0:00:01.497,0:00:04.164 Speaking up is hard to do. 0:00:04.740,0:00:09.682 I understood the true meaning[br]of this phrase exactly one month ago, 0:00:09.682,0:00:12.585 when my wife and I became new parents. 0:00:13.113,0:00:15.050 And it was an amazing moment. 0:00:15.050,0:00:17.258 It was exhilarating and elating, 0:00:17.258,0:00:20.433 but it was also scary and terrifying. 0:00:20.433,0:00:24.535 And it got particularly terrifying[br]when we got home from the hospital. 0:00:24.849,0:00:26.333 And we were unsure 0:00:26.333,0:00:30.422 whether our little baby boy was getting[br]enough nutrients from breastfeeding. 0:00:30.879,0:00:34.063 And we wanted to call our pediatrician, 0:00:34.063,0:00:36.668 but we also didn't want[br]to make a bad first impression, 0:00:36.668,0:00:38.957 or come across as a crazy,[br]neurotic parent. 0:00:39.226,0:00:40.896 So we worried ... 0:00:40.896,0:00:42.301 and we waited. 0:00:42.301,0:00:44.560 When we got to the doctor's[br]office the next day, 0:00:44.560,0:00:48.790 she immediately gave him formula[br]because he was pretty dehydrated. 0:00:49.518,0:00:50.975 Our son is fine now, 0:00:50.975,0:00:54.353 and our doctor has reassured us[br]we can always contact her, 0:00:54.353,0:00:55.902 but in that moment, 0:00:55.902,0:00:57.702 I should've spoken up, 0:00:57.702,0:00:59.078 but I didn't. 0:00:59.078,0:01:02.523 But sometimes we speak up[br]when we shouldn't, 0:01:02.523,0:01:06.317 and I learned that over 10 years ago[br]when I let my twin brother down. 0:01:06.786,0:01:09.451 My twin brother is[br]a documentary filmmaker, 0:01:09.451,0:01:11.004 and for one of his first films, 0:01:11.004,0:01:13.757 he got an offer from[br]a distribution company. 0:01:13.757,0:01:15.118 And he was excited, 0:01:15.118,0:01:17.713 and he was inclined to accept the offer, 0:01:17.713,0:01:19.950 but as a negotiations researcher, 0:01:19.950,0:01:22.970 I insisted he make a counteroffer, 0:01:22.970,0:01:25.738 and I helped him craft the perfect one. 0:01:25.975,0:01:27.812 And it was perfect -- 0:01:27.812,0:01:29.982 it was perfectly insulting. 0:01:30.479,0:01:32.437 The company was so offended, 0:01:32.437,0:01:34.509 they literally withdrew the offer, 0:01:34.509,0:01:36.482 and my brother was left with nothing. 0:01:36.749,0:01:40.632 And I've asked people all over the world[br]about this dilemma of speaking up: 0:01:40.632,0:01:42.489 when they can assert themselves, 0:01:42.489,0:01:44.226 when they can push their interests, 0:01:44.226,0:01:46.444 when they can express an opinion, 0:01:46.444,0:01:48.655 when they can make an ambitious ask. 0:01:49.030,0:01:53.286 And the range of stories[br]are varied and diverse, 0:01:53.286,0:01:55.717 but they also make up[br]a universal tapestry. 0:01:56.046,0:01:58.747 Can I correct my boss[br]when they make a mistake? 0:01:58.747,0:02:03.131 Can I confront my coworker[br]who keeps stepping on my toes? 0:02:03.131,0:02:06.198 Can I challenge my friends[br]in sensitive joke? 0:02:06.573,0:02:11.178 Can I tell the person I love the most[br]my deepest insecurities? 0:02:11.178,0:02:12.706 And through these experiences, 0:02:12.706,0:02:13.913 I've come to recognize 0:02:13.913,0:02:17.793 that each of us have something called[br]a range of acceptable behavior. 0:02:17.793,0:02:21.589 Now sometimes we're too strong; 0:02:21.589,0:02:23.080 we push ourselves too much. 0:02:23.080,0:02:24.817 That's what happened with my brother. 0:02:24.817,0:02:29.443 Even making an offer was outside[br]his range of acceptable behavior. 