WEBVTT

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When my son Miles
was three years old, he fell in love.

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The object of his affection was a game:

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hide-and-seek.

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And though I love Miles dearly,
I'm not afraid to tell you

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that he was terrible at it.

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(Laughter)

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First, because he would tell you
where he was going to hide.

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He would say, "Daddy,
you count, I hide in here."

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(Laughter)

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The second reason
he was terrible at hide-and-seek

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is because after finding his hiding place,

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he would get himself into his tight spot,

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and then he would spend
the entire time there giggling.

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(Laughter)

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I'm sorry, but if you're
playing hide-and-seek

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and you emit a continuous beacon of sound,

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you're just bad at it!

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(Laughter)

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And the third reason
he was bad at hide-and-seek

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is because of what would happen
after the counting.

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He would go and hide,
I would put my face against the wall -

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and you know how this works, right? -

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" ... 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! Ready or not!"

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(Audience) Here I come.

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"Okay!"

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(Laughter)

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One night right before bed,
we were playing hide-and-seek,

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and he went to hide
in his sister's room, and I counted.

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And I went down the hallway to find him,

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and I turned the corner
to go into his sister's room,

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and what I saw in front of me
made me go like this.

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And I was so glad at that moment
that I had my cell phone in my pocket,

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because I pulled it out
and I snapped a picture.

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And I'm going to show
that picture to you now,

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and I want you to look closely.

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I apologize that it's
a little dark and grainy,

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but see if you can find Miles.

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(Laughter)

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I told you he was bad at it.

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(Laughter)

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If you can't tell, he is laying
on his sister's giant pink unicorn

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with a Disney Princesses
pillow over his face ...

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How many of you here have kids?

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And have seen something
like this before? Yes?

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So you know what's happening here.

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Miles believes what?

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That because he can't see me,
I must not be able to see him.

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And if you have kids,
you know that this is something

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that he will eventually
grow out of, right?

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Well ...

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(Laughter)

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It turns out ... only in part.

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It turns out

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that while Miles will eventually
grow into the ability

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to orient himself
to another person's perspective

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as far as what they physically see,

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it will be a rare thing indeed

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for him to orient himself
to another person's perspective

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to better understand
why they say what they say

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and do what they do.

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It turns out that as adults,
we're pretty bad at that.

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We don't do it often.

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We don't do it well.

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And that has everything to do with why
gossip starts and spreads at work.

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Now, I'm going to share a little bit of
the psychology behind this with you today,

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but first I want to talk about
what happens at work

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when one person is
a little honked off at somebody else.

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Oh, but in fairness to Miles,

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I should tell you he's not the only
Mull child who was bad at hide-and-seek.

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His older sister Lilly was not exactly
a cat burglar either.

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(Laughter)

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Let's talk about what happens at work

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when one person is upset or bothered
by something said or done by another.

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When employee number 1

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is upset or bothered by something said
or done by employee number 2,

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does employee number 1
go to employee number 2 and say,

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"Excuse me ...

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(Chuckling)

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This happened,

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I'm having a little bit of a reaction.

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Why don't we sit down
and talk about it like adults?"

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Does that happen where you work?

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Audience: No.

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What does employee number 1 do instead?

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They go to another,
they phone a friend - you got it.

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They go to a co-worker,
a peer, a friend, a confidant,

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and they say, "Hey, come here."

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Now, for our educational purposes today,

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let's pretend that these people
all work together in a doctor's office.

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Employee number 1 goes
to their colleague and say,

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"Hey, come here.

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Do you believe that I have roomed
14 patients this morning,

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and she has only roomed 3?

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I don't know what her deal is,
but I am done with her."

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And now, here's the interesting thing:

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the other person has almost
the exact same reaction every time,

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regardless of the industry they work in,

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their job title,

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or the nature of
the complaint they just heard.

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In almost every case,

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when employee number 1 goes
to their friend, their compatriot at work,

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and says, "Hey, get this,"

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the other person hears the complaint,
and then leans in and says,

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"I know! "

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(Laughter)

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"She did that to me last week too!"

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"Uh-huh.’’ "Uh-huh.’’ "Uh-huh.’’

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And then all of a sudden,

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we've got ourselves
a little drama triangle.

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This is how drama starts in the workplace.

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And now, to be clear, I'm not using
that term, "drama triangle," to be cute.

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This is a predictable pattern
of human behavior

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that has been around for decades

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and was first published in the late '60s

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by a psychotherapist
named Stephen Karpman.

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And when he published it,
he named it "the drama triangle."

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Now, these types of patterns of behavior
don't just happen at work.

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They happen in groups
of all shapes and sizes.

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If you go to a church, this happens there.

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If you live in a neighborhood,
this happens there.

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This even happens in your own family.

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Tell the truth:

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when you're frustrated with your mom,

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do you call your mom,
or do you call your sister?

