WEBVTT

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(Sold)

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(Sold)

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(Loan)

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[Off voice] The American Dream.

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There's a reason to call it a dream.

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[cock cries]
[Man] Who's there?

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[Off voice] Cockadoodledo, pal!

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[knocking]
(Foreclosed)

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[Man] No, no, no, no no!

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I don't have any more money!

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My job sucks right now, please!

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I'll have more money next month!

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(Bank)

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You can't take my house!

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[Bank employee] Is that your signature?
(Loan contract signed Pile)

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[Dog whines]

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[Man -> Pile] OK, just tell me we'll work something out, OK?

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I mean you said I'm a good credit guy, right?

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Hey, wait! My dog is in there!

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No, don't take my Dream!
[He weeps]

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Oh, how did this happen?

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[Explosion and flare noise]

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(OUTATIME)

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Hartman? Is that you?

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[Hartman] It's been a long time since the fourth grade.

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[Pile] Is that a time machine?

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[Hartman] There's no need to concern yourself with my stern (?) accomplishments.

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Just get in. There's not much time.

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[Pile] Well, I got to go down to the bank to get my life back.

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They took everything!

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[Hartman] Bank ain't gonna help you now.

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.... in the trunk.

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It's a set of balls. Put them on, you're going to need them.

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[Pile] You're going to get my dream back?

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[Hartman] No, pal: you are. I'm here to show you how.

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(E=mc squared)

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(Winter of 2006)

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[Hartman] Submitted for your approval:
1. First National Bank.

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What is a bank, you ask?

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A curious place where both space, time and irony exist -

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- and yet, don't.

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[Pile] Are you going to be doing that the whole time?

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[Hartman] Pay attention, pal.

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Exhibit A: those who have come to deposit and safely store their earned monies.

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Exhibit B: Those who need to borrow said money for purposes unknown.

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[A voice] Hey, that's me!
(Not so prime)

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Ergo.

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Exhibit C: The bank only has so much money in the vault to lend out to people such as you.

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[Pile] Hey! Hey, that's the guy! He took my house!

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[Hartman] Really screwing my vibe here, Pile.

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Space-time continuum: he can't hear you. Just let me narrate.

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Now where was I?

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So you see, by the time he got to you, Pile, his bank was out of money.

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[Pile] But he gave me lots of money and charged me a lot of interest.

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[Hartman] Yes: that's the only way banks make money,

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by making debt loans: debt equals money, Pile.
(DEBT=MONEY)

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Remember that: debt equals money.

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The more loans they make, the more money they make.

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[Pile] But if they don't have any money, then where did my money come from?

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[Hartman] You're going to want to take a step back.
(FED)

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[Pile] Whoa! No way!

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[Hartman] Yes way. And that's nothing.

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[Banker] Hey, buddy! Need some money?

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(BUM)

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[Pile, offscreen] They didn't do that!?

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[Hartman] Oh, they did exactly that, pal.

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Remember: banks make money by making loans, by selling debt, even to -

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bad credit risks.

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[Banker] Yo! Have some money, dude!

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Just sign here.

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[Pile] Oh my gosh!

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[Hartman] Mmm! They called it free money.

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[Pile] Yeah! That's exactly what MY loan guy told me: free money!
(Loan contract signed Pile)

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[Hartman] But it ain't free!

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The worst part was offering money to people who don't even need it.
(We own your ass!)

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People, Pal, like you.
(New Home Magazine - New Bank Offers)

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[Van honks]
(Bank like family!)

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[Pile] You're right! I didn't need ..... I was happy here.

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I didn't need it! (4:17)
(New Home Magazine - New Bank Offers)

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(Bank Like Family)

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[Pile] Why is he sad? He's making all that money.

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[Hartman] Shh. He's thinking.

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[Clock ticking]

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[Hartman] Now wait for it, now wait for it...

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Bingo!

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See, the bank has loaned to everyone in town.

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But to make more money they have to loan even more.

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[Pile] More? How much money do they need?

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[Hartman] More...

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[Pile yells] What's that?

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[Hartman] Behold! A black horse riding (?) credit cards.

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(Refinance your home!!!)

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[Pile] Wow! Look! I mean it's going to be okay, everything is going to be okay.

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What now?

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[Hartman] Now? Pile, with all this money, we might as well party.

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[Music plays]

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[Pile] Woahao, this is awesome! I needed to get my head clear.

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When I get back I'm going to straighten all this out.

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I just hope Dream is doing okay.

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[Howling]

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[Barking]

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[Witch?] I'm going to get you, my pretty.

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[Pile] Yup, he is. I'm sure he is.

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[Burps]

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[Hartman] Yeah, you put it on his tab. A little something ...

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Wait.

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[Pile] You know, wait a second Hartman, I just thought of something.

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If I got this money from the bank

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and the bank got this money from the Federal Reserve dump trucks

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[Hartman] Go on.

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[Pile] Then, where does the Federal Reserve get their money?

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[Glass breaks]

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[Hartman] ... mass time ladies, ... mass time.

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Excuse me while I borrow these.

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[Pile] Say, Hartman. Why am I wearing a burglar bikini top?

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[Hartman] Because no one is allowed inside the Fed.

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Not you, nor me, no American citizen,

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no duly elected member of our Congress,

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not the Supreme Court

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[Pile] Not the Supreme Court?

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[Hartman] Not the Supreme Court.

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Not the Justice Department, not the CIA, the DIA, FBI, ATF, ATENBC

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not even G-O-D.

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[Knocking]

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[Pile] How come the government isn't allowed inside its own building?

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[Hartman] Government? Pile, the Fed is a private bank, owned by private stockholders,

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do NOT let the name "federal" fool you.

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This place is about as federal as Federal Express.

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[Pile] A-a-a private bank?

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But, private?

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[Hartman, quietly] Shh.

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Best to keep your voice down Pile.

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[Phone ringing]

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[Ethan] This is Ethan, Federal Reserve.

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[Bill] Hey Eth, Bill here, First National.

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[Ethan] Hi there Bill, how are ya?

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[Bill] Good, good, we're running a little low on money.

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[Ethan] No problem. How much do you need?

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[Bill] Oh, how does 20 million sound?

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[Pile, loudly] What?

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[Slaps]

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[Ethan] Excellent. We'll ship it over first thing tomorrow.

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[Pile] Wait, he can just call up the Fed and ask for more money

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and they give him whatever they want?

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[Hartman] No, Pile. The Fed don't give the banks money.

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The Fed loans the banks money.

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[Slams]

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[Hartman] The banks have to pay it back with interest.

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Come on, ...

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[Pile] Wait wait wait wait, I still don't understand.

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Where does the Fed get their money? I mean if they're a private bank.

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You said they were a private bank, right?

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Okay, so who puts money into the Fed bank?

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[US MINT]