0:00:19.111,0:00:24.340
Sometimes, the best way to overcome[br]a limit is to reach beyond it,

0:00:24.340,0:00:29.183
to grab hold of that reality[br]and draw it back into the present moment,

0:00:29.183,0:00:30.739
try it on,

0:00:30.739,0:00:32.819
see how it fits.

0:00:32.819,0:00:35.088
That’s what San Francisco mayor[br]Gavin Newsom did

0:00:35.088,0:00:37.119
on Valentine’s Day, 2004,

0:00:37.119,0:00:39.721
when, without any particular legal basis,

0:00:39.721,0:00:43.564
he announced that San Francisco[br]would begin issuing marriage licenses

0:00:43.564,0:00:45.352
to same-sex couples.

0:00:45.352,0:00:49.187
It was a grand gesture,[br]symbolic and photogenic.

0:00:49.187,0:00:52.587
Now, I had always been[br]mixed-emotioned about marriage.

0:00:52.587,0:00:56.531
Not having access to it[br]made it easy to be judgy about it,

0:00:56.531,0:00:59.153
“It’s old-fashioned. It’s sexist!”

0:00:59.683,0:01:03.140
My partner Oren and I[br]were on the same page about this.

0:01:03.140,0:01:05.714
We had registered as domestic partners

0:01:05.714,0:01:09.211
for its slim bundle[br]of coldly described rights,

0:01:10.171,0:01:12.443
but we had never had a ceremony.

0:01:12.443,0:01:14.471
That was too marriage-like,

0:01:14.471,0:01:16.542
and we did not want[br]to mimic an institution

0:01:16.542,0:01:18.582
that did not want to have us.

0:01:20.539,0:01:22.977
But the television coverage[br]was compelling.

0:01:22.977,0:01:24.924
(Laughter)

0:01:27.166,0:01:29.106
And so were our friends -

0:01:29.106,0:01:31.335
I mean, not compelling exactly -

0:01:31.335,0:01:32.965
desperate!

0:01:32.965,0:01:36.872
After two weeks of watching[br]same-sex octogenarian couples

0:01:36.872,0:01:38.520
standing in line in the rain,

0:01:38.520,0:01:42.134
eating damp wedding cakes[br]sent by out-of-state well-wishers -

0:01:42.134,0:01:44.632
a spectacle of love

0:01:44.632,0:01:47.886
that did more to change[br]public attitudes about gay people

0:01:47.886,0:01:53.564
than any campaign, litigation, legislation[br]or protest in American history -

0:01:53.564,0:01:55.827
our friends couldn’t stand it[br]one minute longer.

0:01:55.827,0:01:59.109
“You have to get married![br]It’s a historic moment!” they said,

0:01:59.819,0:02:03.461
meaning, “I have to go to a gay wedding![br]It’s a historic moment.”

0:02:03.461,0:02:05.177
(Laughter)

0:02:07.735,0:02:12.082
Slowly, our resistance[br]gave way to the romance of it.

0:02:12.442,0:02:14.088
We decided to do it.

0:02:14.708,0:02:16.789
I drove down to San Francisco City Hall.

0:02:16.789,0:02:19.402
By this time, there were[br]no more lines around the block;

0:02:19.402,0:02:22.662
instead, there was[br]a computerized appointment system.

0:02:23.022,0:02:24.482
I took a deep breath

0:02:25.394,0:02:28.024
and walked into the county clerk’s office.

0:02:29.154,0:02:31.812
“I’d like a spot[br]on the wedding docket, please.”

0:02:32.842,0:02:34.514
“Sorry, we’re all booked up.”

0:02:35.604,0:02:36.677
“All booked up?”

0:02:36.677,0:02:39.174
“Yep! Next six weeks, booked solid.”

0:02:39.734,0:02:41.117
“Hmm ...

0:02:41.117,0:02:42.867
What about beyond that?”

0:02:42.867,0:02:44.463
“Oh, wide open!”

0:02:45.103,0:02:47.481
“Well, great! I’ll take[br]one of those appointments.”

0:02:47.911,0:02:51.146
“Sorry, we can only make appointments[br]six weeks in advance.”

