9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (Sold) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (Sold) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (Loan) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Off voice] The American Dream. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 There's a reason to call it a dream. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [cock cries][br][Man] Who's there? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Off voice] Cockadoodledo, pal! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [knocking][br](Foreclosed) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Man] No, no, no, no no! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I don't have any more money! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 My job sucks right now, please! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'll have more money next month! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (Bank) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You can't take my house! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Bank employee] Is that your signature?[br](Loan contract signed Pile) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Dog whines] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Man -> Pile] OK, just tell me we'll work something out, OK? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I mean you said I'm a good credit guy, right? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Hey, wait! My dog is in there! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 No, don't take my Dream![br][He weeps] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Oh, how did this happen? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Explosion and flare noise] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (OUTATIME) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Hartman? Is that you? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] It's been a long time since the fourth grade. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] Is that a time machine? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] There's no need to concern yourself with my stern (?) accomplishments. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Just get in. There's not much time. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] Well, I got to go down to the bank to get my life back. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They took everything! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] Bank ain't gonna help you now. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 .... in the trunk. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It's a set of balls. Put them on, you're going to need them. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] You're going to get my dream back? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] No, pal: you are. I'm here to show you how. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (E=mc squared) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (Winter of 2006) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] Submitted for your approval:[br]1. First National Bank. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What is a bank, you ask? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 A curious place where both space, time and irony exist - 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 - and yet, don't. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] Are you going to be doing that the whole time? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] Pay attention, pal. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Exhibit A: those who have come to deposit and safely store their earned monies. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Exhibit B: Those who need to borrow said money for purposes unknown. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [A voice] Hey, that's me![br](Not so prime) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Ergo. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Exhibit C: The bank only has so much money in the vault to lend out to people such as you. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] Hey! Hey, that's the guy! He took my house! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] Really screwing my vibe here, Pile. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Space-time continuum: he can't hear you. Just let me narrate. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now where was I? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So you see, by the time he got to you, Pile, his bank was out of money. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] But he gave me lots of money and charged me a lot of interest. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] Yes: that's the only way banks make money, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 by making debt loans: debt equals money, Pile.[br](DEBT=MONEY) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Remember that: debt equals money. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The more loans they make, the more money they make. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] But if they don't have any money, then where did my money come from? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] You're going to want to take a step back.[br](FED) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] Whoa! No way! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] Yes way. And that's nothing. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Banker] Hey, buddy! Need some money? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (BUM) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile, offscreen] They didn't do that!? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] Oh, they did exactly that, pal. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Remember: banks make money by making loans, by selling debt, even to - 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 bad credit risks. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Banker] Yo! Have some money, dude! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Just sign here. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] Oh my gosh! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] Mmm! They called it free money. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] Yeah! That's exactly what MY loan guy told me: free money![br](Loan contract signed Pile) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] But it ain't free! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The worst part was offering money to people who don't even need it.[br](We own your ass!) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 People, Pal, like you.[br](New Home Magazine - New Bank Offers) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Van honks][br](Bank like family!) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] You're right! I didn't need ..... I was happy here. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I didn't need it! (4:17)[br](New Home Magazine - New Bank Offers) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (Bank Like Family) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] Why is he sad? He's making all that money. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] Shh. He's thinking. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Clock ticking] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] Now wait for it, now wait for it... 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Bingo! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 See, the bank has loaned to everyone in town. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But to make more money they have to loan even more. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] More? How much money do they need? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] More... 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile yells] What's that? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] Behold! A black horse riding (?) credit cards. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (Refinance your home!!!) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] Wow! Look! I mean it's going to be okay, everything is going to be okay. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What now? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] Now? Pile, with all this money, we might as well party. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Music plays] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] Woahao, this is awesome! I needed to get my head clear. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When I get back I'm going to straighten all this out. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I just hope Dream is doing okay. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Howling] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Barking] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Witch?] I'm going to get you, my pretty. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] Yup, he is. I'm sure he is. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Burps] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] Yeah, you put it on his tab. A little something ... 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Wait. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] You know, wait a second Hartman, I just thought of something. