0:00:04.292,0:00:07.210 Being in a couple is about[br]tenderness and loving one another. 0:00:07.211,0:00:08.918 You dream of having kids together. 0:00:08.919,0:00:12.208 You picture a future filled with[br]laughter and loving embraces. 0:00:12.209,0:00:14.501 And then, one day,[br]you come back down to earth, 0:00:14.542,0:00:18.333 and that's not exactly how it goes[br]every single time. 0:00:18.334,0:00:20.626 One day, with our partner,[br]as with our kids, 0:00:20.626,0:00:23.708 things are bound to get out of hand. 0:00:23.709,0:00:27.460 Sometimes, we overreact. 0:00:27.501,0:00:31.500 I could never have imagined[br]having such feelings of violence 0:00:31.501,0:00:35.500 rise up inside of me 0:00:35.501,0:00:39.958 towards the people[br]I love most in the world. 0:00:39.959,0:00:42.374 I'm a psychotherapist, 0:00:42.375,0:00:44.625 and, my whole life,[br]I've tried to figure out 0:00:44.667,0:00:47.021 what makes us behave the way we do. 0:00:47.022,0:00:50.999 Why do adults behave in[br]such an over-the-top way? 0:00:51.000,0:00:53.334 And why don't children 0:00:53.359,0:00:56.378 just do as they're asked? 0:00:56.379,0:00:57.519 (Laughter) 0:01:00.584,0:01:06.793 In order to answer these questions,[br]I looked at scientists for my research. 0:01:06.818,0:01:08.882 These days, everyone talks about stress. 0:01:08.883,0:01:14.291 It was the professor Hans Selye[br]who introduced the concept, in the 1950s, 0:01:14.292,0:01:19.584 to describe the way the body adapts[br]in response to any kind of stimulation. 0:01:19.598,0:01:23.157 Stress is therefore an adaptive response. 0:01:23.167,0:01:29.583 To ensure our survival, a little gland[br]in our brain keeps watch, the amygdala. 0:01:29.584,0:01:33.043 Since the dawn of time,[br]at the slightest hint of danger, 0:01:33.918,0:01:38.750 it has set the body's alarm bells ringing,[br]adrenaline, cortisol. 0:01:38.751,0:01:44.333 Our body is prepared for fight or flee. 0:01:44.334,0:01:49.334 If I can't fight, or flee, 0:01:49.375,0:01:55.374 I freeze, I play dead,[br]my body goes numb. 0:01:55.375,0:02:00.208 Danger, or even frustration, or pressure, 0:02:00.209,0:02:05.082 can trigger stress[br]in young and older alike. 0:02:05.083,0:02:08.999 Stress can be recognized[br]as a physical response, 0:02:09.000,0:02:11.626 adrenaline, cortisol,[br]coursing through my body, 0:02:11.667,0:02:16.750 increased heart rate,[br]muscles tensed, jaw clenched, 0:02:16.751,0:02:20.252 we get the feeling in our arms[br]of wanting to thump and to throw things, 0:02:20.292,0:02:23.291 our legs want to stamp, to run. 0:02:23.292,0:02:30.292 We, as adults, are able to bring[br]this stress response under control. 0:02:30.334,0:02:34.252 Though it's not always easy[br]when our partner doesn't tidy up, 0:02:34.253,0:02:37.584 or a two-year old child[br]doesn't want to put their boots on. 0:02:37.584,0:02:43.460 But a child's brain[br]doesn't yet allow them 0:02:43.573,0:02:45.958 to control this stress. 0:02:45.959,0:02:50.293 When our child acts up,[br]everyone always says, 0:02:50.334,0:02:52.958 "You should set some boundaries!" 0:02:52.959,0:02:55.291 And we embark upon a struggle[br]to be the strongest 0:02:55.292,0:02:57.709 even if it means we lose[br]our strength along the way 0:02:57.710,0:03:00.126 because that's what happens. 0:03:00.751,0:03:04.750 Fighting to come out on top[br]means that everyone loses. 0:03:04.751,0:03:10.625 Sometimes, we think we've managed[br]to get a child to see reason. 0:03:10.626,0:03:14.750 Because he stops.[br]He's not being well-behaved. 0:03:14.751,0:03:20.168 He's just... frozen[br]as a reaction to stress. 0:03:22.375,0:03:28.291 Setting boundaries is like[br]putting a lid on boiling milk. 0:03:28.292,0:03:34.043 It boils over, all the same.[br]It must be held firmly. 0:03:34.083,0:03:36.001 You have to clean up around it. 0:03:36.002,0:03:41.158 No question of simply watching[br]the milk boil over without doing anything. 