0:00:12.931,0:00:15.341
Why do we sabotage love?

0:00:16.253,0:00:19.343
The saying goes, "Love is grand,"

0:00:19.343,0:00:23.733
so it seems strange that many of us[br]set out to sabotage it.

0:00:24.500,0:00:29.090
As it stands, there is a distinct[br]lack of knowledge to explain

0:00:29.090,0:00:33.190
why some people having successfully[br]initiated a relationship,

0:00:33.192,0:00:36.772
embark upon what appears to be[br]a path to destruction.

0:00:37.120,0:00:39.130
They meet that great person,

0:00:39.130,0:00:44.200
then they find faults, become untrusting,

0:00:44.541,0:00:49.071
and assume the relationship will end,[br]without much evidence.

0:00:50.584,0:00:54.854
People seem to pull the plug[br]on a relationship too quickly

0:00:55.511,0:00:58.840
as things become serious or difficult,

0:00:58.840,0:01:02.430
no matter how perfect[br]the potential partner might be.

0:01:03.287,0:01:04.677
Is this you?

0:01:05.193,0:01:07.993
Or maybe someone you know?

0:01:08.317,0:01:11.167
Perhaps it's the person sitting[br]right next to you.

0:01:11.986,0:01:15.735
Well, I suspect there[br]are a lot of people out there

0:01:15.735,0:01:19.545
who are or have been[br]a romantic self-saboteur.

0:01:20.232,0:01:25.172
And that is why I've decided to pursue[br]a PhD on this very topic.

0:01:26.368,0:01:29.628
So yes, that is a bit of a journey.

0:01:29.828,0:01:34.528
To understand self-sabotage[br]in romantic relationships,

0:01:34.528,0:01:36.968
I have conducted two studies.

0:01:38.118,0:01:43.378
In the first study, I interviewed[br]psychologists from all over Australia

0:01:43.378,0:01:46.178
who specialize in romantic relationships.

0:01:46.178,0:01:51.688
I really wanted to understand[br]what self-sabotage looks like in practice.

0:01:52.250,0:01:56.060
After months of interviews,[br]I came to one conclusion:

0:01:56.415,0:02:00.475
people do tend to behave[br]in similar ways or patterns

0:02:00.475,0:02:03.805
as they move from[br]one relationship to the next.

0:02:04.947,0:02:06.817
In the second study,

0:02:06.817,0:02:12.107
I wanted to understand how people[br]in relationships behaved and why.

0:02:12.436,0:02:13.526
So, to that end,

0:02:13.526,0:02:18.196
I surveyed over 600 people[br]from all over the globe.

0:02:19.396,0:02:23.626
My participants varied in age,[br]cultural background,

0:02:23.626,0:02:26.118
and sexual orientation,

0:02:26.118,0:02:30.058
but yet they answered[br]in very similar ways.

0:02:30.808,0:02:36.838
So, from those interviews and surveys,[br]I have compiled a list of behaviors

0:02:36.838,0:02:39.968
which are very destructive[br]in a relationship.

0:02:40.730,0:02:43.680
Four of these behaviors stood out

0:02:43.680,0:02:45.990
as they have been previously identified

0:02:45.990,0:02:49.950
by a well-known psychologist[br]and researcher, John Gottman.

0:02:51.727,0:02:58.257
These are criticism, defensiveness,[br]contempt, and stonewalling.

0:02:58.790,0:03:03.370
He calls this "The Four Horsemen[br]of the Apocalypse."

0:03:03.619,0:03:05.009
How fitting.

0:03:06.106,0:03:11.246
So these might tell you how someone[br]might sabotage a relationship.

0:03:12.042,0:03:16.011
As to the why, it seems that people[br]sabotage relationships

0:03:16.011,0:03:19.551
for one main reason:[br]to protect themselves.

0:03:20.116,0:03:23.056
That makes sense;[br]that is a valid way to be.

0:03:23.416,0:03:27.695
So, there you have it - you now know[br]what sabotage looks like in relationships,

0:03:27.695,0:03:30.227
how it might be done, and why.

0:03:30.798,0:03:34.114
But hold on, things are never that simple.

0:03:34.114,0:03:38.014
I suspect there is a lot more[br]to why people sabotage love.

