1
00:00:13,395 --> 00:00:14,749
I am going to talk to you tonight

2
00:00:14,749 --> 00:00:15,981
about coming out of the closet.

3
00:00:16,487 --> 00:00:17,759
And not in the traditional sense,

4
00:00:17,759 --> 00:00:19,456
not just the "gay" closet.

5
00:00:19,904 --> 00:00:21,486
I think we all have closets,

6
00:00:22,233 --> 00:00:24,082
your closet may be telling someone

7
00:00:24,082 --> 00:00:25,613
you love her for the first time.

8
00:00:25,870 --> 00:00:27,575
Or telling someone you're pregnant.

9
00:00:28,144 --> 00:00:29,985
Or telling someone you have cancer.

10
00:00:30,497 --> 00:00:32,988
Or any of the other hard conversations

11
00:00:32,988 --> 00:00:34,623
we have throughout our lives.

12
00:00:34,623 --> 00:00:38,272
All the closet is, 
is a hard conversation.

13
00:00:38,819 --> 00:00:41,769
And although our topics 
may vary tremendously,

14
00:00:41,769 --> 00:00:44,807
the experience of being in 
and coming out of the closet

15
00:00:44,807 --> 00:00:46,267
is universal.

16
00:00:46,707 --> 00:00:49,322
It is scary, and we hate it,

17
00:00:50,064 --> 00:00:51,546
and it needs to be done.

18
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:55,768
Several years ago, I was working 
at the Southside Walnut Café,

19
00:00:55,768 --> 00:00:57,727
(Laughter)

20
00:00:57,727 --> 00:00:59,561
a local diner in town,

21
00:00:59,561 --> 00:01:00,894
and during my time there,

22
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:04,504
I would go through phases 
of militant, lesbian, intensity.

23
00:01:04,504 --> 00:01:06,000
(Laughter)

24
00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:07,711
Not shaving my armpits,

25
00:01:07,711 --> 00:01:10,445
quoting Ani DiFranco lyrics as gospel,

26
00:01:11,217 --> 00:01:13,617
and depending on the bagginess 
of my cargo shorts,

27
00:01:13,617 --> 00:01:16,310
and how recently I'd shaved my head,

28
00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:17,812
the question would often 
be sprung on me,

29
00:01:17,812 --> 00:01:18,762
usually by a little kid:

30
00:01:20,219 --> 00:01:23,657
"Mmmm, are you a boy, 
or are you a girl?"

31
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And there would be 
an awkward silence at the table,

32
00:01:27,856 --> 00:01:29,763
I'd clench my jaw a little tighter,

33
00:01:30,173 --> 00:01:32,453
hold my coffee pot 
with a little more vengeance,

34
00:01:33,286 --> 00:01:35,829
the Dad would awkwardly 
shuffle his newspaper,

35
00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:38,058
and the Mom would shoot 
a chilling stare at her kid.

36
00:01:38,501 --> 00:01:39,754
But I would say nothing,

37
00:01:40,167 --> 00:01:41,965
and I would seethe inside.

38
00:01:42,403 --> 00:01:43,549
And it got to the point that everytime

39
00:01:43,549 --> 00:01:45,086
I walked up to a table that had a kid

40
00:01:45,086 --> 00:01:46,449
anywhere between 3 and 10 years old,

41
00:01:46,449 --> 00:01:47,899
I was ready to fight.

42
00:01:47,899 --> 00:01:49,625
(Laughter)

43
00:01:49,625 --> 00:01:51,415
And that is a terrible feeling.

44
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So I promised myself 
that the next time,

45
00:01:53,387 --> 00:01:54,928
I would say something.

46
00:01:55,549 --> 00:01:57,509
I would have that hard conversation.

47
00:01:57,785 --> 00:01:59,979
So within a matter of weeks, 
it happens again:

48
00:01:59,979 --> 00:02:02,528
"Are you a boy, or are you a girl?"

49
00:02:03,090 --> 00:02:04,636
Familiar silence.

50
00:02:05,025 --> 00:02:06,259
But this time, I am ready.

51
00:02:06,259 --> 00:02:10,898
And I am about to go 
all Woman Studies 101 on this table.

