WEBVTT

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What does being
a "young carer" mean?

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When someone we love
starts feeling unwell

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all the attention goes to that person,
to his or her needs.

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But what happens if that someone

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is your mum or your dad?

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What happens to you
if you are still a kid or a teenager

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when your parents
start becoming unwell?

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When I was a teen
I didn't have the slightest idea

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I was a "young carer".

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Like everyone else I went to school,
I had fun with my friends.

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But what lays behind these pictures,
that we don't see?

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Before telling you
about the hidden iceberg

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I want to take a step back,
go back to the start.

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If I'd ask you what has changed
and what has stayed the same,

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you'd probably tell me, apart from my age,
that I still love dogs

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and I've changed my haircut.

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But what stays invisible
in those pictures?

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What took me
from the child you see in the center

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to the adult I am today,

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passing through the adolescent me
you see on the left?

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Suddenly a tsunami
hit my family.

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A tsunami that has been growing
progressively, until devastating us.

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A tsunami called health problem.

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And when it hits one or both
of your parents

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and you are still a child
or an adolescent

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you rely on them

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it becomes really hard.

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And if I told you
that the health problem

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is a "mental health" problem?

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The load for a daughter or a son
can become extremely heavy

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and can be made of sense of guilt,
fear, anger, sadness,

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a whirlwind of alternating emotions
of love and hate,

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the constant feeling
of walking on eggshells,

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an excessive load of responsibilities,
difficulty concentrating

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and also doing
household chores,

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like doing the grocery shopping,
taking care of younger siblings,

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or talking to doctors
and managing therapy.

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Or being bullied,

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maybe because of the strange behaviour
your parent might display.

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But in addition to this

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you might find yourself dealing
with real emergencies

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for which no one
ever prepared you.

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Like handling the situation
when your father or mother

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see or hear things that do not exist:
psychosis.

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Or having to deal with the extreme swings
of mania and depression

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without anyone preparing you for that.

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Or even witnessing or thwarting
suicide attempts.

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On top of that,

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having to continue
with your everyday life,

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going to school, study...

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the reason why I am here today is that
another weight adds to our shoulders

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which is often that you can't talk
about it with anyone.

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If you say that your mum or dad
have a physical health issue,

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a cancer or another physical illness,

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hardly would someone
blame them for that

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or believe they are bad parents
or weak persons.

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Hardly would someone consider you
as genetically compromised

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and automatically destined
to inherit the same illness.

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But if you try to say that your mum
or dad suffer from major depression,

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bipolar disorder or schizophrenia,
or in case there is no diagnosis,

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you describe their behaviour

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and say: "there's something wrong
with mum or dad",

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the outside world's response
will be completely different.

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Still today, worldwide,
physical health and mental health

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are not granted
equal dignity and respect.

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Still today mental health
is not perceived

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as a common good for us all.

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And this causes a delay
in understanding what's happening

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inside of ourselves and our loved ones,
in asking and getting help,

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and often not getting
any treatment at all.

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And for you as a son or daughter,
the load becomes much heavier.

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The atmosphere you feel around you,

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communication problems,
within and outside the family,

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stigma, prejudice, shame

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may lead you to keep everything inside you
and not to say anything at all.

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But loneliness and silence are a heavy
load to carry for a minor.

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How did I cope
with the situation?

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What lays behind those photos
that can't be seen?

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Behind that smile?

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An armor started to form,
automatically,

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behind which I used to hide,
an armor made of ice

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that allowed me to keep fear,
anger and pain inside

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and prevent them from overwhelming me
and the people around me,

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and allowed me to keep on doing
the things my peers were also doing

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but which at the same time

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made me feel light years
apart from them,

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because it made me grow up
faster than others.

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At the same time
there was also a cry for help

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a cry for help that couldn't,
that wasn't able to come out

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and that no one,
not even in school, imagined.

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When did the first crack start
to open in that armor?

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When, for the first time, did light
start to seep in?

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I still fondly remember
the psychologist of the family counseling

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who is the first reliable person
outside my family

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with whom I could open myself up
and that gradually helped me

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identify trustworthy persons
around me, extended network

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that could support me.

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But the real watershed
for me has been

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reading on Internet forums the stories
of daughters and sons from other countries

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thanks to the love for languages
inherited from my parents.

