When my son Miles
was three years old, he fell in love.

The object of his affection was a game:

hide-and-seek.

And though I love Miles dearly,
I'm not afraid to tell you

that he was terrible at it.

(Laughter)

First, because he would tell you
where he was going to hide.

He would say, "Daddy,
you count, I hide in here."

(Laughter)

The second reason
he was terrible at hide-and-seek

is because after finding his hiding place,

he would get himself into his tight spot,

and then he would spend
the entire time there giggling.

(Laughter)

I'm sorry, but if you're
playing hide-and-seek

and you emit a continuous beacon of sound,

you're just bad at it!

(Laughter)

And the third reason
he was bad at hide-and-seek

is because of what would happen
after the counting.

He would go and hide,
I would put my face against the wall -

and you know how this works, right? -

" ... 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! Ready or not!"

(Audience) Here I come.

"Okay!"

(Laughter)

One night right before bed,
we were playing hide-and-seek,

and he went to hide
in his sister's room, and I counted.

And I went down the hallway to find him,

and I turned the corner
to go into his sister's room,

and what I saw in front of me
made me go like this.

And I was so glad at that moment
that I had my cell phone in my pocket,

because I pulled it out
and I snapped a picture.

And I'm going to show
that picture to you now,

and I want you to look closely.

I apologize that it's
a little dark and grainy,

but see if you can find Miles.

(Laughter)

I told you he was bad at it.

(Laughter)

If you can't tell, he is laying
on his sister's giant pink unicorn

with a Disney Princesses
pillow over his face ...

How many of you here have kids?

And have seen something
like this before? Yes?

So you know what's happening here.

Miles believes what?

That because he can't see me,
I must not be able to see him.

And if you have kids,
you know that this is something

that he will eventually
grow out of, right?

Well ...

(Laughter)

It turns out ... only in part.

It turns out

that while Miles will eventually
grow into the ability

to orient himself
to another person's perspective

as far as what they physically see,

it will be a rare thing indeed

for him to orient himself
to another person's perspective

to better understand
why they say what they say

and do what they do.

It turns out that as adults,
we're pretty bad at that.

We don't do it often.

We don't do it well.

And that has everything to do with why
gossip starts and spreads at work.

Now, I'm going to share a little bit of
the psychology behind this with you today,

but first I want to talk about
what happens at work

when one person is
a little honked off at somebody else.

Oh, but in fairness to Miles,

I should tell you he's not the only
Mull child who was bad at hide-and-seek.

His older sister Lilly was not exactly
a cat burglar either.

(Laughter)

Let's talk about what happens at work

when one person is upset or bothered
by something said or done by another.

When employee number 1

is upset or bothered by something said
or done by employee number 2,

does employee number 1
go to employee number 2 and say,

"Excuse me ...

(Chuckling)

This happened,

I'm having a little bit of a reaction.

Why don't we sit down
and talk about it like adults?"

Does that happen where you work?

Audience: No.

What does employee number 1 do instead?

They go to another,
they phone a friend - you got it.

They go to a co-worker,
a peer, a friend, a confidant,

and they say, "Hey, come here."

Now, for our educational purposes today,

let's pretend that these people
all work together in a doctor's office.

Employee number 1 goes
to their colleague and say,

"Hey, come here.

Do you believe that I have roomed
14 patients this morning,

and she has only roomed 3?

I don't know what her deal is,
but I am done with her."

And now, here's the interesting thing:

the other person has almost
the exact same reaction every time,

regardless of the industry they work in,

their job title,

or the nature of
the complaint they just heard.

In almost every case,

when employee number 1 goes
to their friend, their compatriot at work,

and says, "Hey, get this,"

the other person hears the complaint,
and then leans in and says,

"I know! "

(Laughter)

"She did that to me last week too!"

"Uh-huh.’’ "Uh-huh.’’ "Uh-huh.’’

