WEBVTT

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Being in a couple is about
tenderness and loving one another.

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You dream of having kids together.

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You picture a future filled with
laughter and loving embraces.

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And then, one day,
you come back down to earth,

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and that's not exactly how it goes
every single time.

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One day, with our partner,
as with our kids,

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things are bound to get out of hand.

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Sometimes, we overreact.

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I could never have imagined
having such feelings of violence

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rise up inside of me

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towards the people
I love most in the world.

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I'm a psychotherapist,

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and, my whole life,
I've tried to figure out

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what makes us behave the way we do.

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Why do adults behave in
such an over-the-top way?

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And why don't children

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just do as they're asked?

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(Laughter)

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In order to answer these questions,
I looked at scientists for my research.

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These days, everyone talks about stress.

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It was the professor Hans Selye
who introduced the concept, in the 1950s,

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to describe the way the body adapts
in response to any kind of stimulation.

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Stress is therefore an adaptive response.

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To ensure our survival, a little gland
in our brain keeps watch, the amygdala.

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Since the dawn of time,
at the slightest hint of danger,

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it has set the body's alarm bells ringing,
adrenaline, cortisol.

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Our body is prepared for fight or flee.

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If I can't fight, or flee,

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I freeze, I play dead,
my body goes numb.

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Danger, or even frustration, or pressure,

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can trigger stress
in young and older alike.

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Stress can be recognized
as a physical response,

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adrenaline, cortisol,
coursing through my body,

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increased heart rate,
muscles tensed, jaw clenched,

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we get the feeling in our arms
of wanting to thump and to throw things,

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our legs want to stamp, to run.

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We, as adults, are able to bring
this stress response under control.

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Though it's not always easy
when our partner doesn't tidy up,

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or a two-year old child
doesn't want to put their boots on.

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But a child's brain
doesn't yet allow them

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to control this stress.

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When our child acts up,
everyone always says,

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"You should set some boundaries!"

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And we embark upon a struggle
to be the strongest

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even if it means we lose
our strength along the way

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because that's what happens.

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Fighting to come out on top
means that everyone loses.

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Sometimes, we think we've managed
to get a child to see reason.

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Because he stops.
He's not being well-behaved.

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He's just... frozen
as a reaction to stress.

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Setting boundaries is like
putting a lid on boiling milk.

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It boils over, all the same.
It must be held firmly.

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You have to clean up around it.

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No question of simply watching
the milk boil over without doing anything.

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And what if I turned off the gas?

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I'm going to tell you about how, one day,

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my mother managed to turn off the gas
when I'd boiled over.

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I was 13 years old.

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I slapped my mother.

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That's right, I slapped my mother.

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The action wasn't entirely voluntary.

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And she understood that.

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Of course, at the time,
she slapped me back.

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But, after that knee-jerk reaction,
she came to talk to me about it.

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To make me talk about it.

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She knew that when a child
goes to the doctor

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to have an injection,

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when they get home,

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all they want to do is to give
everyone else injections.

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They're on the safe side of the syringe.

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My mother wanted to know
where that slap came from.

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I was on my way back
from a friend's house,

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and I told my mother about
the scene that had shaken me up.

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My friend had had a huge fight
with her mother,

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who had slapped her,
and my friend had slapped her back.

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I was transfixed.

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I didn't understand.

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I made my way home on autopilot.

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Unable to think, to feel, to speak,

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to even understand
what was going on inside of me,

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until I saw my mother.

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At that moment, getting back
to my mother, my safety net,

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it was as if my body
had been given permission

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to come out of its frozen state.

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And then, the tension,

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pent up inside since witnessing
the slapping at my friend's house,

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came rushing back up to the surface.

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Adrenaline, cortisol,
my body was waking up.

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My muscles tightening,
I started to feel like I was

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getting angrier and angrier
and more and more tense.

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As I'd started feeling this aggression

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since seeing my mother,
I thought it was because of her.

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I got into a fight with her
over next to nothing.

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And then, my body did something
that stunned me.

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It reenacted the slap.

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My brain, unable to find the words
to explain things to my mother,

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had led my body to show my mother
the slap that had upset me so.

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So that she would help me.

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And she did help me.

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She helped me
to put my feelings into words.

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She helped me to turn off the gas

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under the milk
that was boiling inside of me.

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I could trust her.

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Another situation.

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In the street, a mother and her child.

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The child is walking quietly
down the street.

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There's traffic, and the mother
gets annoyed and says,

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"Hold my hand right now!"

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The child avoids holding
his mother's hand and moves away.

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To the child, avoidance
isn't a conscious decision.

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It's an autonomic stress response.

