0:00:00.625,0:00:05.309 So when you think about a child,[br]a close friend, or a romantic partner, 0:00:05.333,0:00:08.226 the word "love" probably comes to mind, 0:00:08.250,0:00:11.393 and instantly other emotions rush in: 0:00:11.417,0:00:13.018 joy and hope, 0:00:13.042,0:00:16.601 excitement, trust and security, 0:00:16.625,0:00:19.684 and yes, sometimes[br]sadness and disappointment. 0:00:19.708,0:00:21.768 There might not be[br]a word in the dictionary 0:00:21.792,0:00:23.833 that more of us[br]are connected to than love. 0:00:25.292,0:00:27.893 Yet, given its central[br]importance in our lives, 0:00:27.917,0:00:31.417 isn't it interesting that we're never[br]explicitly taught how to love? 0:00:32.458,0:00:34.143 We build friendships, 0:00:34.167,0:00:36.643 navigate early romantic relationships, 0:00:36.667,0:00:39.101 get married and bring babies[br]home from the hospital 0:00:39.125,0:00:41.292 with the expectation[br]that we'll figure it out. 0:00:42.625,0:00:46.476 But the truth is, we often[br]harm and disrespect the ones we love. 0:00:46.500,0:00:47.809 It can be subtle things 0:00:47.833,0:00:50.684 like guilting a friend[br]into spending time with you 0:00:50.708,0:00:53.976 or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts 0:00:54.000,0:00:56.583 or shaming a child[br]for their lack of effort at school. 0:00:58.000,0:01:00.184 100 percent of us[br]will be on the receiving end 0:01:00.208,0:01:02.518 of unhealthy relationship behaviors 0:01:02.542,0:01:05.851 and 100 percent of us[br]will do unhealthy things. 0:01:05.875,0:01:07.333 It's part of being human. 0:01:08.833,0:01:11.351 In its worst form,[br]the harm we inflict on loved ones 0:01:11.375,0:01:13.309 shows up as abuse and violence, 0:01:13.333,0:01:15.059 and relationship abuse 0:01:15.083,0:01:17.976 is something that one in three women[br]and one in four men 0:01:18.000,0:01:19.708 will experience in their lifetime. 0:01:20.625,0:01:23.434 Now, if you're like most people,[br]when you hear those stats, 0:01:23.458,0:01:26.268 you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no,[br]that would never happen to me." 0:01:26.292,0:01:29.726 It's instinctual to move away[br]from the words "abuse" and "violence," 0:01:29.750,0:01:33.601 to think that they happen[br]to someone else somewhere else. 0:01:33.625,0:01:37.976 But the truth is, unhealthy relationships[br]and abuse are all around us. 0:01:38.000,0:01:40.875 We just call them different things[br]and ignore the connection. 0:01:42.042,0:01:45.292 Abuse sneaks up on us[br]disguised in unhealthy love. 0:01:47.708,0:01:49.768 I work for an organization called One Love 0:01:49.792,0:01:53.583 started by a family whose daughter[br]Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend. 0:01:54.833,0:01:57.851 This was a tragedy no one saw coming, 0:01:57.875,0:02:01.143 but when they looked back,[br]they realized the warning signs were there 0:02:01.167,0:02:03.292 just no one understood[br]what they were seeing. 0:02:04.042,0:02:07.809 Called crazy or drama[br]or too much drinking, 0:02:07.833,0:02:10.976 his actions weren't understood[br]to be what they really were, 0:02:11.000,0:02:13.000 which was clear signs of danger. 0:02:13.917,0:02:17.726 Her family realized that if anyone[br]had been educated about these signs, 0:02:17.750,0:02:19.500 her death could have been prevented. 