, it's actually funny um it's funny that you ask that

I was actually raised by wolves,

and so my real name, my like given name is really hard to pronounce, um, in English.

[MAKING WOLF SOUNDS:]

whoooooowoowowhoooooo...

It roughly translates as Shadow of the Wind, um

and I don't really know why that was an appropriate name for me.

My real name is John Tesh.

They're wolves. Everything's "the wind" something

I don't know, have you had surgery yet?

Not trying to be mean here, but, it wouldn't hurt you.

In this area.

That's all I'm saying.

I don't actually talk about this with a lot of people cuz it's kind of uncomfortable.

When I was 13, um, sorry, this is really hard...

Yes, actually I have had surgery.

I had surgery right after I bought a yacht

and some um Faberge eggs

which are not very tasty.

I got this surgery because I had this really bad ingrown toenail

it was really nasty, it was pusy and green, it was really embarrassing

it was disgusting

I had to go to a podiatrist, they had to drain all of this shit out of it

the green yellow nasty stuff

Um but yeah, I had surgery and then I bought a house and, um,

well, a mansion, and I bought a baseball team.

They're not doing very well.

I guess I need to start talking about it, right?

Cause I just feel that it's really dishonest of me to hide things from you

because everyone deserves to know about these things.

But yeah, I've had surgery, all kinds of surgery.

I had um a new index finger installed

it's made out of granite. It's hard to bend.

I actually signed a legal document saying that I would never reveal my real voice again.

One of the benefits and one of the problems with being a trans woman

is that going on hormones doesn't actually like change your voice.

So for here it actually helps though

because I can get my voice back down to kind of the register it was at before I transitioned

[CLEARS THROAT]

So, let me just, let me just prepare for a second.

[IN A LOWER, MECHANICAL-SOUNDING VOICE]

It sounded a lot like this.

Um, it sounded just like the devil, um

and actually uh actually I was the devil for a little bit

Um, and then I realized that I was really uncomfortable with myself

and I needed to be true to myself

and I realized that I was just a woman trapped in a demon's body.

My real voice is so sexy, so hot, that one day I was at home

and this big black van with no windows pulled up out front,

six people got out with like suits and dark sunglasses and all

and they came into the house

and they uh put a bag over my head

and put me out in the van and drove away

and I actually had to go to this government vocal retraining program

Apparently there was about to be an economic collapse in the US

because my voice was so sexy that nobody could get anything done.

No.

Yes.

Well, I have a cunt

so that makes me a man.

Yes I am.

No, definitely, definitely, definitely no. 100%

Yes. Yes, I'm definitely one of those.

Depending on who's talking.

I'm going to go with option C.

Yes, I am.

I think.

Oh my gaaaaawwwd. I'm sorry!

Come here

Let's talk.

Let's talk about it.

Ohhhh. You're having a hard time?

This might make you feel better.

Here, lemme, lemme hold you.

Yeah, just a little bit closer

Now I feel bad.

Pronouns!

Yeah!

Who's yer pronoun!

I had a really traumatic childhood, um

[BREATHES OUT HEAVILY]

Um, it's actually really hard for me to talk about.

My stepmother used to make me

mow the lawn.

So, so when I was a kid

I had really bad acne, really bad skin,

it was really really hard.

And I think I just didn't want to deal with my acne

and finally it was like

"Alright! I'm trans! I'm trans. I have acne and I'm trans!"

And I would have to use like a leaf blower and blow off the driveway

[BREATHES OUT HEAVILY]

Once I sort of like dealt with the whole acne/trans thing

things got like easier and my skin cleared up

but I've actually recently had -no thanks to Julie Blair- but sort of I've broken out again

But here's the thing

I'm not trans anymore.

The event that really sealed it for me

really made me realize that I was trans was

we had to lay down mulch once

and, yknow it was like 300 pounds of mulch

and it took all day

and it was really sweaty and dirty and grose and we didn't get paid

and, it was just horrible

and my sisters spent all day

eating bonbons and watching Lifetime

And that's when I realized that was the life I wanted.

And that's when I realized I wanted to be a girl.

I was raised in the church, Catholic,

and we were always tought to you know

we should be giving to each other,

we should be giving back to the world

and I decided that I wanted to donate parts of my body to the world.

Especially information about my body to the world. Yeah.

For my whole life, um, I've just felt really uncomforable with

how few tentacles I've had.

I've always felt like I should have been born with more tentacles.

My titties are an offering to mankind

Which actually translates into a direct ticket to heaven.

The Catholic church is actually thinking about making me a saint for just, for martyring myself.

Unfortunately you know modern science has only come so far

so I figured that physically transitioning was the next best thing to being

a beautiful, majestic octopus, swimming the seven seas, inking things that attacked me.

Actually, every time I'm in bed with somebody

I can only think two words

they just run through my head over and over and over again

and those words are

pity fuck

[Sunglasses At Night by Corey Hart...]

[LAUGHING and UNCLEAR...]

Fuck you.

[MORE WOLF SOUNDS]

[LAUGHING AND UNCLEAR...]

Cunt. Man. Mancunt? Man cu..., cunt man.