0:02:29.791,0:02:31.542 But sometimes we're too weak. 0:02:31.542,0:02:33.514 That's what happened with my wife and I. 0:02:33.514,0:02:35.938 And this range of acceptable behaviors -- 0:02:35.938,0:02:37.593 when we start within our range, 0:02:37.593,0:02:38.966 we're rewarded. 0:02:38.966,0:02:40.848 When we step outside that range, 0:02:40.848,0:02:43.002 we get punished in a variety of ways. 0:02:43.002,0:02:44.755 We get dismissed or demeaned, 0:02:44.755,0:02:46.163 or even ostracized. 0:02:46.163,0:02:49.863 Or we lose that raise,[br]or that promotion or that deal. 0:02:50.097,0:02:52.884 Now the first thing we need to know is: 0:02:52.884,0:02:54.372 what is my range? 0:02:54.966,0:02:59.473 But the key thing is[br]our range isn't fixed; 0:02:59.473,0:03:01.049 it's actually pretty dynamic. 0:03:01.049,0:03:05.163 It expands and it narrows[br]based on the context. 0:03:05.511,0:03:10.204 And there's one thing that determines[br]that range more than anything else, 0:03:10.204,0:03:11.641 and that's your power. 0:03:11.641,0:03:13.821 Your power determines your range. 0:03:13.821,0:03:15.281 What is power? 0:03:15.281,0:03:16.971 Power comes in lots of forms. 0:03:16.971,0:03:19.901 In negotiations it comes[br]in the form of alternatives. 0:03:19.901,0:03:22.111 So my brother had no alternatives; 0:03:22.111,0:03:23.321 he lacked power. 0:03:23.321,0:03:25.081 The company had lots of alternatives; 0:03:25.081,0:03:26.361 they had power. 0:03:26.361,0:03:28.509 Sometimes it's being new to a country, 0:03:28.509,0:03:29.556 like an immigrant, 0:03:29.556,0:03:31.038 or new to an organization, 0:03:31.038,0:03:32.576 or new to an experience, 0:03:32.576,0:03:34.412 like my wife and I as new parents. 0:03:34.569,0:03:35.974 Sometimes it's at work 0:03:35.974,0:03:38.569 where someone's the boss[br]and someone's the subordinate. 0:03:38.569,0:03:40.361 Sometimes it's in relationships, 0:03:40.361,0:03:43.099 where one person's more invested[br]than the other person. 0:03:43.365,0:03:47.143 And the key thing is that when[br]we have lots of power, 0:03:47.143,0:03:48.995 our range is very wide. 0:03:48.995,0:03:51.626 We have a lot of leeway in how to behave. 0:03:51.996,0:03:53.297 But when we lack power, 0:03:53.297,0:03:54.820 our range narrows. 0:03:54.820,0:03:56.615 We have very little leeway. 0:03:57.035,0:03:59.840 And the problem is that when[br]our range narrows 0:03:59.840,0:04:04.310 that produces something called[br]the low-power double bind. 0:04:04.310,0:04:07.209 And the low-power double bind happens 0:04:07.209,0:04:10.632 when if we don't speak up we go unnoticed, 0:04:10.632,0:04:13.143 but if we do speak up we get punished. 0:04:13.543,0:04:16.330 Now many of you have heard[br]the phrase the "double bind" 0:04:16.330,0:04:18.001 and connected it with one thing, 0:04:18.001,0:04:19.299 and that's gender. 0:04:19.299,0:04:23.659 The gender double bind is women[br]who don't speak up go unnoticed, 0:04:23.659,0:04:26.342 and women who do speak up get punished. 0:04:26.342,0:04:31.393 And the key thing is that women have[br]the same need as men to speak up, 0:04:31.393,0:04:33.651 but they have barriers to doing so. 0:04:34.219,0:04:37.520 But what my research has shown[br]over the last two decades 0:04:37.520,0:04:41.281 is that what looks[br]like a gender difference 0:04:41.281,0:04:43.568 is not really a gender double bind, 0:04:43.568,0:04:45.947 it's a really a low-power double bind. 0:04:45.947,0:04:47.937 And what looks like a gender difference 0:04:47.937,0:04:51.202 are really often just power[br]differences in disguise. 