52
00:02:10,898 --> 00:02:12,659
(Laughter)

53
00:02:12,659 --> 00:02:14,935
I've got my Betty Friedan quotes,

54
00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:16,976
I've got my Gloria Steinem quotes,

55
00:02:16,976 --> 00:02:19,940
I even got this little bit from
Vagina Monologues I'm gonna do,

56
00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,667
so I take a deep breath, 
and I look down,

57
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,446
and staring back at me

58
00:02:25,446 --> 00:02:27,449
is a 4-year old girl in a pink dress.

59
00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:30,250
Not a challenge to a feminist duel,

60
00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:32,252
just a kid, with a question:

61
00:02:33,168 --> 00:02:34,764
"Are you a boy, or are you a girl?"

62
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So I take another deep breath,

63
00:02:37,091 --> 00:02:38,225
squat down next to her and say:

64
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"Hey, I know it's kind of confusing,

65
00:02:40,594 --> 00:02:41,962
my hair is short like a boy's,

66
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and I wear boys' clothes,

67
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but I'm a girl

68
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and you know how sometimes 
you like to wear a pink dress,

69
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and sometimes you like 
to wear your comfie jammies,

70
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well, I'm more of 
a comfie jammies kind of a girl."

71
00:02:51,876 --> 00:02:52,642
(Laughter)

72
00:02:52,642 --> 00:02:54,608
And this kid looks me dead in the eye

73
00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:55,542
without missing a beat and says:

74
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"My favorite pajamas are purple

75
00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:59,680
with fish, can I get a pancake please?"

76
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:02,392
(Laughter)

77
00:03:02,392 --> 00:03:04,229
And that was it, just:

78
00:03:04,229 --> 00:03:07,434
"Oh, OK, you're a girl. 
How 'bout that pancake?"

79
00:03:07,434 --> 00:03:08,555
(Laughter)

80
00:03:08,555 --> 00:03:13,042
It was the easiest hard conversation 
I have ever had.

81
00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:14,595
And why?

82
00:03:14,595 --> 00:03:16,029
Because Pancake Girl and I,

83
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:18,005
we were both real with each other.

84
00:03:19,154 --> 00:03:20,995
So, like many of us,

85
00:03:20,995 --> 00:03:22,836
I've lived in a few closets in my life,

86
00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:25,691
and yeah, most often, 
my walls happen to be rainbow.

87
00:03:26,079 --> 00:03:27,708
But inside, in the dark,

88
00:03:28,075 --> 00:03:30,210
you can't tell what color the walls are.

89
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:31,712
You just know what it feels like

90
00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,243
to live in a closet.

91
00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:36,726
So really, my closet 
is no different than yours,

92
00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:38,407
or yours,

93
00:03:38,860 --> 00:03:40,074
or yours.

94
00:03:40,522 --> 00:03:42,227
Sure, I can give you 100 reasons

95
00:03:42,227 --> 00:03:43,134
why coming out of my closet

96
00:03:43,134 --> 00:03:44,427
was harder than coming out of yours,

97
00:03:44,427 --> 00:03:45,307
but here's the thing,

98
00:03:45,307 --> 00:03:46,340
hard is not relative,

99
00:03:46,340 --> 00:03:48,047
hard is hard.

100
00:03:48,765 --> 00:03:49,577
Who can tell me

101
00:03:49,577 --> 00:03:51,222
that explaining to someone

102
00:03:51,222 --> 00:03:52,522
you've just declared bankrupcy

103
00:03:52,522 --> 00:03:53,567
is harder than telling someone

104
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:54,729
when you just cheated on them.

105
00:03:54,729 --> 00:03:55,637
Who can tell me

106
00:03:55,793 --> 00:03:57,312
that his coming out story

107
00:03:57,312 --> 00:03:59,006
is harder than telling your 5-year old

108
00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:00,174
you're getting a divorce.

109
00:04:00,174 --> 00:04:01,275
There is no "harder",

110
00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:03,229
there is just "hard."

111
00:04:03,788 --> 00:04:05,846
We need to stop ranking our "hard"

112
00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:07,114
against everybody else's "hard"

113
00:04:07,114 --> 00:04:09,116
to make us feel better 
or worse about our closet

114
00:04:09,116 --> 00:04:10,584
and just commiserate on the fact

115
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:12,827
that we all have "hard."

