0:00:01.441,0:00:03.857 Speaking up is hard to do. 0:00:04.588,0:00:09.507 I understood the true meaning[br]of this phrase exactly one month ago, 0:00:09.531,0:00:12.434 when my wife and I became new parents. 0:00:13.113,0:00:14.791 It was an amazing moment. 0:00:14.815,0:00:17.000 It was exhilarating and elating, 0:00:17.024,0:00:20.345 but it was also scary and terrifying. 0:00:20.369,0:00:24.571 And it got particularly terrifying[br]when we got home from the hospital, 0:00:24.595,0:00:26.056 and we were unsure 0:00:26.080,0:00:30.169 whether our little baby boy was getting[br]enough nutrients from breastfeeding. 0:00:30.616,0:00:33.943 And we wanted to call our pediatrician, 0:00:33.967,0:00:36.542 but we also didn't want[br]to make a bad first impression 0:00:36.566,0:00:39.030 or come across as a crazy,[br]neurotic parent. 0:00:39.054,0:00:40.701 So we worried. 0:00:40.725,0:00:42.107 And we waited. 0:00:42.131,0:00:44.426 When we got to the doctor's office[br]the next day, 0:00:44.450,0:00:48.704 she immediately gave him formula[br]because he was pretty dehydrated. 0:00:49.312,0:00:50.746 Our son is fine now, 0:00:50.770,0:00:53.726 and our doctor has reassured us[br]we can always contact her. 0:00:54.106,0:00:55.632 But in that moment, 0:00:55.656,0:00:58.290 I should've spoken up, but I didn't. 0:00:58.943,0:01:02.238 But sometimes we speak up[br]when we shouldn't, 0:01:02.262,0:01:06.188 and I learned that over 10 years ago[br]when I let my twin brother down. 0:01:06.579,0:01:09.221 My twin brother[br]is a documentary filmmaker, 0:01:09.245,0:01:10.775 and for one of his first films, 0:01:10.799,0:01:13.414 he got an offer[br]from a distribution company. 0:01:13.438,0:01:14.776 He was excited, 0:01:14.800,0:01:17.467 and he was inclined to accept the offer. 0:01:17.491,0:01:19.584 But as a negotiations researcher, 0:01:19.608,0:01:22.561 I insisted he make a counteroffer, 0:01:22.585,0:01:25.815 and I helped him craft the perfect one. 0:01:25.839,0:01:27.520 And it was perfect -- 0:01:27.544,0:01:29.548 it was perfectly insulting. 0:01:30.423,0:01:32.136 The company was so offended, 0:01:32.160,0:01:34.209 they literally withdrew the offer 0:01:34.233,0:01:36.450 and my brother was left with nothing. 0:01:36.474,0:01:40.334 And I've asked people all over the world[br]about this dilemma of speaking up: 0:01:40.358,0:01:42.192 when they can assert themselves, 0:01:42.216,0:01:43.930 when they can push their interests, 0:01:43.954,0:01:46.149 when they can express an opinion, 0:01:46.173,0:01:48.384 when they can make an ambitious ask. 0:01:48.887,0:01:53.120 And the range of stories[br]are varied and diverse, 0:01:53.144,0:01:55.815 but they also make up[br]a universal tapestry. 0:01:55.839,0:01:58.517 Can I correct my boss[br]when they make a mistake? 0:01:58.541,0:02:02.644 Can I confront my coworker[br]who keeps stepping on my toes? 0:02:02.996,0:02:06.063 Can I challenge my friends[br]in sensitive joke? 0:02:06.390,0:02:10.486 Can I tell the person I love the most[br]my deepest insecurities? 0:02:10.963,0:02:13.676 And through these experiences,[br]I've come to recognize 0:02:13.700,0:02:17.557 that each of us have something called[br]a range of acceptable behavior. 0:02:17.581,0:02:22.832 Now, sometimes we're too strong;[br]we push ourselves too much. 0:02:22.856,0:02:24.619 That's what happened with my brother. 0:02:24.643,0:02:29.269 Even making an offer was outside[br]his range of acceptable behavior. 