(Sold)
(For Sale)
(Bank like family!)
(Loan)
(Pile signs loan contract)
[Dog barks]
[Brakes screech]
[Off voice] The American Dream.
There's a reason to call it a dream.
[cock cries] [Man] Who's there?
[Off voice] Cockadoodledo, Pile!
[knocking] (Foreclosed)
[Pile] No, no, no, no no!
I don't have any more money!
My job sucks right now, please!
I'll have more money next month!
(Bank)
You can't take my house!
[Banker] Is that your signature? (Loan contract signed Pile)
[Dog whines]
[Pile] OK, just tell me we'll work something out, OK?
I mean you said I'm a good credit guy, right?
Hey, wait! My dog is in there!
No, don't take my Dream! [He weeps]
Oh, how did this happen?
[Explosion and flare noise]
(OUTATIME)
Hartman? Is that you?
[Hartman] It's been a long time since the fourth grade.
(4th Grade)
[Pile] Is that a time machine?
[Hartman] There's no need to concern yourself with my astounding accomplishments.
Just get in. There's not much time.
[Pile] Well, I got to go down to the bank to get my life back.
They took everything!
[Hartman] Oh! Bank ain't gonna help you now.
Towel in the trunk.
It's a set of balls. Put them on, you're going to need them.
[Pile] You're going to get my dream back?
[Hartman] No, pal: you are. I'm here to show you how.
(E=mc squared)
(Winter of 2006)
[Hartman] Submitted for your approval: 1. First National Bank.
What is a bank, you ask?
A curious place where both space, time and irony exist -
- and yet, don't.
[Pile] Are you going to be doing that the whole time?
[Hartman] Pay attention, Pile.
Exhibit A: those who have come to deposit and safely store their earned monies.
Exhibit B: Those who need to borrow said money for purposes unknown.
[Pile] Hey, that's me! (Not so prime)
[Hartman] Ergo.
Exhibit C: The bank only has so much money in the vault to lend out to people such as you.
[Pile] Hey! Hey, that's the guy! He took my house!
[Hartman] Really screwing my vibe here, Pile.
Space-time continuum: he can't hear you. Just let me narrate.
Now where was I?
So you see, by the time he got to you, Pile, his bank was out of money.
[Pile] But he gave me lots of money and charged me a lot of interest.
[Hartman] Yes: that's the only way banks make money,
by making debt loans: debt equals money, Pile. (DEBT=MONEY)
Remember that: debt equals money.
The more loans they make, the more money they make.
[Pile] But if they don't have any money, then where did my money come from?
[Hartman] You're going to want to take a step back. (FED)
[Pile] Whoa! No way!
[Hartman] Yes way. And that's nothing.
[Banker] Hey, buddy! Need some money?
(BUM)
[Pile, offscreen] They didn't do that!?
[Hartman] Oh, they did exactly that, pal.
Remember: banks make money by making loans, by selling debt, even to -
bad credit risks.
[Banker] Yo! Have some money, dude!
Just sign here.
[Pile] Oh my gosh!
[Hartman] Mmm! They called it free money.
[Pile] Yeah! That's exactly what MY loan guy told me: free money! (Loan contract signed Pile)
[Hartman] But it ain't free!
The worst part was offering money to people who don't even need it. (We own your ass!)
People, Pal, like you. (New Home Magazine - New Bank Offers)
[Van honks] (Bank like family!)
[Pile] You're right! I didn't need him: I was happy here.
I didn't need it! (New Home Magazine - New Bank Offers)
(Bank Like Family)
[Pile] Why is he sad? He's making all that money.
[Hartman] Shh. He's thinking.
[Clock ticking]
[Hartman] Now wait for it, now wait for it...
Bingo!
See, the bank has loaned to everyone in town.
But to make more money they have to loan even more.
[Pile] More? How much money do they need?
[Hartman] More...
[Pile yells] What's that?
[Hartman] Behold! A black horse riding: credit cards.
(Refinance your home!!!)
[Pile] Wow! Look! I mean it's going to be okay, everything is going to be okay.
What now?
[Hartman] Now? Pile, with all this money, we might as well party.
[Music plays...]
[Pile] Woahao, this is awesome! I needed to get my head clear.
When I get back I'm going to straighten all this out.
I just hope Dream is doing okay.
[Howling]
[Barking]
[Male witch] I'm going to get you, my pretty.
[Pile] Yup, he is. I'm sure he is.