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Our stress puts stress on our children,

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and triggers a biological
reaction in their brain

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that disconnects
the outer layers of their brain.

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Sometimes, we ask a child who is acting up

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to think on their behaviour,
to little effect.

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Obviously, since their brain
is no longer connected.

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How can we reconnect
our children's brains?

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How can we shut off the stress circuit?

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That's where the white knight,
oxytocin, comes in.

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Oxytocin, the hormone of love,
of relationships,

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the hormone that helps
to reduce this stress.

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Touching a child,
looking at them lovingly,

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communicating warmly with them,

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helps them to fully recover their brain,
and to manage stress.

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That's what my mother did with me.

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"But isn't that rewarding
unacceptable behavior?"

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some would say.

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Most of us have learned to think of
love as a reward.

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Neuroscience has shown

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that showing our children love

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triggers the release of oxytocin,

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increases the number
of oxytocin receptors in the brain,

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reduces stress hormones,
boosts the immune system,

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and develops neuronal circuits
in the prefrontal area of the brain.

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The prefrontal area of the brain,
which allows us to feel empathy,

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enables self-control,
helps us to regulate our emotions,

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anticipation,

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the ability to understand and identify
the impact of our actions, responsibility,

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that's the kind of brain
we want our children to develop.

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Through a gesture, a smile,

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a show of attentiveness,

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we are preparing
our children for happiness.

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We are literally equipping
them to handle stress.

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We are helping them
to learn not to overreact,

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not to overreact later
on when they have children of their own.

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Love is the fuel we need to manage stress.

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Specifically speaking,

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I want to share with you
a little technique we've developed,

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my partner and I.

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Picture the scenario, it's 7 p.m.,
I've been with the kids all day,

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he's running slightly late,
and gets home

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having forgotten to do
the shopping I asked him to do.

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Then I freak out.

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My other half feels guilty.

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He sits down in front of the television
or goes off to the pharmacy.

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That's normal; men aren't allowed
to hurt women.

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He can't fight. He flees.

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But if he goes back out to do
the shopping I asked him to do,

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that's totally out of line.

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Because, really, the shopping,
the pharmacy, was just an excuse.

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What I needed him to do was to hold me.

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Why didn't I just ask him?

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Clearly, it doesn't make sense
to yell at him.

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But, even so, you have to see
that it makes sense.

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I feel helpless, powerless, all day long.

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So I have to summon up a little power,

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act tough, pull myself together,
for one thing at least.

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So I shout, I attack,
I'm under stress.

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That's where our technique comes in.

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He approaches me
when I'm getting all worked up,

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and takes me gently in his arms.

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He says to me,

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"There you go. There you go."

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Well, then, I push him away, obviously.

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Because that would be too easy.

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(Laughter)

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And then I'm not sure

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if he'd still love me
if I were stronger and without flaws.

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It's amazing when you think about it.

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I attack him or I push him away,
so that he will love me.

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Then I say to him,

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"Cut it out! Can't you see
I've got stuff to do?

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And that's all you can think about!"

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(Laughter)

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I flee, because I can't attack anymore.
I'm still under stress.

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If he holds me for seven seconds,

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oxytocin starts to flood my brain.

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I feel better.

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The oxytocin triggers
feelings of well-being, confidence,

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kind thoughts towards others.

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After 20 seconds, I feel much better.

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I start to unwind,
and cry on his shoulder.

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Of course, that doesn't work
for everybody.

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Sometimes, certain people
really can't stand being held.

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The kind of people who,
when they were children,

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experienced a great deal of rejection
by their own parents.

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They have fewer oxytocin receptors.

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They have a hyperactive stress circuit,
and are highly impulsive.

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But that can be repaired, with love.

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Love is also highly effective
with our children.

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Love is also highly effective
with our children.

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Remember the milk?

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Love is a super-effective way
to turn off the gas.

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The next time you feel
a power struggle developing,

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you will have something new to try out,

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I breathe, I reconnect
with the love I feel for my child,

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and I take them in my arms.

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At the very least, I let them see
the affection in my eyes.

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He might not calm down straight away.

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He may need to release
a little more tension first.

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The most important thing is
to stay connected to one another.

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When we are connected,
I reconnect his brain.

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I recover mine,

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and I regain the ability, in the street,
to calmly give the command,

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"Hold my hand in the street."

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And to send my other half a text
containing a single word, "Pharmacy."

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Responding with love,
when the going gets tough,

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takes care and effort
that is very soon rewarded.

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It's a huge time saver.

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And what if you topped up
your anti-stress fuel tank

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first thing each day?

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What if you prepared in advance,
to better face the day ahead?

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What if five minutes
of tender loving care every morning

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changed your life?

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It's worth a try!

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Thank you.

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(Applause)