0:04:51.545,0:04:54.849 Oftentimes we see a man[br]and a woman, or men and women, 0:04:54.849,0:04:55.950 and we think: 0:04:55.950,0:04:57.069 biological cause. 0:04:57.069,0:05:00.265 There's something fundamentally[br]different about the sexes. 0:05:00.265,0:05:02.269 But in study after study, 0:05:02.269,0:05:07.187 I've found that a better explanation[br]for many sex differences 0:05:07.187,0:05:08.699 is really power. 0:05:08.699,0:05:12.134 And so it's the low-power double bind. 0:05:12.134,0:05:17.117 And the low-power double bind[br]means that we have a narrow range, 0:05:17.117,0:05:18.828 and we lack power. 0:05:18.828,0:05:20.083 We have a narrow range, 0:05:20.083,0:05:22.170 and our double bind is very large. 0:05:22.422,0:05:24.801 So we need to find ways[br]to expand our range. 0:05:24.801,0:05:26.401 And over the last couple decades, 0:05:26.401,0:05:29.583 my colleagues and I have found[br]two things really matter. 0:05:30.075,0:05:31.118 The first: 0:05:31.118,0:05:33.831 you seem powerful in your own eyes. 0:05:34.435,0:05:35.843 The second: 0:05:35.843,0:05:37.804 you seem powerful in the eyes of others. 0:05:37.804,0:05:40.351 When I feel powerful, 0:05:40.351,0:05:42.112 I feel confident not fearful; 0:05:42.112,0:05:44.093 I expand my own range. 0:05:44.093,0:05:46.837 When other people see me as powerful, 0:05:46.837,0:05:49.164 they grant me a wider range. 0:05:49.396,0:05:53.953 So we need tools to expand[br]our range of acceptable behavior. 0:05:54.173,0:05:56.472 And I'm going to give you[br]a set of tools today. 0:05:56.899,0:05:59.011 Speaking up is risky, 0:05:59.011,0:06:02.427 but these tools will lower[br]your risk of speaking up. 0:06:03.250,0:06:09.193 So the first tool I'm going to give you[br]got discovered in negotiations 0:06:09.193,0:06:10.402 in an important finding. 0:06:10.596,0:06:14.515 On average, women make[br]less ambitions offers, 0:06:14.515,0:06:17.989 and get worse outcomes than men[br]at the bargaining table. 0:06:18.328,0:06:20.945 But Hannah Riley Bowles[br]and Emily Amanatullah 0:06:20.945,0:06:22.899 have discovered there's one situation 0:06:22.899,0:06:26.866 where women get the same outcomes as men[br]and are just as ambitious. 0:06:27.387,0:06:30.995 That's when they advocate for others. 0:06:31.505,0:06:33.571 And when they advocate for others, 0:06:33.571,0:06:38.065 they discover their own range[br]and expand it in their own mind. 0:06:38.393,0:06:39.921 They become more assertive. 0:06:39.927,0:06:43.150 Now this is sometimes called[br]"the mama bear effect." 0:06:43.722,0:06:46.004 Like a mama bear defending her cubs, 0:06:46.004,0:06:47.494 when we advocate for others, 0:06:47.494,0:06:49.850 we can discover our own voice. 0:06:50.492,0:06:53.469 But sometimes we have to[br]advocated for ourselves. 0:06:53.469,0:06:55.029 How do we do that? 0:06:55.029,0:06:58.918 And one of the most important tools[br]we have to advocate for ourselves 0:06:58.918,0:07:01.462 is something called perspective-taking. 0:07:01.462,0:07:04.364 And perspective-taking is really simple: 0:07:04.364,0:07:08.954 it's simply looking at the world[br]through the eyes of another person. 0:07:09.167,0:07:12.754 And it's one of the most important[br]tools we have to expand our range. 0:07:13.009,0:07:14.835 When I take your perspective, 0:07:14.835,0:07:17.297 and I think about what you really want, 0:07:17.297,0:07:20.804 you're more likely to give me[br]what I really want. 0:07:21.541,0:07:23.202 But here's the problem. 0:07:23.202,0:07:25.506 Perspective-taking is hard to do. 0:07:25.506,0:07:27.059 So let's do a little experiment. 