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So I would like to start by telling you
about one of my greatest friends,

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Okoloma Maduewesi.

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Okoloma lived on my street

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and looked after me like a big brother.

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If I liked a boy,
I would ask Okoloma's opinion.

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Okoloma died in the notorious
Sosoliso plane crash

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in Nigeria in December of 2005.

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Almost exactly seven years ago.

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Okoloma was a person I could argue with,
laugh with and truly talk to.

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He was also the first person
to call me a feminist.

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I was about fourteen,
we were at his house, arguing.

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Both of us bristling
with half bit knowledge

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from books that we had read.

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I don't remember what this
particular argument was about,

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but I remember
that as I argued and argued,

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Okoloma looked at me and said,
"You know, you're a feminist."

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It was not a compliment.

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(Laughter)

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I could tell from his tone,

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the same tone that you would use
to say something like,

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"You're a supporter of terrorism."

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(Laughter)

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I did not know exactly
what this word "feminist" meant,

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and I did not want Okoloma
to know that I did not know.

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So I brushed it aside,
and I continued to argue.

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And the first thing
I planned to do when I got home

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was to look up the word
"feminist" in the dictionary.

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Now fast forward to some years later,

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I wrote a novel about a man
who among other things beats his wife

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and whose story doesn't end very well.

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While I was promoting
the novel in Nigeria,

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a journalist, a nice, well-meaning man,

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told me he wanted to advise me.

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And for the Nigerians here,

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I'm sure we're all familiar

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with how quick our people are
to give unsolicited advice.

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He told me that people were saying
that my novel was feminist

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and his advice to me --

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and he was shaking his head
sadly as he spoke --

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was that I should never
call myself a feminist

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because feminists
are women who are unhappy

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because they cannot find husbands.

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(Laughter)

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So I decided to call myself
"a happy feminist."

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Then an academic, a Nigerian woman told me

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that feminism was not our culture

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and that feminism wasn't African,

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and that I was calling myself a feminist

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because I had been corrupted
by "Western books."

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Which amused me,

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because a lot of my early readings
were decidedly unfeminist.

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I think I must have read every single
Mills & Boon romance published

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before I was sixteen.

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And each time I tried to read those books

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called "the feminist classics,"

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I'd get bored, and I really
struggled to finish them.

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But anyway, since feminism was un-African,

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I decided that I would now call myself
"a happy African feminist."

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At some point I was a happy African
feminist who does not hate men

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and who likes lip gloss

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and who wears high heels
for herself but not for men.

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(Laughter)

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Of course a lot of this
was tongue-in-cheek,

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but that word feminist is so heavy
with baggage, negative baggage.

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You hate men, you hate bras,

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you hate African culture,
that sort of thing.

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Now here's a story from my childhood.

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When I was in primary school,

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my teacher said at the beginning of term
that she would give the class a test

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and whoever got the highest score
would be the class monitor.

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Now, class monitor was a big deal.

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If you were a class monitor,

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you got to write down
the names of noisemakers --

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(Laughter)

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which was having enough power of its own.

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But my teacher would also give you
a cane to hold in your hand

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while you walk around
and patrol the class for noisemakers.

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Now, of course you were not
actually allowed to use the cane.

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But it was an exciting prospect
for the nine-year-old me.

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I very much wanted
to be the class monitor.

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And I got the highest score on the test.

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Then, to my surprise, my teacher said
that the monitor had to be a boy.

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She had forgotten
to make that clear earlier

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because she assumed it was ... obvious.

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(Laughter)

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A boy had the second highest
score on the test,

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and he would be monitor.

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Now, what was even more
interesting about this

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is that the boy was a sweet, gentle soul

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who had no interest
in patrolling the class with the cane,

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while I was full of ambition to do so.

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But I was female and he was male,

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and so he became the class monitor.

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And I've never forgotten that incident.

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I often make the mistake of thinking

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that something that is obvious to me
is just as obvious to everyone else.

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Now, take my dear friend Louis

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for example.

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Louis is a brilliant, progressive man,

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and we would have conversations
and he would tell me,

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"I don't know what you mean by things
being different or harder for women.

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Maybe in the past, but not now."

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And I didn't understand how Louis
could not see what seems so self-evident.

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Then one evening, in Lagos,
Louis and I went out with friends.

