0:00:13.395,0:00:14.749
I am going to talk to you tonight

0:00:14.749,0:00:15.981
about coming out of the closet.

0:00:16.487,0:00:17.759
And not in the traditional sense,

0:00:17.759,0:00:19.456
not just the "gay" closet.

0:00:19.904,0:00:21.486
I think we all have closets,

0:00:22.233,0:00:24.082
your closet may be telling someone

0:00:24.082,0:00:25.613
you love her for the first time.

0:00:25.870,0:00:27.575
Or telling someone you're pregnant.

0:00:28.144,0:00:29.985
Or telling someone you have cancer.

0:00:30.497,0:00:32.988
Or any of the other hard conversations

0:00:32.988,0:00:34.623
we have throughout our lives.

0:00:34.623,0:00:38.272
All the closet is, [br]is a hard conversation.

0:00:38.819,0:00:41.769
And although our topics [br]may vary tremendously,

0:00:41.769,0:00:44.807
the experience of being in [br]and coming out of the closet

0:00:44.807,0:00:46.267
is universal.

0:00:46.707,0:00:49.322
It is scary, and we hate it,

0:00:50.064,0:00:51.546
and it needs to be done.

0:00:52.720,0:00:55.768
Several years ago, I was working [br]at the Southside Walnut Café,

0:00:55.768,0:00:57.727
(Laughter)

0:00:57.727,0:00:59.561
a local diner in town,

0:00:59.561,0:01:00.894
and during my time there,

0:01:00.894,0:01:04.504
I would go through phases [br]of militant, lesbian, intensity.

0:01:04.504,0:01:06.000
(Laughter)

0:01:06.000,0:01:07.711
Not shaving my armpits,

0:01:07.711,0:01:10.445
quoting Ani DiFranco lyrics as gospel,

0:01:11.217,0:01:13.617
and depending on the bagginess [br]of my cargo shorts,

0:01:13.617,0:01:16.310
and how recently I'd shaved my head,

0:01:16.310,0:01:17.812
the question would often [br]be sprung on me,

0:01:17.812,0:01:18.762
usually by a little kid:

0:01:20.219,0:01:23.657
"Mmmm, are you a boy, [br]or are you a girl?"

0:01:24.969,0:01:26.909
And there would be [br]an awkward silence at the table,

0:01:27.856,0:01:29.763
I'd clench my jaw a little tighter,

0:01:30.173,0:01:32.453
hold my coffee pot [br]with a little more vengeance,

0:01:33.286,0:01:35.829
the Dad would awkwardly [br]shuffle his newspaper,

0:01:35.829,0:01:38.058
and the Mom would shoot [br]a chilling stare at her kid.

0:01:38.501,0:01:39.754
But I would say nothing,

0:01:40.167,0:01:41.965
and I would seethe inside.

0:01:42.403,0:01:43.549
And it got to the point that everytime

0:01:43.549,0:01:45.086
I walked up to a table that had a kid

0:01:45.086,0:01:46.449
anywhere between 3 and 10 years old,

0:01:46.449,0:01:47.899
I was ready to fight.

0:01:47.899,0:01:49.625
(Laughter)

0:01:49.625,0:01:51.415
And that is a terrible feeling.

0:01:51.415,0:01:53.387
So I promised myself [br]that the next time,

0:01:53.387,0:01:54.928
I would say something.

0:01:55.549,0:01:57.509
I would have that hard conversation.

0:01:57.785,0:01:59.979
So within a matter of weeks, [br]it happens again:

0:01:59.979,0:02:02.528
"Are you a boy, or are you a girl?"

0:02:03.090,0:02:04.636
Familiar silence.

0:02:05.025,0:02:06.259
But this time, I am ready.

0:02:06.259,0:02:10.898
And I am about to go [br]all Woman Studies 101 on this table.

0:02:10.898,0:02:12.659
(Laughter)

0:02:12.659,0:02:14.935
I've got my Betty Friedan quotes,

0:02:14.935,0:02:16.976
I've got my Gloria Steinem quotes,

0:02:16.976,0:02:19.940
I even got this little bit from[br]Vagina Monologues I'm gonna do,

0:02:20.474,0:02:22.667
so I take a deep breath, [br]and I look down,

0:02:23.977,0:02:25.446
and staring back at me

0:02:25.446,0:02:27.449
is a 4-year old girl in a pink dress.

0:02:27.848,0:02:30.250
Not a challenge to a feminist duel,

0:02:30.250,0:02:32.252
just a kid, with a question:

0:02:33.168,0:02:34.764
"Are you a boy, or are you a girl?"