0:02:20.625,0:02:22.559 So today we're on a mission to make sure 0:02:22.583,0:02:25.869 that others have the information[br]that Yeardley and her friends didn't. 0:02:25.893,0:02:27.643 We have three main goals: 0:02:27.667,0:02:30.934 give all of us a language[br]for talking about a subject 0:02:30.958,0:02:34.351 that's quite awkward[br]and uncomfortable to discuss; 0:02:34.375,0:02:39.226 empower a whole front line,[br]namely friends, to help; 0:02:39.250,0:02:42.333 and, in the process, improve[br]all of our ability to love better. 0:02:43.875,0:02:47.143 To do this, it's always important[br]to start by illuminating 0:02:47.167,0:02:49.893 the unhealthy signs[br]that we frequently miss, 0:02:49.917,0:02:52.393 and our work really focuses[br]on creating content 0:02:52.417,0:02:54.667 to start conversations with young people. 0:02:55.375,0:02:58.018 As you'd expect, most of our content[br]is pretty serious, 0:02:58.042,0:02:59.893 given the subject at hand, 0:02:59.917,0:03:02.559 but today I'm going to use[br]one of our more light-hearted 0:03:02.583,0:03:04.393 yet still thought-provoking pieces, 0:03:04.417,0:03:05.726 "The Couplets," 0:03:05.750,0:03:08.375 to illuminate five markers[br]of unhealthy love. 0:03:09.375,0:03:12.351 The first is intensity. 0:03:12.375,0:03:15.559 (Video) Blue: I haven't seen you[br]in a couple days. I've missed you. 0:03:15.583,0:03:17.536 Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove) 0:03:17.560,0:03:20.726 Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes.[br]It feels like a lifetime. 0:03:20.750,0:03:23.559 What have you been doing[br]without me for five whole minutes? 0:03:23.583,0:03:26.018 Orange: It's been three minutes.[br](#thatsnotlove) 0:03:26.042,0:03:28.625 Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that?[br]I don't know. I do. 0:03:30.000,0:03:32.184 Abusive relationships[br]don't start out abusive. 0:03:32.208,0:03:34.184 They start out exciting and exhilarating. 0:03:34.208,0:03:37.518 There's an intensity[br]of affection and emotion, a rush. 0:03:37.542,0:03:39.226 It feels really good. 0:03:39.250,0:03:41.667 You feel so lucky,[br]like you've hit the jackpot. 0:03:42.750,0:03:45.934 But in unhealthy love,[br]these feelings shift over time 0:03:45.958,0:03:50.250 from exciting to overwhelming[br]and maybe a little bit suffocating. 0:03:50.875,0:03:52.601 You feel it in your gut. 0:03:52.625,0:03:54.893 Maybe it's when your[br]new boyfriend or girlfriend 0:03:54.917,0:03:57.184 says "I love you"[br]faster than you were ready for 0:03:57.208,0:04:00.750 or starts showing up everywhere,[br]texting and calling a lot. 0:04:01.667,0:04:04.809 Maybe they're impatient[br]when you're slow to respond, 0:04:04.833,0:04:07.708 even though they know[br]you had other things going on that day. 0:04:08.583,0:04:12.393 It's important to remember that it's not[br]how a relationship starts that matters, 0:04:12.417,0:04:13.934 it's how it evolves. 0:04:13.958,0:04:16.517 It's important in the early days[br]of a new relationship 0:04:16.541,0:04:18.559 to pay attention to how you're feeling. 0:04:18.583,0:04:21.184 Are you comfortable[br]with the pace of intimacy? 0:04:21.208,0:04:23.792 Do you feel like you have space[br]and room to breathe? 0:04:24.792,0:04:28.518 It's also really important[br]to start practicing using your voice 0:04:28.542,0:04:30.393 to talk about your own needs. 0:04:30.417,0:04:32.333 Are your requests respected? 0:04:33.833,0:04:37.268 A second marker is isolation. 0:04:37.292,0:04:39.018 (Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out? 0:04:39.042,0:04:41.708 Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend[br]always have Monday Funday. 0:04:42.375,0:04:43.684 Orange 2: Want to hang out? 0:04:43.708,0:04:46.351 Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend[br]always have Monday Funday. 0:04:46.375,0:04:49.101 Orange 2: Tomorrow?