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And for people here
who are not familiar with Lagos,

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there's that wonderful Lagos' fixture,

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the sprinkling of energetic men
who hang around outside establishments

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and very dramatically
"help" you park your car.

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I was impressed
with the particular theatrics

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of the man who found us
a parking spot that evening.

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And so as we were leaving,
I decided to leave him a tip.

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I opened my bag,

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put my hand inside my bag,

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brought out my money
that I had earned from doing my work,

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and I gave it to the man.

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And he, this man who was
very grateful and very happy,

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took the money from me,

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looked across at Louis

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and said, "Thank you, sir!"

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(Laughter)

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Louis looked at me, surprised,

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and asked, "Why is he thanking me?
I didn't give him the money."

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Then I saw realization
dawn on Louis' face.

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The man believed that whatever money I had

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had ultimately come from Louis.

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Because Louis is a man.

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Men and women are different.

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We have different hormones,
we have different sexual organs,

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we have different biological abilities.

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Women can have babies, men can't.

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At least not yet.

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(Laughter)

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Men have testosterone and are
in general physically stronger than women.

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There's slightly more women
than men in the world,

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about 52 percent of the world's
population is female.

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But most of the positions of power
and prestige are occupied by men.

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The late Kenyan Nobel Peace laureate,

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Wangari Maathai,

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put it simply and well when she said:

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"The higher you go,
the fewer women there are."

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In the recent US elections we kept hearing
of the Lilly Ledbetter law,

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and if we go beyond the nicely
alliterative name of that law,

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it was really about a man and a woman

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doing the same job,
being equally qualified,

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and the man being paid more
because he's a man.

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So in the literal way, men rule the world,

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and this made sense a thousand years ago

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because human beings lived then in a world

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in which physical strength was
the most important attribute for survival.

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The physically stronger person
was more likely to lead,

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and men, in general,
are physically stronger.

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Of course there are many exceptions.

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(Laughter)

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But today we live
in a vastly different world.

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The person more likely to lead
is not the physically stronger person;

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it is the more creative person,
the more intelligent person,

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the more innovative person,

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and there are no hormones
for those attributes.

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A man is as likely as a woman
to be intelligent,

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to be creative, to be innovative.

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We have evolved;

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but it seems to me that our ideas
of gender had not evolved.

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Some weeks ago, I walked into a lobby
of one of the best Nigerian hotels.

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I thought about naming the hotel,
but I thought I probably shouldn't.

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And a guard at the entrance stopped me
and asked me annoying questions,

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because their automatic assumption is

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that a Nigerian female walking
into a hotel alone is a sex worker.

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And by the way,

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why do these hotels
focus on the ostensible supply

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rather than the demand for sex workers?

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In Lagos I cannot go alone
into many "reputable" bars and clubs.

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They just don't let you in
if you're a woman alone,

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you have to be accompanied by a man.

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Each time I walk into
a Nigerian restaurant with a man,

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the waiter greets the man and ignores me.

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The waiters are products --

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(Laughter)

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At this some women
felt like, "Yes! I thought that!"

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The waiters are products of a society

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that has taught them that men
are more important than women.

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And I know that waiters
don't intend any harm.

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But it's one thing to know intellectually
and quite another to feel it emotionally.

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Each time they ignore me,
I feel invisible.

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I feel upset.

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I want to tell them
that I am just as human as the man,

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that I'm just as worthy of acknowledgment.

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These are little things,

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but sometimes it's the little things
that sting the most.

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And not long ago, I wrote an article

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about what it means
to be young and female in Lagos,

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and the printers told me,

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"It was so angry."

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Of course it was angry!

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(Laughter)

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I am angry.

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Gender as it functions today
is a grave injustice.

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We should all be angry.

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Anger has a long history
of bringing about positive change;

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but, in addition to being angry,
I'm also hopeful.

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Because I believe deeply
in the ability of human beings

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to make and remake
themselves for the better.

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Gender matters everywhere in the world,

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but I want to focus on Nigeria

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00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:02,976
and on Africa in general,

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because it is where I know,
and because it is where my heart is.

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And I would like today to ask

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that we begin to dream about
and plan for a different world,

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a fairer world,

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00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:20,416
a world of happier men and happier women
who are truer to themselves.

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And this is how to start:

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we must raise our daughters differently.

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00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:26,840
We must also raise our sons differently.

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00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:31,656
We do a great disservice to boys
on how we raise them;

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00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:33,520
we stifle the humanity of boys.