0:02:35.289,0:02:37.091
So I take another deep breath,

0:02:37.091,0:02:38.225
squat down next to her and say:

0:02:38.225,0:02:40.594
"Hey, I know it's kind of confusing,

0:02:40.594,0:02:41.962
my hair is short like a boy's,

0:02:41.962,0:02:43.163
and I wear boys' clothes,

0:02:43.163,0:02:44.306
but I'm a girl

0:02:44.306,0:02:46.233
and you know how sometimes [br]you like to wear a pink dress,

0:02:46.233,0:02:48.736
and sometimes you like [br]to wear your comfie jammies,

0:02:48.736,0:02:50.986
well, I'm more of [br]a comfie jammies kind of a girl."

0:02:51.876,0:02:52.642
(Laughter)

0:02:52.642,0:02:54.608
And this kid looks me dead in the eye

0:02:54.608,0:02:55.542
without missing a beat and says:

0:02:55.542,0:02:57.578
"My favorite pajamas are purple

0:02:57.578,0:02:59.680
with fish, can I get a pancake please?"

0:02:59.680,0:03:02.392
(Laughter)

0:03:02.392,0:03:04.229
And that was it, just:

0:03:04.229,0:03:07.434
"Oh, OK, you're a girl. [br]How 'bout that pancake?"

0:03:07.434,0:03:08.555
(Laughter)

0:03:08.555,0:03:13.042
It was the easiest hard conversation [br]I have ever had.

0:03:13.427,0:03:14.595
And why?

0:03:14.595,0:03:16.029
Because Pancake Girl and I,

0:03:16.029,0:03:18.005
we were both real with each other.

0:03:19.154,0:03:20.995
So, like many of us,

0:03:20.995,0:03:22.836
I've lived in a few closets in my life,

0:03:22.836,0:03:25.691
and yeah, most often, [br]my walls happen to be rainbow.

0:03:26.079,0:03:27.708
But inside, in the dark,

0:03:28.075,0:03:30.210
you can't tell what color the walls are.

0:03:30.210,0:03:31.712
You just know what it feels like

0:03:31.712,0:03:33.243
to live in a closet.

0:03:33.714,0:03:36.726
So really, my closet [br]is no different than yours,

0:03:37.184,0:03:38.407
or yours,

0:03:38.860,0:03:40.074
or yours.

0:03:40.522,0:03:42.227
Sure, I can give you 100 reasons

0:03:42.227,0:03:43.134
why coming out of my closet

0:03:43.134,0:03:44.427
was harder than coming out of yours,

0:03:44.427,0:03:45.307
but here's the thing,

0:03:45.307,0:03:46.340
hard is not relative,

0:03:46.340,0:03:48.047
hard is hard.

0:03:48.765,0:03:49.577
Who can tell me

0:03:49.577,0:03:51.222
that explaining to someone

0:03:51.222,0:03:52.522
you've just declared bankrupcy

0:03:52.522,0:03:53.567
is harder than telling someone

0:03:53.567,0:03:54.729
when you just cheated on them.

0:03:54.729,0:03:55.637
Who can tell me

0:03:55.793,0:03:57.312
that his coming out story

0:03:57.312,0:03:59.006
is harder than telling your 5-year old

0:03:59.006,0:04:00.174
you're getting a divorce.

0:04:00.174,0:04:01.275
There is no "harder",

0:04:01.275,0:04:03.229
there is just "hard."

0:04:03.788,0:04:05.846
We need to stop ranking our "hard"

0:04:05.846,0:04:07.114
against everybody else's "hard"

0:04:07.114,0:04:09.116
to make us feel better [br]or worse about our closet

0:04:09.116,0:04:10.584
and just commiserate on the fact

0:04:10.584,0:04:12.827
that we all have "hard."

0:04:13.587,0:04:15.166
At some point in our lives,

0:04:15.166,0:04:16.884
we all live in closets,

0:04:16.884,0:04:18.294
and they may feel safe.

0:04:18.592,0:04:20.561
Or at least, safer than what lies

0:04:20.561,0:04:21.879
on the other side of that door.

0:04:22.062,0:04:23.248
But I'm here to tell you,

0:04:23.764,0:04:25.602
no matter what your walls are made of,

0:04:25.766,0:04:29.144
a closet is no place [br]for a person to live.

0:04:29.907,0:04:30.737
(Cheers)[br](Applause)

0:04:30.737,0:04:32.039
Thanks.

