0:00:00.480,0:00:05.176
So I would like to start by telling you[br]about one of my greatest friends,

0:00:05.200,0:00:06.840
Okoloma Maduewesi.

0:00:07.720,0:00:09.336
Okoloma lived on my street

0:00:09.360,0:00:11.656
and looked after me like a big brother.

0:00:11.680,0:00:14.720
If I liked a boy,[br]I would ask Okoloma's opinion.

0:00:16.160,0:00:20.016
Okoloma died in the notorious[br]Sosoliso plane crash

0:00:20.040,0:00:22.400
in Nigeria in December of 2005.

0:00:23.000,0:00:24.680
Almost exactly seven years ago.

0:00:26.080,0:00:30.440
Okoloma was a person I could argue with,[br]laugh with and truly talk to.

0:00:31.680,0:00:34.061
He was also the first person[br]to call me a feminist.

0:00:35.520,0:00:38.936
I was about fourteen,[br]we were at his house, arguing.

0:00:38.960,0:00:41.456
Both of us bristling[br]with half bit knowledge

0:00:41.480,0:00:42.840
from books that we had read.

0:00:43.560,0:00:46.320
I don't remember what this[br]particular argument was about,

0:00:47.320,0:00:49.376
but I remember[br]that as I argued and argued,

0:00:49.400,0:00:52.960
Okoloma looked at me and said,[br]"You know, you're a feminist."

0:00:53.880,0:00:55.096
It was not a compliment.

0:00:55.120,0:00:56.536
(Laughter)

0:00:56.560,0:00:57.896
I could tell from his tone,

0:00:57.920,0:01:00.696
the same tone that you would use[br]to say something like,

0:01:00.720,0:01:02.456
"You're a supporter of terrorism."

0:01:02.480,0:01:05.256
(Laughter)

0:01:05.280,0:01:08.936
I did not know exactly[br]what this word "feminist" meant,

0:01:08.960,0:01:12.176
and I did not want Okoloma[br]to know that I did not know.

0:01:12.200,0:01:15.216
So I brushed it aside,[br]and I continued to argue.

0:01:15.240,0:01:17.656
And the first thing[br]I planned to do when I got home

0:01:17.680,0:01:20.256
was to look up the word[br]"feminist" in the dictionary.

0:01:20.280,0:01:23.416
Now fast forward to some years later,

0:01:23.440,0:01:27.576
I wrote a novel about a man[br]who among other things beats his wife

0:01:27.600,0:01:29.560
and whose story doesn't end very well.

0:01:30.600,0:01:32.656
While I was promoting[br]the novel in Nigeria,

0:01:32.680,0:01:35.696
a journalist, a nice, well-meaning man,

0:01:35.720,0:01:37.720
told me he wanted to advise me.

0:01:39.280,0:01:40.616
And for the Nigerians here,

0:01:40.640,0:01:42.136
I'm sure we're all familiar

0:01:42.160,0:01:48.400
with how quick our people are[br]to give unsolicited advice.

0:01:49.760,0:01:53.216
He told me that people were saying[br]that my novel was feminist

0:01:53.240,0:01:54.856
and his advice to me --

0:01:54.880,0:01:58.056
and he was shaking his head[br]sadly as he spoke --

0:01:58.080,0:02:00.256
was that I should never[br]call myself a feminist

0:02:00.280,0:02:02.856
because feminists[br]are women who are unhappy

0:02:02.880,0:02:04.816
because they cannot find husbands.

0:02:04.840,0:02:07.240
(Laughter)

0:02:09.280,0:02:11.720
So I decided to call myself[br]"a happy feminist."

0:02:13.040,0:02:15.696
Then an academic, a Nigerian woman told me

0:02:15.720,0:02:17.416
that feminism was not our culture

0:02:17.440,0:02:19.056
and that feminism wasn't African,

0:02:19.080,0:02:21.016
and that I was calling myself a feminist

0:02:21.040,0:02:23.280
because I had been corrupted[br]by "Western books."

0:02:24.120,0:02:25.336
Which amused me,

0:02:25.360,0:02:28.696
because a lot of my early readings[br]were decidedly unfeminist.

0:02:28.720,0:02:31.936
I think I must have read every single[br]Mills & Boon romance published

0:02:31.960,0:02:33.160
before I was sixteen.

0:02:33.960,0:02:35.936
And each time I tried to read those books

0:02:35.960,0:02:37.776
called "the feminist classics,"

0:02:37.800,0:02:40.576
I'd get bored, and I really[br]struggled to finish them.

0:02:40.600,0:02:43.336
But anyway, since feminism was un-African,

0:02:43.360,0:02:46.840
I decided that I would now call myself[br]"a happy African feminist."

0:02:47.840,0:02:52.256
At some point I was a happy African[br]feminist who does not hate men

0:02:52.280,0:02:53.616
and who likes lip gloss

0:02:53.640,0:02:56.136
and who wears high heels[br]for herself but not for men.

0:02:56.160,0:02:57.896
(Laughter)

0:02:57.920,0:03:00.096
Of course a lot of this[br]was tongue-in-cheek,

0:03:00.120,0:03:04.736
but that word feminist is so heavy[br]with baggage, negative baggage.

0:03:04.760,0:03:07.096
You hate men, you hate bras,

0:03:07.120,0:03:09.240
you hate African culture,[br]that sort of thing.

0:03:10.240,0:03:12.280
Now here's a story from my childhood.

0:03:13.000,0:03:14.776
When I was in primary school,

0:03:14.800,0:03:19.336
my teacher said at the beginning of term[br]that she would give the class a test

0:03:19.360,0:03:22.296
and whoever got the highest score[br]would be the class monitor.

0:03:22.320,0:03:24.400
Now, class monitor was a big deal.