[br]Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day. 0:04:49.125,0:04:51.292 Orange 2: Wednesday?[br]Orange 1: No Friends Day. 0:04:52.792,0:04:55.851 KH: If you ask me, isolation[br]is one of the most frequently missed 0:04:55.875,0:04:58.226 and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love. 0:04:58.250,0:04:59.518 Why? 0:04:59.542,0:05:02.684 Because every new relationship[br]starts out with this intense desire 0:05:02.708,0:05:04.059 to spend time together, 0:05:04.083,0:05:07.018 it's easy to miss when something shifts. 0:05:07.042,0:05:09.768 Isolation creeps in[br]when your new boyfriend or girlfriend 0:05:09.792,0:05:12.643 starts pulling you away[br]from your friends and family, 0:05:12.667,0:05:14.226 your support system, 0:05:14.250,0:05:16.250 and tethering you more tightly to them. 0:05:17.375,0:05:18.809 They might say things like, 0:05:18.833,0:05:21.309 "Why do you hang out with them?[br]They're such losers" 0:05:21.333,0:05:22.601 about your best friends, 0:05:22.625,0:05:25.476 or, "They want us to break up.[br]They're totally against us" 0:05:25.500,0:05:27.309 about your family. 0:05:27.333,0:05:29.934 Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt 0:05:29.958,0:05:32.833 about everyone from[br]your prerelationship life. 0:05:34.125,0:05:36.184 Healthy love includes independence, 0:05:36.208,0:05:38.684 two people who love spending time together 0:05:38.708,0:05:42.934 but who stay connected to the people[br]and activities they cared about before. 0:05:42.958,0:05:45.851 While at first you might spend[br]every waking minute together, 0:05:45.875,0:05:48.726 over time maintaining independence is key. 0:05:48.750,0:05:51.893 You do this by making plans with friends[br]and sticking to them 0:05:51.917,0:05:54.333 and encouraging your partner[br]to do the same. 0:05:55.833,0:05:58.875 A third marker of unhealthy love[br]is extreme jealousy. 0:05:59.750,0:06:01.851 (Video) Blue 2:[br]What are you so happy about? 0:06:01.875,0:06:04.809 Blue 1: She just started[br]following me on Instagram! 0:06:04.833,0:06:06.684 Blue 2: What are you so nervous about? 0:06:06.708,0:06:10.934 Blue 1: She, she just started[br]following me, like, everywhere. 0:06:10.958,0:06:12.875 (#thatsnotlove) 0:06:14.458,0:06:16.518 KH: As the honeymoon period[br]begins to fade, 0:06:16.542,0:06:18.375 extreme jealousy can creep in. 0:06:19.333,0:06:21.309 Your partner might become more demanding, 0:06:21.333,0:06:24.309 needing to know where you are[br]and who you're with all the time, 0:06:24.333,0:06:27.518 or they might start following you[br]everywhere, online and off. 0:06:27.542,0:06:31.809 Extreme jealousy also brings with it[br]possessiveness and mistrust, 0:06:31.833,0:06:35.101 frequent accusations[br]of flirting with other people or cheating, 0:06:35.125,0:06:37.351 and refusal to listen to you[br]when you tell them 0:06:37.375,0:06:40.250 they have nothing to worry about[br]and that you only love them. 0:06:41.083,0:06:43.809 Jealousy is a part[br]of any human relationship, 0:06:43.833,0:06:46.018 but extreme jealousy is different. 0:06:46.042,0:06:48.809 There's a threatening, desperate[br]and angry edge to it. 0:06:48.833,0:06:50.958 Love shouldn't feel like this. 0:06:52.333,0:06:54.893 A fourth marker is belittling. 0:06:54.917,0:06:57.476 (Video) Blue: Wanna hang out?[br]Orange: I gotta study. 0:06:57.500,0:07:00.417 Blue: You'll get an A anyway,[br]A for amazing. (#thatslove) 0:07:00.875,0:07:03.309 Blue: Wanna hang out?[br]Orange: I gotta study. 