0:03:38.481,0:03:40.449
So, what I'd like to do today

0:03:40.449,0:03:43.179
is to walk you through[br]some of the responses

0:03:43.179,0:03:45.059
from people in my study.

0:03:45.430,0:03:47.610
When asked to explain

0:03:47.610,0:03:51.630
why they can't maintain[br]successful, long-term relationship,

0:03:52.330,0:03:54.880
this is what my participants have said.

0:03:55.688,0:03:59.548
Take this one:[br]female participant, age 25.

0:03:59.558,0:04:02.727
"I am always afraid[br]it's not going to work

0:04:02.727,0:04:05.247
or I am going to get hurt."

0:04:06.117,0:04:10.467
Another example:[br]this male participant, age 41.

0:04:10.467,0:04:15.197
"I have a fear of getting hurt[br]by being the one broken up with."

0:04:16.099,0:04:20.099
Now, we know that people[br]who are motivated to self-protect

0:04:20.099,0:04:23.659
tend to have difficulties[br]with self-esteem.

0:04:23.942,0:04:28.692
Self-esteem is how we perceive ourselves[br]and our own self-worth,

0:04:29.024,0:04:33.534
but this concept is highly validated[br]by social interactions.

0:04:33.825,0:04:35.755
Let me show you another example:

0:04:36.420,0:04:39.800
this female participant, age 34.

0:04:39.800,0:04:41.966
"I avoid people who like me.

0:04:41.966,0:04:44.556
I think there is something[br]wrong with them."

0:04:44.556,0:04:47.076
(Laughter)

0:04:49.193,0:04:51.773
People with self-esteem difficulties

0:04:52.339,0:04:55.879
will self-sabotage[br]because they experience fret.

0:04:56.539,0:04:59.749
Again, they do it to protect themselves.

0:04:59.749,0:05:01.309
So overall,

0:05:01.309,0:05:05.454
self-saboteurs hold[br]insecure views of themselves,

0:05:05.454,0:05:07.764
others, and relationships.

0:05:08.739,0:05:13.469
And this is usually due to having had[br]difficult relationships in the past,

0:05:13.469,0:05:18.659
growing up, say, with their parents,[br]peers, or romantic partners.

0:05:19.694,0:05:22.411
This is really tough to escape,

0:05:23.091,0:05:26.701
and for self-saboteurs,[br]this is even harder.

0:05:27.821,0:05:31.721
I have another example:[br]male participant, age 35.

0:05:32.105,0:05:34.445
"My high expectations of people

0:05:34.445,0:05:38.055
hold me back from maintaining[br]a successful relationship."

0:05:39.453,0:05:44.063
Now let me tell you,[br]the way people choose to self-sabotage

0:05:44.063,0:05:48.585
will be uniquely tailored[br]by their past experiences,

0:05:48.585,0:05:50.792
but no matter how unique,[br]

0:05:50.792,0:05:54.722
their journey is often met[br]with a twist of fate.

0:05:55.072,0:05:57.332
People who regularly self-sabotage[br]

0:05:57.332,0:06:00.392
will finally become[br]a self-fulfilling prophecy.

0:06:00.834,0:06:03.944
So they tell themselves[br]they cannot do a task.

0:06:03.944,0:06:08.354
Their claims will translate[br]their performance into real outcomes.

0:06:08.851,0:06:13.511
It's like staring into a crystal ball,[br]knowing exactly what's going to happen.

0:06:14.234,0:06:15.994
I have more examples:

0:06:16.584,0:06:19.164
female participant, age 25.

0:06:19.451,0:06:23.451
"I put myself in relationships[br]which are doomed to fail from the start

0:06:23.451,0:06:26.481
as I have fear of being abandoned."

0:06:28.087,0:06:31.417
Another female participant, age 25.

0:06:31.417,0:06:34.137
"I know that me trying to maintain[br]a distance like that

0:06:34.137,0:06:38.027
is one of the reasons[br]my relationships always fail."

0:06:38.755,0:06:42.555
I have countless examples just like this,

0:06:42.913,0:06:46.803
but one of them is actually standing[br]right in front of you.

0:06:47.630,0:06:50.250
Hello, my name is Raquel.

0:06:50.654,0:06:53.694
I am a recovering romantic self-saboteur.