0:03:25.240,0:03:26.976
If you were a class monitor,

0:03:27.000,0:03:29.456
you got to write down[br]the names of noisemakers --

0:03:29.480,0:03:31.136
(Laughter)

0:03:31.160,0:03:33.640
which was having enough power of its own.

0:03:34.480,0:03:39.256
But my teacher would also give you[br]a cane to hold in your hand

0:03:39.280,0:03:42.240
while you walk around[br]and patrol the class for noisemakers.

0:03:43.360,0:03:46.240
Now, of course you were not[br]actually allowed to use the cane.

0:03:46.920,0:03:50.336
But it was an exciting prospect[br]for the nine-year-old me.

0:03:50.360,0:03:53.136
I very much wanted[br]to be the class monitor.

0:03:53.160,0:03:55.080
And I got the highest score on the test.

0:03:55.800,0:03:59.160
Then, to my surprise, my teacher said[br]that the monitor had to be a boy.

0:04:00.240,0:04:02.336
She had forgotten[br]to make that clear earlier

0:04:02.360,0:04:04.218
because she assumed it was ... obvious.

0:04:04.242,0:04:06.296
(Laughter)

0:04:06.320,0:04:09.096
A boy had the second highest[br]score on the test,

0:04:09.120,0:04:11.160
and he would be monitor.

0:04:11.960,0:04:14.136
Now, what was even more[br]interesting about this

0:04:14.160,0:04:17.976
is that the boy was a sweet, gentle soul

0:04:18.000,0:04:20.959
who had no interest[br]in patrolling the class with the cane,

0:04:22.120,0:04:25.320
while I was full of ambition to do so.

0:04:26.560,0:04:28.656
But I was female and he was male,

0:04:28.680,0:04:30.347
and so he became the class monitor.

0:04:31.240,0:04:33.240
And I've never forgotten that incident.

0:04:34.160,0:04:36.056
I often make the mistake of thinking

0:04:36.080,0:04:39.536
that something that is obvious to me[br]is just as obvious to everyone else.

0:04:39.560,0:04:41.136
Now, take my dear friend Louis

0:04:41.160,0:04:42.496
for example.

0:04:42.520,0:04:44.376
Louis is a brilliant, progressive man,

0:04:44.400,0:04:46.896
and we would have conversations[br]and he would tell me,

0:04:46.920,0:04:50.400
"I don't know what you mean by things[br]being different or harder for women.

0:04:50.960,0:04:52.600
Maybe in the past, but not now."

0:04:53.560,0:04:58.136
And I didn't understand how Louis[br]could not see what seems so self-evident.

0:04:58.160,0:05:02.296
Then one evening, in Lagos,[br]Louis and I went out with friends.

0:05:02.320,0:05:04.776
And for people here[br]who are not familiar with Lagos,

0:05:04.800,0:05:06.696
there's that wonderful Lagos' fixture,

0:05:06.720,0:05:11.376
the sprinkling of energetic men[br]who hang around outside establishments

0:05:11.400,0:05:14.400
and very dramatically[br]"help" you park your car.

0:05:16.000,0:05:19.296
I was impressed[br]with the particular theatrics

0:05:19.320,0:05:22.296
of the man who found us[br]a parking spot that evening.

0:05:22.320,0:05:25.280
And so as we were leaving,[br]I decided to leave him a tip.

0:05:26.760,0:05:28.176
I opened my bag,

0:05:28.200,0:05:29.576
put my hand inside my bag,

0:05:29.600,0:05:32.320
brought out my money[br]that I had earned from doing my work,

0:05:33.160,0:05:34.520
and I gave it to the man.

0:05:35.600,0:05:39.976
And he, this man who was[br]very grateful and very happy,

0:05:40.000,0:05:41.776
took the money from me,

0:05:41.800,0:05:43.216
looked across at Louis

0:05:43.240,0:05:45.096
and said, "Thank you, sir!"

0:05:45.120,0:05:47.600
(Laughter)

0:05:51.160,0:05:54.416
Louis looked at me, surprised,

0:05:54.440,0:05:57.840
and asked, "Why is he thanking me?[br]I didn't give him the money."

0:05:58.840,0:06:01.800
Then I saw realization[br]dawn on Louis' face.

0:06:03.040,0:06:05.456
The man believed that whatever money I had

0:06:05.480,0:06:09.000
had ultimately come from Louis.

0:06:09.720,0:06:10.960
Because Louis is a man.

0:06:12.600,0:06:14.416
Men and women are different.

0:06:14.440,0:06:17.296
We have different hormones,[br]we have different sexual organs,

0:06:17.320,0:06:19.376
we have different biological abilities.

0:06:19.400,0:06:21.200
Women can have babies, men can't.

0:06:22.800,0:06:24.016
At least not yet.

0:06:24.040,0:06:25.456
(Laughter)

0:06:25.480,0:06:29.760
Men have testosterone and are[br]in general physically stronger than women.

0:06:30.520,0:06:33.176
There's slightly more women[br]than men in the world,

0:06:33.200,0:06:36.296
about 52 percent of the world's[br]population is female.

0:06:36.320,0:06:39.720
But most of the positions of power[br]and prestige are occupied by men.

0:06:40.840,0:06:43.296
The late Kenyan Nobel Peace laureate,

0:06:43.320,0:06:44.656
Wangari Maathai,

0:06:44.680,0:06:46.800
put it simply and well when she said:

0:06:47.600,0:06:50.320
"The higher you go,[br]the fewer women there are."

0:06:51.920,0:06:56.536
In the recent US elections we kept hearing[br]of the Lilly Ledbetter law,

0:06:56.560,0:06:59.976
and if we go beyond the nicely[br]alliterative name of that law,

0:07:00.000,0:07:02.136
it was really about a man and a woman

0:07:02.160,0:07:04.936
doing the same job,[br]being equally qualified,

0:07:04.960,0:07:07.360
and the man being paid more[br]because he's a man.