0:02:29.663,0:02:31.187 But sometimes we're too weak. 0:02:31.211,0:02:33.275 That's what happened with my wife and I. 0:02:33.299,0:02:35.515 And this range of acceptable behaviors -- 0:02:35.539,0:02:38.634 when we stay within our range,[br]we're rewarded. 0:02:38.658,0:02:42.827 When we step outside that range,[br]we get punished in a variety of ways. 0:02:42.851,0:02:45.990 We get dismissed or demeaned[br]or even ostracized. 0:02:46.014,0:02:49.273 Or we lose that raise[br]or that promotion or that deal. 0:02:49.929,0:02:52.693 Now, the first thing we need to know is: 0:02:52.717,0:02:54.205 What is my range? 0:02:54.744,0:02:58.689 But the key thing is,[br]our range isn't fixed; 0:02:59.265,0:03:00.681 it's actually pretty dynamic. 0:03:00.705,0:03:04.961 It expands and it narrows[br]based on the context. 0:03:05.344,0:03:09.472 And there's one thing that determines[br]that range more than anything else, 0:03:10.038,0:03:11.331 and that's your power. 0:03:11.355,0:03:13.512 Your power determines your range. 0:03:13.536,0:03:14.973 What is power? 0:03:14.997,0:03:16.764 Power comes in lots of forms. 0:03:16.788,0:03:19.877 In negotiations, it comes[br]in the form of alternatives. 0:03:19.901,0:03:21.901 So my brother had no alternatives; 0:03:21.925,0:03:23.112 he lacked power. 0:03:23.136,0:03:24.956 The company had lots of alternatives; 0:03:24.980,0:03:26.146 they had power. 0:03:26.170,0:03:29.230 Sometimes it's being new[br]to a country, like an immigrant, 0:03:29.254,0:03:30.713 or new to an organization 0:03:30.737,0:03:32.296 or new to an experience, 0:03:32.320,0:03:34.425 like my wife and I as new parents. 0:03:34.449,0:03:35.950 Sometimes it's at work, 0:03:35.974,0:03:38.585 where someone's the boss[br]and someone's the subordinate. 0:03:38.609,0:03:40.293 Sometimes it's in relationships, 0:03:40.317,0:03:43.298 where one person's more invested[br]than the other person. 0:03:43.322,0:03:46.837 And the key thing is that when[br]we have lots of power, 0:03:46.861,0:03:48.690 our range is very wide. 0:03:48.714,0:03:51.345 We have a lot of leeway in how to behave. 0:03:51.813,0:03:54.141 But when we lack power, our range narrows. 0:03:54.537,0:03:56.332 We have very little leeway. 0:03:56.947,0:03:59.729 The problem is that when[br]our range narrows, 0:03:59.753,0:04:03.856 that produces something called[br]the low-power double bind. 0:04:04.310,0:04:06.983 The low-power double bind happens 0:04:07.007,0:04:09.944 when, if we don't speak up,[br]we go unnoticed, 0:04:10.576,0:04:12.918 but if we do speak up, we get punished. 0:04:13.359,0:04:16.070 Now, many of you have heard[br]the phrase the "double bind" 0:04:16.094,0:04:19.041 and connected it with one thing,[br]and that's gender. 0:04:19.065,0:04:23.275 The gender double bind is women[br]who don't speak up go unnoticed, 0:04:23.299,0:04:25.730 and women who do speak up get punished. 0:04:26.127,0:04:31.111 And the key thing is that women have[br]the same need as men to speak up, 0:04:31.135,0:04:33.032 but they have barriers to doing so. 0:04:34.004,0:04:37.282 But what my research has shown[br]over the last two decades 0:04:37.306,0:04:40.587 is that what looks[br]like a gender difference 0:04:41.035,0:04:43.432 is not really a gender double bind, 0:04:43.456,0:04:45.812 it's a really a low-power double bind. 0:04:45.836,0:04:47.720 And what looks like a gender difference 0:04:47.744,0:04:50.850 are really often just power[br]differences in disguise. 