0:02:51.146,0:02:52.730
(Laughter)

0:02:55.140,0:02:57.268
“So I have to come here every day

0:02:57.268,0:02:59.813
to try to get an appointment[br]six weeks out?”

0:03:00.843,0:03:02.007
“Uh-huh.”

0:03:02.007,0:03:03.142
(Laughter)

0:03:03.142,0:03:05.826
“Can I do this by phone or online?”

0:03:06.966,0:03:08.228
“Sorry.”

0:03:09.218,0:03:12.445
I gave up; clearly,[br]the marrying life was not for me.

0:03:12.445,0:03:13.475
(Laughter)

0:03:13.475,0:03:16.888
I trudged a couple of blocks[br]to a restaurant called Ananda Fuara

0:03:16.888,0:03:21.150
to drown my sorrows[br]in garlic-free vegetarian food.

0:03:21.150,0:03:24.324
When I walked in, I saw[br]my lawyer friend Jeff with his boyfriend.

0:03:24.884,0:03:28.442
I told them how I’d been bested[br]by the bureaucracy,

0:03:28.442,0:03:31.193
then I sat down to order my lentil loaf.

0:03:31.813,0:03:35.423
As I was raking up the last dry crumbs,

0:03:35.423,0:03:37.035
(Laughter)

0:03:37.035,0:03:39.183
Jeff appeared at the table.

0:03:39.183,0:03:41.171
“Listen,” he said,

0:03:41.171,0:03:43.606
“We have a wedding[br]appointment for March 11,

0:03:43.606,0:03:46.654
but the law is so up in the air.

0:03:46.654,0:03:48.711
We’ve decided not to use it.

0:03:49.311,0:03:51.414
We’d like you to have it.”

0:03:53.554,0:03:55.034
“Did they mean it?”

0:03:55.034,0:03:57.458
I didn’t want them giving up[br]their shot at a wedding

0:03:57.458,0:03:59.549
just to do a good turn for me.

0:03:59.549,0:04:02.324
On the other hand,[br]maybe they weren’t ready to commit.

0:04:02.324,0:04:04.748
Maybe they had good reason for cold feet,

0:04:04.748,0:04:07.379
and I was giving them[br]an honorable way out.

0:04:09.329,0:04:10.517
“Thank you.

0:04:10.517,0:04:11.667
Yes.

0:04:12.167,0:04:13.427
Thank you.”

0:04:14.197,0:04:15.186
And we were off.

0:04:15.186,0:04:17.764
We had less than two weeks[br]to pull this thing together.

0:04:17.764,0:04:20.467
It was impossible to get[br]Oren’s parents over from Israel,

0:04:20.467,0:04:22.049
or my sister from Japan.

0:04:22.049,0:04:23.937
But my mother bought a plane ticket.

0:04:23.937,0:04:27.472
We asked county supervisor[br]and former stand-up comedy Tom Ammiano

0:04:27.472,0:04:28.629
to officiate.

0:04:28.629,0:04:30.859
We told our friends to cancel their plans.

0:04:30.859,0:04:34.585
We organized hummus and cake[br]for our celebration afterwards.

0:04:35.015,0:04:37.044
We bought shirts.

0:04:37.044,0:04:38.457
(Laughter)

0:04:39.149,0:04:40.873
The day arrived.

0:04:40.873,0:04:45.235
Breathless, we showed up at City Hall[br]and met up with our entourage.

0:04:45.235,0:04:47.594
Jeff was there too in order to verify

0:04:47.594,0:04:50.288
that he was relinquishing[br]his appointment to us.

0:04:50.688,0:04:54.348
He and Oren and I took a deep breath,

0:04:55.678,0:04:58.180
and walked into the county clerk’s office.

0:04:59.830,0:05:01.763
"We are here to get married."

0:05:03.123,0:05:04.748
"You have an appointment?"

0:05:05.878,0:05:08.240
“I have an appointment,” said Jeff.

0:05:08.690,0:05:10.324
“And I’m giving it to them.”

0:05:11.384,0:05:12.993
“I’m giving it to them.”

0:05:16.217,0:05:18.923
“I’m sorry, wedding appointments[br]are not transferable.”

0:05:18.923,0:05:20.768
(Laughter)

0:05:20.768,0:05:23.029
"But that makes no sense.[br]There’s no fraud here.