0:07:08.160,0:07:11.496
So in the literal way, men rule the world,

0:07:11.520,0:07:14.360
and this made sense a thousand years ago

0:07:15.120,0:07:17.976
because human beings lived then in a world

0:07:18.000,0:07:22.176
in which physical strength was[br]the most important attribute for survival.

0:07:22.200,0:07:25.480
The physically stronger person[br]was more likely to lead,

0:07:27.280,0:07:29.856
and men, in general,[br]are physically stronger.

0:07:29.880,0:07:31.595
Of course there are many exceptions.

0:07:31.619,0:07:33.176
(Laughter)

0:07:33.200,0:07:37.000
But today we live[br]in a vastly different world.

0:07:37.720,0:07:41.776
The person more likely to lead[br]is not the physically stronger person;

0:07:41.800,0:07:45.296
it is the more creative person,[br]the more intelligent person,

0:07:45.320,0:07:47.736
the more innovative person,

0:07:47.760,0:07:50.416
and there are no hormones[br]for those attributes.

0:07:50.440,0:07:53.056
A man is as likely as a woman[br]to be intelligent,

0:07:53.080,0:07:55.040
to be creative, to be innovative.

0:07:55.800,0:07:57.096
We have evolved;

0:07:57.120,0:08:00.640
but it seems to me that our ideas[br]of gender had not evolved.

0:08:01.760,0:08:05.720
Some weeks ago, I walked into a lobby[br]of one of the best Nigerian hotels.

0:08:06.280,0:08:09.536
I thought about naming the hotel,[br]but I thought I probably shouldn't.

0:08:09.560,0:08:12.920
And a guard at the entrance stopped me[br]and asked me annoying questions,

0:08:13.960,0:08:15.776
because their automatic assumption is

0:08:15.800,0:08:18.920
that a Nigerian female walking[br]into a hotel alone is a sex worker.

0:08:21.000,0:08:22.216
And by the way,

0:08:22.240,0:08:25.376
why do these hotels[br]focus on the ostensible supply

0:08:25.400,0:08:27.840
rather than the demand for sex workers?

0:08:29.520,0:08:34.775
In Lagos I cannot go alone[br]into many "reputable" bars and clubs.

0:08:34.799,0:08:37.216
They just don't let you in[br]if you're a woman alone,

0:08:37.240,0:08:38.960
you have to be accompanied by a man.

0:08:39.600,0:08:42.336
Each time I walk into[br]a Nigerian restaurant with a man,

0:08:42.360,0:08:44.560
the waiter greets the man and ignores me.

0:08:46.320,0:08:47.816
The waiters are products --

0:08:47.840,0:08:48.976
(Laughter)

0:08:49.000,0:08:51.896
At this some women[br]felt like, "Yes! I thought that!"

0:08:51.920,0:08:53.856
The waiters are products of a society

0:08:53.880,0:08:56.920
that has taught them that men[br]are more important than women.

0:08:58.240,0:09:01.096
And I know that waiters[br]don't intend any harm.

0:09:01.120,0:09:05.416
But it's one thing to know intellectually[br]and quite another to feel it emotionally.

0:09:05.440,0:09:07.816
Each time they ignore me,[br]I feel invisible.

0:09:07.840,0:09:09.040
I feel upset.

0:09:09.720,0:09:13.056
I want to tell them[br]that I am just as human as the man,

0:09:13.080,0:09:15.880
that I'm just as worthy of acknowledgment.

0:09:16.760,0:09:18.016
These are little things,

0:09:18.040,0:09:21.296
but sometimes it's the little things[br]that sting the most.

0:09:21.320,0:09:23.056
And not long ago, I wrote an article

0:09:23.080,0:09:26.376
about what it means[br]to be young and female in Lagos,

0:09:26.400,0:09:28.320
and the printers told me,

0:09:29.120,0:09:30.320
"It was so angry."

0:09:30.960,0:09:32.336
Of course it was angry!

0:09:32.360,0:09:34.120
(Laughter)

0:09:36.840,0:09:38.496
I am angry.

0:09:38.520,0:09:41.656
Gender as it functions today[br]is a grave injustice.

0:09:41.680,0:09:43.416
We should all be angry.

0:09:43.440,0:09:47.296
Anger has a long history[br]of bringing about positive change;

0:09:47.320,0:09:50.120
but, in addition to being angry,[br]I'm also hopeful.

0:09:50.880,0:09:53.496
Because I believe deeply[br]in the ability of human beings

0:09:53.520,0:09:55.640
to make and remake[br]themselves for the better.

0:09:56.920,0:09:58.816
Gender matters everywhere in the world,

0:09:58.840,0:10:01.496
but I want to focus on Nigeria

0:10:01.520,0:10:02.976
and on Africa in general,

0:10:03.000,0:10:06.576
because it is where I know,[br]and because it is where my heart is.

0:10:06.600,0:10:08.536
And I would like today to ask

0:10:08.560,0:10:12.696
that we begin to dream about[br]and plan for a different world,

0:10:12.720,0:10:14.040
a fairer world,

0:10:16.240,0:10:20.416
a world of happier men and happier women[br]who are truer to themselves.

0:10:20.440,0:10:21.976
And this is how to start:

0:10:22.000,0:10:24.456
we must raise our daughters differently.

0:10:24.480,0:10:26.840
We must also raise our sons differently.

0:10:28.000,0:10:31.656
We do a great disservice to boys[br]on how we raise them;

0:10:31.680,0:10:33.520
we stifle the humanity of boys.

0:10:34.480,0:10:37.056
We define masculinity[br]in a very narrow way,

0:10:37.080,0:10:40.576
masculinity becomes this hard, small cage

0:10:40.600,0:10:42.896
and we put boys inside the cage.