0:06:55.968,0:07:01.128
This is a photo of me in my hometown,[br]Rio de Janeiro, in Brazil.

0:07:02.037,0:07:04.807
Before meeting my husband, [br]

0:07:05.207,0:07:08.897
I found myself in a pattern[br]of self-sabotage.

0:07:09.665,0:07:13.475
After years of studying[br]psychology and researching,

0:07:13.475,0:07:18.135
I now know that it could be[br]because I was abandoned at birth

0:07:18.135,0:07:20.845
and left for dead at a public hospital.

0:07:21.369,0:07:22.871
I spent months at the hospital

0:07:22.871,0:07:25.731
because I was premature[br]and very, very sick.

0:07:27.074,0:07:31.884
But later, I was actually adopted[br]by the nurse who took care of me

0:07:31.884,0:07:35.174
and her husband, an Air Force surgeon.

0:07:35.844,0:07:40.105
So I'm really lucky,[br]and I have amazing parents.

0:07:40.286,0:07:44.926
But this early life experience shaped me.

0:07:45.698,0:07:51.328
I assume that people in a relationship[br]with me would eventually leave me.

0:07:51.564,0:07:56.594
I also assume that all my relationships[br]will fail, without much evidence.

0:07:57.688,0:08:02.708
Consequently, I am often thinking[br]how best to protect myself,

0:08:03.025,0:08:07.205
and I count on the Four Horsemen[br]of the Apocalypse to do the job

0:08:07.205,0:08:12.665
with criticism, defensiveness,[br]contempt, and stonewalling.

0:08:12.665,0:08:14.605
Just ask my husband.

0:08:14.605,0:08:16.075
(Laughter)

0:08:16.075,0:08:19.207
But let me tell you, it doesn't work.

0:08:20.067,0:08:25.297
If I have not been able to convince you[br]of the irony of self-sabotage just yet,

0:08:25.303,0:08:27.483
let me try one more time.

0:08:27.483,0:08:32.183
We do what we do to protect ourselves,[br]but we get hurt anyway.

0:08:32.183,0:08:37.905
Maybe in a less public or obvious way,[br]but we get hurt nevertheless.

0:08:37.905,0:08:42.242
This whole dynamic is like living[br]inside a Sam Smith's song

0:08:42.563,0:08:44.653
"Too Good at Goodbyes."

0:08:44.653,0:08:48.828
"I'm never gonna let you close to me[br]Even though you mean the most to me,

0:08:48.828,0:08:51.758
Because every time I open up, it hurts."

0:08:52.488,0:08:54.298
Does that sound familiar?

0:08:54.298,0:08:56.528
Yes, yes it does.

0:08:57.186,0:08:59.846
That was me in relationships.

0:09:00.662,0:09:05.102
But the way out of this cycle[br]is to actually find safety

0:09:05.102,0:09:07.062
in the person that you love.

0:09:07.062,0:09:11.792
We need a safe haven to got to[br]so we don't have to protect ourselves.

0:09:12.309,0:09:13.859
I now have that with my husband.

0:09:13.859,0:09:16.289
Let me show you some photos.[br]I just couldn't resist.

0:09:16.289,0:09:18.569
Isn't he gorgeous?

0:09:18.569,0:09:19.667
Yes.

0:09:20.695,0:09:23.095
So, a lot of people come to me and ask,

0:09:23.095,0:09:26.585
"How did things change to you?[br]What happened?"

0:09:26.585,0:09:28.085
I have been conducting research

0:09:28.085,0:09:31.315
into what works to maintain[br]long-term relationships.

0:09:31.315,0:09:35.566
So I have combined what I have learned[br]into three tips for you.

0:09:35.967,0:09:37.627
But before I tell you,

0:09:37.627,0:09:42.767
let me just say we should not be pursuing[br]every relationship that comes our way.

0:09:42.767,0:09:43.917
I would like to tell you

0:09:43.917,0:09:47.327
to pursue those relationships[br]that have the potential to work -

0:09:47.327,0:09:48.477
they are good.

0:09:48.477,0:09:52.477
And what's standing in your way[br]is just self-sabotage tendencies.

0:09:52.757,0:09:54.007
So for those,

0:09:54.007,0:09:56.907
tip number one: insight.

