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- Hey, everybody.

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Today, we're gonna talk about forgiveness,

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but before I jump into that,
are you new to my channel?

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Welcome.

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I release videos on
Mondays and on Thursdays,

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so make sure you're subscribed
and have your notifications

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turned on so that you don't miss out.

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But let's jump into today's topic.

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Now forgiveness is something
we often know we should do,

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or we're told to do it,
but no one really talks

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about how we're supposed
to forgive someone,

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especially ourselves.

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When anyone speaks about forgiveness,

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I know I automatically think
about someone doing something

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that hurt me or my feelings,

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and that I need to let
it go by forgiving them.

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But I find that what we struggle with most

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is forgiving ourselves
for any of the wrongs

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or missteps we've made, and trust me,

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I'm not any better at this.

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Just the other day, I was
ruminating about something

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I said and I worried could've
been taken the wrong way

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or sometimes, if I let my mind wander,

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I'll go back to things
I have done in my past

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that I feel bad about,

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so annoying.

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I can even spend hours just
going through things I said

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or did in my past, jumping
from when I was a child,

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to just what happened a few months ago,

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and I will play that scenario back again,

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almost like I'm trying to
hurt myself all over again

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just to prove how sorry I truly am,

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but in to the good news, today
we are both going to learn

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how we can forgive ourselves,

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and finally let all that stuff go,

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and the first tip we're gonna talk about

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is allowing yourself a re-do.

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You know how I talk about,

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our brain doesn't know the difference

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between visualizing, and real life?

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It's true, it doesn't.

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If we visualize ourselves doing something,

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it thinks it's the same as us

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actually doing it in real life.

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Pretty cool, huh?

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So we can use this information,

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this really cool,
scientifically-proven information,

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to our advantage when it
comes to forgiving ourselves,

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and letting go of past faults.

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Imagine how you would re-do
the scenario or experience.

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So think about it, imagine it,

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and then I want you to
journal about what you learned

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from that terrible, or even
embarrassing experience.

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- Doing this not only shows us

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that we have learned
from it, and moved on,

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but that we will do better next time.

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So give it a try, because like I said,

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our brain doesn't know the difference,

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and if we visualize this
new outcome happening,

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us maybe not saying that thing
that hurt their feelings,

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or doing the thing that we
were so embarrassed about,

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then it's like our brain will let that go,

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so that these random memories
of bad things we've done

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don't just pop up out of
nowhere, and maybe ruin our day.

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The second tip on how to forgive ourselves

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is to say sorry, and
repair the relationship.

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Often when we haven't at
least tried to make amends,

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we can struggle to forgive
ourselves and move on.

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My patients tell me all the
time that they will keep

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replaying the last fight
they had with someone,

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almost like they're self-injuring with it.

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Like I even talked about at the beginning,

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I feel like I'm just
hurting myself over and over

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with retelling these painful stories.

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And so if it's safe to
reengage with someone

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we have wronged, consider
trying to apologize.

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And as always, it's best
to take the time to prepare

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what we want to say,
and maybe even practice

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saying it out loud before
we go to meet them.

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That way, you can even
imagine what they might say

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in response, and consider
your answers back,

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which really just ensures that we don't go

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and try to repair the relationship,

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and end up making it even worse.

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The third tip, thought-stopping.

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I'm sure you saw that one coming.

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I haven't talked about this in awhile,

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but it's such an important tool.

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If you find your brain
continuously going back

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to that one time you did
that really shitty thing,

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and it hurts you, or
embarrasses you all over again,

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don't fret, you can shut down
that annoying thought-pattern

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right in its tracks.

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The first way to stop
negative, or ruling thoughts

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from taking over our entire mind

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is to simply yell, or say loudly, stop.

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When your mind wanders
back in to that negative,

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or hurtful time again,
don't let it go any further,

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say stop, shut it down.

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Now, in all honesty, that tip is the one

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that everybody talks about when
it comes to thought-stopping

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but its never really
worked for me personally,

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but everyone's different,
and it could help you,

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so I just wanted to at least mention it

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and let you know it's available.

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But there are other ways
that we can stop our thoughts

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from going in to places
we don't want them to.

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The one that works best for me

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is to notice it's happening again,

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and force my mind in to a pleasant memory.

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Hmm, I could go back to
that wonderful summer

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I spent in Costa Rica,

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where I learned Spanish
with my friend, Nina,

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or the other year when Shawn
and I went to Palm Springs

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for a weekend getaway.

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Whatever the happy memory is,

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you're gonna need to try
to use all five senses,

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and tell yourself the whole story

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of each trip, and experience,

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and often, by the time
we get to that second

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out of our five senses,
we have already forgotten

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all about that nasty, or negative memory.

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And finally, simply
noticing your thoughts,

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and taking yourself out of it, can help.

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Meaning, that we can notice
our mind is wandering

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in to that hurtful space again,

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and say to ourselves,
yep my mind is trying

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to make me feel bad, and
pull me back in there,

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but I don't wanna go.

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Often just knowing it's happening,

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and recognizing that pattern, can stop it.

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So I don't know, give some of
these tips and tricks a try,

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and see what works for you,

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or better yet, let us
know in those comments

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what works best when you're trying

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to stop your negative thoughts.

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And my fourth tip is to
focus on how far you've come.

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This can be done through journaling,

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and if you're really lucky,
you've been keeping a journal,

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so you can actually go back to that time

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when that nasty thing happened,

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and you read through
your entries from then,

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but I know that most of
us don't keep journals,

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so right now let's just take some time

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to consider our own values, morals,

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and our current relationships.

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What are the things that
you look for in others,

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and what do you strive to
bring to your relationship?

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Taking the time to consider these things

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can help us not only realize

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that we are in fact good people,

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but also also that we have learned a lot

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from our past upsets.

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Perhaps we no longer pick
fights when we're drinking,

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or we're more careful about
how we say things to people

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in the heat of an argument.

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You can even write down
the specific things

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you think the past relationship
or fight taught you.

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Maybe it taught you a bit about yourself,

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and how you can better engage
with people in your life.

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So spend some time taking
stock of who you are now,

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and how you've grown from
that particular experience.

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My fifth tip, positive self-talk.

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You knew I was gonna try
to sneak this in somehow.

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But in all honesty, a
lot of what prevents us

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from being able to forgive ourselves

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is how we talk about
it within our own head,

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but if we keep allowing our mind

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to take us back to that fight,

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and then we beat ourselves
up about it again, and again,

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about how we should have not said that,

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or how we should have
done or said that instead,

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we won't ever be able to move past it.

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If we change the conversation
we have with ourselves

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about this hurt, and terrible,
or embarrassing experience,

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then, and only then, can
we fully let go of it

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and forgive ourselves.

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I hope you found this information helpful.

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I know forgiving
ourselves can sometimes be

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so much harder than
forgiving someone else.

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Oh, and as a reminder,
if you like my channel,

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you're gonna love my book,

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Are u ok?: Your Guide to
Caring for Your Mental Health

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is available now, so click
link in the description,

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and pick one up for you,

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and also leave any other ideas,

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or things that you felt
I left out in this video

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in those comments down below,

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and I will see you next time, bye.