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Had situations in my lab where I had underperforming

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Graduate students and one of the things that was really awful about that was that it was [really] hard on the high

3
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performing graduate students

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You [know] because they felt that even being in the same category as the people who weren't working hard and pulling their weight

5
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Devalued what they were doing you [know] and that's exactly right, and so this is also. Why there's there's a

6
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Conscientiousness trait and an agreeableness trait because conscientious people judge you on your accomplishments, right?

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They don't give a damn about your feelings not a bit

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It's like are you doing the work or not [whereas] agreeable people think well?

9
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You know your mother is sick

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And you know you you've got a bunch of family problems and and we all have to take care of each other

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And it's no wonder that you're having a rough time and like you can't say that one of those

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Attitudes is correct and the other isn't correct you can't say that there wouldn't be those two dimensions

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If there wasn't something correct about both of them

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But you can certainly point out that often they conflict

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you know and so the demand for for inclusiveness and unity and care and the demand for

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[High-level] performance in a hierarchical structure [they're] very different orientations in the world and so

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it's complicated for people who are agreeable and conscientious and

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actually, I think often that large corporations [and] large large institutions of any sort run on the

19
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Unheralded labor of people who are high in agreeable lifts and high in conscientiousness

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And they're disproportionately women in my experience in large institutions has been that if you want to hire someone to exploit

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Appropriately no not appropriately if you want to hire someone to exploit productively

22
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You hire middle-aged women who are hyper conscientious?

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And who are agreeable because they'll do everything they won't take credit for it

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and they won't complain and

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that's

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Nasty and I think that happens all the time and so one of the things you have to be careful of if you're agreeable [is]

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Not to be exploited because you'll line up to be exploited

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and I think the reason for that is [because] you're wired to be exploited by infants and

29
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So that just doesn't work so well in that actual world and one of the things one of the things that happens very often in

30
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Psychotherapy, you know people come to psychotherapy for multiple reasons

31
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But one of them is they often come because to agreeable and so what they get is so-called assertiveness training although

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it's not exactly assertiveness that's being trained what it is is the ability to learn how to negotiate on your own behalf and

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One of the things I tell agreeable people especially if their conscientious is

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Say what you think tell the truth about what you think there's going to be things you think that you think are nasty and harsh

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And they probably are nasty and harsh

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But they're also probably true and you need to bring those [up] to the forefront and deliver the message

37
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And it's not straightforward at all because agreeable people do not like conflict

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not at all they smooth the water you know and you can see you can see why that is in accordance with the

39
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Hypothesis that I've been putting forward [you] don't want conflict around infants. It's too damn dangerous

40
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You don't want fights to break out you don't want anything to

41
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Disturb the the relative peace you know and if you're also more prone [to] being hurt physically and perhaps

42
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emotionally you also may be loath to engage in the kind of

43
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High-Intensity conflict that will solve problems in the short term because [a] lot of conflict

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it takes a lot of conflict to solve problems in the short term and

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You know if that can spiral up to where it's dangerous which it can if it gets uncontrolled it might be safer in

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The short term [to] keep the waters smooth and to not delve into those situations

47
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Where conflict emerges the problem with that is it's not a very good medium to long term

48
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Strategy right because lots lots of times there are things you have to talk about

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because they're not going to go away and

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so partly what you do with agreeable people is you get them to figure out and they have a hard time with this too if

51
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You ask a disagreeable person. What what he wants say or she wants they'll tell you right away

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They know like this is what I want and this is how I'm going to get it

53
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But agreeable people especially if they're really agreeable are so agreeable that they often don't even know what they want

54
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because they're so accustomed to living for other people and to finding out what other people want and to trying to make them comfortable and

55
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So forth that it's harder for them to find a sense of their own

56
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Desires as they move [through] life, and that's not

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Look, there's situations where that's Advantageous, but it's certainly not advantageous if you're going to try to

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forge yourself a career that just doesn't work at all so

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All right