And then all of a sudden,

we've got ourselves
a little drama triangle.

This is how drama starts in the workplace.

And now, to be clear, I'm not using
that term, "drama triangle," to be cute.

This is a predictable pattern
of human behavior

that has been around for decades

and was first published in the late '60s

by a psychotherapist
named Stephen Karpman.

And when he published it,
he named it "the drama triangle."

Now, these types of patterns of behavior
don't just happen at work.

They happen in groups
of all shapes and sizes.

If you go to a church, this happens there.

If you live in a neighborhood,
this happens there.

This even happens in your own family.

Tell the truth:

when you're frustrated with your mom,

do you call your mom,
or do you call your sister?

(Laughter)

"Listen, I'm done with Mom.
You talk to her."

(Laughter)

And this is such a predictable,
common pattern of behavior

that these roles have names.

Employee number 1 is called "the victim."

That's how they see themselves.

"I am being wronged in some way
by employee number 2."

The other person is called "the rescuer."

That's how they see themselves.

"My colleague needs me,
my help, my counsel, my advice.

They need me to be an ear
and to be supportive."

And that's bunk.

They're really only there for two reasons.

First, it's nice to be included
in the scuttlebutt,

and second,

"I'm kind of a little bit glad
it's not about me."

And then, the third person
is called "the persecutor."

And I'm sorry for my handwriting.

But that is how they are viewed
by the other folks in this drama triangle.

They're a bad person, of bad character,

making bad choices.

Now, drama triangles form
for a couple of reasons.

Most simply to understand
is that they are just easier.

It is almost always easier
for employee number 1

to seek out the comfort of validation

than it is to step into
the discomfort of confrontation.

It's easier to find someone
to tell you you're right

than it is to go have
an uncomfortable conversation

where you could be wrong or look foolish.

But the reality is there is
a lot more happening here

that takes place before anybody
in this pattern talks to anybody else.

It turns out there are some shortcuts
that our brains take

that lead us into this
predictable pattern of behavior

without us even knowing it has happened.

Let me give you an example.

What do you assume
about someone who is late to work?

"Lazy," "They don't care,"

"Selfish."

Listen to all the answers that come out.

When I ask this question in workshops

or when I'm doing team development work
with an organization,

the answers that come out
in response to that question

are almost always
a list of character flaws.

"They're lazy, uncommitted,"

"They don't care,"
"They're not organized" -

it's some version of

"They didn't do what they needed to do

to be where they needed to be
when they needed to be there."

But what about when you're late to work?

What's the reason then?

Traffic?
(Laughter)

Whatever the reason,
it's a good one, isn't it?

(Laughter)

The truth is that we are hardwired

to more favorably judge ourselves
and more harshly judge others.

These are shortcuts
that our brains take every day,

biases that our brains have in favor of us

and against everybody else.

The first bias I want you to be aware of
that leads to gossip at work

is called "the illusory superiority bias."

I don't need you to remember the name;
I just want you to know what it means.

We are hardwired to inflate
and overestimate our talents,

capabilities, judgment.

The most famous example of this
is a study that was done of drivers,

that asked drivers to rate
their skill behind the wheel.

And do you know that 93% of drivers

would rate themselves
as an above-average driver?

I'm going to let you sit
with that one for a minute.

(Laughter)

In other words, 93% of drivers
would rate themselves as better

than 50% of all drivers.

You know this too.

You see it where you work.

Let's imagine for a moment that I brought
everybody at your company into this room,

and I said, "Congratulations,
everybody here is getting a raise -

somewhere between 2% and 4%,
based on merit.

Here's an index card.

Write down on this card

what percentage of pay increase
you believe you should get."

First off, what does nobody write down?

Nobody writes down 2%.

You know what else nobody writes down?

3%.

(Laughter)

Nobody raises their hand
and says, "I'm average."

They write 3.1%.

And you have a couple of people
working for you who write 4%.

