[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:01.50,0:00:04.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Speaking up is hard to do.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:04.74,0:00:09.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I understood the true meaning\Nof this phrase exactly one month ago,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:09.68,0:00:12.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when my wife and I became new parents.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:13.11,0:00:15.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was an amazing moment.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.05,0:00:17.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was exhilarating and elating,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.26,0:00:20.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it was also scary and terrifying.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:20.43,0:00:24.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it got particularly terrifying\Nwhen we got home from the hospital.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:24.85,0:00:26.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we were unsure
Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.33,0:00:30.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whether our little baby boy was getting\Nenough nutrients from breastfeeding.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:30.88,0:00:34.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we wanted to call our pediatrician,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.06,0:00:36.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we also didn't want\Nto make a bad first impression,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:36.67,0:00:38.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or come across as a crazy,\Nneurotic parent.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.23,0:00:40.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So we worried ...
Dialogue: 0,0:00:40.90,0:00:42.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we waited.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.30,0:00:44.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we got to the doctor's\Noffice the next day,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.56,0:00:48.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she immediately gave him formula\Nbecause he was pretty dehydrated.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:49.52,0:00:50.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our son is fine now,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:50.98,0:00:54.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and our doctor has reassured us\Nwe can always contact her,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:54.35,0:00:55.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but in that moment,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.90,0:00:57.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I should've spoken up,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:57.70,0:00:59.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I didn't.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.08,0:01:02.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But sometimes we speak up\Nwhen we shouldn't,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:02.52,0:01:06.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I learned that over 10 years ago\Nwhen I let my twin brother down.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.79,0:01:09.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My twin brother is\Na documentary filmmaker,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.45,0:01:11.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and for one of his first films,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:11.00,0:01:13.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he got an offer from\Na distribution company.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:13.76,0:01:15.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he was excited,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.12,0:01:17.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he was inclined to accept the offer,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:17.71,0:01:19.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but as a negotiations researcher,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:19.95,0:01:22.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I insisted he make a counteroffer,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:22.97,0:01:25.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I helped him craft the perfect one.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.98,0:01:27.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was perfect --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:27.81,0:01:29.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was perfectly insulting.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:30.48,0:01:32.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The company was so offended,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:32.44,0:01:34.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they literally withdrew the offer,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.51,0:01:36.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my brother was left with nothing.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:36.75,0:01:40.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I've asked people all over the world\Nabout this dilemma of speaking up:
Dialogue: 0,0:01:40.63,0:01:42.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when they can assert themselves,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:42.49,0:01:44.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when they can push their interests,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:44.23,0:01:46.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when they can express an opinion,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.44,0:01:48.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when they can make an ambitious ask.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:49.03,0:01:53.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the range of stories\Nare varied and diverse,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.29,0:01:55.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but they also make up\Na universal tapestry.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:56.05,0:01:58.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can I correct my boss\Nwhen they make a mistake?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.75,0:02:03.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can I confront my coworker\Nwho keeps stepping on my toes?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.13,0:02:06.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can I challenge my friends\Nin sensitive joke?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:06.57,0:02:11.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can I tell the person I love the most\Nmy deepest insecurities?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:11.18,0:02:12.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And through these experiences,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.71,0:02:13.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've come to recognize
Dialogue: 0,0:02:13.91,0:02:17.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that each of us have something called\Na range of acceptable behavior.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.79,0:02:21.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now sometimes we're too strong;
Dialogue: 0,0:02:21.59,0:02:23.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we push ourselves too much.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:23.08,0:02:24.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's what happened with my brother.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.82,0:02:29.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even making an offer was outside\Nhis range of acceptable behavior.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.79,0:02:31.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But sometimes we're too weak.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.54,0:02:33.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's what happened with my wife and I.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:33.51,0:02:35.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this range of acceptable behaviors --
Dialogue: 0,0:02:35.94,0:02:37.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when we start within our range,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.59,0:02:38.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we're rewarded.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:38.97,0:02:40.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we step outside that range,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:40.85,0:02:43.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we get punished in a variety of ways.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:43.00,0:02:44.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We get dismissed or demeaned,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.76,0:02:46.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or even ostracized.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:46.16,0:02:49.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or we lose that raise,\Nor that promotion or that deal.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:50.10,0:02:52.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now the first thing we need to know is:
Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.88,0:02:54.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what is my range?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:54.97,0:02:59.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the key thing is\Nour range isn't fixed;
