WEBVTT

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- Hey everybody.

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Today, we're gonna talk about

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how to healthily be in a relationship

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with someone who has borderline
personality disorder.

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Before we jump into this important topic,

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are you new to my channel?

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Welcome.

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I release videos on
Mondays and on Thursdays

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all about mental health,

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so make sure you're subscribed

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and have your notifications
turned on so you don't miss out.

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Now first, as always,

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let's define what borderline
personality disorder,

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or BPD, really is,

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and what it can mean for
those in relationships

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with someone who has it.

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Now, BPD is a mental illness

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marked by an ongoing
pattern of varying moods,

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self-image, and behavior.

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These symptoms often
result in impulsive actions

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and problems in relationships.

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Some of the symptoms I'm talking about

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are intense fear of rejection,
separation, or abandonment;

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rapid changes between
thinking someone's perfect

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to believing they're evil;

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risky behaviors including
unsafe sex, gambling,

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drug use, or accumulating
credit card debt;

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threats of suicide or self-harm;

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difficulty empathizing with other people;

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mood swings from euphoria

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to intense shame or self-criticism;

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and frequently losing one's temper.

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People with borderline
personality disorder

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tend to view things in extremes
such as all good or all bad,

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and their opinions of other people

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can also change really quickly.

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An individual who's
seen as a friend one day

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may be considered an enemy
or a traitor the next.

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And these shifting feelings can lead

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to intense and unstable relationships.

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I've often referred to those with BPD

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as emotional burn victims

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because they feel everything
in life very intensely

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and are sensitive to any
shifts or perceived wrongs.

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And I also feel it's important to mention

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that BPD is called other
things in other countries

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and in some blogs online.

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Some refer to BPD as emotionally unstable

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personality disorder or
emotion disregulation disorder,

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but as far as I know and
was taught in school,

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borderline personality disorder

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is the only actual diagnosis.

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Even if we call it something else,

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it still shows the same symptoms of BPD.

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Also, if you want to learn
the full diagnostic criteria

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for BPD, you can click the
link in the description

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for my video all about it.

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Now, as I'm sure you can see,

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it could be really hard
to be in a relationship

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with someone who has BPD

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because they can be impulsive,
easily upset, and reactive.

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But there are some tools
that we can utilize

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to ensure a much healthier
and happier situation.

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And my first tool?

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Learn about borderline
personality disorder.

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How can we manage something
that we don't even understand?

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We can't.

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So we need to talk with our
loved one about their BPD

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and how they're experiencing it.

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Because everyone's gonna be different

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and they'll struggle
with different symptoms

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more than others.

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So talk with them.

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Seek to understand, not judge.

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There are also two books
that I always recommend

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to those who are close
to someone with BPD.

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They are, number one, I
Hate You, Don't Leave Me,

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and number two, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

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They're both great for
understanding the diagnosis,

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but also how we can
better manage the symptoms

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that are hurting our relationship.

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And I will link those in the description

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if you want to click over
and buy those for yourself.

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Number two, trying to keep
your home life with them

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as calm and relaxed as possible.

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I know it's not always possible,
but just doing our best

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because those with BPD do really well

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in situations that are predictable.

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So keeping home life as
upset-free as possible is best,

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and it can often mitigate any
crisis they may be feeling.

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Also, if they're in crisis mode,

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it's not a good time to bring up any issue

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you may be having with them

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or tell them they need to get help.

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Remaining calm and relaxed
until the crisis passes is best,

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and then you can bring up something

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that may be upsetting you.

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Number three, now if
we're gonna talk with them

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about something that is upsetting us,

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that moves us into our next
tip, keeping it simple.

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Since those with BPD can
be constantly reacting

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out of their emotion mind,

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meaning not their very
logical or reasonable one,

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it will be hard for them to actually hear

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and understand what you're saying

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without getting upset
and lashing back at you.

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They can even take simple statements

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and turn them into personal attacks.

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So instead of always fighting

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or feeling like we can't every speak up,

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just keep it simple.

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by keeping our sentences
short, simple, and direct,

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you'll give them a chance
to actually hear you

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and hopefully not react,

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but respond with understanding and love.

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Number four, creating and
upholding healthy boundaries.

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Those with BPD need boundaries.

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Setting a boundary can sometimes

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snap them out of their delusional thinking

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because they often turn one thing you did

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into a much larger issue

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or take something you said out of context

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and then get more angry about it.

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So by holding up healthy
and reasonable boundaries,

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you prevent them from spiraling

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into their black and
white thinking pattern

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and making things a lot worse.

