1 00:00:00,370 --> 00:00:02,120 - Hey, everybody, happy Thursday. 2 00:00:02,120 --> 00:00:04,070 Now, today's question is a good one 3 00:00:04,070 --> 00:00:06,540 but before we jump into that, are you new to my channel? 4 00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:07,373 Welcome. 5 00:00:07,373 --> 00:00:08,630 I am a licensed therapist 6 00:00:08,630 --> 00:00:10,530 talking about all things mental health 7 00:00:10,530 --> 00:00:13,770 and I release videos on Mondays and on Thursdays 8 00:00:13,770 --> 00:00:15,090 so make sure you're subscribed 9 00:00:15,090 --> 00:00:16,770 and have those notifications turned on 10 00:00:16,770 --> 00:00:18,210 so that you don't miss out 11 00:00:18,210 --> 00:00:19,690 but let's jump into today's question 12 00:00:19,690 --> 00:00:22,400 and it is Kati, speaking of this, 13 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:25,090 can you talk about narcissistic abusive parents 14 00:00:25,090 --> 00:00:26,170 and how to cope? 15 00:00:26,170 --> 00:00:27,860 Now, I believe I found this question below 16 00:00:27,860 --> 00:00:30,150 on my Three Types of Narcissists video. 17 00:00:30,150 --> 00:00:31,770 Before we really get into this question 18 00:00:31,770 --> 00:00:33,910 and how we can best cope, there are a few things 19 00:00:33,910 --> 00:00:36,260 that I really wanna discuss with you first. 20 00:00:36,260 --> 00:00:39,830 Number one, when we grow up with a narcissistic parent, 21 00:00:39,830 --> 00:00:43,490 what we struggle with most is emotional neglect. 22 00:00:43,490 --> 00:00:46,360 This happens most commonly when a parent is a narcissist 23 00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:48,760 because they always put their own needs 24 00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:50,220 ahead of their child's. 25 00:00:50,220 --> 00:00:52,610 Remember, narcissism is when we demonstrate 26 00:00:52,610 --> 00:00:55,950 a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration 27 00:00:55,950 --> 00:00:58,040 and have a lack of empathy. 28 00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:02,390 So having a child isn't something that we can emotionally do 29 00:01:02,390 --> 00:01:04,040 or at least not healthfully 30 00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:05,990 and if we need a lot of admiration 31 00:01:05,990 --> 00:01:07,700 and have to feel important, 32 00:01:07,700 --> 00:01:10,150 being a parent to a baby and a child 33 00:01:10,150 --> 00:01:12,470 couldn't be farther from that. 34 00:01:12,470 --> 00:01:15,000 Even from my very limited experience as a nanny 35 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:16,650 and watching my friends have children, 36 00:01:16,650 --> 00:01:18,600 it's obvious to me that being a parent 37 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:22,540 is one of the most humbling experiences of your life. 38 00:01:22,540 --> 00:01:24,140 Children cry frequently. 39 00:01:24,140 --> 00:01:28,660 They need most of the attention, care and affection. 40 00:01:28,660 --> 00:01:31,580 They truly cannot survive on their own without their parent 41 00:01:31,580 --> 00:01:33,510 and therefore they're gonna need us all the time 42 00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:37,430 to feed them, change them and also love and care for them. 43 00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:40,230 If we grew up with a parent who is narcissistic, 44 00:01:40,230 --> 00:01:42,810 this could mean that they weren't able to do anything 45 00:01:42,810 --> 00:01:44,770 more than keep us alive. 46 00:01:44,770 --> 00:01:48,210 Forget the cuddles, forget the patience when we were upset 47 00:01:48,210 --> 00:01:49,990 or even them trying to figure out 48 00:01:49,990 --> 00:01:52,520 what was causing us to cry. 49 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:54,160 If anybody's ever watched a baby when they're crying, 50 00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:56,160 you're like what do you want, need? 51 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:58,930 I bathed you, I fed you, I changed you. 52 00:01:58,930 --> 00:02:00,370 You're trying to figure it out. 53 00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:02,940 So they probably didn't do much of that. 54 00:02:02,940 --> 00:02:06,140 If a narcissistic parent becomes embarrassed by their child 55 00:02:06,140 --> 00:02:09,240 which happens all the time 'cause kids cry in public, 56 00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:10,430 they might throw things in public, 57 00:02:10,430 --> 00:02:11,820 they might try to take their clothes off. 58 00:02:11,820 --> 00:02:12,770 You don't even know. 59 00:02:12,770 --> 00:02:15,270 Children are unpredictable but as a result, 60 00:02:15,270 --> 00:02:18,160 a narcissistic parent could lash out at their child 61 00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:20,070 or even at their spouse 62 00:02:20,070 --> 00:02:22,130 therefore this could mean that as a child 63 00:02:22,130 --> 00:02:25,380 you were possibly emotionally or physically abused 64 00:02:25,380 --> 00:02:28,220 or at least neglected in many ways. 65 00:02:28,220 --> 00:02:30,260 Now, as far as treatment for this goes, 66 00:02:30,260 --> 00:02:32,550 if we're out of that situation and we're trying to heal, 67 00:02:32,550 --> 00:02:35,110 we're trying to figure out what we should do first, 68 00:02:35,110 --> 00:02:38,730 I would consider trauma treatment to be your best option. 