116
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:15,166
At some point in our lives,

117
00:04:15,166 --> 00:04:16,884
we all live in closets,

118
00:04:16,884 --> 00:04:18,294
and they may feel safe.

119
00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:20,561
Or at least, safer than what lies

120
00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:21,879
on the other side of that door.

121
00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:23,248
But I'm here to tell you,

122
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,602
no matter what your walls are made of,

123
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:29,144
a closet is no place 
for a person to live.

124
00:04:29,907 --> 00:04:30,737
(Cheers)
(Applause)

125
00:04:30,737 --> 00:04:32,039
Thanks.

126
00:04:34,009 --> 00:04:36,310
So why is coming out of any closet,

127
00:04:36,310 --> 00:04:37,711
why is having that conversation,

128
00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:39,271
why is it so hard?

129
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,604
Because they're stressful.

130
00:04:42,287 --> 00:04:43,817
We're so concerned about the reaction

131
00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:45,646
of the other person, and understandably.

132
00:04:46,353 --> 00:04:47,634
Will they be angry?

133
00:04:47,634 --> 00:04:48,313
Sad?

134
00:04:48,313 --> 00:04:49,217
Disappointed?

135
00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:50,848
Will we loose a friend?

136
00:04:50,848 --> 00:04:51,507
A parent?

137
00:04:51,507 --> 00:04:52,326
A lover?

138
00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:53,835
These conversations cause stress.

139
00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,440
So let's kick out 
on stress for a minute.

140
00:04:56,930 --> 00:04:59,469
Stress is a natural reaction
in your body.

141
00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:01,902
When you encounter a perceived threat,

142
00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:02,946
-- keyword, "perceived" --

143
00:05:03,237 --> 00:05:05,572
your hypothalamus sounds the alarm,

144
00:05:05,572 --> 00:05:06,940
and adrenaline and cortisol

145
00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:08,897
start coursing through your veins.

146
00:05:08,897 --> 00:05:10,210
This is known as

147
00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:12,646
Fight or Flight.

148
00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:14,014
Sometimes you rumble,

149
00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:15,148
sometimes you run.

150
00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:17,450
And this is a totally normal reaction.

151
00:05:17,450 --> 00:05:19,189
And, comes from a time

152
00:05:19,189 --> 00:05:22,131
when that threat was 
being chased by a wooly mammoth.

153
00:05:22,947 --> 00:05:24,157
The problem is

154
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:25,894
your hypothalamus has no idea

155
00:05:25,894 --> 00:05:27,895
if you're being chased 
by a wooly mammoth,

156
00:05:27,895 --> 00:05:29,463
or if your computer just crashed,

157
00:05:29,463 --> 00:05:31,164
or if your in-laws just showed up 
on your doorsteps,

158
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:32,566
or if you're about 
to jump out of a plane,

159
00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:34,001
or if you need to tell someone you love

160
00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:35,501
that you have a brain tumor.

161
00:05:36,273 --> 00:05:37,265
The difference is

162
00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,657
the wooly mammoth 
chases you for, what,

163
00:05:39,657 --> 00:05:40,969
maybe 10 minutes.

164
00:05:40,969 --> 00:05:42,709
Not having those hard conversations,

165
00:05:42,709 --> 00:05:44,145
that can go on for years,

166
00:05:44,145 --> 00:05:48,077
and your body just can't handle that.

167
00:05:48,077 --> 00:05:50,717
Chronic exposure to adrenaline and cortisol

168
00:05:50,717 --> 00:05:53,461
disrupts almost every system in your body

169
00:05:53,461 --> 00:05:55,104
and can lead to anxiety,

170
00:05:55,104 --> 00:05:56,622
depression, heart disease,

171
00:05:56,622 --> 00:05:57,965
just to name a few.

172
00:05:57,965 --> 00:05:59,936
When you do not have hard conversations,

173
00:06:01,032 --> 00:06:03,072
when you keep the truth about yourself a secret,

174
00:06:03,072 --> 00:06:05,844
you're essentially holding a grenade.

175
00:06:06,715 --> 00:06:08,667
So, imagine yourself

176
00:06:09,393 --> 00:06:10,288
20 years ago.