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00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:37,056
We define masculinity
in a very narrow way,

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00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:40,576
masculinity becomes this hard, small cage

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00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:42,896
and we put boys inside the cage.

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00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:44,840
We teach boys to be afraid of fear.

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00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:49,240
We teach boys to be afraid
of weakness, of vulnerability.

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00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:52,656
We teach them to mask their true selves,

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because they have to be,
in Nigerian speak, "hard man!"

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In secondary school, a boy and a girl,
both of them teenagers,

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00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:06,096
both of them with the same amount
of pocket money, would go out

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00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:08,896
and then the boy
would be expected always to pay,

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to prove his masculinity.

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00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:15,240
And yet we wonder why boys are more likely
to steal money from their parents.

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00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:20,736
What if both boys and girls were raised

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00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:22,880
not to link masculinity with money?

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00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:26,736
What if the attitude
was not "the boy has to pay"

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but rather "whoever has more should pay?"

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00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:32,936
Now, of course because
of that historical advantage,

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it is mostly men who will have more today,

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00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:38,056
but if we start
raising children differently,

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then in fifty years, in a hundred years,

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boys will no longer have the pressure
of having to prove this masculinity.

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00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:48,696
But by far the worst thing we do to males,

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by making them feel
that they have to be hard,

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is that we leave them
with very fragile egos.

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00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:58,520
The more "hard man"
the man feels compelled to be,

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00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:00,920
the weaker his ego is.

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00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:05,976
And then we do a much greater
disservice to girls

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00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:09,320
because we raise them
to cater to the fragile egos of men.

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00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:13,696
We teach girls to shrink themselves,
to make themselves smaller,

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00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:14,920
we say to girls,

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00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,816
"You can have ambition, but not too much."

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00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:19,216
(Laughter)

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00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:21,936
"You should aim to be successful,
but not too successful,

248
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:24,000
otherwise you would threaten the man."

249
00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:27,616
If you are the breadwinner
in your relationship with a man,

250
00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:29,616
you have to pretend that you're not,

251
00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:31,296
especially in public,

252
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:33,360
otherwise you will emasculate him.

253
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:37,056
But what if we question
the premise itself?

254
00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:40,400
Why should a woman's success
be a threat to a man?

255
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:44,736
What if we decide
to simply dispose of that word,

256
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:49,480
and I don't think there's an English word
I dislike more than "emasculation."

257
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,016
A Nigerian acquaintance once asked me

258
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:55,680
if I was worried that men
would be intimidated by me.

259
00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:58,296
I was not worried at all.

260
00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:00,576
In fact, it had not occurred
to me to be worried

261
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:02,816
because a man who would
be intimidated by me

262
00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:05,456
is exactly the kind of man
I would have no interest in.

263
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:06,696
(Laughter)

264
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:08,800
(Applause)

265
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:16,960
But still I was really struck by this.

266
00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:21,240
Because I'm female,
I'm expected to aspire to marriage;

267
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,736
I'm expected to make my life choices

268
00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:26,840
always keeping in mind
that marriage is the most important.

269
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,016
A marriage can be a good thing;

270
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:34,456
it can be a source of joy
and love and mutual support.

271
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,936
But why do we teach girls
to aspire to marriage

272
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:38,680
and we don't teach boys the same?

273
00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:43,016
I know a woman
who decided to sell her house

274
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:46,080
because she didn't want
to intimidate a man who might marry her.

275
00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:52,336
I know an unmarried woman in Nigeria
who, when she goes to conferences,

276
00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:53,736
wears a wedding ring

277
00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:54,976
because according to her,

278
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:58,920
she wants the other participants
in the conference to "give her respect."

279
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:02,456
I know young women
who are under so much pressure

280
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:06,576
from family, from friends,
even from work to get married,

281
00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:08,680
and they're pushed
to make terrible choices.

282
00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:12,136
A woman at a certain age who is unmarried,

283
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:16,280
our society teaches her
to see it as a deep, personal failure.

284
00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:19,816
And a man at a certain age
who is unmarried,

285
00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:22,456
we just think he hasn't come around
to making his pick.

286
00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:24,336
(Laughter)

287
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:25,976
It's easy for us to say,

288
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:28,256
"Oh, but women can
just say no to all of this."

289
00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:30,720
But the reality is more difficult
and more complex.

290
00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:33,136
We're all social beings.