0:04:51.394,0:04:54.117 Oftentimes we see a difference[br]between a man and a woman 0:04:54.141,0:04:55.339 or men and women, 0:04:55.363,0:04:58.971 and think, "Biological cause.[br]There's something fundamentally different 0:04:58.995,0:05:00.241 about the sexes." 0:05:00.265,0:05:02.119 But in study after study, 0:05:02.143,0:05:06.349 I've found that a better explanation[br]for many sex differences 0:05:06.893,0:05:08.405 is really power. 0:05:08.429,0:05:11.496 And so it's the low-power double bind. 0:05:11.975,0:05:16.791 And the low-power double bind[br]means that we have a narrow range 0:05:16.815,0:05:18.645 and we lack power. 0:05:18.669,0:05:19.901 We have a narrow range, 0:05:19.925,0:05:21.847 and our double bind is very large. 0:05:22.335,0:05:24.691 So we need to find ways[br]to expand our range. 0:05:24.715,0:05:26.292 And over the last couple decades, 0:05:26.316,0:05:29.297 my colleagues and I have found[br]two things really matter. 0:05:29.887,0:05:33.892 The first: you seem powerful[br]in your own eyes. 0:05:34.284,0:05:37.605 The second: you seem powerful[br]in the eyes of others. 0:05:37.629,0:05:39.484 When I feel powerful, 0:05:40.117,0:05:41.992 I feel confident, not fearful; 0:05:42.016,0:05:43.858 I expand my own range. 0:05:43.882,0:05:46.028 When other people see me as powerful, 0:05:46.614,0:05:49.150 they grant me a wider range. 0:05:49.174,0:05:53.928 So we need tools to expand[br]our range of acceptable behavior. 0:05:53.952,0:05:56.343 And I'm going to give you[br]a set of tools today. 0:05:56.367,0:05:57.985 Speaking up is risky, 0:05:58.503,0:06:02.432 but these tools will lower[br]your risk of speaking up. 0:06:03.067,0:06:08.901 The first tool I'm going to give you[br]got discovered in negotiations 0:06:08.925,0:06:10.305 in an important finding. 0:06:10.329,0:06:14.225 On average, women make[br]less ambitions offers, 0:06:14.249,0:06:17.723 and get worse outcomes than men[br]at the bargaining table. 0:06:18.200,0:06:21.317 But Hannah Riley Bowles[br]and Emily Amanatullah have discovered 0:06:21.341,0:06:25.019 there's one situation[br]where women get the same outcomes as men 0:06:25.043,0:06:26.642 and are just as ambitious. 0:06:27.196,0:06:30.804 That's when they advocate for others. 0:06:31.251,0:06:33.388 When they advocate for others, 0:06:33.412,0:06:38.289 they discover their own range[br]and expand it in their own mind. 0:06:38.313,0:06:39.722 They become more assertive. 0:06:39.746,0:06:42.620 This is sometimes called[br]"the mama bear effect." 0:06:43.483,0:06:45.742 Like a mama bear defending her cubs, 0:06:45.766,0:06:49.714 when we advocate for others,[br]we can discover our own voice. 0:06:50.328,0:06:53.445 But sometimes, we have[br]to advocate for ourselves. 0:06:53.469,0:06:54.809 How do we do that? 0:06:54.833,0:06:58.838 One of the most important tools[br]we have to advocate for ourselves 0:06:58.862,0:07:01.234 is something called perspective-taking. 0:07:01.258,0:07:04.010 And perspective-taking is really simple: 0:07:04.034,0:07:08.319 it's simply looking at the world[br]through the eyes of another person. 0:07:09.014,0:07:12.802 It's one of the most important tools[br]we have to expand our range. 0:07:12.826,0:07:14.533 When I take your perspective, 0:07:14.557,0:07:16.996 and I think about what you really want, 0:07:17.020,0:07:20.390 you're more likely to give me[br]what I really want. 0:07:21.461,0:07:22.961 But here's the problem: 0:07:22.985,0:07:25.266 perspective-taking is hard to do. 0:07:25.290,0:07:26.820 So let's do a little experiment. 