69 00:02:38,730 --> 00:02:42,280 While I do think therapy in general could be really helpful 70 00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:44,520 because it's validating, supportive 71 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:46,470 and can give you a safe place to talk through 72 00:02:46,470 --> 00:02:48,680 all that happened while you were growing up 73 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:51,310 but I think being abused or neglected in any way 74 00:02:51,310 --> 00:02:53,170 is a trauma obviously 75 00:02:53,170 --> 00:02:55,150 and working with someone who specializes in that 76 00:02:55,150 --> 00:02:57,170 could speed things along for you 77 00:02:57,170 --> 00:02:59,470 because some of the things that a regular therapist, 78 00:02:59,470 --> 00:03:01,530 not a trauma specialist would bring up 79 00:03:01,530 --> 00:03:02,830 might not be pertinent. 80 00:03:02,830 --> 00:03:05,090 You might need someone just to jump right in with you 81 00:03:05,090 --> 00:03:07,290 and start challenging you in ways 82 00:03:07,290 --> 00:03:09,060 that maybe you don't even know you need 83 00:03:09,060 --> 00:03:10,880 in order to process things through 84 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:13,110 and this could be like EMDR therapy. 85 00:03:13,110 --> 00:03:14,010 I have a video about that 86 00:03:14,010 --> 00:03:15,400 if you're curious what I'm talking about. 87 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,430 I'll link it in the description but these are just, 88 00:03:17,430 --> 00:03:20,030 there are a bunch of different types of trauma treatment 89 00:03:20,030 --> 00:03:21,950 and finding someone who specializes 90 00:03:21,950 --> 00:03:23,840 could be really, really great. 91 00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:26,440 Next, depending on whether the narcissistic parent 92 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:27,730 was your mother or father, 93 00:03:27,730 --> 00:03:30,260 you may wanna consider picking up one of these books, 94 00:03:30,260 --> 00:03:31,480 The Emotionally Absent Mother, 95 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:33,570 I'll link to these in the description, 96 00:03:33,570 --> 00:03:34,980 and The Unavailable Father. 97 00:03:34,980 --> 00:03:36,070 These are great. 98 00:03:36,070 --> 00:03:37,520 You can see all of my tabs. 99 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:39,940 Great books but regardless of who it was, 100 00:03:39,940 --> 00:03:43,280 something we will need to do is to heal the hole 101 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:45,710 they left in us as a child. 102 00:03:45,710 --> 00:03:48,360 When we don't get our emotional needs met as a young child 103 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:51,810 or a baby, we can begin to not trust ourselves, 104 00:03:51,810 --> 00:03:54,940 not trust how we feel or what we think we need. 105 00:03:54,940 --> 00:03:57,750 We can begin to believe that we are making it all up 106 00:03:57,750 --> 00:04:00,370 or aren't important enough anyways. 107 00:04:00,370 --> 00:04:02,610 In most cases, having a narcissistic parent 108 00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:05,340 means you were gaslit for most of your life 109 00:04:05,340 --> 00:04:07,010 and when I talk about gaslighting, 110 00:04:07,010 --> 00:04:09,250 it means that you were manipulated so often 111 00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:11,590 that you may not even trust your own sanity 112 00:04:11,590 --> 00:04:14,240 or your own perception of certain experiences 113 00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:17,260 or things you know happened, you think maybe you made it up. 114 00:04:17,260 --> 00:04:20,010 Overall, whatever messages we internalize 115 00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:21,990 from this neglect and abuse, 116 00:04:21,990 --> 00:04:26,020 it's important now to do our best to be a detective, 117 00:04:26,020 --> 00:04:28,440 again this detective, I love being a detective, 118 00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:30,250 to figure out what's affecting us, 119 00:04:30,250 --> 00:04:33,640 what our triggers are and how we react. 