And the one guys who's like 7% -

who cleaned out the skanky staff
refrigerator in the lounge this week?

This guy right here.

Boom!

(Laughter)

We overestimate
our own skills and abilities.

We even do this at home.

How many of you have ever planned
a Saturday project around the house

and thought, "This will take me
about four hours,"

and it took you four weekends?

(Laughter)

We are hardwired to more favorably
judge ourselves than we should.

It's almost as if there's an angel
sitting on our shoulder,

whispering in our ear every day,

"You are the best."

(Laughter)

"You are such a good person."

(Laughter)

"You're amazing!"

And we believe her.

(Laughter)

But here's the rub:

the angel doesn't ride alone.

On the other shoulder sits a devil
who also whispers in our ear

and whose job it is
to evaluate everybody else.

The devil is another bias
we carry with us every day,

called "the fundamental
attribution error."

You see, social science
researchers have figured out

that when we evaluate
another person's choices or behavior,

we decide that it is due
not to situations but to character.

In other words, when you see someone
do a questionable thing,

you immediately decide
they're of questionable character.

That guy who cut you off in traffic?

"Who does he think he is?

He must be selfish, entitled.
What an idiot!"

That co-worker who's moving slowly today?

"Doesn't care, doesn't try."

What do you assume
about someone who's late to work?

"Lazy," "Unorganized," "Uncommitted."

We have a devil who sits on our shoulder
every day and whispers into our ear,

and what they whisper
into our ear is a made-up story

about why people do what they do,

and that story almost always
assumes malice.

So why does gossip start
and spread at work?

Because like a three-year-old
playing hide-and-seek,

we get so caught up in the moment,

that we don't pause to orient ourself
to another person's perspective,

to better understand
why they do what they do

and say what they say.

Instead, the biases of our brains
whisper in our ears every single day

that, "On a scale of 1 to 10,
I'm a 7, baby,

and everybody else is a 4."

And when we start to believe that,
when we listen to those biases,

when we decide that our choices
and behavior are virtuous

and that others' are less so,

it gives us permission
to experience contempt.

And then, we invite others
to join us in that contempt.

The truth is, if you want to cut down
on gossip in the workplace,

there are two core behaviors you need
to ask your team to make a commitment to:

assume good intent

and go to the source.

Assuming good intent is simply pausing
and asking a very important question:

"What would be a perfectly legitimate
explanation for this person's behavior?"

"What would make
a good person act this way?"

That guy who cut you off in traffic?

Maybe he is an entitled jerk,

or maybe he's on the way to the hospital
for a family emergency.

That co-worker who's moving slowly?

Yeah, maybe she doesn't care,

or maybe her boss asked her to slow down.

That person who was late to work?

Maybe their kid spilled
orange juice on their pants

right when they were walking out the door.

Assuming good intent is how
we mute the devil on our shoulder

because it pushes contempt aside,

and it forces us to reach for empathy.

"Why would a good person act this way?"
is a question we can ask ourselves

that immediately turns us into a more
emotionally intelligent member of a team.

The other behavior is to go to the source,

is to do exactly what I described earlier,

to go to a co-worker and say,

"Hey, this happened, it's bothering me,
I'm having a reaction.

We should talk about it."

And if you can get
the members of your teams

to commit to just those two behaviors,

well, you've just planted
the building blocks for teamwork

because those are core behaviors that lead
to healthy conflict in the workplace

and steer us away from patterns
of unhealthy conflict.

Oh, and you'll still have
some gossip in the corners

and whispered conversations
in the hallways,

but they will sound
a little bit different.

Now, employee number 1
goes to a co-worker and says,

"Hey,

do you believe that Jane
pulled Jack aside this morning

and said that it was bothering her

that he wasn't moving fast enough
or pulling his weight?

And he handled that really well."

At which point in time, the other person
can lean in and quietly reply,

"I know!"

(Laughter)

Thank you.

(Applause)