291
00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:35,656
We internalize ideas
from our socialization.

292
00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:37,656
Even the language we use

293
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:41,096
in talking about marriage
and relationships illustrates this.

294
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:43,976
The language of marriage
is often the language of ownership

295
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:46,160
rather than the language of partnership.

296
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:49,496
We use the word "respect"

297
00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:52,296
to mean something a woman shows a man

298
00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:54,400
but often not something
a man shows a woman.

299
00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:58,616
Both men and women in Nigeria will say --

300
00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:00,936
this is an expression
I'm very amused by --

301
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,280
"I did it for peace in my marriage."

302
00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:05,976
Now, when men say it,

303
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:09,176
it is usually about something
that they should not be doing anyway.

304
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,136
(Laughter)

305
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,936
Sometimes they say it to their friends,

306
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:17,896
it's something to say to their friends
in a kind of fondly exasperated way,

307
00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:21,056
you know, something that ultimately
proves how masculine they are,

308
00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:22,536
how needed, how loved.

309
00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:25,056
"Oh, my wife said
I can't go to the club every night,

310
00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:27,896
so for peace in my marriage,
I do it only on weekends."

311
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:29,616
(Laughter)

312
00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:33,896
Now, when a woman says,
"I did it for peace in my marriage,"

313
00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:37,456
she's usually talking
about giving up a job,

314
00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:38,936
a dream,

315
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:40,320
a career.

316
00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:43,496
We teach females that in relationships,

317
00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:45,800
compromise is what women do.

318
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,656
We raise girls to see
each other as competitors --

319
00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:53,136
not for jobs or for accomplishments,
which I think can be a good thing,

320
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:54,760
but for attention of men.

321
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:58,856
We teach girls that they
cannot be sexual beings

322
00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:00,376
in the way that boys are.

323
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:03,720
If we have sons, we don't mind
knowing about our sons' girlfriends.

324
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,816
But our daughters' boyfriends? God forbid.

325
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:08,456
(Laughter)

326
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:10,296
But of course when the time is right,

327
00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:14,216
we expect those girls to bring back
the perfect man to be their husbands.

328
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:17,616
We police girls,
we praise girls for virginity,

329
00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:19,576
but we don't praise boys for virginity,

330
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:23,505
and it's always made me wonder how exactly
this is supposed to work out because ...

331
00:16:23,529 --> 00:16:25,856
(Laughter)

332
00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:28,840
(Applause)

333
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:37,160
I mean, the loss of virginity
is usually a process that involves ...

334
00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:42,856
Recently a young woman
was gang raped in a university in Nigeria,

335
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:44,576
I think some of us know about that.

336
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:47,856
And the response of many young Nigerians,
both male and female,

337
00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:50,376
was something along the lines of this:

338
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,576
"Yes, rape is wrong.

339
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:55,880
But what is a girl doing
in a room with four boys?"

340
00:16:56,920 --> 00:17:01,040
Now, if we can forget
the horrible inhumanity of that response,

341
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:06,000
these Nigerians have been raised
to think of women as inherently guilty,

342
00:17:07,319 --> 00:17:10,455
and they have been raised
to expect so little of men

343
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:14,175
that the idea of men as savage beings
without any control

344
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,440
is somehow acceptable.

345
00:17:16,839 --> 00:17:18,856
We teach girls shame.

346
00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:20,760
"Close your legs." "Cover yourself."

347
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:23,695
We make them feel
as though by being born female

348
00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:25,816
they're already guilty of something.

349
00:17:25,839 --> 00:17:28,175
And so, girls grow up to be women

350
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:30,336
who cannot see they have desire.

351
00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:33,240
They grow up to be women
who silence themselves.

352
00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:38,496
They grow up to be women
who cannot say what they truly think,

353
00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:39,856
and they grow up --

354
00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:42,056
and this is the worst thing
we did to girls --

355
00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:46,216
they grow up to be women
who have turned pretense into an art form.

356
00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:50,080
(Applause)

357
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:55,856
I know a woman who hates domestic work,

358
00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:57,376
she just hates it,

359
00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,120
but she pretends that she likes it,

360
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:04,296
because she's been taught
that to be "good wife material"

361
00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:06,696
she has to be --
to use that Nigerian word --

362
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,200
very "homely."

363
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:10,976
And then she got married,

364
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:14,816
and after a while her husband's family
began to complain that she had changed.