0:03:41.159,0:03:44.408 And what if I turned off the gas? 0:03:45.209,0:03:47.793 I'm going to tell you about how, one day, 0:03:47.794,0:03:54.041 my mother managed to turn off the gas[br]when I'd boiled over. 0:03:54.042,0:03:56.124 I was 13 years old. 0:03:56.125,0:03:58.751 I slapped my mother. 0:03:58.751,0:04:02.124 That's right, I slapped my mother. 0:04:02.125,0:04:05.082 The action wasn't entirely voluntary. 0:04:05.083,0:04:07.125 And she understood that. 0:04:07.125,0:04:10.417 Of course, at the time,[br]she slapped me back. 0:04:10.417,0:04:15.416 But, after that knee-jerk reaction,[br]she came to talk to me about it. 0:04:15.417,0:04:17.125 To make me talk about it. 0:04:17.166,0:04:22.291 She knew that when a child[br]goes to the doctor 0:04:22.292,0:04:24.541 to have an injection, 0:04:24.542,0:04:26.001 when they get home, 0:04:26.042,0:04:30.416 all they want to do is to give[br]everyone else injections. 0:04:30.417,0:04:33.791 They're on the safe side of the syringe. 0:04:33.792,0:04:39.166 My mother wanted to know[br]where that slap came from. 0:04:39.167,0:04:42.043 I was on my way back[br]from a friend's house, 0:04:42.044,0:04:46.709 and I told my mother about[br]the scene that had shaken me up. 0:04:48.209,0:04:51.501 My friend had had a huge fight[br]with her mother, 0:04:51.501,0:04:55.833 who had slapped her,[br]and my friend had slapped her back. 0:04:55.834,0:04:59.001 I was transfixed. 0:05:00.992,0:05:02.951 I didn't understand. 0:05:02.959,0:05:06.501 I made my way home on autopilot. 0:05:08.959,0:05:14.209 Unable to think, to feel, to speak, 0:05:15.501,0:05:18.419 to even understand[br]what was going on inside of me, 0:05:18.420,0:05:20.750 until I saw my mother. 0:05:22.334,0:05:26.875 At that moment, getting back[br]to my mother, my safety net, 0:05:26.876,0:05:30.708 it was as if my body[br]had been given permission 0:05:30.709,0:05:34.958 to come out of its frozen state. 0:05:34.959,0:05:37.918 And then, the tension, 0:05:39.375,0:05:44.999 pent up inside since witnessing[br]the slapping at my friend's house, 0:05:45.000,0:05:47.375 came rushing back up to the surface. 0:05:47.376,0:05:52.042 Adrenaline, cortisol,[br]my body was waking up. 0:05:53.334,0:05:55.999 My muscles tightening,[br]I started to feel like I was 0:05:56.000,0:05:58.542 getting angrier and angrier[br]and more and more tense. 0:05:59.292,0:06:03.082 As I'd started feeling this aggression 0:06:03.083,0:06:07.917 since seeing my mother,[br]I thought it was because of her. 0:06:09.334,0:06:12.334 I got into a fight with her[br]over next to nothing. 0:06:13.876,0:06:19.210 And then, my body did something[br]that stunned me. 0:06:20.292,0:06:22.251 It reenacted the slap. 0:06:23.125,0:06:28.082 My brain, unable to find the words[br]to explain things to my mother, 0:06:28.083,0:06:34.458 had led my body to show my mother[br]the slap that had upset me so. 0:06:35.786,0:06:37.225 So that she would help me. 0:06:37.226,0:06:38.775 And she did help me. 0:06:38.792,0:06:42.791 She helped me[br]to put my feelings into words. 0:06:42.792,0:06:45.750 She helped me to turn off the gas 0:06:45.751,0:06:49.252 under the milk[br]that was boiling inside of me. 0:06:50.209,0:06:53.251 I could trust her. 0:06:56.375,0:06:58.333 Another situation. 0:06:58.334,0:07:02.208 In the street, a mother and her child. 0:07:02.209,0:07:04.501 The child is walking quietly[br]down the street. 0:07:05.918,0:07:09.708 There's traffic, and the mother[br]gets annoyed and says, 0:07:09.709,0:07:11.751 "Hold my hand right now!" 0:07:12.626,0:07:18.252 The child avoids holding[br]his mother's hand and moves away. 0:07:18.959,0:07:23.626 To the child, avoidance[br]isn't a conscious decision. 0:07:23.651,0:07:26.841 It's an autonomic stress response. 0:07:28.209,0:07:31.376 Our stress puts stress on our children, 0:07:31.417,0:07:35.082 and triggers a biological[br]reaction in their brain 0:07:35.083,0:07:41.292 that disconnects[br]the outer layers of their brain. 