WEBVTT

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Why do we sabotage love?

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The saying goes, "Love is grand,"

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so it seems strange that many of us
set out to sabotage it.

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As it stands, there is a distinct
lack of knowledge to explain

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why some people having successfully
initiated a relationship,

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embark upon what appears to be
a path to destruction.

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They meet that great person,

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then they find faults, become untrusting,

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and assume the relationship will end,
without much evidence.

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People seem to pull the plug
on a relationship too quickly

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as things become serious or difficult,

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no matter how perfect
the potential partner might be.

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Is this you?

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Or maybe someone you know?

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Perhaps it's the person sitting
right next to you.

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Well, I suspect there
are a lot of people out there

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who are or have been
a romantic self-saboteur.

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And that is why I've decided to pursue
a PhD on this very topic.

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So yes, that is a bit of a journey.

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To understand self-sabotage
in romantic relationships,

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I have conducted two studies.

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In the first study, I interviewed
psychologists from all over Australia

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who specialize in romantic relationships.

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I really wanted to understand
what self-sabotage looks like in practice.

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After months of interviews,
I came to one conclusion:

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people do tend to behave
in similar ways or patterns

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as they move from
one relationship to the next.

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In the second study,

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I wanted to understand how people
in relationships behaved and why.

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So, to that end,

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I surveyed over 600 people
from all over the globe.

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My participants varied in age,
cultural background,

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and sexual orientation,

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but yet they answered
in very similar ways.

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So, from those interviews and surveys,
I have compiled a list of behaviors

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which are very destructive
in a relationship.

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Four of these behaviors stood out

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as they have been previously identified

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by a well-known psychologist
and researcher, John Gottman.

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These are criticism, defensiveness,
contempt, and stonewalling.

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He calls this "The Four Horsemen
of the Apocalypse."

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How fitting.

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So these might tell you how someone
might sabotage a relationship.

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As to the why, it seems that people
sabotage relationships

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for one main reason:
to protect themselves.

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That makes sense;
that is a valid way to be.

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So, there you have it - you now know
what sabotage looks like in relationships,

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how it might be done, and why.

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But hold on, things are never that simple.

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I suspect there is a lot more
to why people sabotage love.

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So, what I'd like to do today

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is to walk you through
some of the responses

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from people in my study.

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When asked to explain

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why they can't maintain
successful, long-term relationship,

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this is what my participants have said.

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Take this one:
female participant, age 25.

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"I am always afraid
it's not going to work

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or I am going to get hurt."

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Another example:
this male participant, age 41.

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"I have a fear of getting hurt
by being the one broken up with."

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Now, we know that people
who are motivated to self-protect

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tend to have difficulties
with self-esteem.

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Self-esteem is how we perceive ourselves
and our own self-worth,

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but this concept is highly validated
by social interactions.

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Let me show you another example:

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this female participant, age 34.

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"I avoid people who like me.

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I think there is something
wrong with them."

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(Laughter)

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People with self-esteem difficulties

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will self-sabotage
because they experience fret.

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Again, they do it to protect themselves.

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So overall,

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self-saboteurs hold
insecure views of themselves,

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others, and relationships.

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And this is usually due to having had
difficult relationships in the past,

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growing up, say, with their parents,
peers, or romantic partners.

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This is really tough to escape,

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and for self-saboteurs,
this is even harder.

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I have another example:
male participant, age 35.

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"My high expectations of people

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hold me back from maintaining
a successful relationship."

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Now let me tell you,
the way people choose to self-sabotage

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will be uniquely tailored
by their past experiences,

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but no matter how unique,


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their journey is often met
with a twist of fate.

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People who regularly self-sabotage


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will finally become
a self-fulfilling prophecy.

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So they tell themselves
they cannot do a task.

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Their claims will translate
their performance into real outcomes.

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It's like staring into a crystal ball,
knowing exactly what's going to happen.

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I have more examples:

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female participant, age 25.

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"I put myself in relationships
which are doomed to fail from the start

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as I have fear of being abandoned."

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Another female participant, age 25.

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"I know that me trying to maintain
a distance like that

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is one of the reasons
my relationships always fail."

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I have countless examples just like this,

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but one of them is actually standing
right in front of you.

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Hello, my name is Raquel.