0:10:42.920,0:10:44.840
We teach boys to be afraid of fear.

0:10:45.480,0:10:49.240
We teach boys to be afraid[br]of weakness, of vulnerability.

0:10:50.200,0:10:52.656
We teach them to mask their true selves,

0:10:52.680,0:10:56.920
because they have to be,[br]in Nigerian speak, "hard man!"

0:10:58.440,0:11:02.576
In secondary school, a boy and a girl,[br]both of them teenagers,

0:11:02.600,0:11:06.096
both of them with the same amount[br]of pocket money, would go out

0:11:06.120,0:11:08.896
and then the boy[br]would be expected always to pay,

0:11:08.920,0:11:10.560
to prove his masculinity.

0:11:11.440,0:11:15.240
And yet we wonder why boys are more likely[br]to steal money from their parents.

0:11:17.240,0:11:20.736
What if both boys and girls were raised

0:11:20.760,0:11:22.880
not to link masculinity with money?

0:11:23.720,0:11:26.736
What if the attitude[br]was not "the boy has to pay"

0:11:26.760,0:11:29.520
but rather "whoever has more should pay?"

0:11:30.360,0:11:32.936
Now, of course because[br]of that historical advantage,

0:11:32.960,0:11:35.416
it is mostly men who will have more today,

0:11:35.440,0:11:38.056
but if we start[br]raising children differently,

0:11:38.080,0:11:40.616
then in fifty years, in a hundred years,

0:11:40.640,0:11:44.440
boys will no longer have the pressure[br]of having to prove this masculinity.

0:11:45.680,0:11:48.696
But by far the worst thing we do to males,

0:11:48.720,0:11:51.056
by making them feel[br]that they have to be hard,

0:11:51.080,0:11:54.200
is that we leave them[br]with very fragile egos.

0:11:55.120,0:11:58.520
The more "hard man"[br]the man feels compelled to be,

0:11:59.320,0:12:00.920
the weaker his ego is.

0:12:02.960,0:12:05.976
And then we do a much greater[br]disservice to girls

0:12:06.000,0:12:09.320
because we raise them[br]to cater to the fragile egos of men.

0:12:10.200,0:12:13.696
We teach girls to shrink themselves,[br]to make themselves smaller,

0:12:13.720,0:12:14.920
we say to girls,

0:12:15.640,0:12:17.816
"You can have ambition, but not too much."

0:12:17.840,0:12:19.216
(Laughter)

0:12:19.240,0:12:21.936
"You should aim to be successful,[br]but not too successful,

0:12:21.960,0:12:24.000
otherwise you would threaten the man."

0:12:24.720,0:12:27.616
If you are the breadwinner[br]in your relationship with a man,

0:12:27.640,0:12:29.616
you have to pretend that you're not,

0:12:29.640,0:12:31.296
especially in public,

0:12:31.320,0:12:33.360
otherwise you will emasculate him.

0:12:34.720,0:12:37.056
But what if we question[br]the premise itself?

0:12:37.080,0:12:40.400
Why should a woman's success[br]be a threat to a man?

0:12:41.200,0:12:44.736
What if we decide[br]to simply dispose of that word,

0:12:44.760,0:12:49.480
and I don't think there's an English word[br]I dislike more than "emasculation."

0:12:50.720,0:12:53.016
A Nigerian acquaintance once asked me

0:12:53.040,0:12:55.680
if I was worried that men[br]would be intimidated by me.

0:12:56.560,0:12:58.296
I was not worried at all.

0:12:58.320,0:13:00.576
In fact, it had not occurred[br]to me to be worried

0:13:00.600,0:13:02.816
because a man who would[br]be intimidated by me

0:13:02.840,0:13:05.456
is exactly the kind of man[br]I would have no interest in.

0:13:05.480,0:13:06.696
(Laughter)

0:13:06.720,0:13:08.800
(Applause)

0:13:14.120,0:13:16.960
But still I was really struck by this.

0:13:17.640,0:13:21.240
Because I'm female,[br]I'm expected to aspire to marriage;

0:13:21.960,0:13:23.736
I'm expected to make my life choices

0:13:23.760,0:13:26.840
always keeping in mind[br]that marriage is the most important.

0:13:28.040,0:13:30.016
A marriage can be a good thing;

0:13:30.040,0:13:34.456
it can be a source of joy[br]and love and mutual support.

0:13:34.480,0:13:36.936
But why do we teach girls[br]to aspire to marriage

0:13:36.960,0:13:38.680
and we don't teach boys the same?

0:13:40.840,0:13:43.016
I know a woman[br]who decided to sell her house

0:13:43.040,0:13:46.080
because she didn't want[br]to intimidate a man who might marry her.

0:13:47.880,0:13:52.336
I know an unmarried woman in Nigeria[br]who, when she goes to conferences,

0:13:52.360,0:13:53.736
wears a wedding ring

0:13:53.760,0:13:54.976
because according to her,

0:13:55.000,0:13:58.920
she wants the other participants[br]in the conference to "give her respect."

0:14:00.120,0:14:02.456
I know young women[br]who are under so much pressure

0:14:02.480,0:14:06.576
from family, from friends,[br]even from work to get married,

0:14:06.600,0:14:08.680
and they're pushed[br]to make terrible choices.

0:14:09.520,0:14:12.136
A woman at a certain age who is unmarried,

0:14:12.160,0:14:16.280
our society teaches her[br]to see it as a deep, personal failure.

0:14:17.040,0:14:19.816
And a man at a certain age[br]who is unmarried,

0:14:19.840,0:14:22.456
we just think he hasn't come around[br]to making his pick.

0:14:22.480,0:14:24.336
(Laughter)

0:14:24.360,0:14:25.976
It's easy for us to say,

0:14:26.000,0:14:28.256
"Oh, but women can[br]just say no to all of this."

