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ERNST & THE LIGHT

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<i>WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?</i>

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<i>Connie here</i>

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Hi babe - Ernie calling.

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<i>Why haven't you called?</i>

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It's that bloody mobile phone.

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It hasn't got the brains to function...

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... well, I don't care, I'll get a new one soon, [br]I can't be bothered anymore.

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<i> How was your trip?</i>

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Oh, good, good --

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It was Guten Tag, Auf Wiedersehen,[br]and everything flew off the shelves!

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<i>Did you see the light last night?</i>

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<i>It was incredibly...</i>

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No, but I read about it.

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Why don't you start spreading your legs,[br]and I'll be home in about an hour?

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<i>(Radio)... the entire globe was lit up for 14½ seconds last night...</i>

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<i>experts from all over the world have gathered in Denmark today</i>

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<i> to examine this high energy release, whose source has not yet been identified...</i>

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<i>... last night's global light phenomenon is being interpreted by the cult as a sign</i>

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<i> -- over 30.000 fanatics in the Philippines have been conducting mass-crucifictions throughout the day...</i>

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Damn it!

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Can I hitch a ride?

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Sure... I don't see a problem with that.

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It's just... I don't think the car will start.

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Try!

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There you go.

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Yep.

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So where are you heading?

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I have a long journey ahead of me.

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Hell, don't we all!

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There's something you need to understand, Ernst.

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You have been chosen.

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I have been what?

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You have been chosen.

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Chosen to follow me.

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This is the dawn of a new age!

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You are my first disciple.

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Hey, are you a member of a cult, or something?

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No, no -- I have returned.

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We have much to do.

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Hey, mitts off my phone!

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It's broken enough as it is.

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I think it is working again.

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How the hell did you do that?

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It hasn't been working the past three days!

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Imagine being the inventor of the telephone.

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No, that was Graham Bell.

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Yes, well, that's beside the point.

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The man must have felt like an idiot.

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Didn't it strike you as odd that I just fixed it like that?

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Yeah, sure, but imagine inventing the phone, right?

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Sure, sure, you have a telephone --

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but you're sitting there with your very own phone

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and you must feel like a right idiot!

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Do you know what I mean?

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There's no one to call, because you're the only one in the world with a telephone!

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Didn't it strike you as odd that you passed me twice on the road back there?

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Nope.

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But didn't it strike you as rather strange[br]that you were able to pass me twice,

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and that your car suddenly went dead,[br]and that I know your name,

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and isn't it highly mysterious that I can [br]make things work again just by touching them?

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Nope.

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People do the most remarkable things to get a ride.

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Are you normal, Ernst?

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Am I normal!

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You are asking me whether <i>I</i> am normal?

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Hell, you are the one who has obviously [br]just escaped from some mental institution!

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I don't understand.

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Things aren't exactly right with you, are they?

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Look at your clothes.

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You are out hitching a ride at two in the morning.

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I am the son of God. I have returned!

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And you have been chosen to be my disciple!

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See what I'm saying?

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You don't look anything like Jesus.

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Not that that's something to crucify a man for.

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Crucify! Get it?

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I... am the Son of God, Ernst.

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Imagine if He had to pay alimony to everyone [br]who has ever claimed to be His son!

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Then He wouldn't have any savings left for the holidays, now would He?

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You are Ernst Petersen, are you not?

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You are a cleaning supplies salesman, are you not?

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Yes.

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And there's nothing wrong with that!

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It may not sound as fancy as a degree in law or business economics, but it pays well, my friend!

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Do you not understand anything?

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The whole world is waiting for us.

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You have been chosen to be the first[br]among the multitudes who will follow me!

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It has been decided.

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And who decided?

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The Lord did.

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We are on a mission.

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Piss off -- get out of my car!

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I refuse to listen to any more bullshit--

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I am tired, I want to go home;[br]I want to get laid, watch tv and then off to bed.

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But Ernst...

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No more mission bullshit!

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No more talk of God and chosen ones.

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If you want a ride, you'll tell me where you're going

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and you will shut the hell up!

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Or you'll tell me about the latest match results,

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or something...

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Is there nothing I can do to make you believe in me?

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Get out!

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But I am the son of God!

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Jesus Christ.

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I wouldn't give two shits if you were Michael Laudrup's sister, you are getting out of my car right now!

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You can't go without me.

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How the hell do you do that?

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I am the son of God.

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Then make it start again.

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Should we go?

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I'll be damned...

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Okay.

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Let's say you are Jesus.

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Then what are you doing here?

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Humanity has waited for me for two thousand years.

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Now I am here at last.

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You might want to lower your expectations [br]for your popularity, you know.

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Of course, you will be given some attention at first; there's the tabloids, the daily news...

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... but the world has changed.

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It's your own fault, you know. [br]Two thousand years is a long time!

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Hey, I'm a salesman -- you always have to follow up on an order within a week,

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--otherwise the client gets cold feet!

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If I had the habit of waiting two thousand years,[br]I would still be driving a Fiat, know what I mean?

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Yes... maybe.

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The times are changing, you have to keep up.

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If only you'd said 'He'll be back in, say, 50 years'

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but now! Now it is too damned late.

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I wasn't my choice.

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Why did it have to take you this long?

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I'm not exactly sure...

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Was it that '2000' sounded cool?

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Or did you do it to increase the excitement?

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It was Father's idea.

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God?

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Yes.

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Isn't he rather bossy?

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I mean, have you never dreamed of [br]doing something all on your own?

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No, I just obey.

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That's not going to take you far!

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Why?

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Because people are fed up with that nonsense.

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Today you need to be independent and strong

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There are plenty of Japanese out there who can do everything better and cheaper and faster

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In this world, it's no good saying:[br]"I'm doing it because my father told me to"

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No, you have to shout it: "Here I am, and I will kick [br]everyone who doesn't take notice right in the crotch!"

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But I...

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No 'but's!

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You just have to face the fact that you failed.

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You're obsolete, the market's gone!

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Yes, pull yourself together and invest your know-how in something new, find out where you're needed.

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Hasn't anyone kept the faith alive?

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Doesn't anyone want salvation?

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Like hell they do.

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People want sex. And violence.[br]And sex and sex.

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[br]And then cleaning supplies.

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Then what's the point of anything?

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The point? Ha!

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Have you ever been a salesman?

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No.

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Okay.

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I think you may have it in you.

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I think I could get you a job.

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No...

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If you don't become my disciple tonight

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and if we... if we don't...

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Then what?

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Then it all goes to hell, or what?

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Yes!

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I'm the saviour!

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You don't have to save anyone,

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you just need to think about yourself.

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But...

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if you don't join me tonight, I'll have to go back,

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don't you understand? I won't be able to come back for another two thousand years!

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You'll just have to stay here.

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I can't.

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Aren't you old enough by now to make your own decisions?

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What is this?

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I will go back.

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You are a very, very sick and confused man,[br]you know that?

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Goodbye, Ernst.

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Well, goodbye, then.

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<i>It's Connie</i>

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Hi babe.

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I'll be home in 20 minutes.

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<i> Did you see it?</i>

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<i>I saw it again, the light!</i>

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<i> The television was...</i>

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Yes, yes, I saw it.

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Wait until you hear this, you won't believe it:

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<i> What?</i>

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My mobile phone is working again!