[Burps]
[Hartman] Yeah, you put it on his tab. A little something for yourself.
Wait.
[Pile] You know, wait a second Hartman, I just thought of something.
If I got this money from the bank
and the bank got this money from the Federal Reserve dump trucks
[Hartman] Go on.
[Pile] Then, where does the Federal Reserve get their money?
[Glass breaks]
[Hartman] Real nice time ladies, real nice.
Excuse me while I borrow these. [Women screech]
[Pile] Say, Hartman. Why am I wearing a burglar bikini top?
[Hartman] Because no one is allowed inside the Fed.
Not you, nor me, no American citizen,
no duly elected member of our Congress,
not the Supreme Court
[Pile] Not the Supreme Court?
[Hartman] Not the Supreme Court.
Not the Justice Department, not the CIA, the DIA, FBI, ATF, ATENBC
not even G-O-D.
[Knocking]
[Pile] How come the government isn't allowed inside its own building?
[Hartman] Government? Pile, the Fed is a private bank, owned by private stockholders,
do NOT let the name "federal" fool you.
This place is about as federal as Federal Express.
[Pile] A-a-a private bank?
But, private?
[Hartman, quietly] Shh.
Best to keep your voice down Pile.
[Phone ringing]
[Ethan] This is Ethan, Federal Reserve.
[Bill] Hey Eth, Bill here, First National.
[Ethan] Hi there Bill, how are ya?
[Bill] Good, good, we're running a little low on money.
[Ethan] No problem. How much do you need?
[Bill] Oh, how does 20 million sound?
[Pile, loudly] What?
[Slaps]
[Ethan] Excellent. We'll ship it over first thing tomorrow.
[Pile] Wait, he can just call up the Fed and ask for more money
and they give him whatever they want?
[Hartman] No, Pile. The Fed don't give the banks money.
The Fed loans the banks money.
[Slams]
[Hartman] The banks have to pay it back with interest.
Come on, ...
[Pile] Wait wait wait wait, I still don't understand.
Where does the Fed get their money? I mean if they're a private bank.
You said they were a private bank, right?
Okay, so who puts money into the Fed bank?
(US MINT)
[Phone ringing]
[Mal] This is Mal, United States Mint.
[Ethan] Hiya Mal, First National needs another 20 millies.
[Mal] We're already running the press at full steam here Ethan.
[Ethan] Gotta keep making loans, gotta keep the money flowing.
[Mal] All right, you're the Fed. Whatever you guys say.
Twenty million more, by morning!
[Horn blowing]
[Pile] But I don't get it, what's so wrong about the Fed printing money?
[Hartman] Because it's unconstitutional, Pile!
Our Treasury is supposed to create our money
but now the Fed controls the printing of Americas money.
Nobody gets a friggin' dollar that the Fed didn't print.
[Pile] So?
[Hartman] They print the money, then they loan it to the government
then they charge the government interest,
then the government taxes you to pay for it.
Wake up Pile!
[Pile] I don't see what the big deal is.
[Hartman] You know, you're right Pile.
[Pile] Wait a minute, wait, I am?
[Hartman] Yeah, I forget how effective they are at keeping you ignorant.
[Pile] Well that's okay -
Hey! I'm not ignorant!
[Hartman] Do you even know what money is, Pile?
[10th Century]
[Pies]
[Hartman] In the long, long ago, people bartered:
they traded things they had, for things they wanted.
I'll trade you my raspberries for that there pot pie.
[Pile] I don't want your berries.
[Hartman] Come on, Pile, they're sweet berries.
[Pile] They're not sweet, they're old, and I don't like berries.
[Hartman] Give me that pot pie!
[Pile] No.
[Hartman] As you can see, this bartering situation created some problems.
Then one day, a goldsmith walked up and said,
"Now, everybody thinks gold is valuable,
so why doesn't everyone trade gold for things they need?"
[Cheering]
The price was set for gold and now it was very easy to conduct commerce
because now people could trade gold for all the things they needed.
[Pile] Hartman! Wow, look at all my gold!
[Robber snickers evilly]
[Pile] Hey! Hey, stop them! That's my gold!
[Hartman] Damn thieves.
[Ethan] Say there, Pile
I've got a vault and some guards.
I can keep your gold safe for you.
For a small fee.
[Pile] Yeah, sure, that'd be awesome.
[Hartman] You see Pile, this is how the first bank made money.