0:04:34.009,0:04:36.310
So why is coming out of any closet,

0:04:36.310,0:04:37.711
why is having that conversation,

0:04:37.711,0:04:39.271
why is it so hard?

0:04:40.113,0:04:41.604
Because they're stressful.

0:04:42.287,0:04:43.817
We're so concerned about the reaction

0:04:43.817,0:04:45.646
of the other person, and understandably.

0:04:46.353,0:04:47.634
Will they be angry?

0:04:47.634,0:04:48.313
Sad?

0:04:48.313,0:04:49.217
Disappointed?

0:04:49.857,0:04:50.848
Will we loose a friend?

0:04:50.848,0:04:51.507
A parent?

0:04:51.507,0:04:52.326
A lover?

0:04:52.326,0:04:53.835
These conversations cause stress.

0:04:54.628,0:04:56.440
So let's kick out [br]on stress for a minute.

0:04:56.930,0:04:59.469
Stress is a natural reaction[br]in your body.

0:05:00.033,0:05:01.902
When you encounter a perceived threat,

0:05:01.902,0:05:02.946
-- keyword, "perceived" --

0:05:03.237,0:05:05.572
your hypothalamus sounds the alarm,

0:05:05.572,0:05:06.940
and adrenaline and cortisol

0:05:06.940,0:05:08.897
start coursing through your veins.

0:05:08.897,0:05:10.210
This is known as

0:05:10.210,0:05:12.646
Fight or Flight.

0:05:12.646,0:05:14.014
Sometimes you rumble,

0:05:14.014,0:05:15.148
sometimes you run.

0:05:15.148,0:05:17.450
And this is a totally normal reaction.

0:05:17.450,0:05:19.189
And, comes from a time

0:05:19.189,0:05:22.131
when that threat was [br]being chased by a wooly mammoth.

0:05:22.947,0:05:24.157
The problem is

0:05:24.157,0:05:25.894
your hypothalamus has no idea

0:05:25.894,0:05:27.895
if you're being chased [br]by a wooly mammoth,

0:05:27.895,0:05:29.463
or if your computer just crashed,

0:05:29.463,0:05:31.164
or if your in-laws just showed up [br]on your doorsteps,

0:05:31.164,0:05:32.566
or if you're about [br]to jump out of a plane,

0:05:32.566,0:05:34.001
or if you need to tell someone you love

0:05:34.001,0:05:35.501
that you have a brain tumor.

0:05:36.273,0:05:37.265
The difference is

0:05:37.838,0:05:39.657
the wooly mammoth [br]chases you for, what,

0:05:39.657,0:05:40.969
maybe 10 minutes.

0:05:40.969,0:05:42.709
Not having those hard conversations,

0:05:42.709,0:05:44.145
that can go on for years,

0:05:44.145,0:05:48.077
and your body just can't handle that.

0:05:48.077,0:05:50.717
Chronic exposure to adrenaline and cortisol

0:05:50.717,0:05:53.461
disrupts almost every system in your body

0:05:53.461,0:05:55.104
and can lead to anxiety,

0:05:55.104,0:05:56.622
depression, heart disease,

0:05:56.622,0:05:57.965
just to name a few.

0:05:57.965,0:05:59.936
When you do not have hard conversations,

0:06:01.032,0:06:03.072
when you keep the truth about yourself a secret,

0:06:03.072,0:06:05.844
you're essentially holding a grenade.

0:06:06.715,0:06:08.667
So, imagine yourself

0:06:09.393,0:06:10.288
20 years ago.

0:06:11.004,0:06:11.739
Me,

0:06:12.822,0:06:14.537
I had a pony tail,

0:06:14.607,0:06:15.979
a strapless dress,

0:06:15.979,0:06:17.458
and high heel shoes.

0:06:17.458,0:06:19.509
I was not the militant lesbian

0:06:19.509,0:06:22.351
ready to fight any 4-year old [br]that walked into the café.

0:06:22.351,0:06:23.984
(Laughter)

0:06:23.984,0:06:25.462
I was frozen by fear,

0:06:25.894,0:06:27.076
curled up in a corner

0:06:27.076,0:06:29.262
of my pitch-black closet,

0:06:29.262,0:06:31.199
clutching my gay grenade.

0:06:31.658,0:06:33.499
And moving one muscle

0:06:33.499,0:06:35.162
is the scariest thing

0:06:35.162,0:06:36.984
I have ever done.

0:06:37.965,0:06:38.966
My family,

0:06:38.966,0:06:39.571
my friends,

0:06:39.571,0:06:40.233
complete strangers,

0:06:40.233,0:06:41.602
I had spent my entire life

0:06:41.602,0:06:42.903
trying to not disappoint these people.