Dialogue: 0,0:02:59.47,0:03:01.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's actually pretty dynamic.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:01.05,0:03:05.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It expands and it narrows\Nbased on the context.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:05.51,0:03:10.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there's one thing that determines\Nthat range more than anything else,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:10.20,0:03:11.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that's your power.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:11.64,0:03:13.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Your power determines your range.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.82,0:03:15.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What is power?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:15.28,0:03:16.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Power comes in lots of forms.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.97,0:03:19.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In negotiations it comes\Nin the form of alternatives.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:19.90,0:03:22.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So my brother had no alternatives;
Dialogue: 0,0:03:22.11,0:03:23.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he lacked power.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.32,0:03:25.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The company had lots of alternatives;
Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.08,0:03:26.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they had power.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:26.36,0:03:28.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes it's being new to a country,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:28.51,0:03:29.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like an immigrant,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:29.56,0:03:31.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or new to an organization,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:31.04,0:03:32.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or new to an experience,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:32.58,0:03:34.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like my wife and I as new parents.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.57,0:03:35.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes it's at work
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.97,0:03:38.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where someone's the boss\Nand someone's the subordinate.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.57,0:03:40.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes it's in relationships,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:40.36,0:03:43.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where one person's more invested\Nthan the other person.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.36,0:03:47.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the key thing is that when\Nwe have lots of power,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:47.14,0:03:48.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,our range is very wide.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.100,0:03:51.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have a lot of leeway in how to behave.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.100,0:03:53.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But when we lack power,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.30,0:03:54.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,our range narrows.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.82,0:03:56.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have very little leeway.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:57.04,0:03:59.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the problem is that when\Nour range narrows
Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.84,0:04:04.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that produces something called\Nthe low-power double bind.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:04.31,0:04:07.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the low-power double bind happens
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.21,0:04:10.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when if we don't speak up we go unnoticed,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.63,0:04:13.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but if we do speak up we get punished.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:13.54,0:04:16.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now many of you have heard\Nthe phrase the "double bind"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:16.33,0:04:18.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and connected it with one thing,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:18.00,0:04:19.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that's gender.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.30,0:04:23.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The gender double bind is women\Nwho don't speak up go unnoticed,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:23.66,0:04:26.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and women who do speak up get punished.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.34,0:04:31.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the key thing is that women have\Nthe same need as men to speak up,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.39,0:04:33.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but they have barriers to doing so.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:34.22,0:04:37.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what my research has shown\Nover the last two decades
Dialogue: 0,0:04:37.52,0:04:41.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that what looks\Nlike a gender difference
Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.28,0:04:43.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is not really a gender double bind,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.57,0:04:45.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's a really a low-power double bind.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:45.95,0:04:47.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And what looks like a gender difference
Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.94,0:04:51.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are really often just power\Ndifferences in disguise.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:51.54,0:04:54.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oftentimes we see a man\Nand a woman, or men and women,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.85,0:04:55.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we think:
Dialogue: 0,0:04:55.95,0:04:57.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,biological cause.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.07,0:05:00.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's something fundamentally\Ndifferent about the sexes.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:00.26,0:05:02.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But in study after study,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.27,0:05:07.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've found that a better explanation\Nfor many sex differences
Dialogue: 0,0:05:07.19,0:05:08.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is really power.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:08.70,0:05:12.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so it's the low-power double bind.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:12.13,0:05:17.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the low-power double bind\Nmeans that we have a narrow range,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.12,0:05:18.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we lack power.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.83,0:05:20.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have a narrow range,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:20.08,0:05:22.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and our double bind is very large.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.42,0:05:24.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So we need to find ways\Nto expand our range.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:24.80,0:05:26.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And over the last couple decades,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:26.40,0:05:29.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my colleagues and I have found\Ntwo things really matter.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.08,0:05:31.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first:
Dialogue: 0,0:05:31.12,0:05:33.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you seem powerful in your own eyes.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:34.44,0:05:35.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The second:
Dialogue: 0,0:05:35.84,0:05:37.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you seem powerful in the eyes of others.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:37.80,0:05:40.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I feel powerful,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:40.35,0:05:42.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I feel confident not fearful;
Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.11,0:05:44.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I expand my own range.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:44.09,0:05:46.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When other people see me as powerful,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:46.84,0:05:49.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they grant me a wider range.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.40,0:05:53.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So we need tools to expand\Nour range of acceptable behavior.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:54.17,0:05:56.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm going to give you\Na set of tools today.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:56.90,0:05:59.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Speaking up is risky,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.01,0:06:02.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but these tools will lower\Nyour risk of speaking up.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:03.25,0:06:09.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So the first tool I'm going to give you\Ngot discovered in negotiations
Dialogue: 0,0:06:09.19,0:06:10.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in an important finding.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:10.60,0:06:14.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,On average, women make\Nless ambitions offers,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:14.52,0:06:17.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and get worse outcomes than men\Nat the bargaining table.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:18.33,0:06:20.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But Hannah Riley Bowles\Nand Emily Amanatullah
Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.94,0:06:22.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,have discovered there's one situation
Dialogue: 0,0:06:22.90,0:06:26.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where women get the same outcomes as men\Nand are just as ambitious.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:27.39,0:06:30.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's when they advocate for others.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:31.50,0:06:33.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when they advocate for others,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:33.57,0:06:38.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they discover their own range\Nand expand it in their own mind.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:38.39,0:06:39.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They become more assertive.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:39.93,0:06:43.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now this is sometimes called\N"the mama bear effect."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:43.72,0:06:46.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like a mama bear defending her cubs,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:46.00,0:06:47.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when we advocate for others,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:47.49,0:06:49.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we can discover our own voice.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:50.49,0:06:53.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But sometimes we have to\Nadvocated for ourselves.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:53.47,0:06:55.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How do we do that?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:55.03,0:06:58.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And one of the most important tools\Nwe have to advocate for ourselves
Dialogue: 0,0:06:58.92,0:07:01.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is something called perspective-taking.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:01.46,0:07:04.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And perspective-taking is really simple:
Dialogue: 0,0:07:04.36,0:07:08.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's simply looking at the world\Nthrough the eyes of another person.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:09.17,0:07:12.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's one of the most important\Ntools we have to expand our range.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:13.01,0:07:14.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I take your perspective,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:14.84,0:07:17.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I think about what you really want,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:17.30,0:07:20.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you're more likely to give me\Nwhat I really want.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:21.54,0:07:23.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But here's the problem.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:23.20,0:07:25.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Perspective-taking is hard to do.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:25.51,0:07:27.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So let's do a little experiment.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:27.06,0:07:30.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want you all to hold\Nyour hand just like this:
Dialogue: 0,0:07:30.10,0:07:31.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,your finger --
Dialogue: 0,0:07:31.10,0:07:32.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,put it up.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:32.10,0:07:36.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I want you to draw a capital\Nletter E on your forehead
Dialogue: 0,0:07:36.11,0:07:37.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as quickly as possible.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:40.34,0:07:43.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK, it turns out that we can\Ndraw this E in one of two ways;
Dialogue: 0,0:07:43.56,0:07:46.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and this was originally designed\Nas a test of perspective-taking.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:46.99,0:07:50.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going to show you two pictures\Nof someone with an E on their forehead --
Dialogue: 0,0:07:50.62,0:07:52.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my former student Erika Hall.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:53.41,0:07:55.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you can see over here,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:55.69,0:07:56.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's the correct E.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:56.94,0:07:59.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I drew the E so it looks like\Nan E to another person.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:00.27,0:08:02.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's the perspective-taking E
Dialogue: 0,0:08:02.48,0:08:05.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because it looks like an E\Nfrom someone else's vantage point.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:05.46,0:08:08.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But this E over here\Nis the self-focused E.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:08.85,0:08:10.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we often get self-focused.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:10.74,0:08:13.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we particularly get\Nself-focused in a crisis.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:14.22,0:08:16.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to tell you about\Na particular crisis.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:16.34,0:08:19.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A man walks into a bank\Nin Watsonville, California.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:20.46,0:08:24.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he says, "Give me $2,000 or I'm\Nblowing the whole bank up with a bomb."
Dialogue: 0,0:08:25.61,0:08:28.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now the bank manager\Ndidn't give him the money.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:28.32,0:08:30.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She took a step back.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:30.05,0:08:31.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She took his perspective,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:31.67,0:08:33.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she noticed something\Nreally important.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:33.94,0:08:36.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He asked for a specific amount of money.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:36.65,0:08:41.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So she said, "Why did you ask for $2,000?"
Dialogue: 0,0:08:41.42,0:08:42.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he said,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:42.42,0:08:46.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"My friend's going to be evicted\Nunless I get him $2,000 immediately."
Dialogue: 0,0:08:46.16,0:08:49.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she said, "Oh! You don't\Nwant to rob the bank,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:49.24,0:08:50.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you want to take out a loan."
Dialogue: 0,0:08:50.75,0:08:51.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:51.75,0:08:53.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Why don't you come back to my office,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:53.56,0:08:55.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we can have you\Nfill out the paperwork."