0:07:27.059,0:07:30.096 I want you all to hold[br]your hand just like this: 0:07:30.096,0:07:31.098 your finger -- 0:07:31.098,0:07:32.104 put it up. 0:07:32.104,0:07:36.106 And I want you to draw a capital[br]letter E on your forehead 0:07:36.106,0:07:37.687 as quickly as possible. 0:07:40.337,0:07:43.558 OK, it turns out that we can[br]draw this E in one of two ways; 0:07:43.558,0:07:46.875 and this was originally designed[br]as a test of perspective-taking. 0:07:46.988,0:07:50.618 I'm going to show you two pictures[br]of someone with an E on their forehead -- 0:07:50.618,0:07:52.476 my former student Erika Hall. 0:07:53.414,0:07:55.694 And you can see over here, 0:07:55.694,0:07:56.943 that's the correct E. 0:07:56.943,0:07:59.953 I drew the E so it looks like[br]an E to another person. 0:08:00.266,0:08:02.483 That's the perspective-taking E 0:08:02.483,0:08:05.459 because it looks like an E[br]from someone else's vantage point. 0:08:05.459,0:08:08.469 But this E over here[br]is the self-focused E. 0:08:08.850,0:08:10.740 And we often get self-focused. 0:08:10.740,0:08:13.707 And we particularly get[br]self-focused in a crisis. 0:08:14.223,0:08:16.343 I want to tell you about[br]a particular crisis. 0:08:16.343,0:08:19.347 A man walks into a bank[br]in Watsonville, California. 0:08:20.461,0:08:24.969 And he says, "Give me $2,000 or I'm[br]blowing the whole bank up with a bomb." 0:08:25.607,0:08:28.315 Now the bank manager[br]didn't give him the money. 0:08:28.315,0:08:30.048 She took a step back. 0:08:30.048,0:08:31.671 She took his perspective, 0:08:31.671,0:08:33.943 and she noticed something[br]really important. 0:08:33.943,0:08:36.329 He asked for a specific amount of money. 0:08:36.649,0:08:41.195 So she said, "Why did you ask for $2,000?" 0:08:41.416,0:08:42.424 And he said, 0:08:42.424,0:08:46.164 "My friend's going to be evicted[br]unless I get him $2,000 immediately." 0:08:46.164,0:08:49.236 And she said, "Oh! You don't[br]want to rob the bank, 0:08:49.236,0:08:50.747 you want to take out a loan." 0:08:50.747,0:08:51.753 (Laughter) 0:08:51.753,0:08:53.561 "Why don't you come back to my office, 0:08:53.561,0:08:55.659 and we can have you[br]fill out the paperwork." 0:08:55.659,0:08:56.663 (Laughter) 0:08:56.663,0:09:02.412 Now, her quick perspective-taking[br]diffused a volatile situation. 0:09:02.412,0:09:04.307 So when we take someone's perspective, 0:09:04.307,0:09:07.757 it allows us to be[br]ambitious and assertive, 0:09:07.757,0:09:09.095 but still be likable. 0:09:09.397,0:09:12.688 Here's another way to be assertive[br]but still be likable, 0:09:12.688,0:09:15.219 and that is to signal flexibility. 0:09:15.604,0:09:19.926 Now imagine you're a car salesperson[br]and you want to sell someone a car. 0:09:19.926,0:09:23.810 You're going to more likely make the sale[br]if you give them two options. 0:09:24.324,0:09:25.770 Let's say option A: 0:09:25.770,0:09:28.712 $24,000 for this car[br]and a five-year warranty. 0:09:29.172,0:09:30.851 Or option B: 0:09:30.851,0:09:33.679 $23,000 and a three-year warranty. 0:09:33.949,0:09:37.715 My research shows that when you give[br]people choice among options, 0:09:37.715,0:09:39.627 it lowers their defenses, 0:09:39.627,0:09:41.734 and they're more likely[br]to accept your offer. 0:09:42.243,0:09:44.383 And this doesn't just[br]work with sales people; 0:09:44.383,0:09:45.808 it works with parents. 0:09:45.808,0:09:47.110 When my neice was four, 0:09:47.110,0:09:50.027 she resisted getting dressed[br]and rejected everything. 0:09:50.399,0:09:53.317 But then my sister-in-law[br]had a brilliant idea. 0:09:53.317,0:09:55.821 What if I gave my daughter a choice? 