1 00:00:00,625 --> 00:00:05,309 So when you think about a child, a close friend, or a romantic partner, 2 00:00:05,333 --> 00:00:08,226 the word "love" probably comes to mind, 3 00:00:08,250 --> 00:00:11,393 and instantly other emotions rush in: 4 00:00:11,417 --> 00:00:13,018 joy and hope, 5 00:00:13,042 --> 00:00:16,601 excitement, trust and security, 6 00:00:16,625 --> 00:00:19,684 and yes, sometimes sadness and disappointment. 7 00:00:19,708 --> 00:00:21,768 There might not be a word in the dictionary 8 00:00:21,792 --> 00:00:23,833 that more of us are connected to than love. 9 00:00:25,292 --> 00:00:27,893 Yet, given its central importance in our lives, 10 00:00:27,917 --> 00:00:31,417 isn't it interesting that we're never explicitly taught how to love? 11 00:00:32,458 --> 00:00:34,143 We build friendships, 12 00:00:34,167 --> 00:00:36,643 navigate early romantic relationships, 13 00:00:36,667 --> 00:00:39,101 get married and bring babies home from the hospital 14 00:00:39,125 --> 00:00:41,292 with the expectation that we'll figure it out. 15 00:00:42,625 --> 00:00:46,476 But the truth is, we often harm and disrespect the ones we love. 16 00:00:46,500 --> 00:00:47,809 It can be subtle things 17 00:00:47,833 --> 00:00:50,684 like guilting a friend into spending time with you 18 00:00:50,708 --> 00:00:53,976 or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts 19 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:56,583 or shaming a child for their lack of effort at school. 20 00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:00,184 100 percent of us will be on the receiving end 21 00:01:00,208 --> 00:01:02,518 of unhealthy relationship behaviors 22 00:01:02,542 --> 00:01:05,851 and 100 percent of us will do unhealthy things. 23 00:01:05,875 --> 00:01:07,333 It's part of being human. 24 00:01:08,833 --> 00:01:11,351 In its worst form, the harm we inflict on loved ones 25 00:01:11,375 --> 00:01:13,309 shows up as abuse and violence, 26 00:01:13,333 --> 00:01:15,059 and relationship abuse 27 00:01:15,083 --> 00:01:17,976 is something that one in three women and one in four men 28 00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:19,708 will experience in their lifetime. 29 00:01:20,625 --> 00:01:23,434 Now, if you're like most people, when you hear those stats, 30 00:01:23,458 --> 00:01:26,268 you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no, that would never happen to me." 31 00:01:26,292 --> 00:01:29,726 It's instinctual to move away from the words "abuse" and "violence," 32 00:01:29,750 --> 00:01:33,601 to think that they happen to someone else somewhere else. 33 00:01:33,625 --> 00:01:37,976 But the truth is, unhealthy relationships and abuse are all around us. 34 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:40,875 We just call them different things and ignore the connection. 35 00:01:42,042 --> 00:01:45,292 Abuse sneaks up on us disguised in unhealthy love. 36 00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:49,768 I work for an organization called One Love 37 00:01:49,792 --> 00:01:53,583 started by a family whose daughter Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend. 38 00:01:54,833 --> 00:01:57,851 This was a tragedy no one saw coming, 39 00:01:57,875 --> 00:02:01,143 but when they looked back, they realized the warning signs were there 40 00:02:01,167 --> 00:02:03,292 just no one understood what they were seeing. 41 00:02:04,042 --> 00:02:07,809 Called crazy or drama or too much drinking, 42 00:02:07,833 --> 00:02:10,976 his actions weren't understood to be what they really were, 43 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:13,000 which was clear signs of danger. 44 00:02:13,917 --> 00:02:17,726 Her family realized that if anyone had been educated about these signs, 45 00:02:17,750 --> 00:02:19,500 her death could have been prevented. 