0:07:26.844,0:07:29.858 I want you all to hold[br]your hand just like this: 0:07:29.882,0:07:31.177 your finger -- put it up. 0:07:31.770,0:07:36.002 And I want you to draw[br]a capital letter E on your forehead 0:07:36.026,0:07:37.607 as quickly as possible. 0:07:40.066,0:07:43.383 OK, it turns out that we can[br]draw this E in one of two ways, 0:07:43.407,0:07:46.892 and this was originally designed[br]as a test of perspective-taking. 0:07:46.916,0:07:48.837 I'm going to show you two pictures 0:07:48.861,0:07:50.861 of someone with an E on their forehead -- 0:07:50.885,0:07:52.743 my former student, Erika Hall. 0:07:53.294,0:07:55.262 And you can see over here, 0:07:55.286,0:07:56.553 that's the correct E. 0:07:56.577,0:08:00.027 I drew the E so it looks like[br]an E to another person. 0:08:00.051,0:08:02.158 That's the perspective-taking E, 0:08:02.182,0:08:05.237 because it looks like an E[br]from someone else's vantage point. 0:08:05.261,0:08:08.271 But this E over here[br]is the self-focused E. 0:08:08.856,0:08:10.509 We often get self-focused. 0:08:10.533,0:08:13.500 And we particularly get[br]self-focused in a crisis. 0:08:14.064,0:08:16.235 I want to tell you[br]about a particular crisis. 0:08:16.259,0:08:19.263 A man walks into a bank[br]in Watsonville, California. 0:08:20.285,0:08:22.724 And he says, "Give me $2,000, 0:08:22.748,0:08:25.044 or I'm blowing the whole bank[br]up with a bomb." 0:08:25.503,0:08:28.028 Now, the bank manager[br]didn't give him the money. 0:08:28.052,0:08:29.351 She took a step back. 0:08:29.873,0:08:31.329 She took his perspective, 0:08:31.353,0:08:33.720 and she noticed something[br]really important. 0:08:33.744,0:08:36.450 He asked for a specific amount of money. 0:08:36.474,0:08:37.679 So she said, 0:08:38.669,0:08:40.928 "Why did you ask for $2,000?" 0:08:41.265,0:08:43.633 And he said, "My friend[br]is going to be evicted 0:08:43.657,0:08:45.920 unless I get him $2,000 immediately." 0:08:45.944,0:08:48.994 And she said, "Oh! You don't want[br]to rob the bank -- 0:08:49.018,0:08:50.506 you want to take out a loan." 0:08:50.530,0:08:51.615 (Laughter) 0:08:51.639,0:08:53.512 "Why don't you come back to my office, 0:08:53.536,0:08:55.715 and we can have you[br]fill out the paperwork." 0:08:55.739,0:08:56.778 (Laughter) 0:08:57.214,0:09:01.717 Now, her quick perspective-taking[br]diffused a volatile situation. 0:09:02.276,0:09:04.095 So when we take someone's perspective, 0:09:04.119,0:09:08.725 it allows us to be ambitious[br]and assertive, but still be likable. 0:09:09.182,0:09:12.450 Here's another way to be assertive[br]but still be likable, 0:09:12.474,0:09:15.005 and that is to signal flexibility. 0:09:15.413,0:09:19.475 Now, imagine you're a car salesperson[br]and you want to sell someone a car. 0:09:19.790,0:09:23.793 You're going to more likely make the sale[br]if you give them two options. 0:09:24.141,0:09:25.564 Let's say option A: 0:09:25.588,0:09:28.688 $24,000 for this car[br]and a five-year warranty. 0:09:29.084,0:09:30.257 Or option B: 0:09:30.701,0:09:33.493 $23,000 and a three-year warranty. 0:09:33.845,0:09:37.423 My research shows that when you give[br]people a choice among options, 0:09:37.447,0:09:39.336 it lowers their defenses, 0:09:39.360,0:09:41.558 and they're more likely[br]to accept your offer. 0:09:42.202,0:09:44.319 And this doesn't just[br]work with salespeople; 0:09:44.343,0:09:45.534 it works with parents. 0:09:45.558,0:09:46.837 When my niece was four, 0:09:46.861,0:09:49.778 she resisted getting dressed[br]and rejected everything. 