177
00:06:11,004 --> 00:06:11,739
Me,

178
00:06:12,822 --> 00:06:14,537
I had a pony tail,

179
00:06:14,607 --> 00:06:15,979
a strapless dress,

180
00:06:15,979 --> 00:06:17,458
and high heel shoes.

181
00:06:17,458 --> 00:06:19,509
I was not the militant lesbian

182
00:06:19,509 --> 00:06:22,351
ready to fight any 4-year old 
that walked into the café.

183
00:06:22,351 --> 00:06:23,984
(Laughter)

184
00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:25,462
I was frozen by fear,

185
00:06:25,894 --> 00:06:27,076
curled up in a corner

186
00:06:27,076 --> 00:06:29,262
of my pitch-black closet,

187
00:06:29,262 --> 00:06:31,199
clutching my gay grenade.

188
00:06:31,658 --> 00:06:33,499
And moving one muscle

189
00:06:33,499 --> 00:06:35,162
is the scariest thing

190
00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:36,984
I have ever done.

191
00:06:37,965 --> 00:06:38,966
My family,

192
00:06:38,966 --> 00:06:39,571
my friends,

193
00:06:39,571 --> 00:06:40,233
complete strangers,

194
00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:41,602
I had spent my entire life

195
00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:42,903
trying to not disappoint these people.

196
00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:46,058
And now, I was turning 
the world upside down.

197
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:47,654
On purpose.

198
00:06:48,535 --> 00:06:50,298
I was burning the pages of the script

199
00:06:50,298 --> 00:06:52,446
we had all followed for so long,

200
00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:53,898
but if you do not throw that grenade,

201
00:06:53,898 --> 00:06:55,444
it will kill you.

202
00:06:56,483 --> 00:06:58,318
One of my most memorable grenade-tosses

203
00:06:58,318 --> 00:06:59,773
was at my sister's wedding.

204
00:06:59,773 --> 00:07:03,036
(Laughter)

205
00:07:03,036 --> 00:07:04,858
It was the first time 
that many on attendance

206
00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:06,297
knew that I was gay.

207
00:07:06,297 --> 00:07:07,694
So in doing my Maid of Honor duties,

208
00:07:07,694 --> 00:07:10,041
in my black dress and heels,

209
00:07:10,691 --> 00:07:11,832
I walked around the tables,

210
00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:14,308
and finally landed at the table 
of my parents' friends,

211
00:07:14,308 --> 00:07:15,976
folks that had known me for years.

212
00:07:16,903 --> 00:07:18,813
And after a little small talk,

213
00:07:18,813 --> 00:07:20,307
one of the women shouted out:

214
00:07:20,307 --> 00:07:21,775
"I love Nathan Lane!"

215
00:07:23,178 --> 00:07:25,045
And the battle of gay relatebility

216
00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:26,146
had begun.

217
00:07:26,146 --> 00:07:27,848
"Ash, have you ever been to the Castro?"

218
00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:30,350
"Well, yeah, actually, 
we have friends in San Francisco."

219
00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:31,318
"We've never been there,

220
00:07:31,318 --> 00:07:33,046
but we hear it's 'fa-bu-lous'!!"

221
00:07:33,046 --> 00:07:34,821
"Ash, do you know my hairdresser Antonio,

222
00:07:34,821 --> 00:07:38,091
he's really good, and 
he's never talked about a girlfriend."

223
00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:39,664
"Ash, what's your favorite TV show?

224
00:07:39,664 --> 00:07:41,828
Our favorite TV show: 
favorite, Will and Grace,

225
00:07:41,828 --> 00:07:43,472
you know who we love? Jack.

226
00:07:43,472 --> 00:07:44,798
Jack is our favorite."

227
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,723
And then one woman,

228
00:07:46,723 --> 00:07:48,068
stumped,

229
00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:50,303
but wanting so desperately
to show her support,

230
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:52,673
to let me know she was on my side,

231
00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:54,041
she finally blurted out:

232
00:07:54,041 --> 00:07:57,711
"Well, sometimes my husband 
wears pink shirts."

233
00:07:57,711 --> 00:08:00,584
(Laughter)

234
00:08:00,584 --> 00:08:02,149
And I had a choice in that moment,

235
00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:04,083
as all grenade-throwers do.