0:14:28.280,0:14:30.720
But the reality is more difficult[br]and more complex.

0:14:31.360,0:14:33.136
We're all social beings.

0:14:33.160,0:14:35.656
We internalize ideas[br]from our socialization.

0:14:35.680,0:14:37.656
Even the language we use

0:14:37.680,0:14:41.096
in talking about marriage[br]and relationships illustrates this.

0:14:41.120,0:14:43.976
The language of marriage[br]is often the language of ownership

0:14:44.000,0:14:46.160
rather than the language of partnership.

0:14:46.800,0:14:49.496
We use the word "respect"

0:14:49.520,0:14:52.296
to mean something a woman shows a man

0:14:52.320,0:14:54.400
but often not something[br]a man shows a woman.

0:14:56.160,0:14:58.616
Both men and women in Nigeria will say --

0:14:58.640,0:15:00.936
this is an expression[br]I'm very amused by --

0:15:00.960,0:15:03.280
"I did it for peace in my marriage."

0:15:04.400,0:15:05.976
Now, when men say it,

0:15:06.000,0:15:09.176
it is usually about something[br]that they should not be doing anyway.

0:15:09.200,0:15:11.136
(Laughter)

0:15:11.160,0:15:13.936
Sometimes they say it to their friends,

0:15:13.960,0:15:17.896
it's something to say to their friends[br]in a kind of fondly exasperated way,

0:15:17.920,0:15:21.056
you know, something that ultimately[br]proves how masculine they are,

0:15:21.080,0:15:22.536
how needed, how loved.

0:15:22.560,0:15:25.056
"Oh, my wife said[br]I can't go to the club every night,

0:15:25.080,0:15:27.896
so for peace in my marriage,[br]I do it only on weekends."

0:15:27.920,0:15:29.616
(Laughter)

0:15:29.640,0:15:33.896
Now, when a woman says,[br]"I did it for peace in my marriage,"

0:15:33.920,0:15:37.456
she's usually talking[br]about giving up a job,

0:15:37.480,0:15:38.936
a dream,

0:15:38.960,0:15:40.320
a career.

0:15:41.080,0:15:43.496
We teach females that in relationships,

0:15:43.520,0:15:45.800
compromise is what women do.

0:15:47.080,0:15:49.656
We raise girls to see[br]each other as competitors --

0:15:49.680,0:15:53.136
not for jobs or for accomplishments,[br]which I think can be a good thing,

0:15:53.160,0:15:54.760
but for attention of men.

0:15:55.920,0:15:58.856
We teach girls that they[br]cannot be sexual beings

0:15:58.880,0:16:00.376
in the way that boys are.

0:16:00.400,0:16:03.720
If we have sons, we don't mind[br]knowing about our sons' girlfriends.

0:16:04.480,0:16:06.816
But our daughters' boyfriends? God forbid.

0:16:06.840,0:16:08.456
(Laughter)

0:16:08.480,0:16:10.296
But of course when the time is right,

0:16:10.320,0:16:14.216
we expect those girls to bring back[br]the perfect man to be their husbands.

0:16:14.240,0:16:17.616
We police girls,[br]we praise girls for virginity,

0:16:17.640,0:16:19.576
but we don't praise boys for virginity,

0:16:19.600,0:16:23.505
and it's always made me wonder how exactly[br]this is supposed to work out because ...

0:16:23.529,0:16:25.856
(Laughter)

0:16:25.880,0:16:28.840
(Applause)

0:16:33.760,0:16:37.160
I mean, the loss of virginity[br]is usually a process that involves ...

0:16:38.680,0:16:42.856
Recently a young woman[br]was gang raped in a university in Nigeria,

0:16:42.880,0:16:44.576
I think some of us know about that.

0:16:44.600,0:16:47.856
And the response of many young Nigerians,[br]both male and female,

0:16:47.880,0:16:50.376
was something along the lines of this:

0:16:50.400,0:16:52.576
"Yes, rape is wrong.

0:16:52.600,0:16:55.880
But what is a girl doing[br]in a room with four boys?"

0:16:56.920,0:17:01.040
Now, if we can forget[br]the horrible inhumanity of that response,

0:17:02.080,0:17:06.000
these Nigerians have been raised[br]to think of women as inherently guilty,

0:17:07.319,0:17:10.455
and they have been raised[br]to expect so little of men

0:17:10.480,0:17:14.175
that the idea of men as savage beings[br]without any control

0:17:14.200,0:17:15.440
is somehow acceptable.

0:17:16.839,0:17:18.856
We teach girls shame.

0:17:18.880,0:17:20.760
"Close your legs." "Cover yourself."

0:17:21.440,0:17:23.695
We make them feel[br]as though by being born female

0:17:23.720,0:17:25.816
they're already guilty of something.

0:17:25.839,0:17:28.175
And so, girls grow up to be women

0:17:28.200,0:17:30.336
who cannot see they have desire.

0:17:30.360,0:17:33.240
They grow up to be women[br]who silence themselves.

0:17:35.080,0:17:38.496
They grow up to be women[br]who cannot say what they truly think,

0:17:38.520,0:17:39.856
and they grow up --

0:17:39.880,0:17:42.056
and this is the worst thing[br]we did to girls --

0:17:42.080,0:17:46.216
they grow up to be women[br]who have turned pretense into an art form.

0:17:46.240,0:17:50.080
(Applause)

0:17:52.440,0:17:55.856
I know a woman who hates domestic work,

0:17:55.880,0:17:57.376
she just hates it,

0:17:57.400,0:17:59.120
but she pretends that she likes it,

0:18:00.200,0:18:04.296
because she's been taught[br]that to be "good wife material"

0:18:04.320,0:18:06.696
she has to be --[br]to use that Nigerian word --

0:18:06.720,0:18:08.200
very "homely."