0:07:42.209,0:07:46.085 Sometimes, we ask a child who is acting up 0:07:47.584,0:07:50.876 to think on their behaviour,[br]to little effect. 0:07:50.876,0:07:54.043 Obviously, since their brain[br]is no longer connected. 0:07:54.044,0:07:59.709 How can we reconnect[br]our children's brains? 0:07:59.751,0:08:03.750 How can we shut off the stress circuit? 0:08:03.751,0:08:06.960 That's where the white knight,[br]oxytocin, comes in. 0:08:07.751,0:08:11.875 Oxytocin, the hormone of love,[br]of relationships, 0:08:11.876,0:08:18.668 the hormone that helps[br]to reduce this stress. 0:08:18.709,0:08:23.668 Touching a child,[br]looking at them lovingly, 0:08:24.667,0:08:27.750 communicating warmly with them, 0:08:28.834,0:08:34.707 helps them to fully recover their brain,[br]and to manage stress. 0:08:34.708,0:08:38.126 That's what my mother did with me. 0:08:39.918,0:08:46.085 "But isn't that rewarding[br]unacceptable behavior?" 0:08:46.088,0:08:48.327 some would say. 0:08:48.334,0:08:55.334 Most of us have learned to think of[br]love as a reward. 0:08:56.542,0:09:00.521 Neuroscience has shown 0:09:00.522,0:09:04.011 that showing our children love 0:09:04.012,0:09:07.999 triggers the release of oxytocin, 0:09:08.000,0:09:11.459 increases the number[br]of oxytocin receptors in the brain, 0:09:12.959,0:09:18.710 reduces stress hormones,[br]boosts the immune system, 0:09:18.751,0:09:24.918 and develops neuronal circuits[br]in the prefrontal area of the brain. 0:09:24.918,0:09:29.335 The prefrontal area of the brain,[br]which allows us to feel empathy, 0:09:29.336,0:09:34.833 enables self-control,[br]helps us to regulate our emotions, 0:09:34.834,0:09:36.458 anticipation, 0:09:36.459,0:09:42.208 the ability to understand and identify[br]the impact of our actions, responsibility, 0:09:42.209,0:09:46.750 that's the kind of brain[br]we want our children to develop. 0:09:46.751,0:09:50.543 Through a gesture, a smile, 0:09:50.672,0:09:54.208 a show of attentiveness, 0:09:54.209,0:09:58.584 we are preparing[br]our children for happiness. 0:10:00.918,0:10:04.293 We are literally equipping[br]them to handle stress. 0:10:05.459,0:10:11.958 We are helping them[br]to learn not to overreact, 0:10:11.959,0:10:16.374 not to overreact later[br]on when they have children of their own. 0:10:16.375,0:10:20.917 Love is the fuel we need to manage stress. 0:10:20.959,0:10:22.543 Specifically speaking, 0:10:23.667,0:10:28.876 I want to share with you[br]a little technique we've developed, 0:10:28.876,0:10:30.377 my partner and I. 0:10:30.959,0:10:36.833 Picture the scenario, it's 7 p.m.,[br]I've been with the kids all day, 0:10:36.834,0:10:39.750 he's running slightly late,[br]and gets home 0:10:39.751,0:10:45.124 having forgotten to do[br]the shopping I asked him to do. 0:10:45.125,0:10:46.751 Then I freak out. 0:10:48.334,0:10:50.166 My other half feels guilty. 0:10:50.167,0:10:54.166 He sits down in front of the television[br]or goes off to the pharmacy. 0:10:54.167,0:10:58.166 That's normal; men aren't allowed[br]to hurt women. 0:10:58.167,0:11:00.834 He can't fight. He flees. 0:11:01.876,0:11:04.835 But if he goes back out to do[br]the shopping I asked him to do, 0:11:04.836,0:11:06.791 that's totally out of line. 0:11:06.792,0:11:10.334 Because, really, the shopping,[br]the pharmacy, was just an excuse. 0:11:10.375,0:11:13.750 What I needed him to do was to hold me. 0:11:13.751,0:11:16.458 Why didn't I just ask him? 0:11:16.459,0:11:19.126 Clearly, it doesn't make sense[br]to yell at him. 0:11:19.127,0:11:23.417 But, even so, you have to see[br]that it makes sense. 0:11:23.417,0:11:26.126 I feel helpless, powerless, all day long. 0:11:26.127,0:11:30.043 So I have to summon up a little power, 0:11:30.083,0:11:34.292 act tough, pull myself together,[br]for one thing at least. 