0:09:55.821,0:09:57.071 This shirt or that shirt? 0:09:57.071,0:09:58.069 OK, that shirt. 0:09:58.069,0:09:59.177 This pant or that pant? 0:09:59.177,0:10:00.184 OK, that pant. 0:10:00.184,0:10:01.513 And it worked brilliantly. 0:10:01.513,0:10:04.899 She got dressed quickly[br]and without resistance. 0:10:05.665,0:10:07.829 When I've asked the question[br]around the world -- 0:10:07.829,0:10:09.851 when people feel[br]comfortable speaking up -- 0:10:09.851,0:10:11.520 the number one answer is: 0:10:11.520,0:10:14.218 when I have social support in my audience. 0:10:14.218,0:10:16.034 When I have allies. 0:10:16.306,0:10:19.889 So we want to get allies on our side. 0:10:20.180,0:10:21.878 How do we do that? 0:10:22.127,0:10:24.312 Well, one of the ways[br]is be a mama bear. 0:10:24.312,0:10:25.702 When we advocate for others, 0:10:25.702,0:10:29.254 we expand our range in our own eyes[br]and the eyes of others, 0:10:29.254,0:10:31.410 but we also earn strong allies. 0:10:31.935,0:10:34.976 Another way that we[br]can earn strong allies, 0:10:34.976,0:10:36.840 especially in high places, 0:10:36.840,0:10:39.712 is by asking other people for advice. 0:10:39.712,0:10:43.211 When we ask others for advice, 0:10:43.211,0:10:45.600 they like us because we flatter them, 0:10:45.600,0:10:47.599 and we're expressing humility. 0:10:47.599,0:10:50.670 And this really works to solve[br]another double bind. 0:10:51.094,0:10:53.691 And that's the self-promotion double bind. 0:10:53.691,0:10:55.146 The self-promotion double bind 0:10:55.146,0:10:58.413 is that if we don't advertise[br]our accomplishments, 0:10:58.413,0:10:59.646 no one notices. 0:10:59.646,0:11:00.947 And if we do, 0:11:00.947,0:11:02.154 we're not likable. 0:11:02.154,0:11:05.743 But if we ask for advice about[br]one of our accomplishments, 0:11:05.743,0:11:10.053 we are able to be competent[br]in their eyes but also be likeable. 0:11:10.702,0:11:12.723 And this is so powerful, 0:11:12.732,0:11:15.386 it even works when you see it coming. 0:11:15.707,0:11:20.068 There have been multiple times in life[br]when I have been forewarned 0:11:20.068,0:11:23.925 that a low-power person has been given[br]the advice to come ask me for advice. 0:11:24.472,0:11:26.659 And I want to notice[br]three things about this. 0:11:26.659,0:11:29.567 First, I knew they were going[br]to come ask me for advice. 0:11:30.033,0:11:34.173 Two, I've actually done research[br]on the strategic benefits 0:11:34.173,0:11:35.474 of asking for advice. 0:11:36.062,0:11:37.056 And three, 0:11:37.056,0:11:38.348 it still worked. 0:11:38.831,0:11:40.071 I took their perspective, 0:11:40.071,0:11:42.325 I became more invested in their calls, 0:11:42.325,0:11:46.300 I became more committed to them[br]because they asked for advice. 0:11:46.606,0:11:50.227 Now another time we feel more[br]confident speaking up 0:11:50.227,0:11:51.968 is when we have expertise. 0:11:52.351,0:11:54.503 Expertise gives us credibility. 0:11:54.723,0:11:56.456 Now when we have high power, 0:11:56.456,0:11:57.933 we already have credibility. 0:11:57.933,0:11:59.681 We only need good evidence. 0:12:00.000,0:12:01.527 When we lack power, 0:12:01.527,0:12:03.100 we don't have the credibility, 0:12:03.100,0:12:05.140 we need excellent evidence. 0:12:05.569,0:12:09.427 And one of the ways that we can[br]come across as an expert 0:12:09.427,0:12:11.525 is by tapping into our passion. 