0:18:09.440,0:18:10.976
And then she got married,

0:18:11.000,0:18:14.816
and after a while her husband's family[br]began to complain that she had changed.

0:18:14.840,0:18:16.416
(Laughter)

0:18:16.440,0:18:17.896
Actually, she had not changed,

0:18:17.920,0:18:19.840
she just got tired of pretending.

0:18:20.720,0:18:23.856
The problem with gender,

0:18:23.880,0:18:26.416
is that it prescribes how we should be

0:18:26.440,0:18:28.440
rather than recognizing how we are.

0:18:29.400,0:18:31.856
Now imagine how much happier we would be,

0:18:31.880,0:18:35.376
how much freer to be[br]our true individual selves,

0:18:35.400,0:18:38.040
if we didn't have the weight[br]of gender expectations.

0:18:39.240,0:18:44.016
Boys and girls are[br]undeniably different biologically,

0:18:44.040,0:18:47.016
but socialization[br]exaggerates the differences

0:18:47.040,0:18:49.616
and then it becomes[br]a self-fulfilling process.

0:18:49.640,0:18:51.680
Now, take cooking for example.

0:18:52.280,0:18:55.776
Today women in general are more likely[br]to do the housework than men,

0:18:55.800,0:18:57.056
the cooking and cleaning.

0:18:57.080,0:18:58.656
But why is that?

0:18:58.680,0:19:01.536
Is it because women[br]are born with a cooking gene?

0:19:01.560,0:19:02.976
(Laughter)

0:19:03.000,0:19:07.256
Or because over years they have been[br]socialized to see cooking as their role?

0:19:07.280,0:19:10.856
Actually, I was going to say that maybe[br]women are born with a cooking gene,

0:19:10.880,0:19:14.336
until I remember that the majority[br]of the famous cooks in the world,

0:19:14.360,0:19:16.656
whom we give the fancy title of "chefs,"

0:19:16.680,0:19:17.880
are men.

0:19:18.960,0:19:20.656
I used to look up to my grandmother

0:19:20.680,0:19:22.736
who was a brilliant, brilliant woman,

0:19:22.760,0:19:24.496
and wonder how she would have been

0:19:24.520,0:19:27.880
if she had the same opportunities[br]as men when she was growing up.

0:19:28.960,0:19:31.536
Now today, there are[br]many more opportunities for women

0:19:31.560,0:19:33.816
than there were[br]during my grandmother's time

0:19:33.840,0:19:36.456
because of changes in policy,[br]changes in law,

0:19:36.480,0:19:38.056
all of which are very important.

0:19:38.080,0:19:42.616
But what matters even more[br]is our attitude, our mindset,

0:19:42.640,0:19:45.936
what we believe[br]and what we value about gender.

0:19:45.960,0:19:48.376
What if in raising children

0:19:48.400,0:19:51.200
we focus on ability instead of gender?

0:19:52.000,0:19:56.120
What if in raising children[br]we focus on interest instead of gender?

0:19:57.000,0:19:59.216
I know a family[br]who have a son and a daughter,

0:19:59.240,0:20:01.136
both of whom are brilliant at school,

0:20:01.160,0:20:03.056
who are wonderful, lovely children.

0:20:03.080,0:20:05.616
When the boy is hungry,[br]the parents say to the girl,

0:20:05.640,0:20:07.856
"Go and cook Indomie noodles[br]for your brother."

0:20:07.880,0:20:09.096
(Laughter)

0:20:09.120,0:20:12.616
Now, the daughter doesn't[br]particularly like to cook Indomie noodles,

0:20:12.640,0:20:15.416
but she's a girl, and so she has to.

0:20:15.440,0:20:17.216
Now, what if the parents,

0:20:17.240,0:20:18.856
from the beginning,

0:20:18.880,0:20:22.800
taught both the boy and the girl[br]to cook Indomie?

0:20:23.920,0:20:26.936
Cooking, by the way,[br]is a very useful skill for boys to have.

0:20:26.960,0:20:31.816
I've never thought it made sense[br]to leave such a crucial thing,

0:20:31.840,0:20:33.736
the ability to nourish oneself --

0:20:33.760,0:20:34.976
(Laughter)

0:20:35.000,0:20:36.536
in the hands of others.

0:20:36.560,0:20:39.480
(Applause)

0:20:41.760,0:20:45.616
I know a woman who has the same degree[br]and the same job as her husband.

0:20:45.640,0:20:48.536
When they get back from work,[br]she does most of the housework,

0:20:48.560,0:20:50.736
which I think is true for many marriages.

0:20:50.760,0:20:52.496
But what struck me about them

0:20:52.520,0:20:55.496
was that whenever her husband[br]changed the baby's diaper,

0:20:55.520,0:20:57.800
she said "thank you" to him.

0:20:59.040,0:21:03.456
Now, what if she saw this[br]as perfectly normal and natural

0:21:03.480,0:21:06.816
that he should, in fact,[br]care for his child?

0:21:06.840,0:21:08.680
(Laughter)

0:21:09.680,0:21:13.176
I'm trying to unlearn[br]many of the lessons of gender

0:21:13.200,0:21:15.496
that I internalized when I was growing up.

0:21:15.520,0:21:20.576
But I sometimes still feel very vulnerable[br]in the face of gender expectations.

0:21:20.600,0:21:23.600
The first time I taught[br]a writing class in graduate school,

0:21:24.360,0:21:25.616
I was worried.

0:21:25.640,0:21:27.976
I wasn't worried[br]about the material I would teach

0:21:28.000,0:21:29.336
because I was well-prepared,

0:21:29.360,0:21:31.576
and I was going to teach[br]what I enjoy teaching.

0:21:31.600,0:21:33.680
Instead, I was worried about what to wear.

0:21:34.680,0:21:36.280
I wanted to be taken seriously.