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(Laughter)

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"Listen, I'm done with Mom.
You talk to her."

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(Laughter)

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And this is such a predictable,
common pattern of behavior

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that these roles have names.

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Employee number 1 is called "the victim."

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That's how they see themselves.

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"I am being wronged in some way
by employee number 2."

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The other person is called "the rescuer."

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That's how they see themselves.

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"My colleague needs me,
my help, my counsel, my advice.

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They need me to be an ear
and to be supportive."

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And that's bunk.

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They're really only there for two reasons.

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First, it's nice to be included
in the scuttlebutt,

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and second,

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"I'm kind of a little bit glad
it's not about me."

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And then, the third person
is called "the persecutor."

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And I'm sorry for my handwriting.

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But that is how they are viewed
by the other folks in this drama triangle.

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They're a bad person, of bad character,

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making bad choices.

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Now, drama triangles form
for a couple of reasons.

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Most simply to understand
is that they are just easier.

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It is almost always easier
for employee number 1

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to seek out the comfort of validation

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than it is to step into
the discomfort of confrontation.

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It's easier to find someone
to tell you you're right

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than it is to go have
an uncomfortable conversation

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where you could be wrong or look foolish.

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But the reality is there is
a lot more happening here

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that takes place before anybody
in this pattern talks to anybody else.

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It turns out there are some shortcuts
that our brains take

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that lead us into this
predictable pattern of behavior

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without us even knowing it has happened.

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Let me give you an example.

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What do you assume
about someone who is late to work?

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"Lazy," "They don't care,"

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"Selfish."

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Listen to all the answers that come out.

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When I ask this question in workshops

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or when I'm doing team development work
with an organization,

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the answers that come out
in response to that question

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are almost always
a list of character flaws.

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"They're lazy, uncommitted,"

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"They don't care,"
"They're not organized" -

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it's some version of

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"They didn't do what they needed to do

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to be where they needed to be
when they needed to be there."

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But what about when you're late to work?

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What's the reason then?

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Traffic?
(Laughter)

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Whatever the reason,
it's a good one, isn't it?

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(Laughter)

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The truth is that we are hardwired

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to more favorably judge ourselves
and more harshly judge others.

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These are shortcuts
that our brains take every day,

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biases that our brains have in favor of us

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and against everybody else.

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The first bias I want you to be aware of
that leads to gossip at work

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is called "the illusory superiority bias."

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I don't need you to remember the name;
I just want you to know what it means.

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We are hardwired to inflate
and overestimate our talents,

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capabilities, judgment.

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The most famous example of this
is a study that was done of drivers,

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that asked drivers to rate
their skill behind the wheel.

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And do you know that 93% of drivers

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would rate themselves
as an above-average driver?

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I'm going to let you sit
with that one for a minute.

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(Laughter)

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In other words, 93% of drivers
would rate themselves as better

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than 50% of all drivers.

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You know this too.

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You see it where you work.

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Let's imagine for a moment that I brought
everybody at your company into this room,

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and I said, "Congratulations,
everybody here is getting a raise -

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somewhere between 2% and 4%,
based on merit.

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Here's an index card.

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Write down on this card

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what percentage of pay increase
you believe you should get."

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First off, what does nobody write down?

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Nobody writes down 2%.

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You know what else nobody writes down?

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3%.

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(Laughter)

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Nobody raises their hand
and says, "I'm average."

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They write 3.1%.

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And you have a couple of people
working for you who write 4%.

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And the one guys who's like 7% -

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who cleaned out the skanky staff
refrigerator in the lounge this week?

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This guy right here.

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Boom!

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(Laughter)

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We overestimate
our own skills and abilities.

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We even do this at home.

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How many of you have ever planned
a Saturday project around the house

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and thought, "This will take me
about four hours,"

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and it took you four weekends?

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(Laughter)

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We are hardwired to more favorably
judge ourselves than we should.

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It's almost as if there's an angel
sitting on our shoulder,

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whispering in our ear every day,

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"You are the best."

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(Laughter)

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"You are such a good person."

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(Laughter)

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"You're amazing!"

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And we believe her.

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(Laughter)

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But here's the rub:

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the angel doesn't ride alone.

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On the other shoulder sits a devil
who also whispers in our ear

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and whose job it is
to evaluate everybody else.

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The devil is another bias
we carry with us every day,

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called "the fundamental
attribution error."

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You see, social science
researchers have figured out

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that when we evaluate
another person's choices or behavior,

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we decide that it is due
not to situations but to character.

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In other words, when you see someone
do a questionable thing,

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you immediately decide
they're of questionable character.

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That guy who cut you off in traffic?

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"Who does he think he is?

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He must be selfish, entitled.
What an idiot!"

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That co-worker who's moving slowly today?