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And in all honesty, as a clinician

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who works with a lot of BPD patients,

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it makes them feel better

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and it calms them down more quickly.

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So a little tough love and
a little boundary setting

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can go a long, long way.

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My fifth tip, calling their bluff.

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Surprisingly, I promise,
it's also really helpful.

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But just before I get into that,

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creating boundaries
and calling their bluff

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both require that you build
up their self-esteem first,

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meaning we can't enter
a relationship with them

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calling them on their shit

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and telling them that
they're crossing a boundary.

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We can't do that out of the blue.

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We have to let them know we care first

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and can see all the
wonderful traits about them.

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I mean, after all, there is a reason

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that you're in a relationship
with them, right?

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Once you've done that,

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you need to learn to be
assertive, hold your ground.

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It's okay to say you didn't do

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what they're claiming you did

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and you won't engage in
that sort of a conversation.

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Or you can tell them that they're blowing

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this whole thing way out of proportion.

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If we always give in to them

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when they're engaging
in their BPD behavior,

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it will only make things worse.

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Because think about it, we're
creating a cycle, right?

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If they believe that what
they're saying is true

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and we react out of it,
we're almost sabotaging it

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and telling them yes, I did act like this,

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and yes, I am a jerk.

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If we just hold our ground and say no,

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we can stop that cycle
from getting started.

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Also, I think it's
really important to know

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that giving them control all the time

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doesn't end up making them feel better

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or more safe or secure.

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It actually causes the opposite to happen.

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So calling them on
their misinterpretations

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and black and white thinking sounds crazy,

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but I promise you, it's best.

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Number six, take their suicide

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or self-injury threats seriously.

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I know these are common
among those with BPD,

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and many see these threats as manipulative

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and done for attention,
but what you don't know

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is that roughly 10% of those
with BPD die from suicide,

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which means that if they're threatening

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to kill or harm themselves,

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or even if they're just telling you

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they've been thinking
about it or planning it,

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we need to get some
professional help involved ASAP.

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Call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline.

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In short, recognize that
they are in deep, deep pain

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and express your concern

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while still maintaining
your healthy boundaries.

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Number seven, encouraging
them to seek therapy.

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Unlike a lot of other diagnoses,

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most BPD people welcome
the idea of therapy,

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and I believe this is
because they're uncomfortable

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with how they feel

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and would love to find
a way to make that stop,

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which is why there is hope

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and many people with BPD do fully recover.

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I just want you to hear that.

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Many people with BPD do fully recover,

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so supporting them in these efforts

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can be great for your
lasting relationship.

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Now DBT has been shown

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to be the most effective
type of treatment.

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We've talked about that before.

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But if it's not available, CBT can help,

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Schema therapy can help,

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attachment-based therapies have
been shown to work as well,

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and also, some medication options.

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The most important thing

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is that this treatment
is regularly scheduled

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and we understand that it'll be long-term.

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But just as a reminder,

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don't bring this up when you're fighting

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or in the middle of a crisis.

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Wait until things are calmer

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and you can actually
talk with them about it

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in a loving and supportive way,

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showing that you really care

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and that's why you want
them to get help and support

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because you want your
relationship to grow.

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Number eight, get outside
emotional support for you.

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We all need this in relationships,

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but especially if we're trying to remain

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calm and supportive,

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maybe even when we don't
really feel like doing that.

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Having other friends and family members

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that we can lean on when we
need it is really important.

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Make time for that as well as
some regular self-care time.

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This will allow you to be strong

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and assertive when you need to

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and to keep your relationship
happy and healthy.

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I would also encourage you to
get into therapy for yourself.

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This will not only be a safe place

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for you to get the support you need,

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but it allows you to talk
about your relationship

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without any judgment or pressure.

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You can get some helpful tools
for managing crises or upsets

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and you can also learn how to
place and uphold boundaries

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and how to lovingly be
assertive with them.

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Overall, loving someone with
BPD can be difficult at times,

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but it can also be really rewarding,

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just like any relationship.

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And by learning how to clearly communicate

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and diffuse any crisis situation

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should allow your relationship
to grow and thrive.

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This video has been brought to you

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by the kinions on Patreon.

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If you would like to support the creation

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of these mental health videos,

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click the link in the
description and check it out.

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And I hope these tips are helpful

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and give you the tools you need

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to strengthen that relationship.

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But as always, what do you think?

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How have you helped
your loved one with BPD?

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Or if you have BPD, what's
worked in your relationships?

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Let me know in those comments down below

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and I will see you next time.

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Bye.