46 00:02:20,625 --> 00:02:22,559 So today we're on a mission to make sure 47 00:02:22,583 --> 00:02:25,869 that others have the information that Yeardley and her friends didn't. 48 00:02:25,893 --> 00:02:27,643 We have three main goals: 49 00:02:27,667 --> 00:02:30,934 give all of us a language for talking about a subject 50 00:02:30,958 --> 00:02:34,351 that's quite awkward and uncomfortable to discuss; 51 00:02:34,375 --> 00:02:39,226 empower a whole front line, namely friends, to help; 52 00:02:39,250 --> 00:02:42,333 and, in the process, improve all of our ability to love better. 53 00:02:43,875 --> 00:02:47,143 To do this, it's always important to start by illuminating 54 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,893 the unhealthy signs that we frequently miss, 55 00:02:49,917 --> 00:02:52,393 and our work really focuses on creating content 56 00:02:52,417 --> 00:02:54,667 to start conversations with young people. 57 00:02:55,375 --> 00:02:58,018 As you'd expect, most of our content is pretty serious, 58 00:02:58,042 --> 00:02:59,893 given the subject at hand, 59 00:02:59,917 --> 00:03:02,559 but today I'm going to use one of our more light-hearted 60 00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:04,393 yet still thought-provoking pieces, 61 00:03:04,417 --> 00:03:05,726 "The Couplets," 62 00:03:05,750 --> 00:03:08,375 to illuminate five markers of unhealthy love. 63 00:03:09,375 --> 00:03:12,351 The first is intensity. 64 00:03:12,375 --> 00:03:15,559 (Video) Blue: I haven't seen you in a couple days. I've missed you. 65 00:03:15,583 --> 00:03:17,536 Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove) 66 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:20,726 Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes. It feels like a lifetime. 67 00:03:20,750 --> 00:03:23,559 What have you been doing without me for five whole minutes? 68 00:03:23,583 --> 00:03:26,018 Orange: It's been three minutes. (#thatsnotlove) 69 00:03:26,042 --> 00:03:28,625 Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that? I don't know. I do. 70 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:32,184 Abusive relationships don't start out abusive. 71 00:03:32,208 --> 00:03:34,184 They start out exciting and exhilarating. 72 00:03:34,208 --> 00:03:37,518 There's an intensity of affection and emotion, a rush. 73 00:03:37,542 --> 00:03:39,226 It feels really good. 74 00:03:39,250 --> 00:03:41,667 You feel so lucky, like you've hit the jackpot. 75 00:03:42,750 --> 00:03:45,934 But in unhealthy love, these feelings shift over time 76 00:03:45,958 --> 00:03:50,250 from exciting to overwhelming and maybe a little bit suffocating. 77 00:03:50,875 --> 00:03:52,601 You feel it in your gut. 78 00:03:52,625 --> 00:03:54,893 Maybe it's when your new boyfriend or girlfriend 79 00:03:54,917 --> 00:03:57,184 says "I love you" faster than you were ready for 80 00:03:57,208 --> 00:04:00,750 or starts showing up everywhere, texting and calling a lot. 81 00:04:01,667 --> 00:04:04,809 Maybe they're impatient when you're slow to respond, 82 00:04:04,833 --> 00:04:07,708 even though they know you had other things going on that day. 83 00:04:08,583 --> 00:04:12,393 It's important to remember that it's not how a relationship starts that matters, 84 00:04:12,417 --> 00:04:13,934 it's how it evolves. 85 00:04:13,958 --> 00:04:16,517 It's important in the early days of a new relationship 86 00:04:16,541 --> 00:04:18,559 to pay attention to how you're feeling. 87 00:04:18,583 --> 00:04:21,184 Are you comfortable with the pace of intimacy? 88 00:04:21,208 --> 00:04:23,792 Do you feel like you have space and room to breathe? 89 00:04:24,792 --> 00:04:28,518 It's also really important to start practicing using your voice 90 00:04:28,542 --> 00:04:30,393 to talk about your own needs. 91 00:04:30,417 --> 00:04:32,333 Are your requests respected? 92 00:04:33,833 --> 00:04:37,268 A second marker is isolation. 93 00:04:37,292 --> 00:04:39,018 (Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out? 94 00:04:39,042 --> 00:04:41,708 Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday. 95 00:04:42,375 --> 00:04:43,684 Orange 2: Want to hang out? 96 00:04:43,708 --> 00:04:46,351 Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday. 97 00:04:46,375 --> 00:04:49,101 Orange 2: Tomorrow? Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day. 98 00:04:49,125 --> 00:04:51,292 Orange 2: Wednesday? Orange 1: No Friends Day. 99 00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:55,851 KH: If you ask me, isolation is one of the most frequently missed 100 00:04:55,875 --> 00:04:58,226 and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love. 101 00:04:58,250 --> 00:04:59,518 Why? 102 00:04:59,542 --> 00:05:02,684 Because every new relationship starts out with this intense desire 103 00:05:02,708 --> 00:05:04,059 to spend time together, 104 00:05:04,083 --> 00:05:07,018 it's easy to miss when something shifts. 105 00:05:07,042 --> 00:05:09,768 Isolation creeps in when your new boyfriend or girlfriend 106 00:05:09,792 --> 00:05:12,643 starts pulling you away from your friends and family, 107 00:05:12,667 --> 00:05:14,226 your support system, 108 00:05:14,250 --> 00:05:16,250 and tethering you more tightly to them. 109 00:05:17,375 --> 00:05:18,809 They might say things like, 110 00:05:18,833 --> 00:05:21,309 "Why do you hang out with them? They're such losers" 111 00:05:21,333 --> 00:05:22,601 about your best friends, 112 00:05:22,625 --> 00:05:25,476 or, "They want us to break up. They're totally against us" 113 00:05:25,500 --> 00:05:27,309 about your family. 114 00:05:27,333 --> 00:05:29,934 Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt 115 00:05:29,958 --> 00:05:32,833 about everyone from your prerelationship life. 116 00:05:34,125 --> 00:05:36,184 Healthy love includes independence, 117 00:05:36,208 --> 00:05:38,684 two people who love spending time together 118 00:05:38,708 --> 00:05:42,934 but who stay connected to the people and activities they cared about before. 119 00:05:42,958 --> 00:05:45,851 While at first you might spend every waking minute together, 120 00:05:45,875 --> 00:05:48,726 over time maintaining independence is key. 121 00:05:48,750 --> 00:05:51,893 You do this by making plans with friends and sticking to them 122 00:05:51,917 --> 00:05:54,333 and encouraging your partner to do the same. 123 00:05:55,833 --> 00:05:58,875 A third marker of unhealthy love is extreme jealousy. 124 00:05:59,750 --> 00:06:01,851 (Video) Blue 2: What are you so happy about? 125 00:06:01,875 --> 00:06:04,809 Blue 1: She just started following me on Instagram! 126 00:06:04,833 --> 00:06:06,684 Blue 2: What are you so nervous about? 127 00:06:06,708 --> 00:06:10,934 Blue 1: She, she just started following me, like, everywhere. 128 00:06:10,958 --> 00:06:12,875 (#thatsnotlove) 129 00:06:14,458 --> 00:06:16,518 KH: As the honeymoon period begins to fade, 130 00:06:16,542 --> 00:06:18,375 extreme jealousy can creep in. 131 00:06:19,333 --> 00:06:21,309 Your partner might become more demanding, 132 00:06:21,333 --> 00:06:24,309 needing to know where you are and who you're with all the time, 133 00:06:24,333 --> 00:06:27,518 or they might start following you everywhere, online and off. 134 00:06:27,542 --> 00:06:31,809 Extreme jealousy also brings with it possessiveness and mistrust, 135 00:06:31,833 --> 00:06:35,101 frequent accusations of flirting with other people or cheating, 136 00:06:35,125 --> 00:06:37,351 and refusal to listen to you when you tell them 137 00:06:37,375 --> 00:06:40,250 they have nothing to worry about and that you only love them. 138 00:06:41,083 --> 00:06:43,809 Jealousy is a part of any human relationship, 139 00:06:43,833 --> 00:06:46,018 but extreme jealousy is different. 140 00:06:46,042 --> 00:06:48,809 There's a threatening, desperate and angry edge to it. 141 00:06:48,833 --> 00:06:50,958 Love shouldn't feel like this. 142 00:06:52,333 --> 00:06:54,893 A fourth marker is belittling. 143 00:06:54,917 --> 00:06:57,476 (Video) Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study. 144 00:06:57,500 --> 00:07:00,417 Blue: You'll get an A anyway, A for amazing. (#thatslove) 145 00:07:00,875 --> 00:07:03,309 Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study. 146 00:07:03,333 --> 00:07:04,768 Blue: You'll get an F anyway, 147 00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:07,958 F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove) 148 00:07:08,667 --> 00:07:10,434 KH: Yeah, hmm. 149 00:07:10,458 --> 00:07:13,018 In unhealthy love, words are used as weapons. 