0:05:23.029,0:05:25.050
He’s standing right here,[br]saying it’s okay,

0:05:25.050,0:05:27.563
and you already allotted[br]the time for his wedding!”

0:05:28.083,0:05:30.790
"Yeah, not transferable.”

0:05:30.790,0:05:32.424
“No, but you don’t understand.

0:05:32.424,0:05:34.000
My mother flew here from Chicago,

0:05:34.000,0:05:36.305
Tom Ammiano is waiting in the rotunda.

0:05:36.305,0:05:38.368
I have 31 people in the hall,

0:05:38.368,0:05:39.465
and flowers!”

0:05:39.465,0:05:41.260
I added flowers, pathetically,

0:05:41.260,0:05:43.785
as if somehow flowers[br]would tip the balance.

0:05:43.785,0:05:45.264
(Laughter)

0:05:46.794,0:05:49.144
“Not transferable ...”

0:05:50.974,0:05:52.655
“What’s going on here?”

0:05:53.265,0:05:57.529
It was Nancy Alfaro, the duly appointed[br]San Francisco county clerk.

0:05:58.669,0:06:00.517
“They don’t have an appointment.”

0:06:00.927,0:06:03.886
I repeated my whole litany,[br]including the flowers.

0:06:04.926,0:06:06.713
“Go stand over there,” she said,

0:06:06.713,0:06:08.280
pointing to a spot in the office

0:06:08.280,0:06:12.614
that we quickly came to understand[br]as the “problem couple pen.”

0:06:12.614,0:06:14.330
(Laughter)

0:06:14.910,0:06:16.160
We were not alone there.

0:06:16.160,0:06:18.418
There was another "problem couple,"

0:06:18.418,0:06:19.698
Nicole and Amita,

0:06:19.698,0:06:21.878
two young African American lesbians,

0:06:21.878,0:06:23.111
both deaf,

0:06:23.111,0:06:25.943
who had driven up[br]from Riverside to get married.

0:06:25.943,0:06:27.908
They had an appointment,

0:06:27.908,0:06:30.875
but they had not told City Hall[br]they would need an interpreter.

0:06:30.875,0:06:33.179
Hence, consignment to the pen.

0:06:34.069,0:06:39.098
We smiled at each other[br]and exchanged rudimentary pleasantries.

0:06:39.098,0:06:41.108
I should tell you[br]that as an undergraduate,

0:06:41.108,0:06:44.544
I had taken a semester[br]of American Sign Language.

0:06:45.074,0:06:48.955
And in the intervening quarter century,[br]I had never had cause to use it.

0:06:48.955,0:06:50.405
(Laughter)

0:06:50.405,0:06:52.622
But it was important to me[br]to stay in practice,

0:06:52.622,0:06:55.562
so I used to sign a little bit[br]to myself a song on the radio

0:06:55.562,0:06:57.635
or the newscast on TV.

0:06:59.975,0:07:03.892
And in the process, I had begun[br]to make up little signs ...

0:07:03.892,0:07:06.392
(Laughter)

0:07:08.439,0:07:10.224
for words that I didn’t know.

0:07:10.224,0:07:11.339
(Laughter)

0:07:11.339,0:07:13.372
I wasn’t signing[br]with any real deaf people,

0:07:13.372,0:07:14.983
so what was the harm?

0:07:14.983,0:07:16.568
(Laughter)

0:07:19.428,0:07:23.022
Except that over time,[br]I began to lose track …

0:07:23.022,0:07:24.957
(Laughter)

0:07:24.957,0:07:29.148
of what signs I had learned[br]and what I had invented.

0:07:29.148,0:07:30.511
And so,

0:07:30.511,0:07:32.244
when Nancy Alfaro would come over

0:07:32.244,0:07:34.650
with an update about her search[br]for an interpreter,

0:07:34.650,0:07:38.619
I would translate this to them[br]and then study their faces

0:07:38.619,0:07:43.449
to determine if what I had just given them[br]was information or gibberish.

0:07:43.449,0:07:44.893
(Laughter)

0:07:46.034,0:07:48.953
“You know how to sign?”[br]Nancy Alfaro asked.

