0:08:04.714,0:08:05.865 Thank you. 0:08:05.889,0:08:06.905 (Applause) 0:08:06.929,0:08:08.198 Thank you, thank you. 0:08:08.222,0:08:10.317 (Applause) 0:00:01.619,0:00:05.761 For the past few years,[br]we've been calling men out. 0:00:07.103,0:00:08.302 It had to be done. 0:00:08.326,0:00:10.278 (Applause) 0:00:10.302,0:00:15.646 But lately, I've been thinking[br]we need to do something even harder. 0:00:16.567,0:00:20.149 We need, as my good friend[br]Tony Porter says, 0:00:20.173,0:00:23.889 to find a way to call men in. 0:00:25.412,0:00:29.420 My father began to sexually abuse me[br]when I was five years old. 0:00:30.586,0:00:33.681 He would come into my room[br]in the middle of the night. 0:00:33.705,0:00:35.515 He appeared to be in a trance. 0:00:36.476,0:00:39.150 The abuse continued until I was 10. 0:00:39.846,0:00:42.149 When I tried to resist him, 0:00:42.173,0:00:44.960 when I was finally able to say no, 0:00:44.984,0:00:46.792 he began to beat me. 0:00:46.816,0:00:48.590 He called me stupid. 0:00:48.614,0:00:49.974 He said I was a liar. 0:00:50.974,0:00:53.705 The sexual abuse ended when I was 10, 0:00:53.729,0:00:56.562 but actually, it never ended. 0:00:57.531,0:00:59.237 It changed who I was. 0:00:59.823,0:01:04.298 I was filled with anxiety and guilt[br]and shame all the time, 0:01:04.322,0:01:06.121 and I didn't know why. 0:01:06.145,0:01:09.200 I hated my body, I hated myself, 0:01:09.224,0:01:10.970 I got sick a lot, 0:01:10.994,0:01:12.300 I couldn't think, 0:01:12.324,0:01:13.946 I couldn't remember things. 0:01:14.343,0:01:17.545 I was drawn to dangerous men and women 0:01:17.569,0:01:22.438 who I allowed -- actually, I invited --[br]to treat me badly, 0:01:22.462,0:01:25.276 because that is what my father[br]taught me love was. 0:01:26.708,0:01:31.237 I waited my whole life[br]for my father to apologize to me. 0:01:32.118,0:01:33.470 He didn't. 0:01:33.494,0:01:35.009 He wouldn't. 0:01:35.033,0:01:37.794 And then, with the recent[br]scandals of famous men, 0:01:37.818,0:01:41.207 as one after another was exposed, 0:01:41.231,0:01:42.381 I realized something: 0:01:43.481,0:01:46.536 I have never heard a man 0:01:46.560,0:01:50.758 who has committed rape[br]or physical violence 0:01:50.782,0:01:54.838 ever publicly apologize to his victim. 0:01:56.294,0:01:58.116 I began to wonder, 0:01:58.140,0:02:03.360 what would an authentic,[br]deep apology be like? 0:02:08.179,0:02:11.702 So, something strange began to happen. 0:02:12.404,0:02:14.282 I began to write, 0:02:14.306,0:02:17.290 and my father's voice[br]began to come through me. 0:02:18.235,0:02:20.782 He began to tell me what he had done 0:02:20.806,0:02:22.245 and why. 0:02:22.269,0:02:25.104 He began to apologize. 0:02:25.128,0:02:27.589 My father is dead almost 31 years, 0:02:27.613,0:02:29.361 and yet, in this apology, 0:02:29.385,0:02:31.977 the one I had to write for him, 0:02:32.001,0:02:36.486 I discovered the power of an apology 0:02:36.510,0:02:39.241 and how it actually might be[br]the way to move forward 0:02:39.265,0:02:41.364 in the crisis we now face 0:02:41.388,0:02:44.414 with men and all the women they abuse. 0:02:45.196,0:02:48.966 Apology is a sacred commitment. 0:02:49.798,0:02:52.061 It requires complete honesty. 0:02:52.719,0:02:55.948 It demands deep[br]self-interrogation and time. 0:02:55.972,0:02:57.671 It cannot be rushed. 0:02:58.052,0:03:01.140 I discovered an apology has four steps, 0:03:01.164,0:03:04.133 and, if you would,[br]I'd like to take you through them. 0:03:04.157,0:03:07.989 The first is you have to say[br]what, in detail, you did. 0:03:08.858,0:03:10.807 Your accounting cannot be vague. 0:03:11.236,0:03:12.682 "I'm sorry if I hurt you" 0:03:12.706,0:03:14.707 or "I'm sorry if I sexually abused you" 0:03:14.731,0:03:16.049 doesn't cut it. 0:03:16.350,0:03:19.474 You have to say what actually happened. 0:03:20.351,0:03:22.676 "I came into the room[br]in the middle of the night, 0:03:22.700,0:03:25.074 and I pulled your underpants down." 0:03:25.810,0:03:27.921 "I belittled you because[br]I was jealous of you 0:03:27.945,0:03:30.349 and I wanted you to feel less." 0:03:30.373,0:03:33.358 The liberation is in the details. 0:03:34.088,0:03:36.930 An apology is a remembering. 0:03:36.954,0:03:39.426 It connects the past with the present. 0:03:39.450,0:03:42.712 It says that what occurred[br]actually did occur. 0:03:43.838,0:03:48.203 The second step[br]is you have to ask yourself why. 0:03:48.997,0:03:52.019 Survivors are haunted by the why. 0:03:52.043,0:03:57.139 Why? Why would my father want[br]to sexually abuse his eldest daughter? 0:03:57.163,0:04:00.535 Why would he take my head[br]and smash it against a wall? 0:04:03.565,0:04:05.668 In my father's case, 0:04:05.692,0:04:09.666 he was a child born long after[br]the other children. 