0:07:03.333,0:07:04.768 Blue: You'll get an F anyway, 0:07:04.792,0:07:07.958 F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove) 0:07:08.667,0:07:10.434 KH: Yeah, hmm. 0:07:10.458,0:07:13.018 In unhealthy love,[br]words are used as weapons. 0:07:13.042,0:07:15.393 Conversations that used to be[br]fun and lighthearted 0:07:15.417,0:07:17.226 turn mean and embarrassing. 0:07:17.250,0:07:20.268 Maybe your partner makes fun of you[br]in a way that hurts, 0:07:20.292,0:07:23.768 or maybe they tell stories and jokes[br]for laughs at your expense. 0:07:23.792,0:07:26.518 When you try to explain[br]that your feelings have been hurt, 0:07:26.542,0:07:29.934 they shut you down[br]and accuse you of overreacting. 0:07:29.958,0:07:33.750 "Why are you so sensitive?[br]What's your problem. Give me a break." 0:07:34.417,0:07:36.375 You are silenced by these words. 0:07:37.417,0:07:40.809 It seems pretty obvious,[br]but your partner should have your back. 0:07:40.833,0:07:43.476 Their words should build you up,[br]not break you down. 0:07:43.500,0:07:45.893 They should keep[br]your secrets and be loyal. 0:07:45.917,0:07:47.893 They should make you feel more confident, 0:07:47.917,0:07:49.208 not less. 0:07:50.250,0:07:53.208 Finally, a fifth marker: volatility. 0:07:54.042,0:07:56.143 (Video) Orange 1:[br]I'd be sad if we broke up. 0:07:56.167,0:07:58.000 Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove) 0:07:59.042,0:08:01.268 Orange 1: I'd so depressed[br]if we ever broke up. 0:08:01.292,0:08:02.809 I'd throw myself off this step. 0:08:02.833,0:08:05.393 I would! Don't try to stop me! 0:08:05.417,0:08:06.667 (#thatsnotlove) 0:08:09.167,0:08:12.893 KH: Frequent breakups and makeups,[br]high highs and low lows: 0:08:12.917,0:08:15.292 as tension rises, so does volatility. 0:08:16.458,0:08:20.018 Tearful, frustrated fights[br]followed by emotional makeups, 0:08:20.042,0:08:21.684 hateful and hurtful comments like, 0:08:21.708,0:08:24.351 "You're worthless,[br]I'm not even sure why I'm with you!" 0:08:24.375,0:08:29.184 followed quickly by apologies[br]and promises it will never happen again. 0:08:29.208,0:08:33.018 By this point, you've been so conditioned[br]to this relationship roller coaster 0:08:33.042,0:08:36.058 that you may not realize how unhealthy[br]and maybe even dangerous 0:08:36.082,0:08:37.667 your relationship has become. 0:08:39.542,0:08:41.018 It can be really hard to see 0:08:41.042,0:08:43.976 when unhealthy love turns towards abuse, 0:08:44.000,0:08:46.434 but it's fair to say[br]that the more of these markers 0:08:46.458,0:08:47.893 your relationship might have, 0:08:47.917,0:08:51.393 the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous[br]your relationship could be. 0:08:51.417,0:08:53.601 And if your instinct is[br]to break up and leave, 0:08:53.625,0:08:55.809 which is advice[br]so many of us give our friends 0:08:55.833,0:08:57.768 when they're in unhealthy relationships, 0:08:57.792,0:08:59.726 that's not always the best advice. 0:08:59.750,0:09:02.351 Time of breakup can be[br]a real trigger for violence. 0:09:02.375,0:09:05.643 If you fear you might be[br]headed towards abuse or in abuse, 0:09:05.667,0:09:09.708 you need to consult with experts[br]to get the advice on how to leave safely. 0:09:11.042,0:09:13.434 But it's not just[br]about romantic relationships 0:09:13.458,0:09:15.643 and it's not just about violence. 0:09:15.667,0:09:17.934 Understanding the signs of unhealthy love 0:09:17.958,0:09:21.708 can help you audit and understand[br]nearly every relationship in your life. 0:09:22.625,0:09:26.476 For the first time, you might understand[br]why you're disappointed in a friendship 0:09:26.500,0:09:29.226 or why every interaction[br]with a certain family member 0:09:29.250,0:09:32.518 leaves you discouraged and anxious. 