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The stories of us children
of mentally ill parents

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are all different, all unique.

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But there's one thing that blows my mind
we have in common

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That we often believe
we are the only ones.

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But statistically that's impossible!
We're millions in the world

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Nevertheless we persuade ourselves
that no one else

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has ever experienced the same things
we have experienced.

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You know why that happens?

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Because we don't talk about
our stories of children.

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Through stories of activists, daughters
and sons from Australia, US & Canada,

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not only I could give a name
to emotions I had been feeling

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and understand they were a natural
reaction to what I experienced,

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but I could also acknowledge
the positive traits

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that I developed to cope
with that situation.

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So I took my first
intercontinental flight, alone

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and went to Vancouver, in Canada,
for the first conference as a speaker,

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to meet those daughters and sons,
to talk to them.

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That has been a moment of positive,
powerful reflection

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as in them I could see
the story I had lived,

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but also the one yet to be written.

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In them I saw the pain,
but also the power of redemption,

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to transform that pain
in seeds for change.

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I saw those positive traits
of resilience, empathy, courage,

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willingness to challenge the status quo
that I didn't recognize in me,

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until I saw them reflected through them
and finally felt mine, too.

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That encounter has been a gift,
an immeasurable gift,

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that keeps giving me energy even now.

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And it's a gift I strongly wanted
to bring back to Italy, to Europe

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to help other "forgotten children"

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take some of this burden
from off their shoulders.

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My wish is that no child,
no adolescent nor young adult

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has to feel alone anymore
when one or both parents

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start suffering from
a mental illness.

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It's an immense wish,
that needs everyone's help

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because, otherwise, how could I
prevent myself

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from carrying again the world
upon my shoulders?

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And so that brings us to today.

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In 2017, with other Italian daughters
and sons, Gaia, Carlo and Marco,

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we started the first Italian
not for profit

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created by and for daughters and sons

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to give voice to children and adolescents
who don't have a voice,

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to advocate for our rights
also within institutions

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and it is called COMIP,
Children of Mentally Ill Parents,

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daughters and sons.

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We started a project

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that is called
like the mini guide I've written

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and that I would have needed
when I was fifteen

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and is called: "When Mum Or Dad
Are Unwell

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mini guide to survival for children
of parents with mental ill health".

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It is a grassroots project,
started through crowdfunding,

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with the aid of people around me,
some of them are in this theater now,

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who believed
in the same wish

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and gave us the nourishment
to begin and fly high.

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This project has the ambitious goal
to donate a copy of this mini guide

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to all school and public libraries,
all family counseling centers

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and to mental health centers in Italy

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so that no child or teen is
ever left alone

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nor their families.

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Especially children whose parents
are not aware

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of their illness and are not even
in treatment for their disorder.

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We need to think about
these kids, too!

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I have been one of them
for quite some time.

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At first, when I started
planning this project

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I told myself: "I am never going to
make it, how am I going to do it?"

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Little by little, though, I asked help
from people around me

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also to professional hikers guides,
offering to tell

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my story in ten minutes
during an excursion

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and find this way people
from civil society

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who may not have lived
this type of experience

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who wanted to become our
"postmen of change"

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and deliver a copy of the mini guide
as a donation from Comip

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to the public library of their city.

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And now we've managed
to reach a lot of regions,

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from Aosta Valley to Sicily
and Sardinia.

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And we are not going to stop,
we want to reach them all.

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Another wish we have
is to raise awareness within institutions

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and make them do more for us,
but also civil society,

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and invest more in mental health.

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Another enormous wish
we are fulfilling

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is to meet schools,
talk to students, to young people.

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Not only caregivers, 
daughters & sons, but them all.

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To have a toolbox

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to deal with all emotions,
both positive and negative,

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with life's challenges
by starting well equipped,

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before feeling too unwell.

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To save lives.

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A long and winding road
lays ahead of us,

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but if there's one thing I know for sure

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is that one of the positive traits

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we daughters and sons of parents
with mental illness have

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is the willingness to change
the status quo.

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That's why I know that
that girl

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is going to make her wish come true,
with your help, too.

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If this story struck you,
moved you,

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talk about it, tell it
to your friends, to your colleagues.

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Let's open together that tiny door
that didn't open for us.

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Let the Light shine in!

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Thank you.

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(Applause)