0:12:11.959,0:12:16.185 I want everyone in the next few days[br]to go up to friend of theirs, 0:12:16.185,0:12:17.402 and just say to them, 0:12:17.402,0:12:20.395 "I want you to describe[br]a passion of yours to me." 0:12:20.945,0:12:23.453 I've had people do this all over the world 0:12:23.453,0:12:24.732 and I asked them, 0:12:24.732,0:12:29.164 "What did you notice about the other[br]person when they described their passion?" 0:12:29.164,0:12:30.984 And the answers are always the same. 0:12:30.984,0:12:33.015 "Their eyes lit up and got big. 0:12:33.015,0:12:35.831 They smiled a big beaming smile. 0:12:35.831,0:12:37.418 They used their hands all over -- 0:12:37.418,0:12:39.860 I had to duck because their[br]hands were coming at me. 0:12:39.860,0:12:41.980 They talk quickly[br]with a little higher pitch. 0:12:41.980,0:12:42.977 (Laughter) 0:12:42.977,0:12:45.450 "And they leaned in as if[br]telling me a secret." 0:12:45.845,0:12:47.189 And then I said to them, 0:12:47.189,0:12:50.533 "What happened to you[br]as you listened to their passion?" 0:12:50.533,0:12:51.527 And they said, 0:12:51.527,0:12:52.753 "My eyes lit up. 0:12:52.753,0:12:54.214 I smiled, 0:12:54.214,0:12:55.678 I leaned in." 0:12:55.678,0:12:57.581 When we tap into our passion, 0:12:57.581,0:12:59.516 we give ourselves the courage,[br] 0:12:59.516,0:13:00.533 in our own eyes, 0:13:00.533,0:13:01.525 to speak up, 0:13:01.525,0:13:04.393 but we also get the permission[br]from others to speak up. 0:13:04.780,0:13:09.965 And tapping into our passion even works[br]when we come across as too weak. 0:13:10.716,0:13:15.424 Both men and women get punished[br]at work when they shed tears. 0:13:15.424,0:13:17.727 But [Lizzy] Wolf has shown 0:13:17.727,0:13:22.033 that when we frame our strong[br]emotions as passion, 0:13:22.033,0:13:27.938 the condemnation of our crying[br]disappears for both men and women. 0:13:28.765,0:13:32.396 I want to end with a few words[br]from my late father 0:13:32.396,0:13:34.859 that he spoke at my twin[br]brother's wedding. 0:13:34.859,0:13:36.747 And here's a picture of us. 0:13:38.307,0:13:40.350 My dad was a psychologist like me, 0:13:40.350,0:13:43.938 but his real love and his real[br]passion was cinema, 0:13:43.938,0:13:45.161 like my brother. 0:13:45.161,0:13:47.826 And so he wrote a speech[br]for my brother's wedding 0:13:47.826,0:13:50.568 about the roles we play[br]in the human comedy. 0:13:50.766,0:13:51.767 And he said, 0:13:51.767,0:13:53.253 "The lighter your touch, 0:13:53.253,0:13:57.321 the better you become at improving[br]and enriching your performance. 0:13:57.321,0:13:59.407 Those who embrace their roles, 0:13:59.407,0:14:02.264 and work to improve their performance, 0:14:02.264,0:14:04.761 grow, change and expand the self. 0:14:05.067,0:14:06.624 Play it well, 0:14:06.624,0:14:08.889 and your days will be mostly joyful." 0:14:09.124,0:14:10.873 And what my dad was saying 0:14:10.873,0:14:15.342 is that we've all been assigned[br]ranges and roles in this world, 0:14:15.342,0:14:18.807 but he was also saying[br]the essence of this talk. 0:14:19.212,0:14:24.229 Those roles and ranges are constantly[br]expanding and evolving. 0:14:24.890,0:14:27.329 So when a scene calls for it, 0:14:27.329,0:14:29.521 be a ferocious mama bear, 0:14:29.521,0:14:32.096 and a humble advice seeker ... 0:14:32.096,0:14:36.069 have excellent evidence and strong allies; 0:14:36.069,0:14:38.921 be a passionate perspective-taker. 0:14:38.921,0:14:40.755 And if you use those tools -- 0:14:40.755,0:14:44.247 and each and every one of you[br]can use these tools -- 0:14:44.247,0:14:48.356 you will expand your range[br]of acceptable behavior, 0:14:48.356,0:14:51.652 and your days will be mostly joyful. 0:14:52.223,0:14:53.256 Thank you. 0:14:53.256,0:14:54.290 (Applause)