0:09:32.542,0:09:35.559 You might even begin to see[br]how your own intensity and jealousy 0:09:35.583,0:09:37.833 is causing problems[br]with colleagues at work. 0:09:39.208,0:09:42.476 Understanding is[br]the first step to improving, 0:09:42.500,0:09:45.559 and while you can't make[br]every unhealthy relationship healthy -- 0:09:45.583,0:09:47.684 some you're going[br]to have to leave behind -- 0:09:47.708,0:09:51.458 you can do your part every day[br]to do relationships better. 0:09:52.250,0:09:53.893 And here's the exciting news: 0:09:53.917,0:09:56.226 it's actually not rocket science. 0:09:56.250,0:09:58.976 Open communication, mutual respect, 0:09:59.000,0:10:01.226 kindness, patience -- 0:10:01.250,0:10:03.667 we can practice these things every day. 0:10:04.875,0:10:07.601 And while practice[br]will definitely make you better, 0:10:07.625,0:10:11.393 I have to promise you[br]it's also not going to make you perfect. 0:10:11.417,0:10:12.768 I do this for a living 0:10:12.792,0:10:15.601 and every day I think and talk[br]about healthy relationships, 0:10:15.625,0:10:18.226 and still I do unhealthy things. 0:10:18.250,0:10:21.643 Just the other day as I was trying[br]to shuttle my four kids out the door 0:10:21.667,0:10:24.643 amidst quarreling, squabbling[br]and complaints about breakfast, 0:10:24.667,0:10:26.768 I completely lost it. 0:10:26.792,0:10:28.934 With an intentionally angry edge, 0:10:28.958,0:10:30.268 I screamed, 0:10:30.292,0:10:32.559 "Everybody just shut up and do what I say! 0:10:32.583,0:10:34.143 You are the worst! 0:10:34.167,0:10:36.393 I am going to take away[br]screen time and dessert 0:10:36.417,0:10:39.601 and anything else you could possibly[br]ever enjoy in life!" 0:10:39.625,0:10:41.101 (Laughter) 0:10:41.125,0:10:42.434 Anybody been there? 0:10:42.458,0:10:45.851 (Applause) 0:10:45.875,0:10:48.500 Volatility, belittling. 0:10:49.417,0:10:52.351 My oldest son turned around[br]and looked at me, and said, 0:10:52.375,0:10:53.976 "Mom, that's not love." 0:10:54.000,0:10:57.351 (Laughter) 0:10:57.375,0:11:00.268 For a minute, I really wanted[br]to kill him for calling me out. 0:11:00.292,0:11:01.809 Trust me. 0:11:01.833,0:11:03.351 But then I gathered myself 0:11:03.375,0:11:06.434 and I thought, you know what,[br]I'm actually proud. 0:11:06.458,0:11:09.792 I'm proud that he has a language[br]to make me pause. 0:11:10.511,0:11:13.226 I want all of my kids to understand[br]what the bar should be 0:11:13.250,0:11:14.684 for how they're treated 0:11:14.708,0:11:17.851 and to have a language and a voice[br]to use when that bar is not met 0:11:17.875,0:11:19.792 versus just accepting it. 0:11:21.667,0:11:26.518 For too long, we've treated[br]relationships as a soft topic, 0:11:26.542,0:11:29.101 when relationship skills[br]are one of the most important 0:11:29.125,0:11:31.684 and hard to build things in life. 0:11:31.708,0:11:34.351 Not only can understanding unhealthy signs 0:11:34.375,0:11:37.893 help you avoid the rabbit hole[br]that leads to unhealthy love, 0:11:37.917,0:11:40.893 but understanding and practicing[br]the art of being healthy 0:11:40.917,0:11:43.542 can improve nearly[br]every aspect of your life. 0:11:44.625,0:11:46.684 I'm completely convinced 0:11:46.708,0:11:49.351 that while love is[br]an instinct and an emotion, 0:11:49.375,0:11:52.684 the ability to love better[br]is a skill we can all build 0:11:52.708,0:11:54.083 and improve on over time. 0:11:54.583,0:11:55.851 Thank you. 0:11:55.875,0:12:00.875 (Applause)