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[MUSIC: Sunglasses At Night by Corey Hart...]

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If I was born into the right body

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that was just the like most like useless airquotes ever

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If I was born into the "right" body.

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I would probably either be a trans man

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or like a lesbian separatist.

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I would probably live like in the woods

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worship the mother goddess

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and invent little guillotines to cut off penises

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that's probably what I would do.

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Um, I sort of like being trans.

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Uh.

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Do you mean into a body that might get me laid more?

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I kind of like my body.

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I don't think I understand this question.

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What if YOU were born into the right body?

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My real name is John Denver.

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Um, well, it's actually funny um it's funny that you ask that

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I was actually raised by wolves,

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and so my real name, my like given name is really hard to pronounce, um, in English.

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[MAKING WOLF SOUNDS:]

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whoooooowoowowhoooooo...

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It roughly translates as Shadow of the Wind, um

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and I don't really know why that was an appropriate name for me.

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My real name is John Tesh.

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They're wolves. Everything's "the wind" something

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I don't know, have you had surgery yet?

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Not trying to be mean here, but, it wouldn't hurt you.

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In this area.

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That's all I'm saying.

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I don't actually talk about this with a lot of people cuz it's kind of uncomfortable.

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When I was 13, um, sorry, this is really hard...

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Yes, actually I have had surgery.

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I had surgery right after I bought a yacht

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and some um Faberge eggs

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which are not very tasty.

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I got this surgery because I had this really bad ingrown toenail

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it was really nasty, it was pusy and green, it was really embarrassing

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it was disgusting

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I had to go to a podiatrist, they had to drain all of this shit out of it

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the green yellow nasty stuff

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Um but yeah, I had surgery and then I bought a house and, um,

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well, a mansion, and I bought a baseball team.

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They're not doing very well.

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I guess I need to start talking about it, right?

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Cause I just feel that it's really dishonest of me to hide things from you

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because everyone deserves to know about these things.

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But yeah, I've had surgery, all kinds of surgery.

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I had um a new index finger installed

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it's made out of granite. It's hard to bend.

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I actually signed a legal document saying that I would never reveal my real voice again.

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One of the benefits and one of the problems with being a trans woman

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is that going on hormones doesn't actually like change your voice.

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So for here it actually helps though

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because I can get my voice back down to kind of the register it was at before I transitioned

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[CLEARS THROAT]

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So, let me just, let me just prepare for a second.

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[IN A LOWER, MECHANICAL-SOUNDING VOICE]

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It sounded a lot like this.

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Um, it sounded just like the devil, um

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and actually uh actually I was the devil for a little bit

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Um, and then I realized that I was really uncomfortable with myself

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and I needed to be true to myself

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and I realized that I was just a woman trapped in a demon's body.

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My real voice is so sexy, so hot, that one day I was at home

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and this big black van with no windows pulled up out front,

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six people got out with like suits and dark sunglasses and all

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and they came into the house

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and they uh put a bag over my head

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and put me out in the van and drove away

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and I actually had to go to this government vocal retraining program

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Apparently there was about to be an economic collapse in the US

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because my voice was so sexy that nobody could get anything done.

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No.

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Yes.

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Well, I have a cunt

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so that makes me a man.

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Yes I am.

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No, definitely, definitely, definitely no. 100%

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Yes. Yes, I'm definitely one of those.

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Depending on who's talking.

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I'm going to go with option C.

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Yes, I am.

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I think.

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Oh my gaaaaawwwd. I'm sorry!

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Come here

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Let's talk.

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Let's talk about it.

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Ohhhh. You're having a hard time?

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This might make you feel better.

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Here, lemme, lemme hold you.

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Yeah, just a little bit closer

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Now I feel bad.

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Pronouns!

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Yeah!

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Who's yer pronoun!

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I had a really traumatic childhood, um

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[BREATHES OUT HEAVILY]

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Um, it's actually really hard for me to talk about.

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My stepmother used to make me

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mow the lawn.

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So, so when I was a kid

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I had really bad acne, really bad skin,

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it was really really hard.

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And I think I just didn't want to deal with my acne

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and finally it was like

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"Alright! I'm trans! I'm trans. I have acne and I'm trans!"

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And I would have to use like a leaf blower and blow off the driveway

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[BREATHES OUT HEAVILY]

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Once I sort of like dealt with the whole acne/trans thing

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things got like easier and my skin cleared up

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but I've actually recently had -no thanks to Julie Blair- but sort of I've broken out again

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But here's the thing

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I'm not trans anymore.

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The event that really sealed it for me

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really made me realize that I was trans was

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we had to lay down mulch once

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and, yknow it was like 300 pounds of mulch

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and it took all day

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and it was really sweaty and dirty and grose and we didn't get paid

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and, it was just horrible

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and my sisters spent all day

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eating bonbons and watching Lifetime

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And that's when I realized that was the life I wanted.

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And that's when I realized I wanted to be a girl.

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I was raised in the church, Catholic,

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and we were always tought to you know

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we should be giving to each other,

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we should be giving back to the world

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and I decided that I wanted to donate parts of my body to the world.

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Especially information about my body to the world. Yeah.

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For my whole life, um, I've just felt really uncomforable with

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how few tentacles I've had.

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I've always felt like I should have been born with more tentacles.

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My titties are an offering to mankind

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Which actually translates into a direct ticket to heaven.

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The Catholic church is actually thinking about making me a saint for just, for martyring myself.

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Unfortunately you know modern science has only come so far

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so I figured that physically transitioning was the next best thing to being

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a beautiful, majestic octopus, swimming the seven seas, inking things that attacked me.

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Actually, every time I'm in bed with somebody

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I can only think two words

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they just run through my head over and over and over again

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and those words are

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pity fuck

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[Sunglasses At Night by Corey Hart...]

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[LAUGHING and UNCLEAR...]

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Fuck you.

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[MORE WOLF SOUNDS]

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[LAUGHING AND UNCLEAR...]

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Cunt. Man. Mancunt? Man cu..., cunt man.