0:09:50.160,0:09:52.688 But then my sister-in-law[br]had a brilliant idea. 0:09:53.079,0:09:55.630 What if I gave my daughter a choice? 0:09:55.654,0:09:57.675 This shirt or that shirt? OK, that shirt. 0:09:57.699,0:09:59.821 This pant or that pant? OK, that pant. 0:09:59.845,0:10:01.183 And it worked brilliantly. 0:10:01.207,0:10:04.741 She got dressed quickly[br]and without resistance. 0:10:05.498,0:10:07.785 When I've asked the question[br]around the world 0:10:07.809,0:10:09.860 when people feel comfortable speaking up, 0:10:09.884,0:10:11.220 the number one answer is: 0:10:11.244,0:10:15.998 "When I have social support[br]in my audience; when I have allies." 0:10:16.022,0:10:19.568 So we want to get allies on our side. 0:10:19.957,0:10:21.227 How do we do that? 0:10:21.841,0:10:24.010 Well, one of the ways is be a mama bear. 0:10:24.034,0:10:25.510 When we advocate for others, 0:10:25.534,0:10:29.063 we expand our range in our own eyes[br]and the eyes of others, 0:10:29.087,0:10:31.243 but we also earn strong allies. 0:10:31.806,0:10:36.513 Another way we can earn strong allies,[br]especially in high places, 0:10:36.537,0:10:39.386 is by asking other people for advice. 0:10:39.410,0:10:45.291 When we ask others for advice,[br]they like us because we flatter them, 0:10:45.315,0:10:46.802 and we're expressing humility. 0:10:47.281,0:10:50.477 And this really works to solve[br]another double bind. 0:10:50.831,0:10:53.159 And that's the self-promotion double bind. 0:10:53.498,0:10:55.002 The self-promotion double bind 0:10:55.026,0:10:58.181 is that if we don't advertise[br]our accomplishments, 0:10:58.205,0:10:59.415 no one notices. 0:10:59.439,0:11:01.843 And if we do, we're not likable. 0:11:01.867,0:11:05.433 But if we ask for advice[br]about one of our accomplishments, 0:11:05.457,0:11:09.767 we are able to be competent[br]in their eyes but also be likeable. 0:11:10.495,0:11:12.502 And this is so powerful, 0:11:12.526,0:11:15.074 it even works when you see it coming. 0:11:15.469,0:11:19.509 There have been multiple times in life[br]when I have been forewarned 0:11:19.533,0:11:23.971 that a low-power person has been given[br]the advice to come ask me for advice. 0:11:24.289,0:11:26.531 I want you to notice[br]three things about this: 0:11:26.555,0:11:29.543 First, I knew they were going[br]to come ask me for advice. 0:11:29.930,0:11:33.932 Two, I've actually done research[br]on the strategic benefits 0:11:33.956,0:11:35.257 of asking for advice. 0:11:35.882,0:11:38.208 And three, it still worked! 0:11:38.656,0:11:39.873 I took their perspective, 0:11:39.897,0:11:42.084 I became more invested in their calls, 0:11:42.108,0:11:45.914 I became more committed to them[br]because they asked for advice. 0:11:46.343,0:11:49.527 Now, another time we feel[br]more confident speaking up 0:11:49.949,0:11:51.690 is when we have expertise. 0:11:52.144,0:11:54.299 Expertise gives us credibility. 0:11:54.862,0:11:57.789 When we have high power,[br]we already have credibility. 0:11:57.813,0:11:59.278 We only need good evidence. 0:11:59.777,0:12:02.747 When we lack power,[br]we don't have the credibility. 0:12:02.771,0:12:05.033 We need excellent evidence. 0:12:05.394,0:12:09.141 And one of the ways[br]we can come across as an expert 0:12:09.165,0:12:11.263 is by tapping into our passion. 