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"Doesn't care, doesn't try."

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What do you assume
about someone who's late to work?

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"Lazy," "Unorganized," "Uncommitted."

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We have a devil who sits on our shoulder
every day and whispers into our ear,

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and what they whisper
into our ear is a made-up story

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about why people do what they do,

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and that story almost always
assumes malice.

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So why does gossip start
and spread at work?

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Because like a three-year-old
playing hide-and-seek,

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we get so caught up in the moment,

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that we don't pause to orient ourself
to another person's perspective,

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to better understand
why they do what they do

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and say what they say.

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Instead, the biases of our brains
whisper in our ears every single day

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that, "On a scale of 1 to 10,
I'm a 7, baby,

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and everybody else is a 4."

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And when we start to believe that,
when we listen to those biases,

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when we decide that our choices
and behavior are virtuous

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and that others' are less so,

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it gives us permission
to experience contempt.

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And then, we invite others
to join us in that contempt.

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The truth is, if you want to cut down
on gossip in the workplace,

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there are two core behaviors you need
to ask your team to make a commitment to:

00:12:43.232 --> 00:12:45.018
assume good intent

00:12:45.018 --> 00:12:46.859
and go to the source.

00:12:46.859 --> 00:12:51.732
Assuming good intent is simply pausing
and asking a very important question:

00:12:52.653 --> 00:12:56.883
"What would be a perfectly legitimate
explanation for this person's behavior?"

00:12:57.683 --> 00:13:00.163
"What would make
a good person act this way?"

00:13:00.723 --> 00:13:02.496
That guy who cut you off in traffic?

00:13:02.496 --> 00:13:05.910
Maybe he is an entitled jerk,

00:13:05.910 --> 00:13:09.396
or maybe he's on the way to the hospital
for a family emergency.

00:13:09.396 --> 00:13:11.221
That co-worker who's moving slowly?

00:13:11.221 --> 00:13:12.895
Yeah, maybe she doesn't care,

00:13:12.895 --> 00:13:15.728
or maybe her boss asked her to slow down.

00:13:17.208 --> 00:13:19.077
That person who was late to work?

00:13:19.077 --> 00:13:21.984
Maybe their kid spilled
orange juice on their pants

00:13:21.984 --> 00:13:24.300
right when they were walking out the door.

00:13:24.780 --> 00:13:28.562
Assuming good intent is how
we mute the devil on our shoulder

00:13:28.562 --> 00:13:32.325
because it pushes contempt aside,

00:13:32.325 --> 00:13:34.859
and it forces us to reach for empathy.

00:13:35.459 --> 00:13:39.595
"Why would a good person act this way?"
is a question we can ask ourselves

00:13:39.595 --> 00:13:44.090
that immediately turns us into a more
emotionally intelligent member of a team.

00:13:44.520 --> 00:13:47.050
The other behavior is to go to the source,

00:13:47.050 --> 00:13:49.467
is to do exactly what I described earlier,

00:13:49.837 --> 00:13:51.232
to go to a co-worker and say,

00:13:51.232 --> 00:13:54.191
"Hey, this happened, it's bothering me,
I'm having a reaction.

00:13:54.191 --> 00:13:55.455
We should talk about it."

00:13:55.455 --> 00:13:57.510
And if you can get
the members of your teams

00:13:57.510 --> 00:14:00.581
to commit to just those two behaviors,

00:14:00.581 --> 00:14:04.603
well, you've just planted
the building blocks for teamwork

00:14:04.603 --> 00:14:09.822
because those are core behaviors that lead
to healthy conflict in the workplace

00:14:09.822 --> 00:14:14.449
and steer us away from patterns
of unhealthy conflict.

00:14:14.449 --> 00:14:16.982
Oh, and you'll still have
some gossip in the corners

00:14:16.982 --> 00:14:19.618
and whispered conversations
in the hallways,

00:14:19.618 --> 00:14:22.669
but they will sound
a little bit different.

00:14:22.669 --> 00:14:26.062
Now, employee number 1
goes to a co-worker and says,

00:14:26.062 --> 00:14:27.474
"Hey,

00:14:27.474 --> 00:14:31.114
do you believe that Jane
pulled Jack aside this morning

00:14:31.114 --> 00:14:32.762
and said that it was bothering her

00:14:32.762 --> 00:14:35.391
that he wasn't moving fast enough
or pulling his weight?

00:14:35.391 --> 00:14:37.023
And he handled that really well."

00:14:37.023 --> 00:14:41.548
At which point in time, the other person
can lean in and quietly reply,

00:14:41.548 --> 00:14:43.024
"I know!"

00:14:43.024 --> 00:14:44.696
(Laughter)

00:14:44.696 --> 00:14:46.063
Thank you.

00:14:46.063 --> 00:14:47.697
(Applause)