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I am a recovering romantic self-saboteur.

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This is a photo of me in my hometown,
Rio de Janeiro, in Brazil.

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Before meeting my husband, 


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I found myself in a pattern
of self-sabotage.

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After years of studying
psychology and researching,

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I now know that it could be
because I was abandoned at birth

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and left for dead at a public hospital.

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I spent months at the hospital

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because I was premature
and very, very sick.

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But later, I was actually adopted
by the nurse who took care of me

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and her husband, an Air Force surgeon.

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So I'm really lucky,
and I have amazing parents.

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But this early life experience shaped me.

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I assume that people in a relationship
with me would eventually leave me.

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I also assume that all my relationships
will fail, without much evidence.

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Consequently, I am often thinking
how best to protect myself,

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and I count on the Four Horsemen
of the Apocalypse to do the job

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with criticism, defensiveness,
contempt, and stonewalling.

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Just ask my husband.

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(Laughter)

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But let me tell you, it doesn't work.

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If I have not been able to convince you
of the irony of self-sabotage just yet,

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let me try one more time.

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We do what we do to protect ourselves,
but we get hurt anyway.

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Maybe in a less public or obvious way,
but we get hurt nevertheless.

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This whole dynamic is like living
inside a Sam Smith's song

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"Too Good at Goodbyes."

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"I'm never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me,

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Because every time I open up, it hurts."

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Does that sound familiar?

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Yes, yes it does.

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That was me in relationships.

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But the way out of this cycle
is to actually find safety

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in the person that you love.

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We need a safe haven to got to
so we don't have to protect ourselves.

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I now have that with my husband.

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Let me show you some photos.
I just couldn't resist.

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Isn't he gorgeous?

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Yes.

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So, a lot of people come to me and ask,

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"How did things change to you?
What happened?"

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I have been conducting research

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into what works to maintain
long-term relationships.

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So I have combined what I have learned
into three tips for you.

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But before I tell you,

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let me just say we should not be pursuing
every relationship that comes our way.

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I would like to tell you

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to pursue those relationships
that have the potential to work -

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they are good.

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And what's standing in your way
is just self-sabotage tendencies.

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So for those,

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tip number one: insight.

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Take a really good look at yourself
and your behaviors in relationships.

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Ask yourself:

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Are you someone who needs
a lot of reassurance from your partner?

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Are you someone who gets nervous
when things get too close?

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Are you someone who counts on
the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

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to protect you?

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If yes, you could be
a romantic self-saboteur.

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But please don't shoot the messenger.

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I know these are very
uncomfortable questions.

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I just needed to think about it.

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I have told you my reasons
for wanting to protect myself.

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What are yours?

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Tip number two: expectation.

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Think about your expectations
of your romantic partners.

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Do you expect they should know
what you are thinking or want

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all the time?

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Do you get frustrated

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when they're not living up
to your expectations or standards?

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Are your expectations even realistic?

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And tip number three: collaboration.

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We need to figure out
how to collaborate with our partners

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and how even to be vulnerable together.

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Are you and your partner in the same team?

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Do you talk to your partner
about your relationship goals?

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Do you see you and your partner
together long-term?

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Now, those tips
are not an overnight solution

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or a one-size-fits-all solution.


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So it's got to take a lot of work
and a lot of patience, believe me.

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And there might be a lot more
that you need to implement

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than just these three tips.

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But this is a good start, okay?

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Because after all,
a lot of what I've talked here today

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is nothing new.

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What is new is turning
the lens on yourselves

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and starting to figure out

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what you can do to maintain
long-term and healthy relationships.

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Change is really hard, but not impossible.

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I have been on this journey now 


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for eight years, eight months,
two weeks, and three days.

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So, if you are someone who needs
to break the pattern of self-sabotage,

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please be kind on yourselves.

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It's natural to want to protect yourself,

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but the way out of it is to have insight
into who you are in a relationship,

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your expectations
of your romantic partners,

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and how best to collaborate with them.

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Because after all, if you know
who you are in a relationship,

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your partner will also have a chance
to get to know you,

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and together you can break
the pattern of sabotage.

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Let me finish by saying this:

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love will never be easy,

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but without self-sabotage,
it is a lot more reachable, believe me.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)