[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.71,0:08:05.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:05.89,0:08:06.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:06.93,0:08:08.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you, thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:08.22,0:08:10.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:01.62,0:00:05.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For the past few years,\Nwe've been calling men out.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:07.10,0:00:08.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It had to be done.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:08.33,0:00:10.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:10.30,0:00:15.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But lately, I've been thinking\Nwe need to do something even harder.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:16.57,0:00:20.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We need, as my good friend\NTony Porter says,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:20.17,0:00:23.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to find a way to call men in.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:25.41,0:00:29.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My father began to sexually abuse me\Nwhen I was five years old.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:30.59,0:00:33.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He would come into my room\Nin the middle of the night.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:33.70,0:00:35.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He appeared to be in a trance.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:36.48,0:00:39.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The abuse continued until I was 10.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.85,0:00:42.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I tried to resist him,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.17,0:00:44.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I was finally able to say no,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.98,0:00:46.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he began to beat me.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:46.82,0:00:48.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He called me stupid.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.61,0:00:49.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He said I was a liar.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:50.97,0:00:53.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The sexual abuse ended when I was 10,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:53.73,0:00:56.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but actually, it never ended.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:57.53,0:00:59.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It changed who I was.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.82,0:01:04.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was filled with anxiety and guilt\Nand shame all the time,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:04.32,0:01:06.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I didn't know why.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.14,0:01:09.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I hated my body, I hated myself,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.22,0:01:10.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got sick a lot,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:10.99,0:01:12.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I couldn't think,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:12.32,0:01:13.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I couldn't remember things.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.34,0:01:17.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was drawn to dangerous men and women
Dialogue: 0,0:01:17.57,0:01:22.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who I allowed -- actually, I invited --\Nto treat me badly,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:22.46,0:01:25.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because that is what my father\Ntaught me love was.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:26.71,0:01:31.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I waited my whole life\Nfor my father to apologize to me.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:32.12,0:01:33.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He didn't.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.49,0:01:35.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He wouldn't.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.03,0:01:37.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then, with the recent\Nscandals of famous men,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:37.82,0:01:41.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as one after another was exposed,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:41.23,0:01:42.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I realized something:
Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.48,0:01:46.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have never heard a man
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.56,0:01:50.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who has committed rape\Nor physical violence
Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.78,0:01:54.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,ever publicly apologize to his victim.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:56.29,0:01:58.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I began to wonder,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.14,0:02:03.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what would an authentic,\Ndeep apology be like?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:08.18,0:02:11.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, something strange began to happen.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.40,0:02:14.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I began to write,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:14.31,0:02:17.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my father's voice\Nbegan to come through me.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:18.24,0:02:20.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He began to tell me what he had done
Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.81,0:02:22.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and why.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:22.27,0:02:25.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He began to apologize.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:25.13,0:02:27.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My father is dead almost 31 years,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:27.61,0:02:29.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and yet, in this apology,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.38,0:02:31.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the one I had to write for him,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.00,0:02:36.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I discovered the power of an apology
Dialogue: 0,0:02:36.51,0:02:39.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and how it actually might be\Nthe way to move forward
Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.26,0:02:41.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the crisis we now face
Dialogue: 0,0:02:41.39,0:02:44.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with men and all the women they abuse.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:45.20,0:02:48.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Apology is a sacred commitment.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.80,0:02:52.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It requires complete honesty.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.72,0:02:55.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It demands deep\Nself-interrogation and time.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:55.97,0:02:57.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It cannot be rushed.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.05,0:03:01.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I discovered an apology has four steps,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:01.16,0:03:04.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and, if you would,\NI'd like to take you through them.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:04.16,0:03:07.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first is you have to say\Nwhat, in detail, you did.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.86,0:03:10.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Your accounting cannot be vague.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:11.24,0:03:12.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm sorry if I hurt you"
Dialogue: 0,0:03:12.71,0:03:14.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or "I'm sorry if I sexually abused you"
Dialogue: 0,0:03:14.73,0:03:16.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,doesn't cut it.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.35,0:03:19.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You have to say what actually happened.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.35,0:03:22.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I came into the room\Nin the middle of the night,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:22.70,0:03:25.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I pulled your underpants down."
Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.81,0:03:27.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I belittled you because\NI was jealous of you
Dialogue: 0,0:03:27.94,0:03:30.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I wanted you to feel less."
