1 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 (Sold) 2 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 (Sold) 3 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 (Loan) 4 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Off voice] The American Dream. 5 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 There's a reason to call it a dream. 6 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [cock cries] [Man] Who's there? 7 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Off voice] Cockadoodledo, pal! 8 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [knocking] (Foreclosed) 9 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Man] No, no, no, no no! 10 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I don't have any more money! 11 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 My job sucks right now, please! 12 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I'll have more money next month! 13 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 (Bank) 14 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 You can't take my house! 15 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Bank employee] Is that your signature? (Loan contract signed Pile) 16 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Dog whines] 17 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Man -> Pile] OK, just tell me we'll work something out, OK? 18 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I mean you said I'm a good credit guy, right? 19 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Hey, wait! My dog is in there! 20 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 No, don't take my Dream! [He weeps] 21 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Oh, how did this happen? 22 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Explosion and flare noise] 23 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 (OUTATIME) 24 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Hartman? Is that you? 25 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] It's been a long time since the fourth grade. 26 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] Is that a time machine? 27 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] There's no need to concern yourself with my stern (?) accomplishments. 28 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Just get in. There's not much time. 29 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] Well, I got to go down to the bank to get my life back. 30 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 They took everything! 31 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] Bank ain't gonna help you now. 32 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 .... in the trunk. 33 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 It's a set of balls. Put them on, you're going to need them. 34 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] You're going to get my dream back? 35 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] No, pal: you are. I'm here to show you how. 36 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 (E=mc squared) 37 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 (Winter of 2006) 38 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] Submitted for your approval: 1. First National Bank. 39 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 What is a bank, you ask? 40 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 A curious place where both space, time and irony exist - 41 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 - and yet, don't. 42 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] Are you going to be doing that the whole time? 43 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] Pay attention, pal. 44 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Exhibit A: those who have come to deposit and safely store their earned monies. 45 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Exhibit B: Those who need to borrow said money for purposes unknown. 46 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [A voice] Hey, that's me! (Not so prime) 47 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Ergo. 48 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Exhibit C: The bank only has so much money in the vault to lend out to people such as you. 49 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] Hey! Hey, that's the guy! He took my house! 50 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] Really screwing my vibe here, Pile. 51 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Space-time continuum: he can't hear you. Just let me narrate. 52 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Now where was I? 53 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So you see, by the time he got to you, Pile, his bank was out of money. 54 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] But he gave me lots of money and charged me a lot of interest. 55 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] Yes: that's the only way banks make money, 56 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 by making debt loans: debt equals money, Pile. (DEBT=MONEY) 57 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Remember that: debt equals money. 58 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 The more loans they make, the more money they make. 59 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] But if they don't have any money, then where did my money come from? 60 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] You're going to want to take a step back. (FED) 61 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] Whoa! No way! 62 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] Yes way. And that's nothing. 63 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Banker] Hey, buddy! Need some money? 64 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 (BUM) 65 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile, offscreen] They didn't do that!? 66 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] Oh, they did exactly that, pal. 67 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Remember: banks make money by making loans, by selling debt, even to - 68 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 bad credit risks. 69 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Banker] Yo! Have some money, dude! 70 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Just sign here. 71 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] Oh my gosh! 72 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] Mmm! They called it free money. 73 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] Yeah! That's exactly what MY loan guy told me: free money! (Loan contract signed Pile) 74 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] But it ain't free! 75 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 The worst part was offering money to people who don't even need it. (We own your ass!) 76 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 People, Pal, like you. (New Home Magazine - New Bank Offers) 77 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Van honks] (Bank like family!) 78 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] You're right! I didn't need ..... I was happy here. 79 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I didn't need it! (4:17) (New Home Magazine - New Bank Offers) 80 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 (Bank Like Family) 81 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] Why is he sad? He's making all that money. 82 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] Shh. He's thinking. 83 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Clock ticking] 84 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] Now wait for it, now wait for it... 85 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Bingo! 86 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 See, the bank has loaned to everyone in town. 87 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 But to make more money they have to loan even more. 88 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] More? How much money do they need? 89 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] More... 90 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile yells] What's that? 91 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] Behold! A black horse riding (?) credit cards. 92 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 (Refinance your home!!!) 93 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] Wow! Look! I mean it's going to be okay, everything is going to be okay. 94 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 What now? 95 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] Now? Pile, with all this money, we might as well party. 96 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Music plays] 97 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] Woahao, this is awesome! I needed to get my head clear. 98 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 When I get back I'm going to straighten all this out. 99 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I just hope Dream is doing okay. 100 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Howling] 101 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Barking] 102 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Witch?] I'm going to get you, my pretty. 103 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] Yup, he is. I'm sure he is. 104 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Burps] 105 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] Yeah, you put it on his tab. A little something ... 106 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Wait. 107 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] You know, wait a second Hartman, I just thought of something. 