365
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:16,416
(Laughter)

366
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:17,896
Actually, she had not changed,

367
00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:19,840
she just got tired of pretending.

368
00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:23,856
The problem with gender,

369
00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:26,416
is that it prescribes how we should be

370
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,440
rather than recognizing how we are.

371
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,856
Now imagine how much happier we would be,

372
00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:35,376
how much freer to be
our true individual selves,

373
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:38,040
if we didn't have the weight
of gender expectations.

374
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:44,016
Boys and girls are
undeniably different biologically,

375
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:47,016
but socialization
exaggerates the differences

376
00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:49,616
and then it becomes
a self-fulfilling process.

377
00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:51,680
Now, take cooking for example.

378
00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:55,776
Today women in general are more likely
to do the housework than men,

379
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:57,056
the cooking and cleaning.

380
00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:58,656
But why is that?

381
00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:01,536
Is it because women
are born with a cooking gene?

382
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:02,976
(Laughter)

383
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:07,256
Or because over years they have been
socialized to see cooking as their role?

384
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:10,856
Actually, I was going to say that maybe
women are born with a cooking gene,

385
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:14,336
until I remember that the majority
of the famous cooks in the world,

386
00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:16,656
whom we give the fancy title of "chefs,"

387
00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:17,880
are men.

388
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:20,656
I used to look up to my grandmother

389
00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:22,736
who was a brilliant, brilliant woman,

390
00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:24,496
and wonder how she would have been

391
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:27,880
if she had the same opportunities
as men when she was growing up.

392
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,536
Now today, there are
many more opportunities for women

393
00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:33,816
than there were
during my grandmother's time

394
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,456
because of changes in policy,
changes in law,

395
00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:38,056
all of which are very important.

396
00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:42,616
But what matters even more
is our attitude, our mindset,

397
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:45,936
what we believe
and what we value about gender.

398
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:48,376
What if in raising children

399
00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:51,200
we focus on ability instead of gender?

400
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:56,120
What if in raising children
we focus on interest instead of gender?

401
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,216
I know a family
who have a son and a daughter,

402
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,136
both of whom are brilliant at school,

403
00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:03,056
who are wonderful, lovely children.

404
00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:05,616
When the boy is hungry,
the parents say to the girl,

405
00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:07,856
"Go and cook Indomie noodles
for your brother."

406
00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:09,096
(Laughter)

407
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:12,616
Now, the daughter doesn't
particularly like to cook Indomie noodles,

408
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:15,416
but she's a girl, and so she has to.

409
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:17,216
Now, what if the parents,

410
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:18,856
from the beginning,

411
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:22,800
taught both the boy and the girl
to cook Indomie?

412
00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:26,936
Cooking, by the way,
is a very useful skill for boys to have.

413
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:31,816
I've never thought it made sense
to leave such a crucial thing,

414
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:33,736
the ability to nourish oneself --

415
00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:34,976
(Laughter)

416
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,536
in the hands of others.

417
00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:39,480
(Applause)

418
00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:45,616
I know a woman who has the same degree
and the same job as her husband.

419
00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:48,536
When they get back from work,
she does most of the housework,

420
00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:50,736
which I think is true for many marriages.

421
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:52,496
But what struck me about them

422
00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:55,496
was that whenever her husband
changed the baby's diaper,

423
00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:57,800
she said "thank you" to him.

424
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:03,456
Now, what if she saw this
as perfectly normal and natural

425
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:06,816
that he should, in fact,
care for his child?

426
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:08,680
(Laughter)

427
00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:13,176
I'm trying to unlearn
many of the lessons of gender

428
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:15,496
that I internalized when I was growing up.

429
00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:20,576
But I sometimes still feel very vulnerable
in the face of gender expectations.

430
00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:23,600
The first time I taught
a writing class in graduate school,

431
00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:25,616
I was worried.

432
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:27,976
I wasn't worried
about the material I would teach

433
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:29,336
because I was well-prepared,

434
00:21:29,360 --> 00:21:31,576
and I was going to teach
what I enjoy teaching.

435
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:33,680
Instead, I was worried about what to wear.

436
00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:36,280
I wanted to be taken seriously.

437
00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:39,056
I knew that because I was female

438
00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:42,240
I will automatically
have to prove my worth.

439
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:45,496
And I was worried
that if I looked too feminine,

440
00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:47,296
I would not be taken seriously.