0:11:35.000,0:11:40.334 So I shout, I attack,[br]I'm under stress. 0:11:40.334,0:11:43.208 That's where our technique comes in. 0:11:43.209,0:11:46.043 He approaches me[br]when I'm getting all worked up, 0:11:46.083,0:11:49.416 and takes me gently in his arms. 0:11:49.417,0:11:50.584 He says to me, 0:11:51.751,0:11:55.001 "There you go. There you go." 0:11:55.042,0:11:57.001 Well, then, I push him away, obviously. 0:11:57.542,0:12:01.472 Because that would be too easy. 0:12:01.473,0:12:02.565 (Laughter) 0:12:02.584,0:12:06.418 And then I'm not sure 0:12:08.375,0:12:12.792 if he'd still love me[br]if I were stronger and without flaws. 0:12:13.834,0:12:16.084 It's amazing when you think about it. 0:12:16.085,0:12:19.083 I attack him or I push him away,[br]so that he will love me. 0:12:21.042,0:12:22.793 Then I say to him, 0:12:23.542,0:12:26.418 "Cut it out! Can't you see[br]I've got stuff to do? 0:12:26.419,0:12:28.209 And that's all you can think about!" 0:12:28.210,0:12:29.160 (Laughter) 0:12:29.167,0:12:34.626 I flee, because I can't attack anymore.[br]I'm still under stress. 0:12:34.626,0:12:38.626 If he holds me for seven seconds, 0:12:39.841,0:12:43.841 oxytocin starts to flood my brain. 0:12:44.667,0:12:46.416 I feel better. 0:12:46.417,0:12:52.335 The oxytocin triggers[br]feelings of well-being, confidence, 0:12:52.834,0:12:54.668 kind thoughts towards others. 0:12:55.292,0:12:59.875 After 20 seconds, I feel much better. 0:12:59.876,0:13:03.875 I start to unwind,[br]and cry on his shoulder. 0:13:03.876,0:13:07.377 Of course, that doesn't work[br]for everybody. 0:13:07.959,0:13:11.751 Sometimes, certain people[br]really can't stand being held. 0:13:12.501,0:13:15.168 The kind of people who,[br]when they were children, 0:13:15.169,0:13:18.167 experienced a great deal of rejection[br]by their own parents. 0:13:19.375,0:13:22.458 They have fewer oxytocin receptors. 0:13:22.459,0:13:27.626 They have a hyperactive stress circuit,[br]and are highly impulsive. 0:13:27.667,0:13:31.333 But that can be repaired, with love. 0:13:31.334,0:13:35.501 Love is also highly effective[br]with our children. 0:13:36.667,0:13:40.666 Love is also highly effective[br]with our children. 0:13:40.667,0:13:42.792 Remember the milk? 0:13:43.542,0:13:48.251 Love is a super-effective way[br]to turn off the gas. 0:13:49.292,0:13:54.793 The next time you feel[br]a power struggle developing, 0:13:55.918,0:13:59.918 you will have something new to try out, 0:14:01.125,0:14:07.863 I breathe, I reconnect[br]with the love I feel for my child, 0:14:07.864,0:14:10.073 and I take them in my arms. 0:14:10.083,0:14:12.875 At the very least, I let them see[br]the affection in my eyes. 0:14:12.959,0:14:15.958 He might not calm down straight away. 0:14:15.959,0:14:19.458 He may need to release[br]a little more tension first. 0:14:19.459,0:14:22.709 The most important thing is[br]to stay connected to one another. 0:14:22.710,0:14:28.210 When we are connected,[br]I reconnect his brain. 0:14:28.250,0:14:31.041 I recover mine, 0:14:31.042,0:14:36.291 and I regain the ability, in the street,[br]to calmly give the command, 0:14:36.292,0:14:37.709 "Hold my hand in the street." 0:14:38.876,0:14:45.251 And to send my other half a text[br]containing a single word, "Pharmacy." 0:14:46.959,0:14:49.877 Responding with love,[br]when the going gets tough, 0:14:51.751,0:14:55.377 takes care and effort[br]that is very soon rewarded. 0:14:55.391,0:14:57.801 It's a huge time saver. 0:15:00.667,0:15:06.418 And what if you topped up[br]your anti-stress fuel tank 0:15:06.421,0:15:07.560 first thing each day? 0:15:07.561,0:15:13.126 What if you prepared in advance,[br]to better face the day ahead? 0:15:14.542,0:15:18.541 What if five minutes[br]of tender loving care every morning 0:15:18.542,0:15:20.667 changed your life? 0:15:21.459,0:15:23.210 It's worth a try! 0:15:24.416,0:15:25.485 Thank you. 0:15:25.501,0:15:29.501 (Applause)