108 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 If I got this money from the bank 109 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and the bank got this money from the Federal Reserve dump trucks 110 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] Go on. 111 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] Then, where does the Federal Reserve get their money? 112 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Glass breaks] 113 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] ... mass time ladies, ... mass time. 114 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Excuse me while I borrow these. 115 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] Say, Hartman. Why am I wearing a burglar bikini top? 116 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] Because no one is allowed inside the Fed. 117 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Not you, nor me, no American citizen, 118 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 no duly elected member of our Congress, 119 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 not the Supreme Court 120 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] Not the Supreme Court? 121 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] Not the Supreme Court. 122 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Not the Justice Department, not the CIA, the DIA, FBI, ATF, ATENBC 123 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 not even G-O-D. 124 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Knocking] 125 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] How come the government isn't allowed inside its own building? 126 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] Government? Pile, the Fed is a private bank, owned by private stockholders, 127 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 do NOT let the name "federal" fool you. 128 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 This place is about as federal as Federal Express. 129 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] A-a-a private bank? 130 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 But, private? 131 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman, quietly] Shh. 132 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Best to keep your voice down Pile. 133 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Phone ringing] 134 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Ethan] This is Ethan, Federal Reserve. 135 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Bill] Hey Eth, Bill here, First National. 136 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Ethan] Hi there Bill, how are ya? 137 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Bill] Good, good, we're running a little low on money. 138 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Ethan] No problem. How much do you need? 139 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Bill] Oh, how does 20 million sound? 140 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile, loudly] What? 141 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Slaps] 142 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Ethan] Excellent. We'll ship it over first thing tomorrow. 143 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] Wait, he can just call up the Fed and ask for more money 144 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and they give him whatever they want? 145 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] No, Pile. The Fed don't give the banks money. 146 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 The Fed loans the banks money. 147 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Slams] 148 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] The banks have to pay it back with interest. 149 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Come on, ... 150 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] Wait wait wait wait, I still don't understand. 151 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Where does the Fed get their money? I mean if they're a private bank. 152 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 You said they were a private bank, right? 153 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Okay, so who puts money into the Fed bank? 154 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [US MINT] 155 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Phone ringing] 156 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Mal] This is Mal, United States Mint. 157 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Ethan] Hiya Mal, First National needs another 20 millies. 158 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Mal] We're already running the press at full steam here Ethan. 159 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Ethan] Gotta keep making loans, gotta keep the money flowing. 160 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Mal] All right, you're the Fed. Whatever you guys say. 161 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Twenty million more, by morning! 162 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Horn blowing] 163 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] But I don't get it, what's so wrong about the Fed printing money? 164 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] Because it's unconstitutional Pile! 165 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Our Treasury is supposed to create our money 166 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 but now the Fed controls the printing of Americas money. 167 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Nobody gets a friggin' dollar that the Fed didn't print. 168 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] So? 169 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] They print the money, then they loan it to the government 170 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 then they charge the government interest, 171 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 then the government taxes you to pay for it. 172 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Wake up Pile! 173 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] I don't see what the big deal is. 174 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] You know, you're right Pile. 175 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] Wait a minute, wait, I am? 176 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] Yeah, I forget how effective they are at keeping you ignorant. 177 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] Well that's okay- 178 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Hey! I'm not ignorant! 179 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] Do you even know what money is, Pile? 180 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [10th Century] 181 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pies] 182 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] In the? long, long ago, when people barted 183 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 they traded things they had, for things they wanted. 184 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I'll trade you my raspberries for that magpie? pie. 185 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] I don't want your berries. 186 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] Come on, Pile, they're sweet berries. 187 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] They're not sweet, they're old, and I don't like berries. 188 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] Give me that fine? pie! 189 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] No. 190 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] As you can see, this moderate? situation created some problems. 191 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Then one day, a Goldsmith walked up and said, 192 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 "Now, everybody thinks gold is valuable, 193 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 so why doesn't everyone trade gold for things they need?" 194 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Cheering] 195 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 The price was set for gold and now it was very easy to conduct commerce 196 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 because now people could trade gold for all the things they needed. 197 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] Hartman! Wow, look at all my gold! 198 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Robber snickers evily] 199 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] Hey! Hey, stop them! That's my gold! 200 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] Damn thieves. 201 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Ethan] Say there, Pile 202 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I've got a vault and some guards. 203 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I can keep your gold safe for you. 204 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 For a small fee. 205 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] Yeah, sure, that'd be awesome. 206 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] You see Pile, this is how the first bank made money. 207 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Ethan] There you go Pile, I owe you 100 gold coins. 208 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Pile] Okay, great! 209 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Ethan] Come back anytime and redeem your gold when you want it. 210 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 It will be right here- 211 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 in my vault. 212 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Hartman] Now you're holding the very first paper money Pile.