0:00:00.000,0:00:02.520
Had situations in my lab where I had underperforming

0:00:02.800,0:00:07.980
Graduate students and one of the things that was really awful about that was that it was [really] hard on the high

0:00:08.138,0:00:09.420
performing graduate students

0:00:09.420,0:00:15.809
You [know] because they felt that even being in the same category as the people who weren't working hard and pulling their weight

0:00:16.480,0:00:21.720
Devalued what they were doing you [know] and that's exactly right, and so this is also. Why there's there's a

0:00:22.449,0:00:29.309
Conscientiousness trait and an agreeableness trait because conscientious people judge you on your accomplishments, right?

0:00:29.310,0:00:31.890
They don't give a damn about your feelings not a bit

0:00:31.890,0:00:35.759
It's like are you doing the work or not [whereas] agreeable people think well?

0:00:35.760,0:00:37.290
You know your mother is sick

0:00:37.290,0:00:42.419
And you know you you've got a bunch of family problems and and we all have to take care of each other

0:00:42.420,0:00:46.440
And it's no wonder that you're having a rough time and like you can't say that one of those

0:00:46.600,0:00:51.570
Attitudes is correct and the other isn't correct you can't say that there wouldn't be those two dimensions

0:00:51.610,0:00:54.179
If there wasn't something correct about both of them

0:00:54.190,0:00:57.059
But you can certainly point out that often they conflict

0:00:57.399,0:01:02.579
you know and so the demand for for inclusiveness and unity and care and the demand for

0:01:02.800,0:01:08.879
[High-level] performance in a hierarchical structure [they're] very different orientations in the world and so

0:01:09.430,0:01:13.139
it's complicated for people who are agreeable and conscientious and

0:01:13.960,0:01:21.750
actually, I think often that large corporations [and] large large institutions of any sort run on the

0:01:22.000,0:01:26.430
Unheralded labor of people who are high in agreeable lifts and high in conscientiousness

0:01:26.430,0:01:32.970
And they're disproportionately women in my experience in large institutions has been that if you want to hire someone to exploit

0:01:34.240,0:01:38.640
Appropriately no not appropriately if you want to hire someone to exploit productively

0:01:39.040,0:01:41.819
You hire middle-aged women who are hyper conscientious?

0:01:41.820,0:01:45.809
And who are agreeable because they'll do everything they won't take credit for it

0:01:45.810,0:01:47.380
and they won't complain and

0:01:47.380,0:01:48.100
that's

0:01:48.100,0:01:53.100
Nasty and I think that happens all the time and so one of the things you have to be careful of if you're agreeable [is]

0:01:53.350,0:01:56.939
Not to be exploited because you'll line up to be exploited

0:01:56.939,0:02:01.319
and I think the reason for that is [because] you're wired to be exploited by infants and

0:02:02.500,0:02:08.279
So that just doesn't work so well in that actual world and one of the things one of the things that happens very often in

0:02:08.288,0:02:11.098
Psychotherapy, you know people come to psychotherapy for multiple reasons

0:02:11.530,0:02:17.729
But one of them is they often come because to agreeable and so what they get is so-called assertiveness training although

0:02:17.730,0:02:23.730
it's not exactly assertiveness that's being trained what it is is the ability to learn how to negotiate on your own behalf and

0:02:23.830,0:02:27.389
One of the things I tell agreeable people especially if their conscientious is

0:02:28.870,0:02:34.799
Say what you think tell the truth about what you think there's going to be things you think that you think are nasty and harsh

0:02:34.799,0:02:37.199
And they probably are nasty and harsh

0:02:37.450,0:02:42.750
But they're also probably true and you need to bring those [up] to the forefront and deliver the message

0:02:42.750,0:02:47.429
And it's not straightforward at all because agreeable people do not like conflict

0:02:47.859,0:02:53.879
not at all they smooth the water you know and you can see you can see why that is in accordance with the

0:02:54.040,0:02:58.950
Hypothesis that I've been putting forward [you] don't want conflict around infants. It's too damn dangerous

0:02:58.950,0:03:02.039
You don't want fights to break out you don't want anything to

0:03:02.290,0:03:08.640
Disturb the the relative peace you know and if you're also more prone [to] being hurt physically and perhaps

0:03:08.920,0:03:12.119
emotionally you also may be loath to engage in the kind of

0:03:12.310,0:03:16.799
High-Intensity conflict that will solve problems in the short term because [a] lot of conflict

0:03:16.930,0:03:20.069
it takes a lot of conflict to solve problems in the short term and

0:03:20.349,0:03:26.518
You know if that can spiral up to where it's dangerous which it can if it gets uncontrolled it might be safer in

0:03:26.950,0:03:31.169
The short term [to] keep the waters smooth and to not delve into those situations

0:03:31.239,0:03:35.069
Where conflict emerges the problem with that is it's not a very good medium to long term

0:03:35.290,0:03:39.120
Strategy right because lots lots of times there are things you have to talk about

0:03:39.790,0:03:41.849
because they're not going to go away and

0:03:42.430,0:03:47.879
so partly what you do with agreeable people is you get them to figure out and they have a hard time with this too if

0:03:47.879,0:03:51.959
You ask a disagreeable person. What what he wants say or she wants they'll tell you right away

0:03:51.959,0:03:54.809
They know like this is what I want and this is how I'm going to get it

0:03:54.910,0:04:00.569
But agreeable people especially if they're really agreeable are so agreeable that they often don't even know what they want

0:04:00.699,0:04:07.349
because they're so accustomed to living for other people and to finding out what other people want and to trying to make them comfortable and

0:04:07.349,0:04:10.649
So forth that it's harder for them to find a sense of their own

0:04:11.230,0:04:14.280
Desires as they move [through] life, and that's not

0:04:14.980,0:04:20.488
Look, there's situations where that's Advantageous, but it's certainly not advantageous if you're going to try to

0:04:21.700,0:04:25.499
forge yourself a career that just doesn't work at all so

0:04:27.880,0:04:29.880
All right