150 00:07:13,042 --> 00:07:15,393 Conversations that used to be fun and lighthearted 151 00:07:15,417 --> 00:07:17,226 turn mean and embarrassing. 152 00:07:17,250 --> 00:07:20,268 Maybe your partner makes fun of you in a way that hurts, 153 00:07:20,292 --> 00:07:23,768 or maybe they tell stories and jokes for laughs at your expense. 154 00:07:23,792 --> 00:07:26,518 When you try to explain that your feelings have been hurt, 155 00:07:26,542 --> 00:07:29,934 they shut you down and accuse you of overreacting. 156 00:07:29,958 --> 00:07:33,750 "Why are you so sensitive? What's your problem. Give me a break." 157 00:07:34,417 --> 00:07:36,375 You are silenced by these words. 158 00:07:37,417 --> 00:07:40,809 It seems pretty obvious, but your partner should have your back. 159 00:07:40,833 --> 00:07:43,476 Their words should build you up, not break you down. 160 00:07:43,500 --> 00:07:45,893 They should keep your secrets and be loyal. 161 00:07:45,917 --> 00:07:47,893 They should make you feel more confident, 162 00:07:47,917 --> 00:07:49,208 not less. 163 00:07:50,250 --> 00:07:53,208 Finally, a fifth marker: volatility. 164 00:07:54,042 --> 00:07:56,143 (Video) Orange 1: I'd be sad if we broke up. 165 00:07:56,167 --> 00:07:58,000 Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove) 166 00:07:59,042 --> 00:08:01,268 Orange 1: I'd so depressed if we ever broke up. 167 00:08:01,292 --> 00:08:02,809 I'd throw myself off this step. 168 00:08:02,833 --> 00:08:05,393 I would! Don't try to stop me! 169 00:08:05,417 --> 00:08:06,667 (#thatsnotlove) 170 00:08:09,167 --> 00:08:12,893 KH: Frequent breakups and makeups, high highs and low lows: 171 00:08:12,917 --> 00:08:15,292 as tension rises, so does volatility. 172 00:08:16,458 --> 00:08:20,018 Tearful, frustrated fights followed by emotional makeups, 173 00:08:20,042 --> 00:08:21,684 hateful and hurtful comments like, 174 00:08:21,708 --> 00:08:24,351 "You're worthless, I'm not even sure why I'm with you!" 175 00:08:24,375 --> 00:08:29,184 followed quickly by apologies and promises it will never happen again. 176 00:08:29,208 --> 00:08:33,018 By this point, you've been so conditioned to this relationship roller coaster 177 00:08:33,042 --> 00:08:36,058 that you may not realize how unhealthy and maybe even dangerous 178 00:08:36,082 --> 00:08:37,667 your relationship has become. 179 00:08:39,542 --> 00:08:41,018 It can be really hard to see 180 00:08:41,042 --> 00:08:43,976 when unhealthy love turns towards abuse, 181 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:46,434 but it's fair to say that the more of these markers 182 00:08:46,458 --> 00:08:47,893 your relationship might have, 183 00:08:47,917 --> 00:08:51,393 the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous your relationship could be. 184 00:08:51,417 --> 00:08:53,601 And if your instinct is to break up and leave, 185 00:08:53,625 --> 00:08:55,809 which is advice so many of us give our friends 186 00:08:55,833 --> 00:08:57,768 when they're in unhealthy relationships, 187 00:08:57,792 --> 00:08:59,726 that's not always the best advice. 188 00:08:59,750 --> 00:09:02,351 Time of breakup can be a real trigger for violence. 189 00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:05,643 If you fear you might be headed towards abuse or in abuse, 190 00:09:05,667 --> 00:09:09,708 you need to consult with experts to get the advice on how to leave safely. 191 00:09:11,042 --> 00:09:13,434 But it's not just about romantic relationships 192 00:09:13,458 --> 00:09:15,643 and it's not just about violence. 193 00:09:15,667 --> 00:09:17,934 Understanding the signs of unhealthy love 194 00:09:17,958 --> 00:09:21,708 can help you audit and understand nearly every relationship in your life. 195 00:09:22,625 --> 00:09:26,476 For the first time, you might understand why you're disappointed in a friendship 196 00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:29,226 or why every interaction with a certain family member 197 00:09:29,250 --> 00:09:32,518 leaves you discouraged and anxious. 