0:06:42.903,0:06:46.058
And now, I was turning [br]the world upside down.

0:06:46.406,0:06:47.654
On purpose.

0:06:48.535,0:06:50.298
I was burning the pages of the script

0:06:50.298,0:06:52.446
we had all followed for so long,

0:06:52.446,0:06:53.898
but if you do not throw that grenade,

0:06:53.898,0:06:55.444
it will kill you.

0:06:56.483,0:06:58.318
One of my most memorable grenade-tosses

0:06:58.318,0:06:59.773
was at my sister's wedding.

0:06:59.773,0:07:03.036
(Laughter)

0:07:03.036,0:07:04.858
It was the first time [br]that many on attendance

0:07:04.858,0:07:06.297
knew that I was gay.

0:07:06.297,0:07:07.694
So in doing my Maid of Honor duties,

0:07:07.694,0:07:10.041
in my black dress and heels,

0:07:10.691,0:07:11.832
I walked around the tables,

0:07:11.832,0:07:14.308
and finally landed at the table [br]of my parents' friends,

0:07:14.308,0:07:15.976
folks that had known me for years.

0:07:16.903,0:07:18.813
And after a little small talk,

0:07:18.813,0:07:20.307
one of the women shouted out:

0:07:20.307,0:07:21.775
"I love Nathan Lane!"

0:07:23.178,0:07:25.045
And the battle of gay relatebility

0:07:25.045,0:07:26.146
had begun.

0:07:26.146,0:07:27.848
"Ash, have you ever been to the Castro?"

0:07:27.848,0:07:30.350
"Well, yeah, actually, [br]we have friends in San Francisco."

0:07:30.350,0:07:31.318
"We've never been there,

0:07:31.318,0:07:33.046
but we hear it's 'fa-bu-lous'!!"

0:07:33.046,0:07:34.821
"Ash, do you know my hairdresser Antonio,

0:07:34.821,0:07:38.091
he's really good, and [br]he's never talked about a girlfriend."

0:07:38.091,0:07:39.664
"Ash, what's your favorite TV show?

0:07:39.664,0:07:41.828
Our favorite TV show: [br]favorite, Will and Grace,

0:07:41.828,0:07:43.472
you know who we love? Jack.

0:07:43.472,0:07:44.798
Jack is our favorite."

0:07:44.798,0:07:46.723
And then one woman,

0:07:46.723,0:07:48.068
stumped,

0:07:48.068,0:07:50.303
but wanting so desperately[br]to show her support,

0:07:50.303,0:07:52.673
to let me know she was on my side,

0:07:52.673,0:07:54.041
she finally blurted out:

0:07:54.041,0:07:57.711
"Well, sometimes my husband [br]wears pink shirts."

0:07:57.711,0:08:00.584
(Laughter)

0:08:00.584,0:08:02.149
And I had a choice in that moment,

0:08:02.149,0:08:04.083
as all grenade-throwers do.

0:08:04.651,0:08:06.219
I could go back to my girlfriend,

0:08:06.219,0:08:07.644
and my gay-loving table,

0:08:07.644,0:08:09.550
and mock their responses.

0:08:10.090,0:08:11.638
Chastise their unworldliness,

0:08:11.638,0:08:12.893
and their inability to jump through

0:08:12.893,0:08:14.294
the politically-correct gay hoops

0:08:14.294,0:08:15.429
I had brought with me,

0:08:15.429,0:08:16.245
or,

0:08:16.563,0:08:18.070
I could empatize with them,

0:08:18.070,0:08:19.466
and realize that that was maybe

0:08:19.466,0:08:21.276
one of the hardest things [br]that they had ever done.

0:08:21.802,0:08:23.001
That starting,

0:08:23.336,0:08:24.933
and having that conversation,

0:08:25.439,0:08:27.607
was them coming out of their closets.

0:08:27.607,0:08:28.975
Sure, it would have been easy

0:08:28.975,0:08:30.562
to point out where they fell short.

0:08:30.562,0:08:31.711
It's a lot harder

0:08:31.711,0:08:33.113
to meet them where they are,

0:08:33.113,0:08:34.247
and acknowledge the fact that

0:08:34.247,0:08:35.182
they were trying,

0:08:35.182,0:08:37.783
and what else can you ask someone to do,

0:08:37.783,0:08:39.260
but try.