Dialogue: 0,0:08:55.66,0:08:56.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:56.66,0:09:02.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, her quick perspective-taking\Ndiffused a volatile situation.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:02.41,0:09:04.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when we take someone's perspective,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:04.31,0:09:07.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it allows us to be\Nambitious and assertive,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:07.76,0:09:09.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but still be likable.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:09.40,0:09:12.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here's another way to be assertive\Nbut still be likable,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:12.69,0:09:15.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that is to signal flexibility.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:15.60,0:09:19.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now imagine you're a car salesperson\Nand you want to sell someone a car.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.93,0:09:23.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You're going to more likely make the sale\Nif you give them two options.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:24.32,0:09:25.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's say option A:
Dialogue: 0,0:09:25.77,0:09:28.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,$24,000 for this car\Nand a five-year warranty.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:29.17,0:09:30.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or option B:
Dialogue: 0,0:09:30.85,0:09:33.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,$23,000 and a three-year warranty.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:33.95,0:09:37.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My research shows that when you give\Npeople choice among options,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:37.72,0:09:39.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it lowers their defenses,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:39.63,0:09:41.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they're more likely\Nto accept your offer.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:42.24,0:09:44.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this doesn't just\Nwork with sales people;
Dialogue: 0,0:09:44.38,0:09:45.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it works with parents.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:45.81,0:09:47.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When my neice was four,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:47.11,0:09:50.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she resisted getting dressed\Nand rejected everything.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:50.40,0:09:53.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But then my sister-in-law\Nhad a brilliant idea.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:53.32,0:09:55.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What if I gave my daughter a choice?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:55.82,0:09:57.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This shirt or that shirt?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:57.07,0:09:58.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK, that shirt.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:58.07,0:09:59.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This pant or that pant?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:59.18,0:10:00.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK, that pant.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:00.18,0:10:01.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it worked brilliantly.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:01.51,0:10:04.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She got dressed quickly\Nand without resistance.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:05.66,0:10:07.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I've asked the question\Naround the world --
Dialogue: 0,0:10:07.83,0:10:09.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when people feel\Ncomfortable speaking up --
Dialogue: 0,0:10:09.85,0:10:11.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the number one answer is:
Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.52,0:10:14.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I have social support in my audience.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:14.22,0:10:16.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I have allies.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:16.31,0:10:19.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So we want to get allies on our side.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:20.18,0:10:21.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How do we do that?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:22.13,0:10:24.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, one of the ways\Nis be a mama bear.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:24.31,0:10:25.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we advocate for others,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:25.70,0:10:29.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we expand our range in our own eyes\Nand the eyes of others,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:29.25,0:10:31.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we also earn strong allies.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.94,0:10:34.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Another way that we\Ncan earn strong allies,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:34.98,0:10:36.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,especially in high places,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:36.84,0:10:39.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is by asking other people for advice.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:39.71,0:10:43.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we ask others for advice,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:43.21,0:10:45.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they like us because we flatter them,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:45.60,0:10:47.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we're expressing humility.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:47.60,0:10:50.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this really works to solve\Nanother double bind.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:51.09,0:10:53.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's the self-promotion double bind.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:53.69,0:10:55.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The self-promotion double bind
Dialogue: 0,0:10:55.15,0:10:58.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that if we don't advertise\Nour accomplishments,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:58.41,0:10:59.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,no one notices.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:59.65,0:11:00.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if we do,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:00.95,0:11:02.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we're not likable.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:02.15,0:11:05.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But if we ask for advice about\None of our accomplishments,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:05.74,0:11:10.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we are able to be competent\Nin their eyes but also be likeable.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:10.70,0:11:12.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this is so powerful,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:12.73,0:11:15.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it even works when you see it coming.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:15.71,0:11:20.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There have been multiple times in life\Nwhen I have been forewarned
Dialogue: 0,0:11:20.07,0:11:23.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that a low-power person has been given\Nthe advice to come ask me for advice.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:24.47,0:11:26.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I want to notice\Nthree things about this.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:26.66,0:11:29.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,First, I knew they were going\Nto come ask me for advice.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:30.03,0:11:34.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Two, I've actually done research\Non the strategic benefits
Dialogue: 0,0:11:34.17,0:11:35.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of asking for advice.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:36.06,0:11:37.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And three,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:37.06,0:11:38.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it still worked.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:38.83,0:11:40.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I took their perspective,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:40.07,0:11:42.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I became more invested in their calls,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:42.32,0:11:46.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I became more committed to them\Nbecause they asked for advice.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:46.61,0:11:50.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now another time we feel more\Nconfident speaking up
Dialogue: 0,0:11:50.23,0:11:51.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is when we have expertise.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:52.35,0:11:54.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Expertise gives us credibility.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:54.72,0:11:56.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now when we have high power,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:56.46,0:11:57.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we already have credibility.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:57.93,0:11:59.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We only need good evidence.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:00.00,0:12:01.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we lack power,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:01.53,0:12:03.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we don't have the credibility,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:03.10,0:12:05.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we need excellent evidence.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:05.57,0:12:09.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And one of the ways that we can\Ncome across as an expert
Dialogue: 0,0:12:09.43,0:12:11.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is by tapping into our passion.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:11.96,0:12:16.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want everyone in the next few days\Nto go up to friend of theirs,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:16.18,0:12:17.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and just say to them,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:17.40,0:12:20.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I want you to describe\Na passion of yours to me."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:20.94,0:12:23.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've had people do this all over the world
Dialogue: 0,0:12:23.45,0:12:24.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I asked them,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:24.73,0:12:29.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"What did you notice about the other\Nperson when they described their passion?"
