WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.520 Had situations in my lab where I had underperforming 00:00:02.800 --> 00:00:07.980 Graduate students and one of the things that was really awful about that was that it was [really] hard on the high 00:00:08.138 --> 00:00:09.420 performing graduate students 00:00:09.420 --> 00:00:15.809 You [know] because they felt that even being in the same category as the people who weren't working hard and pulling their weight 00:00:16.480 --> 00:00:21.720 Devalued what they were doing you [know] and that's exactly right, and so this is also. Why there's there's a 00:00:22.449 --> 00:00:29.309 Conscientiousness trait and an agreeableness trait because conscientious people judge you on your accomplishments, right? 00:00:29.310 --> 00:00:31.890 They don't give a damn about your feelings not a bit 00:00:31.890 --> 00:00:35.759 It's like are you doing the work or not [whereas] agreeable people think well? 00:00:35.760 --> 00:00:37.290 You know your mother is sick 00:00:37.290 --> 00:00:42.419 And you know you you've got a bunch of family problems and and we all have to take care of each other 00:00:42.420 --> 00:00:46.440 And it's no wonder that you're having a rough time and like you can't say that one of those 00:00:46.600 --> 00:00:51.570 Attitudes is correct and the other isn't correct you can't say that there wouldn't be those two dimensions 00:00:51.610 --> 00:00:54.179 If there wasn't something correct about both of them 00:00:54.190 --> 00:00:57.059 But you can certainly point out that often they conflict 00:00:57.399 --> 00:01:02.579 you know and so the demand for for inclusiveness and unity and care and the demand for 00:01:02.800 --> 00:01:08.879 [High-level] performance in a hierarchical structure [they're] very different orientations in the world and so 00:01:09.430 --> 00:01:13.139 it's complicated for people who are agreeable and conscientious and 00:01:13.960 --> 00:01:21.750 actually, I think often that large corporations [and] large large institutions of any sort run on the 00:01:22.000 --> 00:01:26.430 Unheralded labor of people who are high in agreeable lifts and high in conscientiousness 00:01:26.430 --> 00:01:32.970 And they're disproportionately women in my experience in large institutions has been that if you want to hire someone to exploit 00:01:34.240 --> 00:01:38.640 Appropriately no not appropriately if you want to hire someone to exploit productively 00:01:39.040 --> 00:01:41.819 You hire middle-aged women who are hyper conscientious? 00:01:41.820 --> 00:01:45.809 And who are agreeable because they'll do everything they won't take credit for it 00:01:45.810 --> 00:01:47.380 and they won't complain and 00:01:47.380 --> 00:01:48.100 that's 00:01:48.100 --> 00:01:53.100 Nasty and I think that happens all the time and so one of the things you have to be careful of if you're agreeable [is] 00:01:53.350 --> 00:01:56.939 Not to be exploited because you'll line up to be exploited 00:01:56.939 --> 00:02:01.319 and I think the reason for that is [because] you're wired to be exploited by infants and 00:02:02.500 --> 00:02:08.279 So that just doesn't work so well in that actual world and one of the things one of the things that happens very often in 00:02:08.288 --> 00:02:11.098 Psychotherapy, you know people come to psychotherapy for multiple reasons 00:02:11.530 --> 00:02:17.729 But one of them is they often come because to agreeable and so what they get is so-called assertiveness training although 00:02:17.730 --> 00:02:23.730 it's not exactly assertiveness that's being trained what it is is the ability to learn how to negotiate on your own behalf and 00:02:23.830 --> 00:02:27.389 One of the things I tell agreeable people especially if their conscientious is 00:02:28.870 --> 00:02:34.799 Say what you think tell the truth about what you think there's going to be things you think that you think are nasty and harsh 00:02:34.799 --> 00:02:37.199 And they probably are nasty and harsh 00:02:37.450 --> 00:02:42.750 But they're also probably true and you need to bring those [up] to the forefront and deliver the message 00:02:42.750 --> 00:02:47.429 And it's not straightforward at all because agreeable people do not like conflict 00:02:47.859 --> 00:02:53.879 not at all they smooth the water you know and you can see you can see why that is in accordance with the 00:02:54.040 --> 00:02:58.950 Hypothesis that I've been putting forward [you] don't want conflict around infants. It's too damn dangerous 00:02:58.950 --> 00:03:02.039 You don't want fights to break out you don't want anything to 00:03:02.290 --> 00:03:08.640 Disturb the the relative peace you know and if you're also more prone [to] being hurt physically and perhaps 00:03:08.920 --> 00:03:12.119 emotionally you also may be loath to engage in the kind of 00:03:12.310 --> 00:03:16.799 High-Intensity conflict that will solve problems in the short term because [a] lot of conflict 00:03:16.930 --> 00:03:20.069 it takes a lot of conflict to solve problems in the short term and 00:03:20.349 --> 00:03:26.518 You know if that can spiral up to where it's dangerous which it can if it gets uncontrolled it might be safer in 00:03:26.950 --> 00:03:31.169 The short term [to] keep the waters smooth and to not delve into those situations 00:03:31.239 --> 00:03:35.069 Where conflict emerges the problem with that is it's not a very good medium to long term 00:03:35.290 --> 00:03:39.120 Strategy right because lots lots of times there are things you have to talk about 00:03:39.790 --> 00:03:41.849 because they're not going to go away and 00:03:42.430 --> 00:03:47.879 so partly what you do with agreeable people is you get them to figure out and they have a hard time with this too if 00:03:47.879 --> 00:03:51.959 You ask a disagreeable person. What what he wants say or she wants they'll tell you right away 00:03:51.959 --> 00:03:54.809 They know like this is what I want and this is how I'm going to get it 00:03:54.910 --> 00:04:00.569 But agreeable people especially if they're really agreeable are so agreeable that they often don't even know what they want 00:04:00.699 --> 00:04:07.349 because they're so accustomed to living for other people and to finding out what other people want and to trying to make them comfortable and 00:04:07.349 --> 00:04:10.649 So forth that it's harder for them to find a sense of their own 00:04:11.230 --> 00:04:14.280 Desires as they move [through] life, and that's not 00:04:14.980 --> 00:04:20.488 Look, there's situations where that's Advantageous, but it's certainly not advantageous if you're going to try to 00:04:21.700 --> 00:04:25.499 forge yourself a career that just doesn't work at all so 00:04:27.880 --> 00:04:29.880 All right