441
00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:51,656
I really wanted to wear
my shiny lip gloss and my girly skirt,

442
00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:53,496
but I decided not to.

443
00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:55,896
Instead, I wore a very serious,

444
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:58,496
very manly and very ugly suit.

445
00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:00,016
(Laughter)

446
00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:02,736
Because the sad truth is
that when it comes to appearance

447
00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:05,360
we start off with men
as the standard, as the norm.

448
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:08,296
If a man is getting ready
for a business meeting,

449
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:10,456
he doesn't worry
about looking too masculine

450
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,976
and therefore not being taken for granted.

451
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,496
If a woman has to get ready
for business meeting,

452
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:18,296
she has to worry
about looking too feminine

453
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:22,600
and what it says and whether or not
she will be taken seriously.

454
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:26,200
I wish I had not worn
that ugly suit that day.

455
00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:30,576
I've actually banished it
from my closet, by the way.

456
00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:35,536
Had I then the confidence
that I have now to be myself,

457
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:38,496
my students would have benefited
even more from my teaching,

458
00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:40,576
because I would have been more comfortable

459
00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:42,600
and more fully and more truly myself.

460
00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:47,816
I have chosen to no longer
be apologetic for my femaleness

461
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:49,040
and for my femininity.

462
00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:52,680
(Applause)

463
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:58,656
And I want to be respected
in all of my femaleness

464
00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:00,240
because I deserve to be.

465
00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:03,640
Gender is not an easy
conversation to have.

466
00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:06,656
For both men and women,

467
00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:10,616
to bring up gender is sometimes
to encounter almost immediate resistance.

468
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:13,896
I can imagine some people here
are actually thinking,

469
00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:15,840
"Women too do sef."

470
00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:19,696
Some of the men here might be thinking,

471
00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:21,456
"OK, all of this is interesting,

472
00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:23,040
but I don't think like that."

473
00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:26,176
And that is part of the problem.

474
00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:29,176
That many men do not
actively think about gender

475
00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:30,696
or notice gender

476
00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:32,736
is part of the problem of gender.

477
00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:35,416
That many men, say, like my friend Louis,

478
00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:37,120
that everything is fine now.

479
00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:41,016
And that many men do nothing to change it.

480
00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:43,896
If you are a man and you walk
into a restaurant with a woman

481
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:45,600
and the waiter greets only you,

482
00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:48,896
does it occur to you to ask the waiter,

483
00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:50,480
"Why haven't you greeted her?"

484
00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:54,816
Because gender can be --

485
00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:56,920
(Laughter)

486
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:09,376
Actually, we may repose
part of a longer version of this talk.

487
00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:12,976
So, because gender can be
a very uncomfortable conversation to have,

488
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:16,096
there are very easy ways to close it,
to close the conversation.

489
00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:20,296
So some people will bring up
evolutionary biology and apes,

490
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:23,976
how, you know, female apes
bow down to male apes

491
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:25,240
and that sort of thing.

492
00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:27,936
But the point is we're not apes.

493
00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:29,376
(Laughter)

494
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:33,400
(Applause)

495
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:38,976
Apes also live on trees
and have earthworms for breakfast,

496
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:40,200
and we don't.

497
00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:45,240
Some people will say,
"Well, poor men also have a hard time."

498
00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:47,080
And this is true.

499
00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:49,256
But that is not what this --

500
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:50,376
(Laughter)

501
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:53,080
But this is not
what this conversation is about.

502
00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:58,256
Gender and class
are different forms of oppression.

503
00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:01,936
I actually learned quite a bit
about systems of oppression

504
00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:04,416
and how they can be blind to one another

505
00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:05,920
by talking to black men.

506
00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:10,496
I was once talking
to a black man about gender

507
00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:11,896
and he said to me,

508
00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:15,376
"Why do you have to say
'my experience as a woman'?

509
00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:16,616
Why can't it be

510
00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:18,520
'your experience as a human being'?"

511
00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:21,096
Now, this was the same man

512
00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:24,120
who would often talk
about his experience as a black man.

513
00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:28,576
Gender matters.

514
00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:31,096
Men and women
experience the world differently.

515
00:25:31,120 --> 00:25:33,936
Gender colors the way
we experience the world.

516
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:35,360
But we can change that.

517
00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:38,456
Some people will say,

518
00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:40,936
"Oh, but women have the real power,

519
00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:42,736
bottom power."