0:08:40.454,0:08:42.235
If you're going to be real with someone,

0:08:42.235,0:08:43.543
you've got to be ready

0:08:43.543,0:08:45.191
for real in return.

0:08:46.093,0:08:48.862
So, hard conversations [br]are still not my strong suit.

0:08:48.862,0:08:50.768
Ask anybody I've ever dated.

0:08:51.264,0:08:52.555
But I'm getting better.

0:08:53.039,0:08:54.361
And I follow what I like to call

0:08:54.735,0:08:56.303
'The Three Pancake Girl Principles."

0:08:56.303,0:08:57.285
Now, please,

0:08:58.038,0:08:59.889
view this through gay-colored lenses,

0:08:59.889,0:09:00.907
but know,

0:09:00.907,0:09:02.843
what it takes to come out of any closet,

0:09:02.843,0:09:04.462
is essentially the same.

0:09:05.253,0:09:06.086
Number One:

0:09:06.613,0:09:07.848
Be Authentic,

0:09:07.848,0:09:09.245
take the armor off, be yourself.

0:09:09.245,0:09:10.283
That kid in the café

0:09:10.283,0:09:11.351
had no armor,

0:09:11.351,0:09:12.830
but I was ready for battle.

0:09:13.320,0:09:14.958
Stupid hypothalamus.

0:09:15.922,0:09:18.158
If you want someone to be real with you,

0:09:18.158,0:09:20.753
they need to know that you bleed too.

0:09:21.027,0:09:21.962
Number Two:

0:09:21.962,0:09:22.696
Be Direct,

0:09:22.696,0:09:24.064
You say it, rip the bandaid off.

0:09:24.064,0:09:25.232
If you know you are gay,

0:09:25.232,0:09:26.473
just say it.

0:09:27.167,0:09:28.502
If you tell your parents [br]you might be gay,

0:09:28.502,0:09:30.066
they will hold that hope [br]that this will change.

0:09:30.066,0:09:30.937
Do not give them

0:09:30.937,0:09:32.883
that sense of false hope.

0:09:32.883,0:09:34.829
(Laughter)

0:09:34.829,0:09:36.449
And Number Three,

0:09:36.449,0:09:37.923
and most important:

0:09:37.923,0:09:42.249
(Laughter)

0:09:42.249,0:09:44.174
Be Unapologetic.

0:09:46.052,0:09:47.628
You are speaking your truth.

0:09:47.988,0:09:50.896
Never apologize for that.

0:09:51.825,0:09:54.038
And some folks might [br]have gotten hurt along the way.

0:09:54.038,0:09:55.095
So sure.

0:09:55.095,0:09:56.997
Apologize for what you've done.

0:09:56.997,0:10:00.267
But never apologize for who you are.

0:10:00.867,0:10:02.762
And yeah, some folks[br]may be disappointed.

0:10:03.136,0:10:04.393
But that is on them.

0:10:04.771,0:10:05.791
Not on you.

0:10:06.182,0:10:07.941
Those are their expectations [br]of who you are,

0:10:07.941,0:10:08.675
not yours.

0:10:08.675,0:10:10.377
That is their story.

0:10:10.377,0:10:12.169
Not yours.

0:10:13.213,0:10:14.681
The only story that matters

0:10:14.681,0:10:16.631
is the one that you want to write.

0:10:16.631,0:10:19.186
So the next time you find yourself

0:10:19.186,0:10:20.520
in a pitchblack closet

0:10:20.520,0:10:21.521
clutching your grenade,

0:10:21.521,0:10:24.224
know that we've all been there before.

0:10:24.224,0:10:26.383
And you may feel so very alone,

0:10:26.383,0:10:27.350
but you are not.

0:10:28.032,0:10:29.429
And we know it's hard,

0:10:29.429,0:10:31.252
but we need you out here,

0:10:31.840,0:10:34.100
no matter what your walls are made of.

0:10:34.100,0:10:35.635
Because I guarantee you

0:10:35.635,0:10:37.111
there are others [br]peering through the keyhole

0:10:37.111,0:10:38.179
of their closet

0:10:38.179,0:10:39.410
looking for the next brave soul

0:10:39.410,0:10:40.478
to bust a door open

0:10:40.478,0:10:41.808
so BE that person,

0:10:42.776,0:10:44.871
and show the world that [br]we are bigger than our closets,

0:10:45.312,0:10:47.351
and that a closet is no place

0:10:47.351,0:10:50.297
for a person to truly live.

0:10:50.684,0:10:52.552
Thank you Boulder, enjoy your night.

0:10:52.552,0:10:56.552
(Cheers)[br](Applause)