236
00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:06,219
I could go back to my girlfriend,

237
00:08:06,219 --> 00:08:07,644
and my gay-loving table,

238
00:08:07,644 --> 00:08:09,550
and mock their responses.

239
00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:11,638
Chastise their unworldliness,

240
00:08:11,638 --> 00:08:12,893
and their inability to jump through

241
00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:14,294
the politically-correct gay hoops

242
00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:15,429
I had brought with me,

243
00:08:15,429 --> 00:08:16,245
or,

244
00:08:16,563 --> 00:08:18,070
I could empatize with them,

245
00:08:18,070 --> 00:08:19,466
and realize that that was maybe

246
00:08:19,466 --> 00:08:21,276
one of the hardest things 
that they had ever done.

247
00:08:21,802 --> 00:08:23,001
That starting,

248
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,933
and having that conversation,

249
00:08:25,439 --> 00:08:27,607
was them coming out of their closets.

250
00:08:27,607 --> 00:08:28,975
Sure, it would have been easy

251
00:08:28,975 --> 00:08:30,562
to point out where they fell short.

252
00:08:30,562 --> 00:08:31,711
It's a lot harder

253
00:08:31,711 --> 00:08:33,113
to meet them where they are,

254
00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:34,247
and acknowledge the fact that

255
00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:35,182
they were trying,

256
00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:37,783
and what else can you ask someone to do,

257
00:08:37,783 --> 00:08:39,260
but try.

258
00:08:40,454 --> 00:08:42,235
If you're going to be real with someone,

259
00:08:42,235 --> 00:08:43,543
you've got to be ready

260
00:08:43,543 --> 00:08:45,191
for real in return.

261
00:08:46,093 --> 00:08:48,862
So, hard conversations 
are still not my strong suit.

262
00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:50,768
Ask anybody I've ever dated.

263
00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:52,555
But I'm getting better.

264
00:08:53,039 --> 00:08:54,361
And I follow what I like to call

265
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:56,303
'The Three Pancake Girl Principles."

266
00:08:56,303 --> 00:08:57,285
Now, please,

267
00:08:58,038 --> 00:08:59,889
view this through gay-colored lenses,

268
00:08:59,889 --> 00:09:00,907
but know,

269
00:09:00,907 --> 00:09:02,843
what it takes to come out of any closet,

270
00:09:02,843 --> 00:09:04,462
is essentially the same.

271
00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:06,086
Number One:

272
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Be Authentic,

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take the armor off, be yourself.

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That kid in the café

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had no armor,

276
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but I was ready for battle.

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Stupid hypothalamus.

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If you want someone to be real with you,

279
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they need to know that you bleed too.

280
00:09:21,027 --> 00:09:21,962
Number Two:

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Be Direct,

282
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You say it, rip the bandaid off.

283
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,232
If you know you are gay,

284
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just say it.

285
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:28,502
If you tell your parents 
you might be gay,

286
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they will hold that hope 
that this will change.

287
00:09:30,066 --> 00:09:30,937
Do not give them

288
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that sense of false hope.

289
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(Laughter)

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And Number Three,

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and most important:

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(Laughter)

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Be Unapologetic.

294
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You are speaking your truth.

295
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Never apologize for that.

296
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And some folks might 
have gotten hurt along the way.

297
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So sure.

298
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Apologize for what you've done.

299
00:09:56,997 --> 00:10:00,267
But never apologize for who you are.

300
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And yeah, some folks
may be disappointed.

301
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But that is on them.

302
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Not on you.

303
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Those are their expectations 
of who you are,

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not yours.

305
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That is their story.

306
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Not yours.

307
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The only story that matters

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is the one that you want to write.

309
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So the next time you find yourself

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in a pitchblack closet

311
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clutching your grenade,

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know that we've all been there before.

313
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And you may feel so very alone,

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but you are not.

315
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And we know it's hard,

316
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but we need you out here,

317
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no matter what your walls are made of.

318
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Because I guarantee you

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there are others 
peering through the keyhole

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of their closet

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looking for the next brave soul

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to bust a door open

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so BE that person,

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and show the world that 
we are bigger than our closets,

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and that a closet is no place

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for a person to truly live.

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Thank you Boulder, enjoy your night.

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(Cheers)
(Applause)