0:09:56.907,0:10:01.007
Take a really good look at yourself[br]and your behaviors in relationships.

0:10:01.291,0:10:02.861
Ask yourself:

0:10:02.861,0:10:06.211
Are you someone who needs[br]a lot of reassurance from your partner?

0:10:07.451,0:10:11.651
Are you someone who gets nervous[br]when things get too close?

0:10:12.059,0:10:15.587
Are you someone who counts on[br]the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

0:10:15.587,0:10:16.907
to protect you?

0:10:17.507,0:10:21.307
If yes, you could be[br]a romantic self-saboteur.

0:10:21.906,0:10:25.116
But please don't shoot the messenger.

0:10:25.457,0:10:28.527
I know these are very[br]uncomfortable questions.

0:10:28.747,0:10:30.827
I just needed to think about it.

0:10:30.827,0:10:35.007
I have told you my reasons[br]for wanting to protect myself.

0:10:35.007,0:10:36.077
What are yours?

0:10:38.246,0:10:40.866
Tip number two: expectation.

0:10:40.866,0:10:44.376
Think about your expectations[br]of your romantic partners.

0:10:44.496,0:10:47.946
Do you expect they should know[br]what you are thinking or want

0:10:47.946,0:10:49.276
all the time?

0:10:49.776,0:10:51.716
Do you get frustrated

0:10:51.716,0:10:55.526
when they're not living up[br]to your expectations or standards?

0:10:56.349,0:10:59.799
Are your expectations even realistic?

0:11:01.264,0:11:04.574
And tip number three: collaboration.

0:11:04.574,0:11:07.334
We need to figure out[br]how to collaborate with our partners

0:11:07.334,0:11:10.174
and how even to be vulnerable together.

0:11:10.734,0:11:13.464
Are you and your partner in the same team?

0:11:13.982,0:11:17.142
Do you talk to your partner[br]about your relationship goals?

0:11:17.795,0:11:21.685
Do you see you and your partner[br]together long-term?

0:11:22.920,0:11:27.030
Now, those tips[br]are not an overnight solution

0:11:27.030,0:11:30.047
or a one-size-fits-all solution.[br]

0:11:30.457,0:11:34.787
So it's got to take a lot of work[br]and a lot of patience, believe me.

0:11:34.787,0:11:38.787
And there might be a lot more[br]that you need to implement

0:11:38.787,0:11:40.877
than just these three tips.

0:11:41.132,0:11:43.692
But this is a good start, okay?

0:11:43.692,0:11:47.912
Because after all,[br]a lot of what I've talked here today

0:11:47.912,0:11:49.142
is nothing new.

0:11:49.825,0:11:52.905
What is new is turning[br]the lens on yourselves

0:11:52.905,0:11:54.219
and starting to figure out

0:11:54.219,0:11:58.849
what you can do to maintain[br]long-term and healthy relationships.

0:12:00.194,0:12:04.454
Change is really hard, but not impossible.

0:12:04.454,0:12:06.319
I have been on this journey now [br]

0:12:06.319,0:12:10.629
for eight years, eight months,[br]two weeks, and three days.

0:12:11.959,0:12:15.749
So, if you are someone who needs[br]to break the pattern of self-sabotage,

0:12:16.046,0:12:17.976
please be kind on yourselves.

0:12:17.976,0:12:20.386
It's natural to want to protect yourself,

0:12:20.386,0:12:25.196
but the way out of it is to have insight[br]into who you are in a relationship,

0:12:25.196,0:12:27.569
your expectations[br]of your romantic partners,

0:12:27.569,0:12:30.029
and how best to collaborate with them.

0:12:30.032,0:12:33.752
Because after all, if you know[br]who you are in a relationship,

0:12:33.752,0:12:37.272
your partner will also have a chance[br]to get to know you,

0:12:37.272,0:12:41.132
and together you can break[br]the pattern of sabotage.

0:12:41.733,0:12:44.323
Let me finish by saying this:

0:12:45.143,0:12:48.093
love will never be easy,

0:12:48.093,0:12:53.213
but without self-sabotage,[br]it is a lot more reachable, believe me.

0:12:53.213,0:12:54.844
Thank you.

0:12:54.844,0:12:56.124
(Applause)