0:21:37.480,0:21:39.056
I knew that because I was female

0:21:39.080,0:21:42.240
I will automatically[br]have to prove my worth.

0:21:43.240,0:21:45.496
And I was worried[br]that if I looked too feminine,

0:21:45.520,0:21:47.296
I would not be taken seriously.

0:21:47.320,0:21:51.656
I really wanted to wear[br]my shiny lip gloss and my girly skirt,

0:21:51.680,0:21:53.496
but I decided not to.

0:21:53.520,0:21:55.896
Instead, I wore a very serious,

0:21:55.920,0:21:58.496
very manly and very ugly suit.

0:21:58.520,0:22:00.016
(Laughter)

0:22:00.040,0:22:02.736
Because the sad truth is[br]that when it comes to appearance

0:22:02.760,0:22:05.360
we start off with men[br]as the standard, as the norm.

0:22:05.960,0:22:08.296
If a man is getting ready[br]for a business meeting,

0:22:08.320,0:22:10.456
he doesn't worry[br]about looking too masculine

0:22:10.480,0:22:12.976
and therefore not being taken for granted.

0:22:13.000,0:22:15.496
If a woman has to get ready[br]for business meeting,

0:22:15.520,0:22:18.296
she has to worry[br]about looking too feminine

0:22:18.320,0:22:22.600
and what it says and whether or not[br]she will be taken seriously.

0:22:24.000,0:22:26.200
I wish I had not worn[br]that ugly suit that day.

0:22:27.440,0:22:30.576
I've actually banished it[br]from my closet, by the way.

0:22:30.600,0:22:35.536
Had I then the confidence[br]that I have now to be myself,

0:22:35.560,0:22:38.496
my students would have benefited[br]even more from my teaching,

0:22:38.520,0:22:40.576
because I would have been more comfortable

0:22:40.600,0:22:42.600
and more fully and more truly myself.

0:22:43.800,0:22:47.816
I have chosen to no longer[br]be apologetic for my femaleness

0:22:47.840,0:22:49.040
and for my femininity.

0:22:49.680,0:22:52.680
(Applause)

0:22:55.800,0:22:58.656
And I want to be respected[br]in all of my femaleness

0:22:58.680,0:23:00.240
because I deserve to be.

0:23:01.200,0:23:03.640
Gender is not an easy[br]conversation to have.

0:23:05.080,0:23:06.656
For both men and women,

0:23:06.680,0:23:10.616
to bring up gender is sometimes[br]to encounter almost immediate resistance.

0:23:10.640,0:23:13.896
I can imagine some people here[br]are actually thinking,

0:23:13.920,0:23:15.840
"Women too do sef."

0:23:17.520,0:23:19.696
Some of the men here might be thinking,

0:23:19.720,0:23:21.456
"OK, all of this is interesting,

0:23:21.480,0:23:23.040
but I don't think like that."

0:23:23.960,0:23:26.176
And that is part of the problem.

0:23:26.200,0:23:29.176
That many men do not[br]actively think about gender

0:23:29.200,0:23:30.696
or notice gender

0:23:30.720,0:23:32.736
is part of the problem of gender.

0:23:32.760,0:23:35.416
That many men, say, like my friend Louis,

0:23:35.440,0:23:37.120
that everything is fine now.

0:23:38.160,0:23:41.016
And that many men do nothing to change it.

0:23:41.040,0:23:43.896
If you are a man and you walk[br]into a restaurant with a woman

0:23:43.920,0:23:45.600
and the waiter greets only you,

0:23:46.400,0:23:48.896
does it occur to you to ask the waiter,

0:23:48.920,0:23:50.480
"Why haven't you greeted her?"

0:23:53.320,0:23:54.816
Because gender can be --

0:23:54.840,0:23:56.920
(Laughter)

0:24:04.880,0:24:09.376
Actually, we may repose[br]part of a longer version of this talk.

0:24:09.400,0:24:12.976
So, because gender can be[br]a very uncomfortable conversation to have,

0:24:13.000,0:24:16.096
there are very easy ways to close it,[br]to close the conversation.

0:24:16.120,0:24:20.296
So some people will bring up[br]evolutionary biology and apes,

0:24:20.320,0:24:23.976
how, you know, female apes[br]bow down to male apes

0:24:24.000,0:24:25.240
and that sort of thing.

0:24:25.880,0:24:27.936
But the point is we're not apes.

0:24:27.960,0:24:29.376
(Laughter)

0:24:29.400,0:24:33.400
(Applause)

0:24:34.160,0:24:38.976
Apes also live on trees[br]and have earthworms for breakfast,

0:24:39.000,0:24:40.200
and we don't.

0:24:41.240,0:24:45.240
Some people will say,[br]"Well, poor men also have a hard time."

0:24:45.880,0:24:47.080
And this is true.

0:24:47.920,0:24:49.256
But that is not what this --

0:24:49.280,0:24:50.376
(Laughter)

0:24:50.400,0:24:53.080
But this is not[br]what this conversation is about.

0:24:54.480,0:24:58.256
Gender and class[br]are different forms of oppression.

0:24:58.280,0:25:01.936
I actually learned quite a bit[br]about systems of oppression

0:25:01.960,0:25:04.416
and how they can be blind to one another

0:25:04.440,0:25:05.920
by talking to black men.

0:25:07.320,0:25:10.496
I was once talking[br]to a black man about gender

0:25:10.520,0:25:11.896
and he said to me,

0:25:11.920,0:25:15.376
"Why do you have to say[br]'my experience as a woman'?

0:25:15.400,0:25:16.616
Why can't it be

0:25:16.640,0:25:18.520
'your experience as a human being'?"

0:25:19.840,0:25:21.096
Now, this was the same man

0:25:21.120,0:25:24.120
who would often talk[br]about his experience as a black man.