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 If I got this money from the bank 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and the bank got this money from the Federal Reserve dump trucks 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] Go on. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] Then, where does the Federal Reserve get their money? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Glass breaks] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] ... mass time ladies, ... mass time. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Excuse me while I borrow these. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] Say, Hartman. Why am I wearing a burglar bikini top? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] Because no one is allowed inside the Fed. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Not you, nor me, no American citizen, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 no duly elected member of our Congress, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 not the Supreme Court 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] Not the Supreme Court? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] Not the Supreme Court. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Not the Justice Department, not the CIA, the DIA, FBI, ATF, ATENBC 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 not even G-O-D. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Knocking] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] How come the government isn't allowed inside its own building? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] Government? Pile, the Fed is a private bank, owned by private stockholders, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 do NOT let the name "federal" fool you. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 This place is about as federal as Federal Express. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] A-a-a private bank? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But, private? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman, quietly] Shh. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Best to keep your voice down Pile. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Phone ringing] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Ethan] This is Ethan, Federal Reserve. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Bill] Hey Eth, Bill here, First National. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Ethan] Hi there Bill, how are ya? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Bill] Good, good, we're running a little low on money. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Ethan] No problem. How much do you need? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Bill] Oh, how does 20 million sound? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile, loudly] What? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Slaps] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Ethan] Excellent. We'll ship it over first thing tomorrow. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] Wait, he can just call up the Fed and ask for more money 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and they give him whatever they want? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] No, Pile. The Fed don't give the banks money. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The Fed loans the banks money. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Slams] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] The banks have to pay it back with interest. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Come on, ... 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] Wait wait wait wait, I still don't understand. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Where does the Fed get their money? I mean if they're a private bank. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You said they were a private bank, right? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Okay, so who puts money into the Fed bank? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [US MINT] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Phone ringing] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Mal] This is Mal, United States Mint. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Ethan] Hiya Mal, First National needs another 20 millies. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Mal] We're already running the press at full steam here Ethan. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Ethan] Gotta keep making loans, gotta keep the money flowing. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Mal] All right, you're the Fed. Whatever you guys say. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Twenty million more, by morning! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Horn blowing] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] But I don't get it, what's so wrong about the Fed printing money? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] Because it's unconstitutional Pile! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Our Treasury is supposed to create our money 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but now the Fed controls the printing of Americas money. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Nobody gets a friggin' dollar that the Fed didn't print. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] So? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] They print the money, then they loan it to the government 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 then they charge the government interest, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 then the government taxes you to pay for it. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Wake up Pile! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] I don't see what the big deal is. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] You know, you're right Pile. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] Wait a minute, wait, I am? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] Yeah, I forget how effective they are at keeping you ignorant. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] Well that's okay- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Hey! I'm not ignorant! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] Do you even know what money is, Pile? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [10th Century] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pies] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] In the? long, long ago, when people barted 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 they traded things they had, for things they wanted. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'll trade you my raspberries for that magpie? pie. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] I don't want your berries. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] Come on, Pile, they're sweet berries. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] They're not sweet, they're old, and I don't like berries. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] Give me that fine? pie! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] No. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] As you can see, this moderate? situation created some problems. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Then one day, a Goldsmith walked up and said, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Now, everybody thinks gold is valuable, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 so why doesn't everyone trade gold for things they need?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Cheering] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The price was set for gold and now it was very easy to conduct commerce 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 because now people could trade gold for all the things they needed. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] Hartman! Wow, look at all my gold! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Robber snickers evily] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] Hey! Hey, stop them! That's my gold! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] Damn thieves. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Ethan] Say there, Pile 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I've got a vault and some guards. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I can keep your gold safe for you. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 For a small fee. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] Yeah, sure, that'd be awesome. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] You see Pile, this is how the first bank made money. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Ethan] There you go Pile, I owe you 100 gold coins. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Pile] Okay, great! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Ethan] Come back anytime and redeem your gold when you want it. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It will be right here- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 in my vault. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Hartman] Now you're holding the very first paper money Pile.