0:07:48.953,0:07:51.795
“Oh, no. Just a little bit from college.”

0:07:51.795,0:07:53.429
“Can you sign their wedding?”

0:07:54.269,0:07:55.554
“Oh, no.”

0:07:56.284,0:07:58.361
“I need you to sign their wedding.”

0:07:58.971,0:08:01.446
“No, that would be a terrible mistake.”

0:08:01.446,0:08:02.931
(Laughter)

0:08:03.661,0:08:05.535
“Listen to me.

0:08:05.535,0:08:08.643
I cannot send them home[br]to Riverside today not married.

0:08:08.643,0:08:10.818
You must do this.”

0:08:11.800,0:08:13.265
I was about to object again,

0:08:13.265,0:08:17.327
but the wind was taken out of me[br]by Oren’s knuckle deep in my ribs.

0:08:17.987,0:08:20.364
“What about our wedding?” he asked.

0:08:21.724,0:08:25.790
“Your boyfriend signs theirs,[br]then you can have yours.”

0:08:25.790,0:08:27.120
(Laughter)

0:08:28.520,0:08:30.719
(Laughter)

0:08:33.176,0:08:36.405
Before I knew what was happening,[br]I was whisked to a wedding chapel

0:08:36.405,0:08:39.322
that could have only been designed[br]by a civil servant.

0:08:39.322,0:08:41.450
(Laughter)

0:08:42.890,0:08:45.357
Nicole and Amita didn’t bring[br]any friends with them,

0:08:45.357,0:08:46.728
so my buddy Emily,

0:08:46.728,0:08:49.314
a lawyer who had long been fighting[br]the marriage fight,

0:08:49.314,0:08:52.178
stepped up to be their witness[br]and to take pictures.

0:08:52.178,0:08:56.950
The officiant, some city functionary,[br]pressed into overtime matrimonial duty,

0:08:56.950,0:08:58.527
opened his script:

0:09:00.107,0:09:03.941
“We are gathered here[br]in the presence of these witnesses

0:09:03.941,0:09:08.372
to join in matrimony Nicole and Amita.

0:09:10.082,0:09:12.707
We are here with ... ” -

0:09:12.707,0:09:15.551
point to Emily, point to self -

0:09:15.551,0:09:19.025
“Unite in marriage you and you.”

0:09:19.025,0:09:21.230
(Laughter)

0:09:30.192,0:09:34.440
“The contract of marriage is most solemn.”

0:09:35.960,0:09:39.295
“Marriage is important,”

0:09:39.295,0:09:40.895
(Laughter)

0:09:42.005,0:09:44.866
“and is not to be entered into lightly.”

0:09:46.296,0:09:49.549
“Marriage is very important.”

0:09:49.549,0:09:51.696
(Laughter)

0:09:52.561,0:09:54.264
“But seriously and thoughtfully,

0:09:54.264,0:09:57.730
with the full realization[br]of its duties and obligations.”

0:09:59.040,0:10:01.162
(Laughter)

0:10:01.162,0:10:05.106
“Marriage is very, very important.”

0:10:05.106,0:10:07.042
(Laughter)

0:10:11.272,0:10:13.934
I spelled half the ceremony on my fingers.

0:10:14.524,0:10:17.740
I watched frequent[br]confusion on their faces

0:10:18.320,0:10:21.757
give way to looks of love[br]and joy between them.

0:10:21.757,0:10:24.264
I was embarrassed[br]about my ineloquent hands.

0:10:24.264,0:10:27.882
On the other hand, Nicole and Amita[br]did not need a lecture

0:10:27.882,0:10:30.548
on the significance of marriage.

0:10:30.548,0:10:33.900
Nobody getting married[br]in San Francisco that month did.

0:10:34.960,0:10:37.509
They kissed, we hugged them,

0:10:37.509,0:10:40.348
Emily and I raced up the stairs[br]to the rotunda balcony

0:10:40.348,0:10:44.541
where we found Tom Ammiano,[br]with Oren and our gang of people,

0:10:44.541,0:10:45.964
ready to begin.

0:10:47.244,0:10:51.011
“We are gathered here[br]in the presence of these witnesses

0:10:51.011,0:10:54.715
to join in matrimony Oren and Erwin,”

0:10:54.715,0:10:59.585
the same script as I heard downstairs,[br]that now I knew so well.