520
00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:45,656
And for non-Nigerians,
bottom power is an expression

521
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:47,536
which I suppose means
something like a woman

522
00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:50,320
who uses her sexuality
to get favors from men.

523
00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:53,920
But bottom power is not power at all.

524
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:59,176
Bottom power means that a woman

525
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:02,096
simply has a good root to tap into,
from time to time --

526
00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:03,560
somebody else's power.

527
00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:06,496
And then, of course, we have to wonder

528
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:09,176
what happens when
that somebody else is in a bad mood,

529
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:10,576
or sick

530
00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:11,800
or impotent.

531
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:15,696
(Laughter)

532
00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:21,960
Some people will say that a woman
being subordinate to a man is our culture.

533
00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:24,616
But culture is constantly changing.

534
00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:29,296
I have beautiful twin nieces
who are fifteen and live in Lagos.

535
00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:31,280
If they had been born a hundred years ago

536
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:34,136
they would have been
taken away and killed.

537
00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:37,200
Because it was our culture,
it was our culture to kill twins.

538
00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:40,760
So what is the point of culture?

539
00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:43,056
I mean there's the decorative,

540
00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:44,696
the dancing ...

541
00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:49,336
but also, culture really is about
preservation and continuity of a people.

542
00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:50,616
In my family,

543
00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:53,816
I am the child who is most interested
in the story of who we are,

544
00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:55,096
in our traditions,

545
00:26:55,120 --> 00:26:57,296
in the knowledge about ancestral lands.

546
00:26:57,320 --> 00:26:59,896
My brothers are not as interested as I am.

547
00:26:59,920 --> 00:27:01,360
But I cannot participate,

548
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:04,216
I cannot go to umunna meetings,

549
00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:05,976
I cannot have a say.

550
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:07,200
Because I'm female.

551
00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:10,176
Culture does not make people,

552
00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:11,600
people make culture.

553
00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:14,696
So if it is in fact true --

554
00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:18,216
(Applause)

555
00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:19,856
So if it is in fact true

556
00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:22,776
that the full humanity of women
is not our culture,

557
00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:24,520
then we must make it our culture.

558
00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:31,656
I think very often of my dear friend,
Okoloma Maduewesi.

559
00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:35,656
May he and all the others
who passed away in that Sosoliso crash

560
00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:37,160
continue to rest in peace.

561
00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:41,480
He will always be remembered
by those of us who loved him.

562
00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:47,376
And he was right that day many years ago
when he called me a feminist.

563
00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:48,640
I am a feminist.

564
00:27:49,400 --> 00:27:52,096
And when I looked up the word
in the dictionary that day,

565
00:27:52,120 --> 00:27:53,376
this is what it said:

566
00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:56,776
"Feminist: a person
who believes in the social, political

567
00:27:56,800 --> 00:28:00,496
and economic equality of the sexes."

568
00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:03,456
My great grandmother,
from the stories I've heard,

569
00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:05,056
was a feminist.

570
00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:08,456
She ran away from the house of the man
she did not want to marry

571
00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:10,560
and ended up marrying
the man of her choice.

572
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:14,136
She refused, she protested, she spoke up

573
00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:19,456
whenever she felt she was being deprived
of access, of land, that sort of thing.

574
00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:22,776
My great grandmother
did not know that word "feminist,"

575
00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:24,720
but it doesn't mean that she wasn't one.

576
00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:28,080
More of us should reclaim that word.

577
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:32,440
My own definition of feminist is:

578
00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:35,576
"A feminist is a man or a woman

579
00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:36,800
who says --

580
00:28:37,480 --> 00:28:40,616
(Laughter)

581
00:28:40,640 --> 00:28:44,400
(Applause)

582
00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:49,856
A feminist is a man or a woman who says,

583
00:28:49,880 --> 00:28:53,176
"Yes, there's a problem
with gender as it is today,

584
00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:54,496
and we must fix it.

585
00:28:54,520 --> 00:28:56,240
We must do better."

586
00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:00,016
The best feminist I know

587
00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:01,360
is my brother Kene.

588
00:29:02,920 --> 00:29:06,816
He's also a kind,
good-looking, lovely man,

589
00:29:06,840 --> 00:29:08,600
and he's very masculine.

590
00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:10,536
Thank you.

591
00:29:10,560 --> 00:29:14,840
(Applause)