Dialogue: 0,0:03:30.37,0:03:33.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The liberation is in the details.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.09,0:03:36.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,An apology is a remembering.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.95,0:03:39.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It connects the past with the present.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.45,0:03:42.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It says that what occurred\Nactually did occur.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.84,0:03:48.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The second step\Nis you have to ask yourself why.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.100,0:03:52.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Survivors are haunted by the why.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:52.04,0:03:57.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why? Why would my father want\Nto sexually abuse his eldest daughter?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:57.16,0:04:00.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why would he take my head\Nand smash it against a wall?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:03.56,0:04:05.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In my father's case,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.69,0:04:09.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he was a child born long after\Nthe other children.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.67,0:04:14.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He was an accident\Nthat became "the miracle."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.50,0:04:18.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He was adored and treated\Nas the golden boy.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:18.71,0:04:21.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But adoration, it turns out, is not love.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.41,0:04:23.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Adoration is a projection
Dialogue: 0,0:04:23.89,0:04:26.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of someone's need for you to be perfect
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.18,0:04:27.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,onto you.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:27.79,0:04:30.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My father had to live up\Nto this impossible ideal,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:30.76,0:04:33.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and so he was never allowed to be himself.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:33.44,0:04:35.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He was never allowed to express tenderness
Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.53,0:04:38.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or vulnerability, curiosity, doubt.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:38.78,0:04:40.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He was never allowed to cry.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.02,0:04:44.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so he was forced to push\Nall those feelings underground,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:44.21,0:04:47.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they eventually metastasized.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.12,0:04:51.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those suppressed feelings\Nlater became Shadowman,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:51.32,0:04:52.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he was out of control,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:52.99,0:04:56.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he eventually unleashed\Nhis torrent on me.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.22,0:05:02.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The third step is you have\Nto open your heart
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.24,0:05:06.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and feel what your victim felt\Nas you were abusing her.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:07.07,0:05:09.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You have to let your heart break.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:09.06,0:05:11.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You have to feel the horror and betrayal
Dialogue: 0,0:05:11.23,0:05:15.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the long-term impacts\Nof your abuse on your victim.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.88,0:05:19.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You have to sit with the suffering\Nyou have caused.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:19.73,0:05:21.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And, of course, the fourth step
Dialogue: 0,0:05:21.40,0:05:24.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is taking responsibility\Nfor what you have done
Dialogue: 0,0:05:24.62,0:05:26.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and making amends.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:26.98,0:05:32.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, why would anyone want to go through\Nsuch a grueling and humbling process?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:32.98,0:05:35.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why would you want to rip yourself open?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:36.64,0:05:40.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because it is the only thing\Nthat will set yourself free.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:40.85,0:05:44.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It is the only thing\Nthat will set your victim free.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:44.56,0:05:47.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You didn't just destroy your victim.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:47.41,0:05:49.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You destroyed yourself.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.48,0:05:53.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There is no one who enacts\Nviolence on another person
Dialogue: 0,0:05:53.63,0:05:56.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who doesn't suffer\Nfrom the effects themselves.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.35,0:06:03.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It creates an incredibly dark\Nand contaminating spirit,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.01,0:06:06.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it spreads\Nthroughout your entire life.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:07.96,0:06:10.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The apology I wrote -- I learned something
Dialogue: 0,0:06:10.76,0:06:13.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about a different lens\Nwe have to look through
Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.18,0:06:16.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to understand the problem\Nof men's violence
Dialogue: 0,0:06:16.23,0:06:20.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I and one billion\Nother women have survived.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.44,0:06:22.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We often turn to punishment first.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.58,0:06:26.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's our first instinct, but actually,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:26.02,0:06:30.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,although punishment\Nsometimes is effective,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:30.46,0:06:32.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on its own, it is not enough.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:32.74,0:06:34.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My father punished me.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.85,0:06:36.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was shut down,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:36.10,0:06:38.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was broken.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:38.59,0:06:42.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think punishment hardens us,\Nbut it doesn't teach us.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:42.17,0:06:44.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Humiliation is not revelation.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:45.33,0:06:50.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We actually need to create a process\Nthat may involve punishment,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:50.21,0:06:52.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whereby we open a doorway
Dialogue: 0,0:06:52.55,0:06:57.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where men can actually become\Nsomething and someone else.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.85,0:07:00.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For so many years, I hated my father.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:00.26,0:07:03.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wanted him dead. I wanted him in prison.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:03.26,0:07:07.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But actually, that rage kept me\Nconnected to my father's story.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:08.09,0:07:12.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What I really wanted\Nwasn't just for my father to be stopped.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:12.68,0:07:14.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wanted him to change.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:14.28,0:07:16.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wanted him to apologize.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.18,0:07:17.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's what we want.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:17.87,0:07:20.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We don't want men to be destroyed,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:20.20,0:07:22.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we don't want them to only be punished.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:22.97,0:07:27.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We want them to see us,\Nthe victims that they have harmed,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:27.66,0:07:29.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we want them to repent
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.68,0:07:31.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and change.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:31.42,0:07:33.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I actually believe this is possible.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.47,0:07:37.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I really believe it's our way forward.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:37.93,0:07:40.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But we need men to join us.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:41.35,0:07:46.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We need men now to be brave\Nand be part of this transformation.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:47.68,0:07:51.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have spent most of my life\Ncalling men out,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:52.34,0:07:54.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I am here now,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:55.34,0:07:56.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,right now,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:57.05,0:07:59.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to call you in.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:01.10,0:08:02.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:02.28,0:08:04.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)