[Ethan] There you go Pile, I.O.U 100 gold coins.
[Pile] Okay, great!
[Ethan] Come back anytime and redeem your gold when you want it.
It will be right here-
in my vault.
[Hartman] Now you're holding the very first paper money Pile.
[Pile] Wow, this is great. It all makes sense.
[Hartman] Oh, that's right, it was good,
and everybody started using "I.O.U"
because everybody knew the I.O.U was as good as gold.
(Chocolate $1)
[Pile] Wow, this candy is really a good price.
1 I.O.U, I'm getting some more for later.
(Chocolate $10)
Wait a minute, it was just 1 I.O.U.
10 I.O.U's for chocolate?
He can't just raise prices like that!
[Hartman] Oh, the candyman can.
[Music plays]
[Hartman] ♪Oh, the candyman can!♪
[Pile] Wait, that is just freakin' wrong!
(Water 20)
(Water 200) [Hartman] It's called inflation Pile.
It makes your I.O.U's worth less and less
until they are worth nothing.
Less bang for the buck, dollar ain't what it used to be.
[Pile] But I worked hard and made all those pot pies.
Now I have to work harder to make less?
That's not fair.
[Hartman] Oh, if you think that's not fair
you're gonna love the next part.
[Pile] Oh, what's he doing? (Chart - Gold | I.O.U.S)
[Hartman] How do banks make money, Pile? (?)
[Pile] Errh, by making more loans?
[Hartman] Oh, that's right! He's good.
See, he prints more IOUs without any more gold,
loans them out for interest, makes a pretty penny - and nobody is the wiser,
unless -
- everybody wanted their gold back at the same time.
[Pile] No no no no no no, that's my gold!
[Hartman] Not -
anymore.
[Pile] What are you talking about?
[Hartman] I'd like to redeem my IOUs, please.
Thank you very much.
(Out to lunch) [Pile] Hey!
[Crowd shouting] [Pile] I want my gold back now!
[Man] Thief! Thief! Battle of the bank run. Bringing people together.
[Hartman] See, they all found out he was stealing,
made a run on the bank and demanded their gold.
But as as you can see, there ain't no gold to get.
[Pile] Hartman!
[Hartman] Don't worry about it. Back in these times,
vengeance will be yours.
Three things in this world you don't do:
Never mess with another man's woman.
Never mess with another man's ego.
And, most importantly, you never mess with another man's money.
Else, man, we'll mess with you.
[Pile] My God! You hung him?
[Hartman] Yes, Pile. Oh, we hung him, we hung him high.
And do you know why?
[Pile] Well, because he was a thief?
[Hartman] Because, Pile, an evil invention was born
Man discovered how to turn worthless paper into gold.
Thus was invented the ultimate machine to steal real money
and enslave all the nations on earth.
[bang and growling]
[Man] It's alive!
[Pile] Oh now, come on! You're just being dramatic.
I mean, I lost my house, but...
[Hartman] What is that? Explain.
[Pile] A nuclear power plant?
[Hartman] Mmm. Produces lots of electricity and little pollution.
An invention for the good of humanity.
[Pile] OK, but what does this have to do with... [watch ticking]
[Hartman] Three, two, [Explosion]
[Pile] Holy...! [Hartman] Atomic energy.
A discovery more powerful than anything man had yet conceived.
It can be used for good
or evil.
Now, unlike Einstein, the goldsmith's discovery has been kept a closely guarded secret.
(Fractional Reserve Banking - Reserve | Loans) It was never intended for you to see.
(Depositor) This discovery is called Fractional Reserve Banking.
(Borrower) In the wrong hands, it's more powerful than the nuclear bomb
in its ability to completely and utterly destroy a nation who is subjected to its perversion.
[Pile] No - no no no no no.
[Hartman] It is time we stop this evil secret and the men behind it ...
[Pile] You're being ridiculous! [Hartman] ... before America is destroyed forever.
Believe it, Pile!
[Pile] No no no no! I just want my gold back.
[Hartman] Damn it! That's it. I give up.
Let them live in chains.
[Tinkling]
[18th c. ghost] No, Hartman!
"The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants."
[Pile] Thomas Jefferson?
[Hartman] Mr President, how do I get him to understand?
[Jefferson's ghost] As we did, son, remain vigilant.
Too many have hidden the truth and the light of our liberty dims with every passing day.
Quickly, take my horse! Show him! (14:34)