0:25:27.360,0:25:28.576
Gender matters.

0:25:28.600,0:25:31.096
Men and women[br]experience the world differently.

0:25:31.120,0:25:33.936
Gender colors the way[br]we experience the world.

0:25:33.960,0:25:35.360
But we can change that.

0:25:36.520,0:25:38.456
Some people will say,

0:25:38.480,0:25:40.936
"Oh, but women have the real power,

0:25:40.960,0:25:42.736
bottom power."

0:25:42.760,0:25:45.656
And for non-Nigerians,[br]bottom power is an expression

0:25:45.680,0:25:47.536
which I suppose means[br]something like a woman

0:25:47.560,0:25:50.320
who uses her sexuality[br]to get favors from men.

0:25:51.200,0:25:53.920
But bottom power is not power at all.

0:25:56.400,0:25:59.176
Bottom power means that a woman

0:25:59.200,0:26:02.096
simply has a good root to tap into,[br]from time to time --

0:26:02.120,0:26:03.560
somebody else's power.

0:26:04.640,0:26:06.496
And then, of course, we have to wonder

0:26:06.520,0:26:09.176
what happens when[br]that somebody else is in a bad mood,

0:26:09.200,0:26:10.576
or sick

0:26:10.600,0:26:11.800
or impotent.

0:26:12.280,0:26:15.696
(Laughter)

0:26:15.720,0:26:21.960
Some people will say that a woman[br]being subordinate to a man is our culture.

0:26:22.640,0:26:24.616
But culture is constantly changing.

0:26:24.640,0:26:29.296
I have beautiful twin nieces[br]who are fifteen and live in Lagos.

0:26:29.320,0:26:31.280
If they had been born a hundred years ago

0:26:32.000,0:26:34.136
they would have been[br]taken away and killed.

0:26:34.160,0:26:37.200
Because it was our culture,[br]it was our culture to kill twins.

0:26:39.040,0:26:40.760
So what is the point of culture?

0:26:41.480,0:26:43.056
I mean there's the decorative,

0:26:43.080,0:26:44.696
the dancing ...

0:26:44.720,0:26:49.336
but also, culture really is about[br]preservation and continuity of a people.

0:26:49.360,0:26:50.616
In my family,

0:26:50.640,0:26:53.816
I am the child who is most interested[br]in the story of who we are,

0:26:53.840,0:26:55.096
in our traditions,

0:26:55.120,0:26:57.296
in the knowledge about ancestral lands.

0:26:57.320,0:26:59.896
My brothers are not as interested as I am.

0:26:59.920,0:27:01.360
But I cannot participate,

0:27:02.200,0:27:04.216
I cannot go to umunna meetings,

0:27:04.240,0:27:05.976
I cannot have a say.

0:27:06.000,0:27:07.200
Because I'm female.

0:27:08.080,0:27:10.176
Culture does not make people,

0:27:10.200,0:27:11.600
people make culture.

0:27:12.920,0:27:14.696
So if it is in fact true --

0:27:14.720,0:27:18.216
(Applause)

0:27:18.240,0:27:19.856
So if it is in fact true

0:27:19.880,0:27:22.776
that the full humanity of women[br]is not our culture,

0:27:22.800,0:27:24.520
then we must make it our culture.

0:27:26.040,0:27:31.656
I think very often of my dear friend,[br]Okoloma Maduewesi.

0:27:31.680,0:27:35.656
May he and all the others[br]who passed away in that Sosoliso crash

0:27:35.680,0:27:37.160
continue to rest in peace.

0:27:38.400,0:27:41.480
He will always be remembered[br]by those of us who loved him.

0:27:42.880,0:27:47.376
And he was right that day many years ago[br]when he called me a feminist.

0:27:47.400,0:27:48.640
I am a feminist.

0:27:49.400,0:27:52.096
And when I looked up the word[br]in the dictionary that day,

0:27:52.120,0:27:53.376
this is what it said:

0:27:53.400,0:27:56.776
"Feminist: a person[br]who believes in the social, political

0:27:56.800,0:28:00.496
and economic equality of the sexes."

0:28:00.520,0:28:03.456
My great grandmother,[br]from the stories I've heard,

0:28:03.480,0:28:05.056
was a feminist.

0:28:05.080,0:28:08.456
She ran away from the house of the man[br]she did not want to marry

0:28:08.480,0:28:10.560
and ended up marrying[br]the man of her choice.

0:28:11.160,0:28:14.136
She refused, she protested, she spoke up

0:28:14.160,0:28:19.456
whenever she felt she was being deprived[br]of access, of land, that sort of thing.

0:28:19.480,0:28:22.776
My great grandmother[br]did not know that word "feminist,"

0:28:22.800,0:28:24.720
but it doesn't mean that she wasn't one.

0:28:26.160,0:28:28.080
More of us should reclaim that word.

0:28:30.040,0:28:32.440
My own definition of feminist is:

0:28:33.200,0:28:35.576
"A feminist is a man or a woman

0:28:35.600,0:28:36.800
who says --

0:28:37.480,0:28:40.616
(Laughter)

0:28:40.640,0:28:44.400
(Applause)

0:28:46.600,0:28:49.856
A feminist is a man or a woman who says,

0:28:49.880,0:28:53.176
"Yes, there's a problem[br]with gender as it is today,

0:28:53.200,0:28:54.496
and we must fix it.

0:28:54.520,0:28:56.240
We must do better."

0:28:57.960,0:29:00.016
The best feminist I know

0:29:00.040,0:29:01.360
is my brother Kene.

0:29:02.920,0:29:06.816
He's also a kind,[br]good-looking, lovely man,

0:29:06.840,0:29:08.600
and he's very masculine.

0:29:09.320,0:29:10.536
Thank you.

0:29:10.560,0:29:14.840
(Applause)