0:04:10.671,0:04:14.020 He was an accident[br]that became "the miracle." 0:04:14.495,0:04:18.090 He was adored and treated[br]as the golden boy. 0:04:18.714,0:04:21.774 But adoration, it turns out, is not love. 0:04:22.410,0:04:23.863 Adoration is a projection 0:04:23.887,0:04:26.157 of someone's need for you to be perfect 0:04:26.181,0:04:27.331 onto you. 0:04:27.788,0:04:30.731 My father had to live up[br]to this impossible ideal, 0:04:30.755,0:04:33.029 and so he was never allowed to be himself. 0:04:33.441,0:04:35.502 He was never allowed to express tenderness 0:04:35.526,0:04:38.759 or vulnerability, curiosity, doubt. 0:04:38.783,0:04:40.999 He was never allowed to cry. 0:04:41.023,0:04:44.187 And so he was forced to push[br]all those feelings underground, 0:04:44.211,0:04:47.100 and they eventually metastasized. 0:04:47.124,0:04:51.295 Those suppressed feelings[br]later became Shadowman, 0:04:51.319,0:04:52.963 and he was out of control, 0:04:52.987,0:04:56.549 and he eventually unleashed[br]his torrent on me. 0:04:58.215,0:05:02.215 The third step is you have[br]to open your heart 0:05:02.239,0:05:06.263 and feel what your victim felt[br]as you were abusing her. 0:05:07.072,0:05:09.032 You have to let your heart break. 0:05:09.056,0:05:11.204 You have to feel the horror and betrayal 0:05:11.228,0:05:15.270 and the long-term impacts[br]of your abuse on your victim. 0:05:15.883,0:05:19.167 You have to sit with the suffering[br]you have caused. 0:05:19.729,0:05:21.373 And, of course, the fourth step 0:05:21.397,0:05:24.594 is taking responsibility[br]for what you have done 0:05:24.618,0:05:26.529 and making amends. 0:05:26.977,0:05:32.474 So, why would anyone want to go through[br]such a grueling and humbling process? 0:05:32.982,0:05:35.721 Why would you want to rip yourself open? 0:05:36.636,0:05:40.829 Because it is the only thing[br]that will set yourself free. 0:05:40.853,0:05:44.540 It is the only thing[br]that will set your victim free. 0:05:44.564,0:05:47.384 You didn't just destroy your victim. 0:05:47.408,0:05:49.455 You destroyed yourself. 0:05:49.479,0:05:53.606 There is no one who enacts[br]violence on another person 0:05:53.630,0:05:56.495 who doesn't suffer[br]from the effects themselves. 0:05:57.348,0:06:03.988 It creates an incredibly dark[br]and contaminating spirit, 0:06:04.012,0:06:06.411 and it spreads[br]throughout your entire life. 0:06:07.962,0:06:10.732 The apology I wrote -- I learned something 0:06:10.756,0:06:13.156 about a different lens[br]we have to look through 0:06:13.180,0:06:16.203 to understand the problem[br]of men's violence 0:06:16.227,0:06:20.121 that I and one billion[br]other women have survived. 0:06:20.438,0:06:22.600 We often turn to punishment first. 0:06:23.576,0:06:26.000 It's our first instinct, but actually, 0:06:26.024,0:06:30.440 although punishment[br]sometimes is effective, 0:06:30.464,0:06:32.714 on its own, it is not enough. 0:06:32.738,0:06:34.285 My father punished me. 0:06:34.849,0:06:36.076 I was shut down, 0:06:36.100,0:06:38.051 and I was broken. 0:06:38.587,0:06:42.142 I think punishment hardens us,[br]but it doesn't teach us. 0:06:42.166,0:06:44.604 Humiliation is not revelation. 0:06:45.334,0:06:50.190 We actually need to create a process[br]that may involve punishment, 0:06:50.214,0:06:52.529 whereby we open a doorway 0:06:52.553,0:06:57.293 where men can actually become[br]something and someone else. 0:06:57.847,0:07:00.232 For so many years, I hated my father. 0:07:00.256,0:07:03.234 I wanted him dead. I wanted him in prison. 0:07:03.258,0:07:07.085 But actually, that rage kept me[br]connected to my father's story. 0:07:08.086,0:07:12.657 What I really wanted[br]wasn't just for my father to be stopped. 0:07:12.681,0:07:14.253 I wanted him to change. 0:07:14.277,0:07:16.157 I wanted him to apologize. 0:07:16.181,0:07:17.515 That's what we want. 0:07:17.871,0:07:20.172 We don't want men to be destroyed, 0:07:20.196,0:07:22.950 we don't want them to only be punished. 0:07:22.974,0:07:27.632 We want them to see us,[br]the victims that they have harmed, 0:07:27.656,0:07:29.651 and we want them to repent 0:07:29.675,0:07:31.120 and change. 0:07:31.425,0:07:33.449 And I actually believe this is possible. 0:07:34.474,0:07:37.288 And I really believe it's our way forward. 0:07:37.928,0:07:40.777 But we need men to join us. 0:07:41.354,0:07:46.629 We need men now to be brave[br]and be part of this transformation. 0:07:47.677,0:07:51.376 I have spent most of my life[br]calling men out, 0:07:52.344,0:07:54.070 and I am here now, 0:07:55.336,0:07:56.527 right now, 0:07:57.049,0:07:59.517 to call you in. 0:08:01.104,0:08:02.256 Thank you. 0:08:02.280,0:08:04.690 (Applause)