(Sold) (Sold) (For Sale) (Bank like family!) (Loan) (Pile signs loan contract) [Dog barks] [Brakes screech] [Off voice] The American Dream. There's a reason to call it a dream. [cock cries] [Man] Who's there? [Off voice] Cockadoodledo, Pile! [knocking] (Foreclosed) [Pile] No, no, no, no no! I don't have any more money! My job sucks right now, please! I'll have more money next month! (Bank) You can't take my house! [Banker] Is that your signature? (Loan contract signed Pile) [Dog whines] [Pile] OK, just tell me we'll work something out, OK? I mean you said I'm a good credit guy, right? Hey, wait! My dog is in there! No, don't take my Dream! [He weeps] Oh, how did this happen? [Explosion and flare noise] (OUTATIME) Hartman? Is that you? [Hartman] It's been a long time since the fourth grade. (4th Grade) [Pile] Is that a time machine? [Hartman] There's no need to concern yourself with my stern (?) accomplishments. Just get in. There's not much time. [Pile] Well, I got to go down to the bank to get my life back. They took everything! [Hartman] Oh! Bank ain't gonna help you now. .... in the trunk. It's a set of balls. Put them on, you're going to need them. [Pile] You're going to get my dream back? [Hartman] No, pal: you are. I'm here to show you how. (E=mc squared) (Winter of 2006) [Hartman] Submitted for your approval: 1. First National Bank. What is a bank, you ask? A curious place where both space, time and irony exist - - and yet, don't. [Pile] Are you going to be doing that the whole time? [Hartman] Pay attention, Pile. Exhibit A: those who have come to deposit and safely store their earned monies. Exhibit B: Those who need to borrow said money for purposes unknown. [Pile] Hey, that's me! (Not so prime) [Hartman] Ergo. Exhibit C: The bank only has so much money in the vault to lend out to people such as you. [Pile] Hey! Hey, that's the guy! He took my house! [Hartman] Really screwing my vibe here, Pile. Space-time continuum: he can't hear you. Just let me narrate. Now where was I? So you see, by the time he got to you, Pile, his bank was out of money. [Pile] But he gave me lots of money and charged me a lot of interest. [Hartman] Yes: that's the only way banks make money, by making debt loans: debt equals money, Pile. (DEBT=MONEY) Remember that: debt equals money. The more loans they make, the more money they make. [Pile] But if they don't have any money, then where did my money come from? [Hartman] You're going to want to take a step back. (FED) (FED) [Pile] Whoa! No way! [Hartman] Yes way. And that's nothing. [Banker] Hey, buddy! Need some money? (BUM) [Pile, offscreen] They didn't do that!? [Hartman] Oh, they did exactly that, pal. Remember: banks make money by making loans, by selling debt, even to - bad credit risks. [Banker] Yo! Have some money, dude! Just sign here. [Pile] Oh my gosh! [Hartman] Mmm! They called it free money. [Pile] Yeah! That's exactly what MY loan guy told me: free money! (Loan contract signed Pile) [Hartman] But it ain't free! The worst part was offering money to people who don't even need it. (We own your ass!) People, Pal, like you. (New Home Magazine - New Bank Offers) [Van honks] (Bank like family!) [Pile] You're right! I didn't need him: I was happy here. I didn't need it! (New Home Magazine - New Bank Offers) (Bank Like Family) [Pile] Why is he sad? He's making all that money. [Hartman] Shh. He's thinking. [Clock ticking] [Hartman] Now wait for it, now wait for it... Bingo! See, the bank has loaned to everyone in town. But to make more money they have to loan even more. [Pile] More? How much money do they need? [Hartman] More... [Pile yells] What's that? [Hartman] Behold! A black horse riding / writing (?) credit cards. (Refinance your home!!!) [Pile] Wow! Look! I mean it's going to be okay, everything is going to be okay. What now? [Hartman] Now? Pile, with all this money, we might as well party. [Music plays...] [Pile] Woahao, this is awesome! I needed to get my head clear. When I get back I'm going to straighten all this out. I just hope Dream is doing okay. [Howling] [Barking] [Male witch] I'm going to get you, my pretty. [Pile] Yup, he is. I'm sure he is. [Burps] [Hartman] Yeah, you put it on his tab. A little something ... Wait. [Pile] You know, wait a second Hartman, I just thought of something. If I got this money from the bank and the bank got this money from the Federal Reserve dump trucks [Hartman] Go on. [Pile] Then, where does the Federal Reserve get their money? [Glass breaks] [Hartman] Real nice time ladies, real nice. Excuse me while I borrow these. [Women screech] [Pile] Say, Hartman. Why am I wearing a burglar bikini top? [Hartman] Because no one is allowed inside the Fed. Not you, nor me, no