0:12:11.784,0:12:15.958 I want everyone in the next few days[br]to go up to friend of theirs 0:12:15.982,0:12:17.227 and just say to them, 0:12:17.251,0:12:19.961 "I want you to describe[br]a passion of yours to me." 0:12:20.738,0:12:23.223 I've had people do this all over the world 0:12:23.247,0:12:24.503 and I asked them, 0:12:24.527,0:12:26.696 "What did you notice[br]about the other person 0:12:26.720,0:12:28.774 when they described their passion?" 0:12:28.798,0:12:30.698 And the answers are always the same. 0:12:30.722,0:12:32.730 "Their eyes lit up and got big." 0:12:32.754,0:12:35.703 "They smiled a big beaming smile." 0:12:35.727,0:12:37.371 "They used their hands all over -- 0:12:37.395,0:12:39.847 I had to duck because their[br]hands were coming at me. 0:12:39.871,0:12:42.082 "They talk quickly[br]with a little higher pitch." 0:12:42.106,0:12:43.110 (Laughter) 0:12:43.134,0:12:45.578 "They leaned in[br]as if telling me a secret." 0:12:45.602,0:12:46.923 And then I said to them, 0:12:46.947,0:12:50.021 "What happened to you[br]as you listened to their passion?" 0:12:50.374,0:12:52.654 They said, "My eyes lit up. 0:12:52.678,0:12:53.948 I smiled. 0:12:53.972,0:12:55.345 I leaned in." 0:12:55.369,0:12:57.438 When we tap into our passion, 0:12:57.462,0:13:00.828 we give ourselves the courage,[br]in our own eyes, to speak up, 0:13:00.852,0:13:03.720 but we also get the permission[br]from others to speak up. 0:13:04.534,0:13:09.824 Tapping into our passion even works[br]when we come across as too weak. 0:13:10.533,0:13:15.007 Both men and women get punished[br]at work when they shed tears. 0:13:15.344,0:13:21.762 But Lizzie Wolf has shown that when[br]we frame our strong emotions as passion, 0:13:21.786,0:13:27.872 the condemnation of our crying[br]disappears for both men and women. 0:13:28.598,0:13:32.066 I want to end with a few words[br]from my late father 0:13:32.090,0:13:34.251 that he spoke at my twin[br]brother's wedding. 0:13:34.675,0:13:36.260 Here's a picture of us. 0:13:37.664,0:13:39.921 My dad was a psychologist like me, 0:13:39.945,0:13:43.667 but his real love and his real[br]passion was cinema, 0:13:43.691,0:13:44.891 like my brother. 0:13:44.915,0:13:47.481 And so he wrote a speech[br]for my brother's wedding 0:13:47.505,0:13:50.654 about the roles we play[br]in the human comedy. 0:13:50.678,0:13:52.967 And he said, "The lighter your touch, 0:13:52.991,0:13:56.843 the better you become at improving[br]and enriching your performance. 0:13:57.170,0:14:01.256 Those who embrace their roles[br]and work to improve their performance 0:14:02.001,0:14:04.620 grow, change and expand the self. 0:14:05.067,0:14:06.375 Play it well, 0:14:06.399,0:14:08.372 and your days will be mostly joyful." 0:14:08.946,0:14:10.571 What my dad was saying 0:14:10.595,0:14:14.381 is that we've all been assigned[br]ranges and roles in this world. 0:14:15.048,0:14:18.513 But he was also saying[br]the essence of this talk: 0:14:19.005,0:14:24.022 those roles and ranges are constantly[br]expanding and evolving. 0:14:24.770,0:14:26.532 So when a scene calls for it, 0:14:27.114,0:14:28.730 be a ferocious mama bear 0:14:29.251,0:14:30.893 and a humble advice seeker. 0:14:31.802,0:14:35.515 Have excellent evidence and strong allies. 0:14:35.910,0:14:38.248 Be a passionate perspective taker. 0:14:38.770,0:14:40.490 And if you use those tools -- 0:14:40.514,0:14:44.080 and each and every one of you[br]can use these tools -- 0:14:44.104,0:14:47.970 you will expand your range[br]of acceptable behavior, 0:14:47.994,0:14:50.952 and your days will be mostly joyful. 0:14:52.082,0:14:53.232 Thank you. 0:14:53.256,0:14:54.406 (Applause)