120 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:37,080 Being more mindful of all of this can give us more evidence 121 00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:39,820 that can really help lead us to our healing 122 00:04:39,820 --> 00:04:42,460 and my next tip is journaling 123 00:04:42,460 --> 00:04:44,710 or writing letters that we don't send. 124 00:04:44,710 --> 00:04:47,570 This is a great way to express all we may be feeling 125 00:04:47,570 --> 00:04:50,330 or felt in the past and any anger or hurt 126 00:04:50,330 --> 00:04:53,470 that we may have stuffed down for years and years. 127 00:04:53,470 --> 00:04:55,920 Any way to get those feelings out of our head 128 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:58,750 is really helpful as long as it is safe to do so. 129 00:04:58,750 --> 00:05:00,790 That's why I said letters that you don't send. 130 00:05:00,790 --> 00:05:02,700 So a lot of it's just ways for you to express it. 131 00:05:02,700 --> 00:05:04,850 You can talk about it with your therapist, 132 00:05:04,850 --> 00:05:06,900 talk to friends about it, anything like that 133 00:05:06,900 --> 00:05:08,350 as long as it's not being trapped in here 134 00:05:08,350 --> 00:05:11,520 and stuffed down there and also if you still live at home 135 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,370 with these narcissistic parents, 136 00:05:13,370 --> 00:05:16,600 please get out as soon as possible. 137 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,160 I have an older video about this 138 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:20,470 that's called Dealing With Toxic Parents. 139 00:05:20,470 --> 00:05:21,550 I'll link it in the description 140 00:05:21,550 --> 00:05:23,290 because you should really check it out 141 00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:25,240 and it could really help if you're feeling stuck 142 00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:27,680 in this situation because you still live with them 143 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:32,110 and my next tip is remothering or refathering ourselves. 144 00:05:32,110 --> 00:05:34,120 Whomever it was that wasn't there for us 145 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:36,940 or abused or neglected us in any way, 146 00:05:36,940 --> 00:05:39,730 we're gonna have to heal from that. 147 00:05:39,730 --> 00:05:42,620 I believe that trauma therapy or talk therapy in general 148 00:05:42,620 --> 00:05:45,360 can help with this but we'll need to spend some time 149 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:48,220 figuring out what messages we wished we had received 150 00:05:48,220 --> 00:05:50,680 from that parent and find other ways 151 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,130 to give it to ourselves. 152 00:05:52,130 --> 00:05:54,720 It could be caring for a wound when we've hurt ourselves 153 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:57,000 like if we tripped and fallen and scraped our knee, 154 00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:59,340 we might want to care for that ourselves and clean it up 155 00:05:59,340 --> 00:06:00,670 and put a bandage on it. 156 00:06:00,670 --> 00:06:03,320 It could also be taking care of ourselves when we're sick 157 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:06,690 or saying kind and loving things to ourselves each morning. 158 00:06:06,690 --> 00:06:08,330 There's that positive self-talk. 159 00:06:08,330 --> 00:06:10,550 You knew I was gonna sneak it in in some way 160 00:06:10,550 --> 00:06:13,410 but whatever it is and it may be all of those things 161 00:06:13,410 --> 00:06:15,420 just FYI, it could be a bunch of different things 162 00:06:15,420 --> 00:06:17,600 that you do to show love and care for yourselves 163 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:20,540 but make sure you give yourself the time to do it 164 00:06:20,540 --> 00:06:23,670 and to heal because this hurt didn't happen overnight 165 00:06:23,670 --> 00:06:27,060 so unfortunately it's not gonna heal overnight either 166 00:06:27,060 --> 00:06:28,660 and I hope you found that helpful. 167 00:06:28,660 --> 00:06:30,500 I hear about these things all the time, 168 00:06:30,500 --> 00:06:32,460 those of us growing up with narcissistic parents 169 00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:33,820 and how painful it can be 170 00:06:33,820 --> 00:06:36,560 so I hope that that just offers a little bit of guidance 171 00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:39,240 on how you can begin that process 172 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:40,700 but if you've been through this yourself, 173 00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:43,090 can you just leave us some tips and tricks and tools 174 00:06:43,090 --> 00:06:44,970 and maybe resources that you know of 175 00:06:44,970 --> 00:06:47,770 because together we're working towards a healthy mind 176 00:06:47,770 --> 00:06:50,953 and a healthy body and I will see you next time, bye.