American citizen, no duly elected member of our Congress, not the Supreme Court [Pile] Not the Supreme Court? [Hartman] Not the Supreme Court. Not the Justice Department, not the CIA, the DIA, FBI, ATF, ATENBC not even G-O-D. [Knocking] [Pile] How come the government isn't allowed inside its own building? [Hartman] Government? Pile, the Fed is a private bank, owned by private stockholders, do NOT let the name "federal" fool you. This place is about as federal as Federal Express. [Pile] A-a-a private bank? But, private? [Hartman, quietly] Shh. Best to keep your voice down Pile. [Phone ringing] [Ethan] This is Ethan, Federal Reserve. [Bill] Hey Eth, Bill here, First National. [Ethan] Hi there Bill, how are ya? [Bill] Good, good, we're running a little low on money. [Ethan] No problem. How much do you need? [Bill] Oh, how does 20 million sound? [Pile, loudly] What? [Slaps] [Ethan] Excellent. We'll ship it over first thing tomorrow. [Pile] Wait, he can just call up the Fed and ask for more money and they give him whatever they want? [Hartman] No, Pile. The Fed don't give the banks money. The Fed loans the banks money. [Slams] [Hartman] The banks have to pay it back with interest. Come on, ... [Pile] Wait wait wait wait, I still don't understand. Where does the Fed get their money? I mean if they're a private bank. You said they were a private bank, right? Okay, so who puts money into the Fed bank? (US MINT) [Phone ringing] [Mal] This is Mal, United States Mint. [Ethan] Hiya Mal, First National needs another 20 millies. [Mal] We're already running the press at full steam here Ethan. [Ethan] Gotta keep making loans, gotta keep the money flowing. [Mal] All right, you're the Fed. Whatever you guys say. Twenty million more, by morning! [Horn blowing] [Pile] But I don't get it, what's so wrong about the Fed printing money? [Hartman] Because it's unconstitutional, Pile! Our Treasury is supposed to create our money but now the Fed controls the printing of Americas money. Nobody gets a friggin' dollar that the Fed didn't print. [Pile] So? [Hartman] They print the money, then they loan it to the government then they charge the government interest, then the government taxes you to pay for it. Wake up Pile! [Pile] I don't see what the big deal is. [Hartman] You know, you're right Pile. [Pile] Wait a minute, wait, I am? [Hartman] Yeah, I forget how effective they are at keeping you ignorant. [Pile] Well that's okay- Hey! I'm not ignorant! [Hartman] Do you even know what money is, Pile? [10th Century] [Pies] [Hartman] In the long, long ago, people bartered: they traded things they had, for things they wanted. I'll trade you my raspberries for that magpie? pie. [Pile] I don't want your berries. [Hartman] Come on, Pile, they're sweet berries. [Pile] They're not sweet, they're old, and I don't like berries. [Hartman] Give me that fine? pie! [Pile] No. [Hartman] As you can see, this moderate? situation created some problems. Then one day, a goldsmith walked up and said, "Now, everybody thinks gold is valuable, so why doesn't everyone trade gold for things they need?" [Cheering] The price was set for gold and now it was very easy to conduct commerce because now people could trade gold for all the things they needed. [Pile] Hartman! Wow, look at all my gold! [Robber snickers evilly] [Pile] Hey! Hey, stop them! That's my gold! [Hartman] Damn thieves. [Ethan] Say there, Pile I've got a vault and some guards. I can keep your gold safe for you. For a small fee. [Pile] Yeah, sure, that'd be awesome. [Hartman] You see Pile, this is how the first bank made money. [Ethan] There you go Pile, I.O.U 100 gold coins. [Pile] Okay, great! [Ethan] Come back anytime and redeem your gold when you want it. It will be right here- in my vault. [Hartman] Now you're holding the very first paper money Pile. [Pile] Wow, this is great. It all makes sense. [Hartman] Oh, that's right, it was good, and everybody started using "I.O.U" because everybody knew the I.O.U was as good as gold. (Chocolate $1) [Pile] Wow, this candy is really a good price. 1 I.O.U, I'm getting some more for later. (Chocolate $10) Wait a minute, it was just 1 I.O.U. 10 I.O.U's for chocolate? He can't just raise prices like that! [Hartman] Oh, the candyman can. [Music plays] [Hartman] ♪Oh, the candyman can!♪ [Pile] Wait, that is just freakin' wrong! (Water 20) (Water 200) [Hartman] It's called inflation Pile. It makes your I.O.U's worth less and less until they are worth nothing. Less bang for the buck, dollar ain't what it used to be. [Pile] But I worked hard and made all those pot pies. Now I have to work harder to make less? That's not fair. [Hartman] Oh, if you think that's not fair you're gonna love the next part.