0:10:59.585,0:11:02.298
We ran through the canned vows,

0:11:02.298,0:11:04.339
and then we added words of our own,

0:11:04.339,0:11:06.492
Hebrew from the Book of Ruth.

0:11:07.472,0:11:09.634
(Hebrew)

0:11:10.324,0:11:12.105
“Where you go, I will go.”

0:11:12.955,0:11:15.286
(Hebrew)

0:11:15.806,0:11:18.219
“Where you lodge, I will lodge.”

0:11:18.719,0:11:21.661
(Hebrew)

0:11:22.048,0:11:26.301
“Your people will be my people;[br]and your God, my God.”

0:11:27.411,0:11:33.018
(Hebrew)

0:11:33.185,0:11:36.093
“And where you die, I will die,

0:11:36.599,0:11:38.524
and there I will be buried.”

0:11:39.657,0:11:43.045
We kissed, we ran downstairs[br]to submit our paperwork,

0:11:43.045,0:11:45.036
we waved goodbye to Nicole and Amita,

0:11:45.036,0:11:48.990
who were two and a half minutes[br]ahead of us in the wedding assembly line …

0:11:48.990,0:11:50.476
(Laughter)

0:11:50.476,0:11:51.891
We piled into the car

0:11:51.891,0:11:54.672
my mother, my cousin,

0:11:58.022,0:12:00.158
my husband, and I.

0:12:02.459,0:12:06.121
We turned on the radio[br]to hear the breaking news bulletin:

0:12:06.687,0:12:09.921
the California Supreme Court[br]had just halted the weddings.

0:12:10.981,0:12:13.925
We canceled our celebration[br]and went right to a protest march

0:12:13.925,0:12:15.983
down Market Street.

0:12:15.983,0:12:19.354
My mother held a sign[br]that someone handed her, saying:

0:12:19.354,0:12:21.181
“That’s my family.”

0:12:22.409,0:12:24.761
Oren and I carried sheets[br]of notebook paper

0:12:24.761,0:12:27.593
on which we’d scribbled “Married Today.”

0:12:29.353,0:12:32.681
A few months later,[br]all of the weddings were invalidated.

0:12:33.921,0:12:36.544
But in that time, something had happened.

0:12:37.374,0:12:40.366
We had reached beyond a limit,

0:12:40.726,0:12:42.337
a limit of law,

0:12:42.337,0:12:44.167
a limit of language.

0:12:44.617,0:12:49.606
We had grabbed that reality[br]and drawn it back into the present moment

0:12:50.256,0:12:54.600
and tried it on like a wedding tux,

0:12:54.600,0:12:56.423
or a bridal veil.

0:12:57.023,0:13:00.541
And we discovered[br]that we liked how it fits.

0:13:02.281,0:13:03.619
It took another four years

0:13:03.619,0:13:07.830
before there was a legal window[br]of opportunity for us to marry again,

0:13:07.830,0:13:09.298
and then another seven years

0:13:09.298,0:13:11.964
before the US Supreme Court[br]made it the law of the land

0:13:11.964,0:13:13.913
and we were able to exhale.

0:13:15.623,0:13:17.664
It always seems strange to me,

0:13:17.664,0:13:20.954
when people ask us[br]how long we’ve been married,

0:13:20.954,0:13:22.905
to say, “Nine years,”

0:13:22.905,0:13:25.899
when we’ve been “us” for 23.

0:13:26.576,0:13:30.849
But we will be the last generation[br]with this disparity,

0:13:31.299,0:13:34.839
with marriages that are icing

0:13:35.289,0:13:39.444
on an already fine and fully baked cake.

0:13:41.144,0:13:43.323
We are here,

0:13:44.003,0:13:45.681
united

0:13:45.681,0:13:47.194
in love.

0:13:48.091,0:13:49.444
Marriage

0:13:49.824,0:13:52.217
very, very …

0:13:52.217,0:13:53.606
(Laughter)

0:13:53.606,0:13:56.026
(American Sign Language) Important.

0:13:56.685,0:13:57.981
Thank you.

0:13:57.981,0:13:59.893
(Applause) (Cheering)