Dialogue: 0,0:12:29.16,0:12:30.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the answers are always the same.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:30.98,0:12:33.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Their eyes lit up and got big.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:33.02,0:12:35.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They smiled a big beaming smile.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:35.83,0:12:37.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They used their hands all over --
Dialogue: 0,0:12:37.42,0:12:39.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had to duck because their\Nhands were coming at me.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:39.86,0:12:41.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They talk quickly\Nwith a little higher pitch.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:41.98,0:12:42.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:12:42.98,0:12:45.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"And they leaned in as if\Ntelling me a secret."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:45.84,0:12:47.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I said to them,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:47.19,0:12:50.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"What happened to you\Nas you listened to their passion?"
Dialogue: 0,0:12:50.53,0:12:51.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they said,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:51.53,0:12:52.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"My eyes lit up.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:52.75,0:12:54.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I smiled,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:54.21,0:12:55.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I leaned in."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:55.68,0:12:57.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we tap into our passion,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:57.58,0:12:59.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we give ourselves the courage,\N
Dialogue: 0,0:12:59.52,0:13:00.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in our own eyes,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:00.53,0:13:01.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to speak up,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:01.52,0:13:04.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we also get the permission\Nfrom others to speak up.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:04.78,0:13:09.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And tapping into our passion even works\Nwhen we come across as too weak.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:10.72,0:13:15.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Both men and women get punished\Nat work when they shed tears.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:15.42,0:13:17.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But [Lizzy] Wolf has shown
Dialogue: 0,0:13:17.73,0:13:22.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that when we frame our strong\Nemotions as passion,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:22.03,0:13:27.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the condemnation of our crying\Ndisappears for both men and women.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:28.76,0:13:32.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to end with a few words\Nfrom my late father
Dialogue: 0,0:13:32.40,0:13:34.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that he spoke at my twin\Nbrother's wedding.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:34.86,0:13:36.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And here's a picture of us.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:38.31,0:13:40.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My dad was a psychologist like me,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:40.35,0:13:43.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but his real love and his real\Npassion was cinema,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:43.94,0:13:45.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like my brother.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:45.16,0:13:47.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so he wrote a speech\Nfor my brother's wedding
Dialogue: 0,0:13:47.83,0:13:50.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about the roles we play\Nin the human comedy.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:50.77,0:13:51.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he said,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:51.77,0:13:53.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"The lighter your touch,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:53.25,0:13:57.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the better you become at improving\Nand enriching your performance.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:57.32,0:13:59.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those who embrace their roles,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:59.41,0:14:02.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and work to improve their performance,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:02.26,0:14:04.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,grow, change and expand the self.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:05.07,0:14:06.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Play it well,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:06.62,0:14:08.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and your days will be mostly joyful."
Dialogue: 0,0:14:09.12,0:14:10.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And what my dad was saying
Dialogue: 0,0:14:10.87,0:14:15.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that we've all been assigned\Nranges and roles in this world,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:15.34,0:14:18.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but he was also saying\Nthe essence of this talk.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:19.21,0:14:24.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those roles and ranges are constantly\Nexpanding and evolving.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:24.89,0:14:27.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when a scene calls for it,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:27.33,0:14:29.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,be a ferocious mama bear,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:29.52,0:14:32.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a humble advice seeker ...
Dialogue: 0,0:14:32.10,0:14:36.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,have excellent evidence and strong allies;
Dialogue: 0,0:14:36.07,0:14:38.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,be a passionate perspective-taker.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:38.92,0:14:40.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you use those tools --
Dialogue: 0,0:14:40.76,0:14:44.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and each and every one of you\Ncan use these tools --
Dialogue: 0,0:14:44.25,0:14:48.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you will expand your range\Nof acceptable behavior,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:48.36,0:14:51.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and your days will be mostly joyful.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:52.22,0:14:53.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:53.26,0:14:54.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)