198 00:09:32,542 --> 00:09:35,559 You might even begin to see how your own intensity and jealousy 199 00:09:35,583 --> 00:09:37,833 is causing problems with colleagues at work. 200 00:09:39,208 --> 00:09:42,476 Understanding is the first step to improving, 201 00:09:42,500 --> 00:09:45,559 and while you can't make every unhealthy relationship healthy -- 202 00:09:45,583 --> 00:09:47,684 some you're going to have to leave behind -- 203 00:09:47,708 --> 00:09:51,458 you can do your part every day to do relationships better. 204 00:09:52,250 --> 00:09:53,893 And here's the exciting news: 205 00:09:53,917 --> 00:09:56,226 it's actually not rocket science. 206 00:09:56,250 --> 00:09:58,976 Open communication, mutual respect, 207 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,226 kindness, patience -- 208 00:10:01,250 --> 00:10:03,667 we can practice these things every day. 209 00:10:04,875 --> 00:10:07,601 And while practice will definitely make you better, 210 00:10:07,625 --> 00:10:11,393 I have to promise you it's also not going to make you perfect. 211 00:10:11,417 --> 00:10:12,768 I do this for a living 212 00:10:12,792 --> 00:10:15,601 and every day I think and talk about healthy relationships, 213 00:10:15,625 --> 00:10:18,226 and still I do unhealthy things. 214 00:10:18,250 --> 00:10:21,643 Just the other day as I was trying to shuttle my four kids out the door 215 00:10:21,667 --> 00:10:24,643 amidst quarreling, squabbling and complaints about breakfast, 216 00:10:24,667 --> 00:10:26,768 I completely lost it. 217 00:10:26,792 --> 00:10:28,934 With an intentionally angry edge, 218 00:10:28,958 --> 00:10:30,268 I screamed, 219 00:10:30,292 --> 00:10:32,559 "Everybody just shut up and do what I say! 220 00:10:32,583 --> 00:10:34,143 You are the worst! 221 00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:36,393 I am going to take away screen time and dessert 222 00:10:36,417 --> 00:10:39,601 and anything else you could possibly ever enjoy in life!" 223 00:10:39,625 --> 00:10:41,101 (Laughter) 224 00:10:41,125 --> 00:10:42,434 Anybody been there? 225 00:10:42,458 --> 00:10:45,851 (Applause) 226 00:10:45,875 --> 00:10:48,500 Volatility, belittling. 227 00:10:49,417 --> 00:10:52,351 My oldest son turned around and looked at me, and said, 228 00:10:52,375 --> 00:10:53,976 "Mom, that's not love." 229 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:57,351 (Laughter) 230 00:10:57,375 --> 00:11:00,268 For a minute, I really wanted to kill him for calling me out. 231 00:11:00,292 --> 00:11:01,809 Trust me. 232 00:11:01,833 --> 00:11:03,351 But then I gathered myself 233 00:11:03,375 --> 00:11:06,434 and I thought, you know what, I'm actually proud. 234 00:11:06,458 --> 00:11:09,792 I'm proud that he has a language to make me pause. 235 00:11:10,511 --> 00:11:13,226 I want all of my kids to understand what the bar should be 236 00:11:13,250 --> 00:11:14,684 for how they're treated 237 00:11:14,708 --> 00:11:17,851 and to have a language and a voice to use when that bar is not met 238 00:11:17,875 --> 00:11:19,792 versus just accepting it. 239 00:11:21,667 --> 00:11:26,518 For too long, we've treated relationships as a soft topic, 240 00:11:26,542 --> 00:11:29,101 when relationship skills are one of the most important 241 00:11:29,125 --> 00:11:31,684 and hard to build things in life. 242 00:11:31,708 --> 00:11:34,351 Not only can understanding unhealthy signs 243 00:11:34,375 --> 00:11:37,893 help you avoid the rabbit hole that leads to unhealthy love, 244 00:11:37,917 --> 00:11:40,893 but understanding and practicing the art of being healthy 245 00:11:40,917 --> 00:11:43,542 can improve nearly every aspect of your life. 246 00:11:44,625 --> 00:11:46,684 I'm completely convinced 247 00:11:46,708 --> 00:11:49,351 that while love is an instinct and an emotion, 248 00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:52,684 the ability to love better is a skill we can all build 249 00:11:52,708 --> 00:11:54,083 and improve on over time. 250 00:11:54,583 --> 00:11:55,851 Thank you. 251 00:11:55,875 --> 00:12:00,875 (Applause)